today i had a digital job interview with a really reputable company. that's right, when i "entered" the interview i saw the questions for 30 seconds and then it recorded my video answers.
except, it was LITERALLY two minutes long. like, there was one question with a two minute time limit. which i didn't know in advance, or else i wouldn't have stressed about it for so long, and probably would have done it a long time ago.
pack up and go home everybody. just keep the job you have or go back to school because the job search world is seriously too weird.
manic pixie dream girl
in high school, i dreamed of being a manic pixie dream girl. actually, more of a hilary duff-manic pixie dream girl crossbreed. elizabethtown came out when i was 15, and i just crushed so hard on it. i loved it. i still own the movie, and while i'm now aware that it is generally considered to be a terrible movie, (yeah, and yeah) there will always be a special place in my heart for it since it meant so much to me in my life at that moment.
like, to be a manic pixie dream girl, you just make up your own fashion sense and make up your own style of life and make up your own humor and be quirky and THAT'S IT, everyone will love you and the 'right' people will float in and out of your life. you'll have transient but meaningful friends, meet-cute lovers, and a charming, artsy, tag line life. i thought that was the greatest. and i always felt like i had transient friends (until the CA group), meet-cute lovers (even including my husband), and a charming, artsy, tag line life. even if it was mostly private and i wasn't actually a MPDG, i was in my mind in the way that for some reason mattered to me.
to be fair, the combination of my introverted but comfortable personality and a vague MPDG dream did result in a positive: me having self confidence and a boldness to march to the beat of my own drum, which i don't regret. but what happens when you don't have a quirky or "you do you" impulse to act on? what happens when you just want "a d v e n t u r e" in your life (which, just wanting that makes you feel like a manic pixie dream girl) but nothing you can think of would be genuine or worth it or interesting?
blogs are dying. sometimes i still really want to write on my public blog. sometimes i want to "bring it back." there's a really toxic blog culture, but i never felt sucked into that. i genuinely enjoyed experimenting with my writing and throwing a bit of myself out there, especially as an introvert. it gave me a lot of personal satisfaction, an outlet to talk about difficult things in my life, and yes, it even egged me on. i was a really private person who had a way to make really private things public in a way that was healthy and stimulating for me. like, when i did interesting things i could write about them on my blog and it infused life into me. but now blogs are dying and life is different, i'm different. i feel like i need to hold my cards so close to my chest. all the things i could be saying or developing in myself stay bottled up or come out as unpleasant, angry rants here.
i'm in a funk in life and i have been for years, and at the times that i have the gumption and will power to move on and change everything i can't because i genuinely don't know what i want. and it was easier when i wanted to be a manic pixie dream girl.
like, to be a manic pixie dream girl, you just make up your own fashion sense and make up your own style of life and make up your own humor and be quirky and THAT'S IT, everyone will love you and the 'right' people will float in and out of your life. you'll have transient but meaningful friends, meet-cute lovers, and a charming, artsy, tag line life. i thought that was the greatest. and i always felt like i had transient friends (until the CA group), meet-cute lovers (even including my husband), and a charming, artsy, tag line life. even if it was mostly private and i wasn't actually a MPDG, i was in my mind in the way that for some reason mattered to me.
to be fair, the combination of my introverted but comfortable personality and a vague MPDG dream did result in a positive: me having self confidence and a boldness to march to the beat of my own drum, which i don't regret. but what happens when you don't have a quirky or "you do you" impulse to act on? what happens when you just want "a d v e n t u r e" in your life (which, just wanting that makes you feel like a manic pixie dream girl) but nothing you can think of would be genuine or worth it or interesting?
blogs are dying. sometimes i still really want to write on my public blog. sometimes i want to "bring it back." there's a really toxic blog culture, but i never felt sucked into that. i genuinely enjoyed experimenting with my writing and throwing a bit of myself out there, especially as an introvert. it gave me a lot of personal satisfaction, an outlet to talk about difficult things in my life, and yes, it even egged me on. i was a really private person who had a way to make really private things public in a way that was healthy and stimulating for me. like, when i did interesting things i could write about them on my blog and it infused life into me. but now blogs are dying and life is different, i'm different. i feel like i need to hold my cards so close to my chest. all the things i could be saying or developing in myself stay bottled up or come out as unpleasant, angry rants here.
i'm in a funk in life and i have been for years, and at the times that i have the gumption and will power to move on and change everything i can't because i genuinely don't know what i want. and it was easier when i wanted to be a manic pixie dream girl.
when my 22 year old male employee hasn't heard of/doesn't know what menopause is, you know society is failing women. i mean, this kid is considered a prime bachelor in his community, eligible to enter into a serious intimate relationship with a woman, but he has never heard of menopause? it's like that one time i had a co-worker who had to explain to her 25 year old boyfriend what a period was. she thought it was ADORBS. i thought it was a very bad sign. they broke up.
also, guys fixing their balls through their pants in public: stop. srsly just stop, and go to the bathroom. especially if it's not an easy fix and you have to dig in there. if women were always readjusting and touching their breasts in public, people would throw pissy fits. even if the sexualization isn't there for men like it is for women, it is still not okay to play with your genitals in public.
also, guys fixing their balls through their pants in public: stop. srsly just stop, and go to the bathroom. especially if it's not an easy fix and you have to dig in there. if women were always readjusting and touching their breasts in public, people would throw pissy fits. even if the sexualization isn't there for men like it is for women, it is still not okay to play with your genitals in public.
in our last work retreat--the one where i worked in the kitchen the entire time--our big wig boss decided to roll out a new culture for our division. his new, great idea was to be 'the wolfpack.' the entire idea is to have really effective teamwork, but from the beginning, this was pretty stupid to me because literally the only reason wolves wolfpack is to kill stuff. but whatever.
over time we got wolfpack pencils, bookmarks, posters--everything. but everyone still hates the wolfpack. people make fun of it and some people joke (not so jokingly) that they're getting eaten alive by the wolfpack. so big wig had a meeting with all his upper management last week to say that everyone needs to get on board with the wolfpack and the already overwhelming and ridiculous discussion about the wolfpack is only going to intensify, complete with added meetings and worksheets.
in staff meeting this morning we were talking about it and one employee that isn't usually there raised his hand and said another employee confided in him that he has a really, really hard time with and "hates" the wolfpack. this employee's grandparents lived in germany during WWII. as their grandchild, he learned to hate 'the wolfpack' because his grandfather had constantly fought for his family, for innocent people, and for his life against the germans, who called themselves the 'wolfpack' and used that mentality. my boss's response was--and i shit you not--
"well that's what made the germans so successful."
a few people brought up some other concerns about how inherently violent it is, etc., until my boss finally shut everyone down and said he thought the employees were "intelligent" enough to realize the big whig doesn't intend negative implications to the wolfpack and that we all have to get behind it.
maybe the big wig should have been intelligent enough to have some cultural and linguistic sensitivity.
asses.
over time we got wolfpack pencils, bookmarks, posters--everything. but everyone still hates the wolfpack. people make fun of it and some people joke (not so jokingly) that they're getting eaten alive by the wolfpack. so big wig had a meeting with all his upper management last week to say that everyone needs to get on board with the wolfpack and the already overwhelming and ridiculous discussion about the wolfpack is only going to intensify, complete with added meetings and worksheets.
in staff meeting this morning we were talking about it and one employee that isn't usually there raised his hand and said another employee confided in him that he has a really, really hard time with and "hates" the wolfpack. this employee's grandparents lived in germany during WWII. as their grandchild, he learned to hate 'the wolfpack' because his grandfather had constantly fought for his family, for innocent people, and for his life against the germans, who called themselves the 'wolfpack' and used that mentality. my boss's response was--and i shit you not--
"well that's what made the germans so successful."
a few people brought up some other concerns about how inherently violent it is, etc., until my boss finally shut everyone down and said he thought the employees were "intelligent" enough to realize the big whig doesn't intend negative implications to the wolfpack and that we all have to get behind it.
maybe the big wig should have been intelligent enough to have some cultural and linguistic sensitivity.
asses.
in my dreams, here is how the next three weeks will go:
day 1 (today): complete fast
day 2: water fast (no food, water is allowed)
next 19 days, for a full 3 weeks: eat vegan, plus no sugar unless it's natural (i.e. from fruit, honey)
observations after only part of day 1: food provides so many milestones throughout my days. getting to leave work and eat lunch is some of the only sanity in my work day. right now i'm getting ready to go home, and the thought of going home and just not eating anything is kind of giving me anxiety. food is how i ease in and out of the parts of my day, and how i know the time of day or tone of day. eating is often what dh and i do together. like, if we're not going to be eating together, how will we spend time together? (i'm thinking exercise and outings.)
combine this with the fact that i took facebook off just my phone, and my life is completely different in one day.
it is all very iiiinteresting.
dawn of the planet of the apes
such a beautiful movie. the greek epic of apes.
and so fucking tired and patriarchal. there's a good human father and a bad human father, and a good ape father and a bad ape father. the fathers all have a son or sons but no daughters. the good fathers (only the good fathers) have ladiez, but all the ladiez do is be so *~motherly~* and #blessed. the fathers and sons get huffy. and in the end, the good underdog alpha male has to figure out how to be a good patriarch when there is much bad men, so trials, many his people.
like, is there really no other story to tell? they couldn't have come up with ANYTHING else? ANYTHING more interesting? war is the history and probably the future of humankind, but there is not even a shadow of modernity or women? women will always just take a step back and be invisible so the men can fight it out for menz powerz? when are the stories of toni morrison, marilynne robinson, gloria naylor going to become the epics?
at least in the lion king the lionesses got to be warriors.
i am disappoint, and i'm tired of the stories of men.
and so fucking tired and patriarchal. there's a good human father and a bad human father, and a good ape father and a bad ape father. the fathers all have a son or sons but no daughters. the good fathers (only the good fathers) have ladiez, but all the ladiez do is be so *~motherly~* and #blessed. the fathers and sons get huffy. and in the end, the good underdog alpha male has to figure out how to be a good patriarch when there is much bad men, so trials, many his people.
like, is there really no other story to tell? they couldn't have come up with ANYTHING else? ANYTHING more interesting? war is the history and probably the future of humankind, but there is not even a shadow of modernity or women? women will always just take a step back and be invisible so the men can fight it out for menz powerz? when are the stories of toni morrison, marilynne robinson, gloria naylor going to become the epics?
at least in the lion king the lionesses got to be warriors.
i am disappoint, and i'm tired of the stories of men.
mook comedies
today husband and i got into a fight debate about whether or not it makes sense to call a guy a 'bitch'. i definitively say yes, and he definitively says no. which got me thinking about pretty much the entire reason for my answer: the mook, which i have been obsessed with ever since i heard about it as a teenager.
in 2001, frontline published a documentary called "the merchants of cool". in it, they coined the term "mook", which refers to the persona mtv created as the cool yet still typical teenage guy. (its counterpart, the "midriff", which is an oversexualized but somehow still innocent and sweet girl--hello mila kunis?--is always lurking nearby.) what defines a mook is "infantile, boorish behavior."
since 2001, mooks have only become more and more prevalent, even having their own special kind of mini genre of movie. “crude and sexual content” pretty much perfectly defines all of these movies. when i think about mooks, here are some actors that come to mind, and a list of the mook movies they have been in (to be fair, i only included movies i have seen):
jonah hill
paul rudd (who i loathe almost as much as i loathe adam sandler)
adam sandler
i'm not saying i 100% hate all of these movies, but these guys have almost single-handedly created this generation's lasting, unique contribution to humor: mook comedy. and everyone wonders why there is a huge debate over women being funny or not: the big, blockbusting, mook comedies, which the industry easily favors, are inherently misogynistic and leave no plausibility for female comedians. women are only supposed to be comedic props and foils. (also please note that "bridesmaids", which is usually brought up in that conversation, with its nearly all female cast, uses many of the same tactics that mook comedies do: projectile vomiting, crudeness, general ridiculousness.) (don't get me wrong, i love "bridesmaids".) this is why when my husband tells me leslie knope is literally not funny at all but andy is hilarious, i am not just punching but obliterating so many baby dolphins in my head.
it may not seem super fair to pin it just on these guys, but they are the only persistent enforcers that haven't, in my opinion, shown other/actual artistic merit. jason schwartzman gets a pass because he is tied to the fabulous wes anderson. jason segel gets a pass, maybe almost just because of "the 5 year engagement" (biased). will ferrel is also in many of these movies, but he is too old to really be a mook, and he isn't quite in the club. steve carrell also has one foot in the club (hello michael scott?), but he is also somehow not completely all in. michael cera should also be on this list, but for some reason he just hasn't been as successful, and not quite sexist enough.
these guys are always acting like teenagers, and it’s in their teens that guys are going through puberty and trying to claim their awesome, heteronormative, male privileged place in M A N H O O D. an obvious part of proving you are a man is proving you are not a woman, which makes logical sense but unfortunately is one of this generation of americans' worse offenses in misogyny.
the entire reason i even started thinking about mook comedies was because i think the mook comedians are actually the first ones who started making it okay to call guys 'bitches'. i went on imdb to find out how many times 'bitch' is said in each of these movies, but what i found was shocking. ”bitch” is usually not listed on the content advisory for these movies because there are so many other, better, more colorful words to count in these movies, and bitch is considered a “minor” and pervasive swear word. (most notably listed is usually the word c---, as in “Get Him to the Greek” when russell brand says to his dad, 'you old c---!') we should probably add "pussy" to this list, because that has become the other favorite way of putting your guy friend down when he's being anything culturally feminine: weak, emotional, timid, or any other emotion or action that fails to prove his manhood in these hilarious, vital, turbulent (sarcasm) times of adolescence.
the mook comedies keep intensifying. take for instance "the wolf of wall street". there’s a reason leo didn’t win an oscar for this movie and that’s because, hm, it’s a glorified mook comedy, even if it is trying to satirize the mook comedy and white male privilege in general. and unfortunately, the oscar voters are 76% men and, on average, over the age of 63. so they’re not as into adolescent mook comedy OR getting called out on male privilege as they are eminent people and history or legend (of the right, conservative, traditional, american, male variety).
unfortunately (or fortunately), this not-so-new but constant use of the word "bitch" by the mooks is coinciding with a move in feminism to take back the word "bitch" and in general to reject misogyny in the media, which is resulting in a convoluted, modern, pretty much non-gendered but still inherently sexist use of the word "bitch".
not all mook movies have an overwhelming, constant background and story arc of misogyny. take for instance the "jackass" movies. but mook comedy is responsible for telling guys of this generation that it's ok--actually, it's hilarious and cool!!--to be a mook and, frankly, a bitch. interesting that women can only call men bitches once men have started calling men bitches.
thanks, mook comedy, for the new use of the already poor word "pussy", for the invention of the friend zone ("if jonah hill and other fat comedians can get with smoking hot women, why can't i??"), and for, really, absolutely nothing but chaos and pain.
in 2001, frontline published a documentary called "the merchants of cool". in it, they coined the term "mook", which refers to the persona mtv created as the cool yet still typical teenage guy. (its counterpart, the "midriff", which is an oversexualized but somehow still innocent and sweet girl--hello mila kunis?--is always lurking nearby.) what defines a mook is "infantile, boorish behavior."
since 2001, mooks have only become more and more prevalent, even having their own special kind of mini genre of movie. “crude and sexual content” pretty much perfectly defines all of these movies. when i think about mooks, here are some actors that come to mind, and a list of the mook movies they have been in (to be fair, i only included movies i have seen):
jonah hill
The Wolf of Wall Streetseth rogen (one description of him onenline was, “Seth Rogen has built a career playing overgrown adolescents.” yep. this is dying to be redemptive, but it's really just not):
21 Jump Street
Get Him to the Greek
Funny People
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Superbad
Knocked Up
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
22 Jump Street
Neighbors
Funny People
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
50/50
Pineapple Express
Step Brothers
Superbad
Knocked Up
You, Me and Dupree
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Anchorman
paul rudd (who i loathe almost as much as i loathe adam sandler)
This Is 40
Wanderlust
I Love You, Man
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Knocked Up
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Anchorman
adam sandler
there are no movies listed here because adam sandler is the father of what i will call the mook comedy, and there are too many to name. i’ll go ahead and let you google “adam sandler misogynist” so you can just see what you find, but i will take time to disagree with one writer who says that as stupid as sandler is, his “brand of comedy involves no crimes against humanity.” i feel like there's only one reason the author gets to say that, and i'll let you guess what it is. (man. the author is a man.)you see, there is a crime against humanity happening in these mook comedies and that's misogyny.
i'm not saying i 100% hate all of these movies, but these guys have almost single-handedly created this generation's lasting, unique contribution to humor: mook comedy. and everyone wonders why there is a huge debate over women being funny or not: the big, blockbusting, mook comedies, which the industry easily favors, are inherently misogynistic and leave no plausibility for female comedians. women are only supposed to be comedic props and foils. (also please note that "bridesmaids", which is usually brought up in that conversation, with its nearly all female cast, uses many of the same tactics that mook comedies do: projectile vomiting, crudeness, general ridiculousness.) (don't get me wrong, i love "bridesmaids".) this is why when my husband tells me leslie knope is literally not funny at all but andy is hilarious, i am not just punching but obliterating so many baby dolphins in my head.
it may not seem super fair to pin it just on these guys, but they are the only persistent enforcers that haven't, in my opinion, shown other/actual artistic merit. jason schwartzman gets a pass because he is tied to the fabulous wes anderson. jason segel gets a pass, maybe almost just because of "the 5 year engagement" (biased). will ferrel is also in many of these movies, but he is too old to really be a mook, and he isn't quite in the club. steve carrell also has one foot in the club (hello michael scott?), but he is also somehow not completely all in. michael cera should also be on this list, but for some reason he just hasn't been as successful, and not quite sexist enough.
these guys are always acting like teenagers, and it’s in their teens that guys are going through puberty and trying to claim their awesome, heteronormative, male privileged place in M A N H O O D. an obvious part of proving you are a man is proving you are not a woman, which makes logical sense but unfortunately is one of this generation of americans' worse offenses in misogyny.
the entire reason i even started thinking about mook comedies was because i think the mook comedians are actually the first ones who started making it okay to call guys 'bitches'. i went on imdb to find out how many times 'bitch' is said in each of these movies, but what i found was shocking. ”bitch” is usually not listed on the content advisory for these movies because there are so many other, better, more colorful words to count in these movies, and bitch is considered a “minor” and pervasive swear word. (most notably listed is usually the word c---, as in “Get Him to the Greek” when russell brand says to his dad, 'you old c---!') we should probably add "pussy" to this list, because that has become the other favorite way of putting your guy friend down when he's being anything culturally feminine: weak, emotional, timid, or any other emotion or action that fails to prove his manhood in these hilarious, vital, turbulent (sarcasm) times of adolescence.
the mook comedies keep intensifying. take for instance "the wolf of wall street". there’s a reason leo didn’t win an oscar for this movie and that’s because, hm, it’s a glorified mook comedy, even if it is trying to satirize the mook comedy and white male privilege in general. and unfortunately, the oscar voters are 76% men and, on average, over the age of 63. so they’re not as into adolescent mook comedy OR getting called out on male privilege as they are eminent people and history or legend (of the right, conservative, traditional, american, male variety).
unfortunately (or fortunately), this not-so-new but constant use of the word "bitch" by the mooks is coinciding with a move in feminism to take back the word "bitch" and in general to reject misogyny in the media, which is resulting in a convoluted, modern, pretty much non-gendered but still inherently sexist use of the word "bitch".
not all mook movies have an overwhelming, constant background and story arc of misogyny. take for instance the "jackass" movies. but mook comedy is responsible for telling guys of this generation that it's ok--actually, it's hilarious and cool!!--to be a mook and, frankly, a bitch. interesting that women can only call men bitches once men have started calling men bitches.
thanks, mook comedy, for the new use of the already poor word "pussy", for the invention of the friend zone ("if jonah hill and other fat comedians can get with smoking hot women, why can't i??"), and for, really, absolutely nothing but chaos and pain.
back to work after vacation
when EVERY PERSON, even people i don't ever talk to, makes a point of asking me how my vacation went like it was super special when people take vacation all the time
when someone keeps asking me to go into more and more and more detail about what i did on my anniversary trip
when people have already gone over my head three times today because they just didn't like the (correct) answers/instructions i gave them
all the time waiting--DYING--for good news about a job i interviewed for
when someone keeps asking me to go into more and more and more detail about what i did on my anniversary trip
when people have already gone over my head three times today because they just didn't like the (correct) answers/instructions i gave them
all the time waiting--DYING--for good news about a job i interviewed for
i found out after the fact that after i interviewed the job i have now, it was between me and someone else. my (soon to be) employees met everyone who interviewed and i guess a lot of older women they just hated applied. anyway, it was between me and someone else and they asked the employees who they should hire to break the tie. they all voted for me. that's why they hired me. like, this is the irony of life. man i was so great when i waltzed in there. so in shape, so well dressed, so on the up and up. they probably thought they were going to have some awesome peer to sit next to them and join their club and keep the party alive. little did they know i was going to become, in their eyes, the bitch. dreadful. the devil. worse than the devil. a feminist. a democrat. someone who "let herself go" and gained a bunch of weight. someone who expected then to come to work on time--or just come to work at all--for eff's sake. like, what a seething bitch i was.
sometimes i think of this and just laugh to myself for an hour. the ONLY reason i got this job was because of those four 20-somethings that would come to loathe me. wow, those were the worst of times. thank heaven for job interviews and the will to move on and for not feeling loyal to this place anymore.
sometimes i think of this and just laugh to myself for an hour. the ONLY reason i got this job was because of those four 20-somethings that would come to loathe me. wow, those were the worst of times. thank heaven for job interviews and the will to move on and for not feeling loyal to this place anymore.
notes to people in my life
-dear co-workers: if you are asking me to fix your time punches literally every single day, maybe you need to reevaluate your life.
-dear ymf: a couple of days ago, i posted a private, important, really significant thought from my life that i was hoping to get some good conversation and healing about. maybe i will repost it sometime here on my blog. it was kind of deep and pretty personal, but people are always posting things like that so i didn't think anything of it. for a long time no one said anything about it or made note of it. which is totally fine. i know reading my writing is sometime like walking through sludge and mud, and i can especially be overbearing and i kind of just throw things out there. but then hannah wheelright posted about not giving a guy her number and it got 100 likes in an hour. i love hannah and i think i groupie her as much as anyone, but in that moment i just realized that i was more of a stranger in ymf than i thought i was, and that i don't really fit in there anymore. ymf is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i learned so much and most of all gained a self confidence and saw that i could give myself permission to take space, to have an opinion, to have emotions, to not apologize, to learn about others, to take my own security. but i've been feeling on the way out for a while and in the end, ymf is really a game for a very specific person. i don't know why i'm writing this all out except that it was such a clear, knowing moment and i think it marks a really important transition for me. i don't really know where i'm going. i think i'm going back to church, but i am a stranger there, too. as one of my good friends told me yesterday, "i don't really know where i fit anymore."
-dear boss: in one of the trainings you make sure to send all of your employees to (because you liked it so much yourself), one of the final things we talk about is how relationships are like bank accounts. you make deposits and withdrawals. this is tricky, because what a deposit and what a withdrawal means is different for every single person, and a big deposit for one person could be a big withdrawal for another person. well, recently you have made some huge withdrawals. like, i don't even know how we could have even had that much saved up. overriding my policies, doing my work in front of me so i will know how much you disapprove of my job performance (HEAVEN forbid you be direct with me and cut your passive aggressive bullshitting ways), not only ignoring but not asking for my (long-thought out, MUCH labored and cried and stressed over, professional) opinions because you made up your mind even before talking to me, passive aggressively accusing me of being THE reason for the WORST student employee's bad behavior ("don't you think?"), and being a straight up bitchy authoritarian ignorant sexist human being to me and expecting me to smile at you and say ok. passive aggressiveness is not righteousness. you are not helping everyone out here by being the type of boss you are very careful to be. when i first realized you steamrolled and ignored and authoritarian-bossed me like people wouldn't believe, i thankfully also quickly realized you do it to everyone. other people you mercilessly and thoughtlessly steamroll around here are willing to forget and move on and return your fake cheery smiles and greetings and help you keep your world in the perfect balance that i am embarrassed for you that you care so much about. but my relationship with you is essentially my entire job. and that relationship--along with my motivation for this job, my patience, and my longsuffering--are bankrupt. when i find a new job--whether that's in two weeks or three months or a year--i know you will ask why i'm leaving. and i don't know what i'll say to you, because this is the only truthful thing i can think of.
-dear mom: you are coming to see me on saturday to spend one on one time together, for the first time in probably six or more years. you're worried about me, as is dad. for about a year i have felt your desperate, worried, but always boundary-respectful desire to be let into my life, and i want to let you in. but i can't. because i am not the person you raised. i don't know if i want to stay in the church. i don't like church. i don't like the temple. right now, i don't want kids. nothing seems further away. dh and i are all-over-the-place, crude, boisterous, spendy, lounging, kind of messed up, overly-devoted lovers and that is the relationship i need right now. not only has he grown to understand and accept my feminism and my struggling and my depression, but he embraces it and is always the soft hand there to catch me. which doesn't mean you couldn't/don't understand those things, but what i don't need right now is a church lesson or the lecture on not being a victim or for you to tell me how proud you are of me because nothing makes me feel worse about myself than that. because you don't know where i'm really at right now and you wouldn't approve. i miss and need you, but is there even a way i could ever tell you why i'm stressed to shreds lately--enough that you can tell in an instant of seeing me--without telling you everything, and that i am consumed with worry, fear, disillusionment and being misplaced? deep down, i know you would understand and instantly accept--if not ache--for me. but i also know you will feel compelled to treat me in a certain way, knowing you will have to account to god as a mother for what you say to me. so can't we just skip the obligation we both feel and buy shoes and eat and just let being alone together heal us both a little?
-dear ymf: a couple of days ago, i posted a private, important, really significant thought from my life that i was hoping to get some good conversation and healing about. maybe i will repost it sometime here on my blog. it was kind of deep and pretty personal, but people are always posting things like that so i didn't think anything of it. for a long time no one said anything about it or made note of it. which is totally fine. i know reading my writing is sometime like walking through sludge and mud, and i can especially be overbearing and i kind of just throw things out there. but then hannah wheelright posted about not giving a guy her number and it got 100 likes in an hour. i love hannah and i think i groupie her as much as anyone, but in that moment i just realized that i was more of a stranger in ymf than i thought i was, and that i don't really fit in there anymore. ymf is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i learned so much and most of all gained a self confidence and saw that i could give myself permission to take space, to have an opinion, to have emotions, to not apologize, to learn about others, to take my own security. but i've been feeling on the way out for a while and in the end, ymf is really a game for a very specific person. i don't know why i'm writing this all out except that it was such a clear, knowing moment and i think it marks a really important transition for me. i don't really know where i'm going. i think i'm going back to church, but i am a stranger there, too. as one of my good friends told me yesterday, "i don't really know where i fit anymore."
-dear boss: in one of the trainings you make sure to send all of your employees to (because you liked it so much yourself), one of the final things we talk about is how relationships are like bank accounts. you make deposits and withdrawals. this is tricky, because what a deposit and what a withdrawal means is different for every single person, and a big deposit for one person could be a big withdrawal for another person. well, recently you have made some huge withdrawals. like, i don't even know how we could have even had that much saved up. overriding my policies, doing my work in front of me so i will know how much you disapprove of my job performance (HEAVEN forbid you be direct with me and cut your passive aggressive bullshitting ways), not only ignoring but not asking for my (long-thought out, MUCH labored and cried and stressed over, professional) opinions because you made up your mind even before talking to me, passive aggressively accusing me of being THE reason for the WORST student employee's bad behavior ("don't you think?"), and being a straight up bitchy authoritarian ignorant sexist human being to me and expecting me to smile at you and say ok. passive aggressiveness is not righteousness. you are not helping everyone out here by being the type of boss you are very careful to be. when i first realized you steamrolled and ignored and authoritarian-bossed me like people wouldn't believe, i thankfully also quickly realized you do it to everyone. other people you mercilessly and thoughtlessly steamroll around here are willing to forget and move on and return your fake cheery smiles and greetings and help you keep your world in the perfect balance that i am embarrassed for you that you care so much about. but my relationship with you is essentially my entire job. and that relationship--along with my motivation for this job, my patience, and my longsuffering--are bankrupt. when i find a new job--whether that's in two weeks or three months or a year--i know you will ask why i'm leaving. and i don't know what i'll say to you, because this is the only truthful thing i can think of.
-dear mom: you are coming to see me on saturday to spend one on one time together, for the first time in probably six or more years. you're worried about me, as is dad. for about a year i have felt your desperate, worried, but always boundary-respectful desire to be let into my life, and i want to let you in. but i can't. because i am not the person you raised. i don't know if i want to stay in the church. i don't like church. i don't like the temple. right now, i don't want kids. nothing seems further away. dh and i are all-over-the-place, crude, boisterous, spendy, lounging, kind of messed up, overly-devoted lovers and that is the relationship i need right now. not only has he grown to understand and accept my feminism and my struggling and my depression, but he embraces it and is always the soft hand there to catch me. which doesn't mean you couldn't/don't understand those things, but what i don't need right now is a church lesson or the lecture on not being a victim or for you to tell me how proud you are of me because nothing makes me feel worse about myself than that. because you don't know where i'm really at right now and you wouldn't approve. i miss and need you, but is there even a way i could ever tell you why i'm stressed to shreds lately--enough that you can tell in an instant of seeing me--without telling you everything, and that i am consumed with worry, fear, disillusionment and being misplaced? deep down, i know you would understand and instantly accept--if not ache--for me. but i also know you will feel compelled to treat me in a certain way, knowing you will have to account to god as a mother for what you say to me. so can't we just skip the obligation we both feel and buy shoes and eat and just let being alone together heal us both a little?
update on life
i have been wearing this huge black skirt everywhere and it is marvelous. skirt and t shirt and a comfy pair of men's garment bottoms. (and, like, a bra.) seriously, why don't they make garment bottoms like that for women?
two of my three employees are men. i talked about this for so long and then never said anything when i finally hired a guy. the world didn't crash down, and i think everyone in my office realized it was going to be OKAY. the first of the two guys got a few sexist comments, but nothing unforgivable and i wasn't really taking any of it.
being pretty and the idea of being skinnier keeps popping up in my life, and all i can think is, "there is no way to explain how much i do not care about being pretty or skinny." i think i'm still as vain as i ever was, but it's because i feel beautiful just the way i am--BELIEVE IT OR NOT! like, perfectly beautiful. but the desire to be healthy is getting stronger and i've been eating at home a lot more this week, and we've been to the rec center a couple of times. it's the smallest steps.
i've been really stressed about creativity lately. i don't know why, but ever since i graduated, i feel like i have been grossly ignoring all of the paintings i should be making. i don't even know why. i haven't even ever painted that much before. i think i'm finally realizing that creativity doesn't have to hang over me, i can create whatever i want--i can create what it is that i want to see. dh and i have both been so stressed out and threadbare, and--why? i mean, life is crappy and there's a lot of crappy things going on, but we come home from work and sit on the couch and look at each other and then it's 11:00p and that's it. why aren't we doing something awesome! why am i not creating that space and that life for myself? why can't i get off the facebook and random people's blogs and get my house clean and create an experimental time where i can just recharge and reevaluate? related: what do people DO in the suburbs? as a student i could just walk to campus and be enchanted, but somehow i don't even have the energy to do that anymore.
and if i ever do start painting or collaging or something again, my aunt has offered to sell my art and WHY AM I NOT DOING THAT?
i recently did this training that really helped me. it was a stephen covey 7 habits training and a lot of it was kind of boring but there was this one glorious day where we talked about what our big goals in life are and how to figure them out if we don't know. we did the following:
1. make a list of the key roles in your life. they can be anything. next to each role, write the name of someone with whom you have a relationship essential to that role. in a third column, write what you would like them to say about you at the end of your life. what can you do today, this week, this year, etc. so that they are saying that in the end?
2. fill the following blanks in with your immediate reactions:
i am at my best when...
i am at my worst when...
what I love to do is...
what I want in my personal life is...
my natural talents are...
if i had unlimited time and money, i would...
some of my life goals are...
the person i would like to be is...
i would like my future contributions to others to be...
what i should really do now is...
3. make a list of five people you admire or that have influenced you the most. why do you look up to them? what characteristics do they have that you would like to emulate?
4. with these three activities in mind, do a free write.
5. with all of this in mind, write a personal mission statement.
i was so edified by this that i was on a high for about two weeks. (now i am on the accompanying low, but i got so much done!) it probably just hit me at the right time and in the right place, but it was a revelation. i realized what i really want to do and what kinds of roles i really want to fill.
i slapped my personal mission statement on my resume and--feeling the clarity of grief from kate kelly's excommunication and a couple of really, truly, professionally horrible days with my boss--my job search redoubled and i was on my way to changing my life.
i've also been filling in my linkedin profile like my life depends on it. i don't know who even looks at that shit. but it has been amazingly cathartic, and it's helping me realize my direction and achievements and where my best value lies. and i feel justified doing it at work. and it's not like i have anything to do here anyway.
two of my three employees are men. i talked about this for so long and then never said anything when i finally hired a guy. the world didn't crash down, and i think everyone in my office realized it was going to be OKAY. the first of the two guys got a few sexist comments, but nothing unforgivable and i wasn't really taking any of it.
being pretty and the idea of being skinnier keeps popping up in my life, and all i can think is, "there is no way to explain how much i do not care about being pretty or skinny." i think i'm still as vain as i ever was, but it's because i feel beautiful just the way i am--BELIEVE IT OR NOT! like, perfectly beautiful. but the desire to be healthy is getting stronger and i've been eating at home a lot more this week, and we've been to the rec center a couple of times. it's the smallest steps.
i've been really stressed about creativity lately. i don't know why, but ever since i graduated, i feel like i have been grossly ignoring all of the paintings i should be making. i don't even know why. i haven't even ever painted that much before. i think i'm finally realizing that creativity doesn't have to hang over me, i can create whatever i want--i can create what it is that i want to see. dh and i have both been so stressed out and threadbare, and--why? i mean, life is crappy and there's a lot of crappy things going on, but we come home from work and sit on the couch and look at each other and then it's 11:00p and that's it. why aren't we doing something awesome! why am i not creating that space and that life for myself? why can't i get off the facebook and random people's blogs and get my house clean and create an experimental time where i can just recharge and reevaluate? related: what do people DO in the suburbs? as a student i could just walk to campus and be enchanted, but somehow i don't even have the energy to do that anymore.
and if i ever do start painting or collaging or something again, my aunt has offered to sell my art and WHY AM I NOT DOING THAT?
i recently did this training that really helped me. it was a stephen covey 7 habits training and a lot of it was kind of boring but there was this one glorious day where we talked about what our big goals in life are and how to figure them out if we don't know. we did the following:
1. make a list of the key roles in your life. they can be anything. next to each role, write the name of someone with whom you have a relationship essential to that role. in a third column, write what you would like them to say about you at the end of your life. what can you do today, this week, this year, etc. so that they are saying that in the end?
2. fill the following blanks in with your immediate reactions:
i am at my best when...
i am at my worst when...
what I love to do is...
what I want in my personal life is...
my natural talents are...
if i had unlimited time and money, i would...
some of my life goals are...
the person i would like to be is...
i would like my future contributions to others to be...
what i should really do now is...
3. make a list of five people you admire or that have influenced you the most. why do you look up to them? what characteristics do they have that you would like to emulate?
4. with these three activities in mind, do a free write.
5. with all of this in mind, write a personal mission statement.
i was so edified by this that i was on a high for about two weeks. (now i am on the accompanying low, but i got so much done!) it probably just hit me at the right time and in the right place, but it was a revelation. i realized what i really want to do and what kinds of roles i really want to fill.
i slapped my personal mission statement on my resume and--feeling the clarity of grief from kate kelly's excommunication and a couple of really, truly, professionally horrible days with my boss--my job search redoubled and i was on my way to changing my life.
i've also been filling in my linkedin profile like my life depends on it. i don't know who even looks at that shit. but it has been amazingly cathartic, and it's helping me realize my direction and achievements and where my best value lies. and i feel justified doing it at work. and it's not like i have anything to do here anyway.
today we went to church. after the sacrament had been passed, i ran to the bathroom. i started feeling sick to my stomach. i came home, felt like death for an hour, lost my breakfast. and since there's a stomach bug going around my office, i figured that's what it was. except for the inexplicable, uncontrollable crying for the entire short drive home, feeling like i couldn't breathe, and that when i took a nap as soon as i felt well enough to move, i have felt fine all day. i know anxiety can cause nausea, but what exactly does that look like? i don't think i felt THAT anxious. but as we pulled up to the church for the first meeting, it really hit me: i am a total stranger there, and the church has become a stranger to me.
last week the bishopric asked us to meet with one of them even though we had family in town and staying with us. we've tried to be very up front with them about how our summer was looking--two broken families, some depression going on, a lot of traveling going on. we told them we would be gone a lot for family business. but they still gave us a sunday calling and acted annoyed when we couldn't start the same day they asked us--again, when we had family with us and had planned to go out of town. there has been one specific counselor pretty much assigned to us and he told sam he knew how he was feeling because his grandma recently died and she gave him violin lessons so they were close. (no.) he also insisted they have an interview on father's day for something trivial.
as we were sitting there talking to him last time i realized something: after kate kelly, i feel a complete, general mistrust of church leadership. the spirit and desire i had been building up to go to the temple, to go back to church, is gone. more than gone. i feel like a number, a nuisance, a name on a paper that some guy has to account for in his meetings, and that's it. despite our openness with our bishopric, i have always felt like they were weirded out or unsure of what to say to us, even in our own home, not because of sensitivity to the subject but because they don't want to be a part of it. i have never felt like they actually cared, and the bishop has never introduced himself to us or reached out to us in any way, even with our unique circumstances and obvious struggling. i have felt their weariness in having to approach us yet again because they yet again got an assignment to check on us. i know and can tell they talk about us behind closed doors, but if it was in concern or faith, it has never shown. i despise them for it, and i would NEVER approach them in trust and confidence to seek help with my faith. i feel like my only choice is to put on a happy face and do everything perfect for them until i can fly under the radar again.
if that's part of what made me sick today, i am in a lot of trouble.
last week the bishopric asked us to meet with one of them even though we had family in town and staying with us. we've tried to be very up front with them about how our summer was looking--two broken families, some depression going on, a lot of traveling going on. we told them we would be gone a lot for family business. but they still gave us a sunday calling and acted annoyed when we couldn't start the same day they asked us--again, when we had family with us and had planned to go out of town. there has been one specific counselor pretty much assigned to us and he told sam he knew how he was feeling because his grandma recently died and she gave him violin lessons so they were close. (no.) he also insisted they have an interview on father's day for something trivial.
as we were sitting there talking to him last time i realized something: after kate kelly, i feel a complete, general mistrust of church leadership. the spirit and desire i had been building up to go to the temple, to go back to church, is gone. more than gone. i feel like a number, a nuisance, a name on a paper that some guy has to account for in his meetings, and that's it. despite our openness with our bishopric, i have always felt like they were weirded out or unsure of what to say to us, even in our own home, not because of sensitivity to the subject but because they don't want to be a part of it. i have never felt like they actually cared, and the bishop has never introduced himself to us or reached out to us in any way, even with our unique circumstances and obvious struggling. i have felt their weariness in having to approach us yet again because they yet again got an assignment to check on us. i know and can tell they talk about us behind closed doors, but if it was in concern or faith, it has never shown. i despise them for it, and i would NEVER approach them in trust and confidence to seek help with my faith. i feel like my only choice is to put on a happy face and do everything perfect for them until i can fly under the radar again.
if that's part of what made me sick today, i am in a lot of trouble.
"can you tell us about your experience with written and verbal communication?"
uh.......... i can talk? and write? english major? i talk to people all day at my job? wtf who asks a job interview question like this
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