"can gay people hold the priesthood?" (me from the back seat: "absolutely they can.") "can they go through the temple? i guess i heard that once."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
father's blessing
i just got back from a few-days' stay at my parent's house, and right before i left this morning my dad asked me if i would like a father's blessing.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
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