i will also just add to the previous post how long and sprawled the restoration of the gospel was. many people were inspired to translate the bible. many gave their lives to make it available. the printing press had to be invented. the churches needed to be reformed so that people were allowed to read and participate. people had to become literate. the written word had to become popular. many people had to be instilled with the fire of conviction to think upon and write great things. people had to be brave enough to pass those sometimes illegal pamphlets to strangers, family, and friends. revolution needed to happen in people's minds. revolutions needed to happen on french soil, american soil, and soil across the world. more great people circulated more great ideas. the new american states became a place for people to come from financial persecution. people also found religious freedom here. many sects found footing and battled for souls. one of those souls was joseph smith, who saw the battle, had the miracle of the written bible, and knelt down to pray.
i am trying to remember how much bloodshed, sadness, and unappreciated bravery went in to this restoration. i don't believe in american exceptionalism and i don't even believe the united states is a christian nation. but i do believe god's plans are slow and steady and that educating ourselves, having open minds, and having compassion--along with keeping the eternal view people love to talk about in sunday school--should be the top priority for any member anywhere.
anyone who says 'we have no need for brave agitators' is ungrateful and misinformed.
"no man or woman can change god's laws, only god can so they're stupid."
obviously kate kelly believes that, otherwise she wouldn't have been petitioning directly to the Lord's servants. but also guess what, the only thing that limits god is US. maybe WE'RE the ones that need our hearts softened and our minds opened so we can receive new revelation. god would never give us revelation we weren't ready for. a lot of members are always saying how the church's laws will never change from "social pressure" or "protesting," and they are right, but what they're missing is accountability--our accountability to search, ponder, and pray and instead of being settled, be ready for glorious change, be teachable, and look for good, and seek for all the possible good we could bring in to the world.
1885: LDS church publicly condemns and releases Bishop John Sharp for renouncing polygamy
1890: LDS church renounces polygamy
1942: LDS church excommunicates Helmuth Huebner, who was arrested for opposing Hilter and was waiting execution
1946: Huebner is posthumously reinstated with note "excommunicated by mistake"
1977: LDS Church excommunicates Byron Marchant and Douglas A Wallace for opposing LDS ban on Blacks receiving the priesthood
1978 LDS church discontinues ban on Blacks receiving the priesthood
obviously kate kelly believes that, otherwise she wouldn't have been petitioning directly to the Lord's servants. but also guess what, the only thing that limits god is US. maybe WE'RE the ones that need our hearts softened and our minds opened so we can receive new revelation. god would never give us revelation we weren't ready for. a lot of members are always saying how the church's laws will never change from "social pressure" or "protesting," and they are right, but what they're missing is accountability--our accountability to search, ponder, and pray and instead of being settled, be ready for glorious change, be teachable, and look for good, and seek for all the possible good we could bring in to the world.
1885: LDS church publicly condemns and releases Bishop John Sharp for renouncing polygamy
1890: LDS church renounces polygamy
1942: LDS church excommunicates Helmuth Huebner, who was arrested for opposing Hilter and was waiting execution
1946: Huebner is posthumously reinstated with note "excommunicated by mistake"
1977: LDS Church excommunicates Byron Marchant and Douglas A Wallace for opposing LDS ban on Blacks receiving the priesthood
1978 LDS church discontinues ban on Blacks receiving the priesthood
friday was one of the worst days i have ever had at my current or any other job.
the day started with my supervisor telling me to change one of the policies i have for my students. i completely disagreed with him and told him why. we had a long discussion about it (that was extremely awkward because he would stop talking and smile whenever someone walked by, and also made me move locations several times so no one would overhear us talking--too bad i don't have an actual workspace or that wouldn't be a problem). the problem was one i had long been dealing with and had brought up to him several times over the last few years only to have him completely dismiss my concerns. without his acknowledgement or help, i developed my own solution. still, he told me he was "confident and settled" with his decision (which he didn't ask me about even though it effects every minute of every shift for everyone on my team, and also my eight hour work day) and that when i talked to my employees i could blame it all on him and he was fine with that (because that will really help me retain the good, open, appropriate relationship with them them that i have worked and sorrowed for years to build). after it was all done, he said, "i just want you to know i'm not mad at you."
i was stunned and replied with a matter of fact "i'm not mad at you either" even though he had already walked away from me; he didn't look back and said nothing. it was so condescending and i couldn't BELIEVE he thought that the most important last thought to leave me with, that the final word of a frank but completely unemotional professional conversation should be him assuring me that he wasn't mad at me.
fast forward a few hours: my other direct supervisor, who i barely even see, had asked me at the very last minute to order lunch for him and some others because they would be in meetings all morning. never mind that i myself was in meetings literally all morning. when i finally got there and found out the food had never showed up, i took care of it immediately and then took the food in as soon as it got there. "i'm sorry," i said when i took it in, "i haven't been here all morning so i wasn't able to take care of this sooner." my supervisor said, as if to a child, "oh don't worry, don't feel bad about it. it all worked out." not only did i not give a shit about their sandwiches that they asked me to order while i was literally walking out the door that morning not getting there on time, but it's not like i was shaken up or overly apologetic or anything. it was a courteous, professional apology for a mistake that wasn't mine.
why do these men who are my supervisors feel that they need to not only invent but coddle emotions for me? sometimes i second guess myself: are people really being sexist or am i being sensitive? but in two years i haven't heard either of them make a statement like that to my male co-workers, even after heated (even yelling) conversations on work-related topics. the first supervisor steam rolls people ALL the time, and the second one is flakier to everyone than most i've worked with, but the difference with me is that they think my emotions are not only part of but the defining aspect of our professional relationship.
the day started with my supervisor telling me to change one of the policies i have for my students. i completely disagreed with him and told him why. we had a long discussion about it (that was extremely awkward because he would stop talking and smile whenever someone walked by, and also made me move locations several times so no one would overhear us talking--too bad i don't have an actual workspace or that wouldn't be a problem). the problem was one i had long been dealing with and had brought up to him several times over the last few years only to have him completely dismiss my concerns. without his acknowledgement or help, i developed my own solution. still, he told me he was "confident and settled" with his decision (which he didn't ask me about even though it effects every minute of every shift for everyone on my team, and also my eight hour work day) and that when i talked to my employees i could blame it all on him and he was fine with that (because that will really help me retain the good, open, appropriate relationship with them them that i have worked and sorrowed for years to build). after it was all done, he said, "i just want you to know i'm not mad at you."
i was stunned and replied with a matter of fact "i'm not mad at you either" even though he had already walked away from me; he didn't look back and said nothing. it was so condescending and i couldn't BELIEVE he thought that the most important last thought to leave me with, that the final word of a frank but completely unemotional professional conversation should be him assuring me that he wasn't mad at me.
fast forward a few hours: my other direct supervisor, who i barely even see, had asked me at the very last minute to order lunch for him and some others because they would be in meetings all morning. never mind that i myself was in meetings literally all morning. when i finally got there and found out the food had never showed up, i took care of it immediately and then took the food in as soon as it got there. "i'm sorry," i said when i took it in, "i haven't been here all morning so i wasn't able to take care of this sooner." my supervisor said, as if to a child, "oh don't worry, don't feel bad about it. it all worked out." not only did i not give a shit about their sandwiches that they asked me to order while i was literally walking out the door that morning not getting there on time, but it's not like i was shaken up or overly apologetic or anything. it was a courteous, professional apology for a mistake that wasn't mine.
why do these men who are my supervisors feel that they need to not only invent but coddle emotions for me? sometimes i second guess myself: are people really being sexist or am i being sensitive? but in two years i haven't heard either of them make a statement like that to my male co-workers, even after heated (even yelling) conversations on work-related topics. the first supervisor steam rolls people ALL the time, and the second one is flakier to everyone than most i've worked with, but the difference with me is that they think my emotions are not only part of but the defining aspect of our professional relationship.
in the summer of 2010, as a CA, i had contemplated and all but decided to take my own life after learning about the church's history with polygamy, its likely continued practice in heaven, and the true meaning of the covenants i would make if i were to marry in the LDS temple. the single, uncomplicated thought that kept me from leaving was that god loves me. believing that has kept me in the church and has also led me to feminism. feminism is what gives me faith, and the Savior is whom i have faith in. faith he will provide answers to his church in his time and that he will balm my soul and allow me to continue until that time.
it is not the right thing to excommunicate kate kelly.
it is not the right thing to excommunicate kate kelly.
"how was your family reunion?"
well, on sunday i stayed home from church because my dad woke up and told my mom, "i don't think i feel like going to school today." my mom asked me to please quietly check up on him every half hour and make sure he was still breathing.
i also found out my dad's latest development is that he randomly loses control of his bowels. my mom has picked him up twice from work, and it happened again while he went in some place alone to get himself take out of something he could stomach.
he cried a couple times, and several more times when he was alone with my mom, because he felt like he was "just a problem" and that he was keeping everyone from having fun.
f--- work, f--- church. i don't know how any of us function. i don't know how to act like everything's fine.
how was your weekend?
i also found out my dad's latest development is that he randomly loses control of his bowels. my mom has picked him up twice from work, and it happened again while he went in some place alone to get himself take out of something he could stomach.
he cried a couple times, and several more times when he was alone with my mom, because he felt like he was "just a problem" and that he was keeping everyone from having fun.
f--- work, f--- church. i don't know how any of us function. i don't know how to act like everything's fine.
how was your weekend?
unfortunately for me, one of my employees has been writing up and preparing her wedding invite address labels at work. unfortunate because she has been saying things like "i hate the whole feminist-keep-your-last-name-thing. i mean, i get the sentiment behind it, but it just makes it so long to do his name and her name" and making my blood boil. i'm so, so, so, so, so sorry that some woman's need to exert her own identity and be true to herself is causing your address labels to not fit like you want them to.
what i said: "yeah."
what i should have said: "i'm considering changing my name back. i think it's awesome and really personal."
there was a small win when she asked me if it was better etiquette to write "mr and mrs [his name]" or just "his and her name". i told her i personally HATE the "mr and mrs his name" shtick (yes, i added that much emphasis) and that it's technically correct but really ridiculous. she decided against the "mr and mrs woman doesn't exist" way and that made my heart soar!
what i said: "yeah."
what i should have said: "i'm considering changing my name back. i think it's awesome and really personal."
there was a small win when she asked me if it was better etiquette to write "mr and mrs [his name]" or just "his and her name". i told her i personally HATE the "mr and mrs his name" shtick (yes, i added that much emphasis) and that it's technically correct but really ridiculous. she decided against the "mr and mrs woman doesn't exist" way and that made my heart soar!
my boss gets an email every time i create a new employee in our system. every time, without fail, that the new employee has an uncommon name (usually international students), he will call me into his office just to ask me:
'is this person a man or a woman?'
i hate this question. so much. why--ever, ever, ever, ever x1000--would he need to know this? i will usually mumble which one it is and politely huff off.
maybe from now on i should say, 'i don't know, does it matter?'
most likely, he will NEVER have any kind of personal interaction with these students, he just sees their names on the screen. but still, he just can't be comfortable until he knows if some arbitrary person under him that he will never meet in person has a vagina or penis so he can make sure to treat them accordingly.
'is this person a man or a woman?'
i hate this question. so much. why--ever, ever, ever, ever x1000--would he need to know this? i will usually mumble which one it is and politely huff off.
maybe from now on i should say, 'i don't know, does it matter?'
most likely, he will NEVER have any kind of personal interaction with these students, he just sees their names on the screen. but still, he just can't be comfortable until he knows if some arbitrary person under him that he will never meet in person has a vagina or penis so he can make sure to treat them accordingly.
mother's day service
the most gag worthy part of church on mother's day was when a woman from the rs presidency opened by saying, "nice to see all you nurturers today!!"
but the worst part of church on mother's day was when the stake president got up at the end of sacrament meeting and said the following:
"i was surprised to learn not long ago that some sisters actually feel quite uncomfortable or sad on mother's day. rather than having them tell you why that is, i'm going to offer what i think: i think it's a matter of perspective." he then went on to talk about how women are easy to forget they are daughters of god and then tell us all why women (yes, talking in the third person about all us ladies there) are so wonderful. (i don't think he ever addressed the women.)
i hated it so much i wanted to scream. i have no doubt that he, as a church leader, has had some women--or more likely, couples--open up to him about issues, most likely infertility. i am sure he loves the women in his life and feels he respects him. i can also understand that he wouldn't/shouldn't have gone in to any specifics about what people have told him in private. but why does he think he gets to diagnose and tell women what their problem is? especially after he KNOWINGLY denied women a voice, even through him.
it also makes about 0% sense to me that he decided that the problem was that women just forget they're daughters of god. i'm guessing what he meant was that women who struggle with becoming mothers should feel better because they're daughters of god and all blessings are promised in this life or the next blah blah. but he didn't say that, and even if he did, that doesn't make it better.
seems to me so many lds women struggle on mother's day in church because the church places suffocating focus on becoming and being a perfect mother, so much so that women become depressed and feel they aren't valued for every other thing in their lives. and even if a woman does struggle with infertility and is comforted by knowing 'blessings' will come to her in 'the next life,' that does not ease or erase the fact that she will spend her life in a church that defines womanhood in only one way, champions misnomers as doctrine, and gives her no other guidance or goal besides one she can't obtain. and if she doesn't take comfort in it, it especially doesn't make her silly or shortsighted or just teehee a typical woman.
also, "women" and "mothers" are NOT interchangeable. "mother" is the name for a woman who has children. women with no children are not mothers. the possibility that they will have children in the future does not make them a mother. so if it was actually women's day they were wanting to celebrate, they missed it because it was on march 8th.
so many things to say about this but it's getting long, so poo on you stake prez, and you can stick your advice up your--.
today i feel nothing. my mom has clinical depression, so i always feel selfish saying i have depression, even if it might be true, because it feels weird to say i suffer in any measure close to what she has, having seen her struggle. it comes in spells and always starts with getting in bed at night and suddenly believing my husband and family rightly hate me, that i am useless and have failed at everything in my life, and that nothing will ever get better. sometimes i wake up and can make it to work and do things just fine. this morning i told everyone at work i thought i had pink eye (to be fair, my eye is f'ed up) and that i was going to stay home in the morning to see how it went. i don't know why i don't just tell my boss (or his boss, who is 1000 times more sympathetic and down to earth) that i have depressive episodes. probably because then someone might say i should actually get checked out and i just don't want to go there. i usually make up some excuse if i can't bear to come in to work, and it happens often enough that my boss has stopped telling me to feel better and started saying, 'okay. thanks for the heads up.' i know he doesn't believe me, and i probably wouldn't believe me either, but he wouldn't understand. someone who hasn't had a close encounter with depression--themselves or a loved one or friend--would never fully have the patient understanding of what it means to have someone say,
'i won't be in today. i just cannot do it. i cannot get out of my bed, but i feel a little ok when i lie here and do nothing.'
'i can't get off the floor.'
'i sat down to go to the bathroom and i seriously just don't know when i'll be able to get up.'
'i can't stop giggling uncontrollably and saying stupid, annoying shit like i'm four, and if i could i would have to feel my depression and i can't deal with it.'
'i'm not coming in because i can't bear it, but don't worry, it's not like i'm skipping and having fun. i can't even watch netflix, because the more i watch the more i hate myself.'
these are all things i could have really said instead of making an excuse to my boss. i have the sick time and i always get my work done, but i still don't feel like i can say i'm having a bad day.
i was zoning out while staring at my computer and so unable to focus on something that i scrolled my mouse a little to make it look like i was reading something instead of just staring straight ahead when i decided to write this, and it's making me feel a little bit better.
'i won't be in today. i just cannot do it. i cannot get out of my bed, but i feel a little ok when i lie here and do nothing.'
'i can't get off the floor.'
'i sat down to go to the bathroom and i seriously just don't know when i'll be able to get up.'
'i can't stop giggling uncontrollably and saying stupid, annoying shit like i'm four, and if i could i would have to feel my depression and i can't deal with it.'
'i'm not coming in because i can't bear it, but don't worry, it's not like i'm skipping and having fun. i can't even watch netflix, because the more i watch the more i hate myself.'
these are all things i could have really said instead of making an excuse to my boss. i have the sick time and i always get my work done, but i still don't feel like i can say i'm having a bad day.
i was zoning out while staring at my computer and so unable to focus on something that i scrolled my mouse a little to make it look like i was reading something instead of just staring straight ahead when i decided to write this, and it's making me feel a little bit better.
"why change the best healthcare system in the world?"
someone just said this in my office. lady, do you know anything about healthcare?
"do you see what i'm saying?"
this is the single most disrespectful, condescending thing i hear in an office full of men.
i love getting mainsplained in the morning... for twenty minutes... about my job (that i did correctly, despite what you think, sir)... at my desk... in front of the entire office. humiliating. on a good friday, too. i did stand up for myself, though, and i am growing in self respect, which is kick ass. it made him go back on what he said and kind of piss himself.
"i'm not telling you how to do it"
(yes you just did)
"i don't really know anything about it"
(no you don't)
i love getting mainsplained in the morning... for twenty minutes... about my job (that i did correctly, despite what you think, sir)... at my desk... in front of the entire office. humiliating. on a good friday, too. i did stand up for myself, though, and i am growing in self respect, which is kick ass. it made him go back on what he said and kind of piss himself.
"i'm not telling you how to do it"
(yes you just did)
"i don't really know anything about it"
(no you don't)
cw: temple
this.
more and more, i feel an overwhelming desire to do only one of two things:
1 - completely walk away from the church. probably look for a different religion that focuses on kindness, acceptance, and love without exception, but probably not another church.
2 - fast, pray, search, and cry unto the God i believe in for answers and for the spirit, and for further revelation and guidance for the church. for every major decision in my life, i have felt a calm, peaceful, lack of answer from heaven. i have found this liberating, and seen it as a sign that i should choose for myself and all would be well, no matter what i selected. it was a great sign of autonomy for me. now, though, i find it terrifying and destroying. what if i pray, fast, search, and cry to God for an answer and there is none? do i truly believe i could receive an answer? if i don't, because i haven't ever received a grand, sweeping answer before, is that--my disbelief--what's preventing me from getting an answer? is it possible that God would let sexism, discrimination, suffering, and essentially a giant, engulfing, dark cloud of misunderstanding not only permeate but define the gospel? do i have faith to keep going? sometimes i feel that i would submit everything to Him, that i would suffer it all and rely on faith in pain. but what if it's not true, and i spent my life dedicated to a church that ended up not being true, that i suspected wasn't true? spent my time doing what others told me was good when i saw it was not good? or am i more afraid that it is all true, and that women are, truly, in the most demeaning sense of the word, appendages? vessels for bearing children and nothing more?
more and more, i feel an overwhelming desire to do only one of two things:
1 - completely walk away from the church. probably look for a different religion that focuses on kindness, acceptance, and love without exception, but probably not another church.
2 - fast, pray, search, and cry unto the God i believe in for answers and for the spirit, and for further revelation and guidance for the church. for every major decision in my life, i have felt a calm, peaceful, lack of answer from heaven. i have found this liberating, and seen it as a sign that i should choose for myself and all would be well, no matter what i selected. it was a great sign of autonomy for me. now, though, i find it terrifying and destroying. what if i pray, fast, search, and cry to God for an answer and there is none? do i truly believe i could receive an answer? if i don't, because i haven't ever received a grand, sweeping answer before, is that--my disbelief--what's preventing me from getting an answer? is it possible that God would let sexism, discrimination, suffering, and essentially a giant, engulfing, dark cloud of misunderstanding not only permeate but define the gospel? do i have faith to keep going? sometimes i feel that i would submit everything to Him, that i would suffer it all and rely on faith in pain. but what if it's not true, and i spent my life dedicated to a church that ended up not being true, that i suspected wasn't true? spent my time doing what others told me was good when i saw it was not good? or am i more afraid that it is all true, and that women are, truly, in the most demeaning sense of the word, appendages? vessels for bearing children and nothing more?
heavenly mother,
are you really there?
and do you see and answer
every single tear?
some say that all
has now been said,
and i feel thy absence
'round me as i'm led.
heavenly mother,
i remember now
something that jesus told
a disciple long ago.
'woman, why weepest,
whom seekest thou?'
mother, in faith i'm coming
to thee now.
are you really there?
and do you see and answer
every single tear?
some say that all
has now been said,
and i feel thy absence
'round me as i'm led.
heavenly mother,
i remember now
something that jesus told
a disciple long ago.
'woman, why weepest,
whom seekest thou?'
mother, in faith i'm coming
to thee now.
beard card
if i have to listen to my boss lecture one more person about their beard card, i'm going to punch a baby dolphin. if it comes up AT ALL, he gives them the whole go.
"what is the purpose for your beard card? . . . ok, well, the beard card is only for medical reasons, so if you can not shave for a medical reason. so if that clears up, even before your beard card expires, make sure you start shaving and not just keep your beard card because you have it. that is not what it's for."
"well, the beard card is not for your comfort. it's only for when your skin is too irritated to shave. so as soon as you can, you need to start shaving. it's not for employees to take advantage."
"it's not honest to keep a beard card if you can shave."
why don't you tell us how you really feel about this ridic rule.
"what is the purpose for your beard card? . . . ok, well, the beard card is only for medical reasons, so if you can not shave for a medical reason. so if that clears up, even before your beard card expires, make sure you start shaving and not just keep your beard card because you have it. that is not what it's for."
"well, the beard card is not for your comfort. it's only for when your skin is too irritated to shave. so as soon as you can, you need to start shaving. it's not for employees to take advantage."
"it's not honest to keep a beard card if you can shave."
why don't you tell us how you really feel about this ridic rule.
dream
i was hanging out with a group of people and we were working on something. it was time to eat so we started semi-lining up. there wasn't a clear line, but i was clearly one of the next few people, having waited a while. still, a guy acquaintance from high school stepped sideways right in front of me. "ok," i thought, and i stepped around in front of him. i put my hand on his arm and said, "i'm sorry, but i'm working on exerting myself." knowing him, i thought for sure he'd understand, but he said, "why would you need to exert yourself?"
maybe it's too much mad men.
maybe it's too much mad men.
normal day at the office. the last fifteen minutes of one of our meetings today was my boss telling everyone how he'll be gone because he's taking his family to DC for training he's attending. he said they got white house passes from our senator and that when he meets "mr. obama" he'll get to shake his hand "...........or not." this was followed by all our co-workers slamming obama in different ways, and ended with someone saying: "well, did you hear?? they're going to haul a big chunk of coal to mt. rushmore and add him a new portrait."
also said by my boss today (of a co-worker's new grandchild): "jacob is a good name. bible names NEVER go out of style." (he has a biblical name.) (so do his six brothers.) (they all own proximate land and live together in the mountains. for realsies.)
also said by my boss today (of a co-worker's new grandchild): "jacob is a good name. bible names NEVER go out of style." (he has a biblical name.) (so do his six brothers.) (they all own proximate land and live together in the mountains. for realsies.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)