boss: "how's your dad doing?"
me: "well, he's finished with his chemo and his baseline scan was really good, no signs of disease. now he's just tired ALL the time. he will sometimes sleep 12 - 15 hours a day, not including naps, and still be tired. he has always slept a lot his whole life, but now he's just always trashed. they've just started him on steroids again to see if they will jump start his body."
boss: "oh. hum. well, i've heard that sleeping more than you need can make you as tired as sleeping not enough. so maybe he's sleeping too much?"
dude, do you even know what cancer is??? i'll be sure to tell him and his doctors that he's just sleeping too much.
"does your wife work outside the home?"
these are the things the men in my office ask each other.
the guy who was asked, who was a guest in the building, responded quietly that his wife has reactive attachment disorder, so they never had kids. to this, my boss heartily replied that his brother and his wife couldn't have kids, so they adopted ten. #righteous
the guy who was asked, who was a guest in the building, responded quietly that his wife has reactive attachment disorder, so they never had kids. to this, my boss heartily replied that his brother and his wife couldn't have kids, so they adopted ten. #righteous
ow
my response, in my head, to every person i have ever heard say something negative about ordain women:
i'm not a member of ordain women but i am completely supportive of them as a mormon and as a feminist. contrary to what you just said, i find that they, on average, actually know much, much more about church history and how the church functions than the average member. for example, women in the early church gave blessings and it can even be said that some were ordained by joseph smith. most members don't know this. most members also don't know that the women who asked for entrance into priesthood session on temple square last year were not protesting in any way--they were waiting quietly in line and doing as they were asked. i think they even sang hymns. the use of the word 'protest' by church pr is misleading and, frankly, slanderous. despite ow's respectful attitude, the church reps told them there were no seats available even though the broadcast from inside the conference center clearly showed there was enough room for them and then some. not only that, but they were not allowed to use overflow seating, and a garbage truck was moved in front of the entrance to the tabernacle where the group was waiting and the church reps took off. it sat there until the women left. telling someone to just leave the church is about the most unchristlike thing a member could say, and it directly conflicts with their covenants and with the professed missions of the church.
other thoughts:
- ow is not a utah issue. the founder and leader, kate kelly, is from washington d.c. and is from oregon. she is a human rights attorney, which means she knows exactly how to proceed publicly (which does not consistent protesting, sorry church pr) and let injustice hang itself by looking stupid.
- i am pretty much uninterested in raising a family with a man (speaking generally) who sees his priesthood or career as equally (or more) important to raising his family. men don't get to help conceive children and then figuratively peace out because priesthood equals motherhood (which it doesn't).
-so many reasons why phood and mhood aren't equivalent that i'll spare you from reading.
- i think these women are not demonstrating a lack of faith in god, but rather a lot of faith. i don't believe god waited until 1978 to ordain black men to the priesthood to try the faith of those black members, but rather because the larger white majority of the church "wasn't ready" for such a "big change". white members still talk today about what a "difficult change" that was and hold racist views. my MIL has said that since handicapped children were extremely loyal in the premortal world, and there is an opposition in all things, it only makes sense that there was an extremely disloyal group: blacks. (what about black handicapped children?) these views held the church back, and activists who speak from personal experience are not wicked. the deft dismissal of all conversation or open mindedness on the issue of women's ordination leads me to believe it's very the same.
- "women already hold the priesthood (through their husbands) (based on the temple) (blah), even though they aren't ordained". great, so why can't we even go to priesthood session?
- it is said that all faithful members will receive every blessing they desire (see here emma smith). no one has satisfactorily explained to me yet how desiring to have a greater ability to serve and bring god's love to his children does not fall in that category.
-please note that the prophet himself has not spoken out on this topic. this is both saddening and encouraging/telling. everyone learns in primary that the prophet is the mouthpiece of the lord, not the church pr lady. frankly, she can spew whatever she wants and it means nothing to me. in addition, president uchtdorf, who is in the first presidency, essentially welcomed feminists last conference to stay in the church because they are needed.
-women praying in conference and the broadcast of the priesthood session did not take place before women were pressing the issues, so i don't appreciate people saying, 'just watch it on tv at home!!!!111!!1 why do you need to go to the conference center???/? you are arguing for something that's already fixed." it was either a really unfortunate or really low move for the church to decide to broadcast priesthood session 'right in the nick of time.'
- again, why are people upset about a request to provide greater service within the church?
i'm not a member of ordain women but i am completely supportive of them as a mormon and as a feminist. contrary to what you just said, i find that they, on average, actually know much, much more about church history and how the church functions than the average member. for example, women in the early church gave blessings and it can even be said that some were ordained by joseph smith. most members don't know this. most members also don't know that the women who asked for entrance into priesthood session on temple square last year were not protesting in any way--they were waiting quietly in line and doing as they were asked. i think they even sang hymns. the use of the word 'protest' by church pr is misleading and, frankly, slanderous. despite ow's respectful attitude, the church reps told them there were no seats available even though the broadcast from inside the conference center clearly showed there was enough room for them and then some. not only that, but they were not allowed to use overflow seating, and a garbage truck was moved in front of the entrance to the tabernacle where the group was waiting and the church reps took off. it sat there until the women left. telling someone to just leave the church is about the most unchristlike thing a member could say, and it directly conflicts with their covenants and with the professed missions of the church.
other thoughts:
- ow is not a utah issue. the founder and leader, kate kelly, is from washington d.c. and is from oregon. she is a human rights attorney, which means she knows exactly how to proceed publicly (which does not consistent protesting, sorry church pr) and let injustice hang itself by looking stupid.
- i am pretty much uninterested in raising a family with a man (speaking generally) who sees his priesthood or career as equally (or more) important to raising his family. men don't get to help conceive children and then figuratively peace out because priesthood equals motherhood (which it doesn't).
-so many reasons why phood and mhood aren't equivalent that i'll spare you from reading.
- i think these women are not demonstrating a lack of faith in god, but rather a lot of faith. i don't believe god waited until 1978 to ordain black men to the priesthood to try the faith of those black members, but rather because the larger white majority of the church "wasn't ready" for such a "big change". white members still talk today about what a "difficult change" that was and hold racist views. my MIL has said that since handicapped children were extremely loyal in the premortal world, and there is an opposition in all things, it only makes sense that there was an extremely disloyal group: blacks. (what about black handicapped children?) these views held the church back, and activists who speak from personal experience are not wicked. the deft dismissal of all conversation or open mindedness on the issue of women's ordination leads me to believe it's very the same.
- "women already hold the priesthood (through their husbands) (based on the temple) (blah), even though they aren't ordained". great, so why can't we even go to priesthood session?
- it is said that all faithful members will receive every blessing they desire (see here emma smith). no one has satisfactorily explained to me yet how desiring to have a greater ability to serve and bring god's love to his children does not fall in that category.
-please note that the prophet himself has not spoken out on this topic. this is both saddening and encouraging/telling. everyone learns in primary that the prophet is the mouthpiece of the lord, not the church pr lady. frankly, she can spew whatever she wants and it means nothing to me. in addition, president uchtdorf, who is in the first presidency, essentially welcomed feminists last conference to stay in the church because they are needed.
-women praying in conference and the broadcast of the priesthood session did not take place before women were pressing the issues, so i don't appreciate people saying, 'just watch it on tv at home!!!!111!!1 why do you need to go to the conference center???/? you are arguing for something that's already fixed." it was either a really unfortunate or really low move for the church to decide to broadcast priesthood session 'right in the nick of time.'
- again, why are people upset about a request to provide greater service within the church?
lady professoinals
over the last couple of days i've been attending what is essentially an on campus conference for secretaries. today the first speaker was camille fronk olson. i didn't have high hopes, but also didn't realize who she was. she was fantastic. near the beginning of her presentation she made a point that paul's first convert in europe was a woman, making a side note that she's not sorry for caring so much about women and that she "gets off on women."
after that, i immediately went online on my phone and ordered her book.
her gloriousness was followed by the founder and editor of a prominent local magazine. she was introduced as "a wife of one and a mother of four," which made me throw up in my mouth. her topic was 'ten things happy people do' and her first point was that 'happy people TALK.' which she says is a lesson she learned most from ann romney.
you win some, you lose some.
on a side note, i watched the netflix doc, 'mitt'. i was never really a fan of romney and the documentary left me more unimpressed, which i think was the opposite effect. one of the saddest things about it was that, after their first unsuccessful presidential run (in 2008?) ann was on camera several times saying that she never wanted to ever, ever do a presidential run again. the very next scene cut to her family gearing up for 2012. it made me seriously so sad. she obviously had her reserves the first time, and clearly she found it crushing. our 'wife of one' presenter hinted that ann had opened up to her about negative feelings related to campaigning, and i just felt for her. i know there's a lot no one sees and i don't know them or their relationship, but for heaven's sake, why would you highlight that?
after that, i immediately went online on my phone and ordered her book.
her gloriousness was followed by the founder and editor of a prominent local magazine. she was introduced as "a wife of one and a mother of four," which made me throw up in my mouth. her topic was 'ten things happy people do' and her first point was that 'happy people TALK.' which she says is a lesson she learned most from ann romney.
you win some, you lose some.
on a side note, i watched the netflix doc, 'mitt'. i was never really a fan of romney and the documentary left me more unimpressed, which i think was the opposite effect. one of the saddest things about it was that, after their first unsuccessful presidential run (in 2008?) ann was on camera several times saying that she never wanted to ever, ever do a presidential run again. the very next scene cut to her family gearing up for 2012. it made me seriously so sad. she obviously had her reserves the first time, and clearly she found it crushing. our 'wife of one' presenter hinted that ann had opened up to her about negative feelings related to campaigning, and i just felt for her. i know there's a lot no one sees and i don't know them or their relationship, but for heaven's sake, why would you highlight that?
blame it on my amygdala
i know i'm not an easy person for most people to get along with, that i come across stand off ish, that i'm the MOST painful introvert, and i really, really try to make this up to the people i care about and see most in my day to day life when i'm having "on" days.
but please, employees, help me help you. i really, seriously, for real don't want to talk at length about the kinds of salads available at maceys (honey bbq, bleu cheese, bacon ranch, almond, cesar), i don't want to talk for two hours about how you want to wear high heels but don't want to be taller than your husband on your wedding day, and i don't really need you to read all the news stories on your homepage aloud to me every morning. i think you're amazing and i have a lot of respect for you, but i really didn't want to hear about literally every member of your extended family and where they live right now (and in the past) and what drama they caused in your family as kids. you are some of the nicest, most honestly wonderful co workers i've ever had, but i just don't need an update every day about everything your roommate did and said last night (especially please stop complaining that your indian roommate's mom is visiting and pretty much saying you think their food smells like ass and you have to air out your apartment) and if i have to pretend another dog is the cutest dog i've ever seen, i'm going to vomit. also i just don't care about the drawings your fiance's niece drew yesterday.
but please, employees, help me help you. i really, seriously, for real don't want to talk at length about the kinds of salads available at maceys (honey bbq, bleu cheese, bacon ranch, almond, cesar), i don't want to talk for two hours about how you want to wear high heels but don't want to be taller than your husband on your wedding day, and i don't really need you to read all the news stories on your homepage aloud to me every morning. i think you're amazing and i have a lot of respect for you, but i really didn't want to hear about literally every member of your extended family and where they live right now (and in the past) and what drama they caused in your family as kids. you are some of the nicest, most honestly wonderful co workers i've ever had, but i just don't need an update every day about everything your roommate did and said last night (especially please stop complaining that your indian roommate's mom is visiting and pretty much saying you think their food smells like ass and you have to air out your apartment) and if i have to pretend another dog is the cutest dog i've ever seen, i'm going to vomit. also i just don't care about the drawings your fiance's niece drew yesterday.
some days i feel so good, and so energetic for a change, and i think that i'm going to do everything i want to do--work out, write and submit articles, do some research, be awesome to everyone, be myself, speak up, get an awesome hairstyle, go to the ballet and the theater and to concerts, hike and have adventures, and recreate myself.
then i just feel like, what's the point? i work this job that no one cares about, then i go home and that's it. there is on glamour in this. i think that's part of the problem, or the entire problem: i'm not looking forward to anything, i'm not going anywhere, i don't have any plans. and just thinking about plans exhausts me.
then i just feel like, what's the point? i work this job that no one cares about, then i go home and that's it. there is on glamour in this. i think that's part of the problem, or the entire problem: i'm not looking forward to anything, i'm not going anywhere, i don't have any plans. and just thinking about plans exhausts me.
filing
at work we file a set of reports every day. they go in a little box with numbered tabs separating the different days.
my boss: "uhhh... i think i've been putting these in wrong every day. now i have the 21st and 22nd in the same slot............ it looks like they go in front of the tab instead of behind it................................................."
stares at me.
i stare at him back, knowing what he wants.
he stares at me.
............................
........................................
me: "i... will file them tomorrow."
boss: "great!!!"
LAAAAAAAAAAAAZY. i am not your bitch!
infantilization
i use a live wall paper on my phone that looks like this ^^. it's called paperland and i love it because it changes to match the weather and time of day in your area, which for some reason just makes me so excited.
i was using my phone during a meeting with three men today and all the sudden felt embarrassed they might see it. then i realized how weird that was, and wondered why they might not like it. trying to think of reasons a guy might not use the app, i thought, "well, it's 'girly'," but that doesn't really make sense because there's nothing inherently girly about it. it's just stylized, so why would a male artist be opposed to it? then i realized: the simple colors and shapes, the themes... it's childlike. but i bet if you asked a guy who wouldn't use it why that is, he would say that it's girly, which really means childlike, because women are crazy initialized (or, of course, sexed up, but it's only one or the other, because binaries and patriarchy).
so that felt weird.
also, i still haven't seen august: osage county yet, but really want to. but i feel like i can't ask my husband to watch it with me. i think it's because it focuses mainly on women and/or relationships. even though they're family relationships, which men are a part of, somehow it's ridiculous to expect a man to sit through a movie about a woman or about traditionally female topics. even though women sit through movies about men... pretty much every time.
le babies
i'm not ready to have kids, but i'm getting there.
i realized this week, though, that when my husband's done with his undergrad, i'll be 26. at that point he will still need to earn a master's sometime and find a job. not to mention i want to complete a master's and find a new job, not necessarily before we have kids but without things getting too crazy between the two of us. i always wished to have all my kids by 30, so that freaked me out a little.
maybe i will save as much money as i can, quit my job when we have our first kid, start earning my degree at home, and transition back to work at a good time?
i don't really know.
i realized this week, though, that when my husband's done with his undergrad, i'll be 26. at that point he will still need to earn a master's sometime and find a job. not to mention i want to complete a master's and find a new job, not necessarily before we have kids but without things getting too crazy between the two of us. i always wished to have all my kids by 30, so that freaked me out a little.
maybe i will save as much money as i can, quit my job when we have our first kid, start earning my degree at home, and transition back to work at a good time?
i don't really know.
lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy
that is sometimes the only thing i think my middle aged, white, male co workers are. i guess i am just not cut out to be a "secretary" (even though that is not my job title.... or my job).
co worker: "i have this form for a vehicle that's not on my list. do.. you know who it belongs to?"
me: "we have the same list, so it shows on mine that it also doesn't exist. weird!"
what he should have done next: "ok! well, i'll call the auto shop and figure it out."
what he did: stood there and stared at me until i said, "i can call the auto shop for you and ask about it." him: "yeeeeeah that'd be great."
we cleared it up and i updated my form (which consisted of copying one cell and pasting it in the one underneath). he was like, "can you send me your updated spreadsheet so i have a copy? thanks!!!"
also that one time my boss had me change literally one letter in a document he was reviewing on his computer and then email it back to him.
yeah.
co worker: "i have this form for a vehicle that's not on my list. do.. you know who it belongs to?"
me: "we have the same list, so it shows on mine that it also doesn't exist. weird!"
what he should have done next: "ok! well, i'll call the auto shop and figure it out."
what he did: stood there and stared at me until i said, "i can call the auto shop for you and ask about it." him: "yeeeeeah that'd be great."
we cleared it up and i updated my form (which consisted of copying one cell and pasting it in the one underneath). he was like, "can you send me your updated spreadsheet so i have a copy? thanks!!!"
also that one time my boss had me change literally one letter in a document he was reviewing on his computer and then email it back to him.
yeah.
and then more sexism
at work, making a printed label for male colleague: "you are so efficient. i bet you keep your husband fed and happy."
thanks?
thanks?
moses 1
we recently taught this sunday school lesson, and it was going great until the conversation about satan's influence started dragging a little. i asked if anyone had any last comments about that section of the lesson, and a woman in the very, very back (all combined) bouncing her baby raised her hand. she started going on about all the evil in the world and 'people taking roles they don't belong in' and the threat of gay marriage and 'the feminist movement' and women wanting the priesthood...
as she kept talking i could feel myself glazing over. for real?
when she got done i stumbled around my words and said some b.s. about focusing on personal revelation and kindness and not working about 'big picture topics.' i kept thinking about it all afternoon. i was mortified that the moment had come and i failed to stand up for myself and for others there who might have thought like i did.
if i could go back in time this is what i would say:
"well, i'm a feminist and i think there is room for a lot of different view points in the gospel, which is one thing that's so great about it. i also think we don't know the answers to a lot of questions and, like the articles of faith say, we believe many things will still be revealed. it's important to focus on faith and building others up."
oh i wish i could change it.
as she kept talking i could feel myself glazing over. for real?
when she got done i stumbled around my words and said some b.s. about focusing on personal revelation and kindness and not working about 'big picture topics.' i kept thinking about it all afternoon. i was mortified that the moment had come and i failed to stand up for myself and for others there who might have thought like i did.
if i could go back in time this is what i would say:
"well, i'm a feminist and i think there is room for a lot of different view points in the gospel, which is one thing that's so great about it. i also think we don't know the answers to a lot of questions and, like the articles of faith say, we believe many things will still be revealed. it's important to focus on faith and building others up."
oh i wish i could change it.
veggie tyrant
"why would someone who's a vegetarian ever marry someone who eats mostly meat? you're kind of just setting yourself up for a grumpy, unsatisfied husband if all you cook is veggies." --employee
ooooor picky spouses can just cook their own f***ing food. and maybe happiness in marriage could be based on something other than what one spouse cooks.
(on a serious note tho, they may have probs--i guess?--when kids come in the picture, if it's something that matters a lot to them.)
ooooor picky spouses can just cook their own f***ing food. and maybe happiness in marriage could be based on something other than what one spouse cooks.
(on a serious note tho, they may have probs--i guess?--when kids come in the picture, if it's something that matters a lot to them.)
nightmares
i still have nightmares about my student employees ganging up on me to get the wages, hours, and allowances they thought they deserved. i wake up stressed and irritated. this shows a combination of how pathetic i am and how truly bad it really was. so glad they are gone.
just no
people treat secretaries like crap, period. especially when you are a 24 year old woman and they are an older man or woman. when people from the university come in, if i don't give them exactly what they want the first time (which is a problem when they usually don't know what they're talking about, or i have to ask questions to clarify what they mean), they will literally interrupt or turn away from me while i'm talking and ask for one of the men managers. they think i don't know what i'm talking about.
after telling a gentleman on monday that we don't do receiving in the reception area and directing him to the warehouse, he said "no i'll just leave this right here and you can tell him it's here." excuse me?
this morning a lady said "kurt asked me to pick up a table from the northwest corner of the building." ok, who is kurt? is it public surplus? there isn't anything in that corner of the building, do you know anything else ab-- "is the boss here? i'll just ask him." excuse me?
that is all.
after telling a gentleman on monday that we don't do receiving in the reception area and directing him to the warehouse, he said "no i'll just leave this right here and you can tell him it's here." excuse me?
this morning a lady said "kurt asked me to pick up a table from the northwest corner of the building." ok, who is kurt? is it public surplus? there isn't anything in that corner of the building, do you know anything else ab-- "is the boss here? i'll just ask him." excuse me?
that is all.
feb 3
this is the day we are moving in to our new apartment. i am beyond excited. and i think i'm going to go back to church. for real, guyz. all three hours, every sunday.
wish me luck.
wish me luck.
dad
tonight i barely missed a call from home. i called back and my dad answered. he sounded tired. he told me he just wanted to call and see how i was. almost as soon as he had said this, he started his usual goodbye spiel, "well, i just wanted to see how you were, that's the only reason i really called." i hadn't talked to him about anything yet, so i was confused. my connection was bad so we both kept cutting out. "hello? hello?" it might have just been my imagination, but his voice sounded helpless and a little panicked. i told him i'd send him an email soon so we could talk more.
my mom texted me later to tell me that when he hung up the phone, he started to cry.
a few mornings ago, sam told me i had been crying out for my dad in my sleep.
i feel like he will be doing fine until one day, he will just be gone. my mom shared with a few of us that one night last week he couldn't get to sleep--he kept waking up, terrified, just this intense fear of going to sleep all through his body. "don't leave me tonight," she told him as she held him and he finally fell asleep.
i have been doing fine, and he has been doing fine. but that deep, cold pain and fear are starting to come back.
my mom texted me later to tell me that when he hung up the phone, he started to cry.
a few mornings ago, sam told me i had been crying out for my dad in my sleep.
i feel like he will be doing fine until one day, he will just be gone. my mom shared with a few of us that one night last week he couldn't get to sleep--he kept waking up, terrified, just this intense fear of going to sleep all through his body. "don't leave me tonight," she told him as she held him and he finally fell asleep.
i have been doing fine, and he has been doing fine. but that deep, cold pain and fear are starting to come back.
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