it's high time for an update. it might not be all that interesting... but wow a lot has happened.
i can't remember if i wrote about this, but the lovely director who was always so nice to me retired at the beginning of october. the selection for his replacement was very hush hush, i'm assuming because this department is so freaking jacked up. the director who retired told me privately that he was personally recommending that le douche not get the job.... which probably saved all of us from murdering him. so that was good. but not even the guy who retired knew who was replacing him until they held a big meeting to announce it. turned out to be this guy who worked in the prison system in california for like twenty years who thinks he's french. (his ancestors were i guess? and his son is on a mission in france now so the french level is currently 'unbearable'.) he is really, really getting off on how churchy byu is. he loves it. he goes on these long lectures about being righteous and how great it is to be in utah and be close to the church and shit. he made our new department goal to have everyone go to devotional (that's a story for another day). he goes on random tirades about the honor code. so, that's fun. and even though i don't like his personality he seems to get stuff done. word on the street is that he was assigned to our department to more or less clean this shit up.
well, the french director is convinced he needs a personal assistant so since october my job has changed a lot. A LOT has happened. i won't bore you with the details. it's not good. imo, no one needs a personal assistant unless they are too busy to handle things themselves, which he is not. so it's awkward. and my job is in constant flux. a lot has changed but nothing has. i report right to the director now which makes him my third boss here since summer. le douche is hostile more than ever because basically i am not under his control anymore. we have skirmishes regularly, including one where he stood and shook his finger at me and yelled.
the frenchman apparently got an earful from the old director about my fued with le douche and thinks he knows everything about it now (continuing the long line of no one here asking for my side of the story....). but he seems genuinely concerned that i am happy. after a big upset we had a meeting earlier this week one on one to decide what to do with my job (again......... it has been a long two months). at the end he said, "the day you start dreading coming to work, i want to know about it. any time you're upset i want to know about it." which is nice, and i believe he means it. so i was like, "it's been that way for a while now. i'm just here to do my job." what i wanted to say was, 90 lbs, two years of situational depression, and one PVC later, are you kidding me?? he didn't say much except a little later he did say that he would help me leave if i wanted so i have been openly applying for jobs, including part time work now. again, no improvements.. applying for part time work pretty much just means i've started getting rejected for part time work too. ultimately, the frenchman's managerial magic is working on me and i finally feel listened to and have stopped fantasizing about keying le douche's car and doing something bad with the fact that i know his home address.
the bad thing about all of this (besides that it absolutely sucks and everything continues to get worse and never hits rock bottom like i always think it has) is that this has all taken place perfectly in my timeframe to restudy for the lsat. yep, i take it again in two days, this saturday. i took the lsat for the first time the day after the old director retired. so it has been sucking away my energy and motivation and will to do anything and the studying has not been great. but my applications are in and i'll just see what happens. worst case scenario i don't get in and i apply again next year, in which case i would have ass loads of time to study. so i am actually feeling calm about it. i am learning to take things in strides and have plan b and c and d and e and f and g and h and i and j and k and l and m.
basically, here are my plans (after coming up with them i am sleeping again at night):
1 - get into byu and go there because cheap.
2 - get into utah and go there because that would be kick ass.
3 - don't get into either school, apply again next year and continue to look for a job
4 - if i decide not to apply again or decide not to go (plan for every outcome), get more education in library sciences or human resources
mostly the $$$$ is stressing me out. i won't even tell you how much i've spent on applying. it's in the thousands. but.. we are financially stable, and i just tell myself that even though i did spend all of that, at the end of the day nothing has been lost, and i can keep working here and making those bucks if all else fails while i figure something else out. it has been a time of hot, hot, hot, hot turmoil at work but there is still that little flame inside me that says maybe it will be okay. not that i would in any case ever stay here permanently, but why not continue being fiesty and saying what i think as is the MO these days and let the joke be on them as i laugh my way to the bank? (ok.. that's not as fun with direct deposit). i am really looking forward to saturday and the second lsat being over so i can blow off some steam and go home after work and let loose. i am handling all the separate things in my life ok but all together... damn. like, i just want to play xbox. so i am looking forward to that.
besides constantly being torn down at work, i am overall feeling strong. i'm ready to get the projects going and have been brainstorming things that could make me happy. some are:
-zero waste office for 30 days. how would i do this, would i have to buy handkerchiefs?? is there a way to get people's messages to them without paper notes?
-reading articles through lib.byu.edu and writing little blurbs on them, then putting them in a google docs folder. i have been reading some steinem and titling them with perfect MLA bibliography references and ahhhhhhhhh..... it is so nice and relaxing. and i could quote one at any time and have the reference ready to go!
-writing postcards and letters to people.
-okay.. i know this may sound crazy but i really want to give all my books to the library. i am having a hard time with this because my bookshelves are currently a very large part of our living room decor. so maybe i will end up doing it when we move. but i love the idea of donating a bunch of books with "from the library of.." stamped in them. my plan then for books i wanted to read would be: 1 - check it out from the library. 2 - if the library doesn't have it, buy it, read it, then donate it. the whole idea just gives me the feels.
-make friends. is this weird? i am weird. it would be weird. but i am starting to miss people again now that i am healing up from the last few years. i have this image in my head of dh and i stable and happy in california going out at night with our friends after long good days of working in our happy careers--that could happen right? i know married couples are friends with other married couples all the time here in ye ole provo but isn't it weird? isn't there just always like a swingers vibe that won't go away? i know it can't be that complicated but i do not understand how this works.
speaking of, the long term plan is shaping up kind of nicely. we think the timeline will go something like this:
this next year - still what we're currently doing
year 2 to 5 - i go to law school and dh graduates and teaches for a few years
years 5 to 7 or 8 - i begin my career while dh does his masters
when dh finishes, who knows?? i am feeling this kind of overwhelming peace about it. like, we have our whole lives to do what we want and it is ok for it to take time to get there. it's okay for us to take 8 years because that is what life is, and it will be so worth it, and we can both pursue our educational and career goals like we want. it's giving me more patience with my job, with my applications, with my day to day life. i guess this is what growing up feels like. perspective.
in other news, church is a nightmare. don't even ask. i have to get an ecclesiastical endorsement from the bishop before my byu law application is actually done and that should be... rough.
i have been in a mad rush to get all my health needs squared away in preparation to leave my job and our double coverage with great benefits. got my wisdom teeth out, now have an occlusal guard because i grind my teeth so bad, and i also got a surprise granuloma annulare out of the whole thing! don't google that. it's near my armpit. basically it's a benign completely inexplicable skin rash. so, my skin sucks. but i already knew that. the healing from the stitches from the biopsy is ongoing and way worse than the rash, but at least it was nothing. it was a superficial sample that she took but there was this white.. blob that she didn't know what it is. she was like, "maybe it's weird superficial fat?" def possible. "or maybe it's whatever this is that your body's fighting?" again possible, but not reassuring. so she sewed it in and i call it my alien.
thanksgiving was really great and then really awkward. all the fam was there plus grandparents, who are increasingly getting on my nerves these days. which is awful... and i need to come to jesus. so i will work on that. but they do aggravate my mom when she is already sensitive lately, then throw the in-laws in there and wow, the last few days of vacation were rough. but so it goes. it wasn't as hard as i though it would be without my dad. i still feel like i'm just waiting for a ton of bricks to hit me. i was telling dh that i feel like i need to set aside a day or some nights when i just sit and think about my dad--just purposefully think of all the things and feel everything. we did christmas gifts with the fam at thanksgiving and my mom gave us all a present from my dad--each of us got our own framed picture with him. she said about a week before he stopped talking she asked if there was anything he wanted the kids to get for christmas, and that was his wish. his mental state was already somewhat diminished and that childlike worry was strong and she said he kept asking, "will they remember me?" i wish he only knew.
in other other news, i have become obsessed with the weeknd, and my vinyl collection continues to grow. someday i will buy a 'songs about jane' pressing ($300). someday i will do it and it will crown my collection.
and finally... bev and i talked on the phone like four times today and it made me really happy.
more than anything, i am on the up and up.