cw: suicide

i was having a new girl marathon by myself when my parents called to tell me my uncle, who was still young, with his youngest daughter being only a few months old, had passed away. i sobbed. i cried. i felt true grief. they told me he passed away in a car crash that afternoon while his family was out of town.

fast forward an hour or so and my parents called back. he hadn't died in a car crash, they said, he had actually taken his own life. they had decided since they first told me that the older kids were mature enough to be told the truth. (please note that i was 22--not like i was 9 or something). he had taken his life while his wife was out of state with the kids. he had had a big presentation coming up for work, and the social anxiety had gotten to him.

after i found out what had actually happened i didn't cry a tear until the funeral. i was dazed, stricken. i remember just lying in my bed and staring at the wall.

fast forward another few weeks until after the funeral (and after my wedding). turns out, my uncle had sent a text to his wife, my aunt, right before he took his life. in it, he explained to her that he had felt for a while that the church was not true, explaining some details in particular. he expressed his deep sadness and helplessness, but said he couldn't go on feeling how he felt. (this was the first time anyone had heard that he was unhappy, since he had always been very active. all of our very large family is extremely active and "happy" in the gospel, at least as far as i know, beyond myself.)

i wonder and hurt for his children; how long will they go without knowing the truth, both about how their father died and how he felt about the church? it's not my decision of what and when to tell them anything, of course, and i can respect their mom's decision, but in such turbulent times in the church it is overwhelmingly dark to cover up the true reason why their dad left us. even if my family believes he was depressed or anxious or something, being depressed or anxious doesn't convince you the church isn't true. probably no one will talk about how overwhelmed he must have felt. that he might have felt so much pressure from the church/his family that the only way he saw out was the saddest one. maybe his kids are too young and their testimonies too young to know this, but what if no one ever tells them and they find out on accident one day? how is that going to protect them?

i don't know why i'm thinking about this this morning.