people treat secretaries like crap, period. especially when you are a 24 year old woman and they are an older man or woman. when people from the university come in, if i don't give them exactly what they want the first time (which is a problem when they usually don't know what they're talking about, or i have to ask questions to clarify what they mean), they will literally interrupt or turn away from me while i'm talking and ask for one of the men managers. they think i don't know what i'm talking about.
after telling a gentleman on monday that we don't do receiving in the reception area and directing him to the warehouse, he said "no i'll just leave this right here and you can tell him it's here." excuse me?
this morning a lady said "kurt asked me to pick up a table from the northwest corner of the building." ok, who is kurt? is it public surplus? there isn't anything in that corner of the building, do you know anything else ab-- "is the boss here? i'll just ask him." excuse me?
that is all.
feb 3
this is the day we are moving in to our new apartment. i am beyond excited. and i think i'm going to go back to church. for real, guyz. all three hours, every sunday.
wish me luck.
wish me luck.
dad
tonight i barely missed a call from home. i called back and my dad answered. he sounded tired. he told me he just wanted to call and see how i was. almost as soon as he had said this, he started his usual goodbye spiel, "well, i just wanted to see how you were, that's the only reason i really called." i hadn't talked to him about anything yet, so i was confused. my connection was bad so we both kept cutting out. "hello? hello?" it might have just been my imagination, but his voice sounded helpless and a little panicked. i told him i'd send him an email soon so we could talk more.
my mom texted me later to tell me that when he hung up the phone, he started to cry.
a few mornings ago, sam told me i had been crying out for my dad in my sleep.
i feel like he will be doing fine until one day, he will just be gone. my mom shared with a few of us that one night last week he couldn't get to sleep--he kept waking up, terrified, just this intense fear of going to sleep all through his body. "don't leave me tonight," she told him as she held him and he finally fell asleep.
i have been doing fine, and he has been doing fine. but that deep, cold pain and fear are starting to come back.
my mom texted me later to tell me that when he hung up the phone, he started to cry.
a few mornings ago, sam told me i had been crying out for my dad in my sleep.
i feel like he will be doing fine until one day, he will just be gone. my mom shared with a few of us that one night last week he couldn't get to sleep--he kept waking up, terrified, just this intense fear of going to sleep all through his body. "don't leave me tonight," she told him as she held him and he finally fell asleep.
i have been doing fine, and he has been doing fine. but that deep, cold pain and fear are starting to come back.
high blood pressure
i have this issue where i get really upset about things at work and then sometimes can't calm down about it for hours (or days, depending on the thing).
boss is always telling me to go ahead and take care of things and that i don't need to check with him. (isn't that my job anyway? to take care of things so he has more time? and shouldn't anything i can resolve under no circumstance need to go through him, especially when they don't involve him at all?) then a tiny thing will happen that catches him off guard (an email conversation that happened while he was on vacation, in this case), and i get ten minute phone calls lecturing me on how to do things (always exactly what i have already done). today the lecture ended with him asking me not to embarrass him anymore. his exact words were, 'does this make sense what i'm saying? it will save us embarrassment, do you see that?"
sorry you're not caught up but everyone else knows what's going on and i already did everything you just asked me to do.
this is why i frequent ksl.com/jobs.
boss is always telling me to go ahead and take care of things and that i don't need to check with him. (isn't that my job anyway? to take care of things so he has more time? and shouldn't anything i can resolve under no circumstance need to go through him, especially when they don't involve him at all?) then a tiny thing will happen that catches him off guard (an email conversation that happened while he was on vacation, in this case), and i get ten minute phone calls lecturing me on how to do things (always exactly what i have already done). today the lecture ended with him asking me not to embarrass him anymore. his exact words were, 'does this make sense what i'm saying? it will save us embarrassment, do you see that?"
sorry you're not caught up but everyone else knows what's going on and i already did everything you just asked me to do.
this is why i frequent ksl.com/jobs.
pollution
utah: "all this polution sucks! don't worry everyone, once we get a storm, or some kind of precipitation, all of our pollution will be swept away to somewhere else! then for a little while it won't be so bad."
me: seriously, what the freak. how about reducing pollution or finding alternative energy sources instead of just pumping out disgusting shiz and waiting for a snow storm. where is the accountability?
me: seriously, what the freak. how about reducing pollution or finding alternative energy sources instead of just pumping out disgusting shiz and waiting for a snow storm. where is the accountability?
also
every virgin lds bride needs an anonymously gifted vibrator for her wedding. i am sick of hearing lds women defending the idea that, by nature, men want/need sex more than women do, and that they enjoy it much more. every human has a different sex drive, but the degree to which female sexuality isn't even acknowledged is terrifying.
girly girls
i'm in the office alone this morning and have been thinking about medicaid, even though she is not here. (by the way, great news! all of the terrible employees that were here when i started/have made my life a waking night terror have officially left! i got all new employees for christmas, and it was perfectly underwhelming and quiet around here.)
when i met her she was quirky, definitely a tom boy, would wear shorts and an athletic shirt to work, and her hair would be wet because she'd just gone to the gym. she would just talk non-stop about basketball and the fun things she did with her family. we connected over weddings and mother in laws and i actually always enjoyed talking to her.
then she fell in love with her future doctor bigot husband and they got married right away. now, a year later, she is a completely different person. she wears maxi skirts and gets eyelash extensions. she has ombre hair that is always curled and usually has a barrette. she always has three purses/bags for all her stuff and talks nonstop about her husband's grad school, eventual career, his classes, his hardships, how he's always studying, how obama has ruined the medical career, the cute deals she finds on craigslist, puppies, babies, and how they want to go to the carribean with their friends for med school.
it all really started when they lost their premature, unexpected baby to heart complications; she wrote about it on her blog, and it went as viral as something like that will get in utah valley. she became obsessed with blogging--about dressers, about cookies, about smoothies. she told us she had spent hours and days designing her blog. her husband got her a really nice camera on her birthday and she rejoiced that there wouldn't be 'bad' pictures on her blog anymore.
long gone is the girl i connected with semi-well. i didn't know then that she thought gay people were 'gay because they got bored with regular sex and had to do something more exotic to stay satisfied.' i didn't know that she would spout endlessly about the evils of obama, and especially welfare, and then get medicaid a year later. i didn't know yet how much she hated feminists, and hadn't heard her go on and on about how 'they obvoiusly just don't understand the gospel.'
or, she wasn't that person yet. i have often wondered where people who believe as she does come from, and now i have seen it happen in front of my eyes. as much anxiety as she has given me, i worry about the girl i used to know. i wonder if she would have ever been like this if it weren't for the husband she chose and the blog that got big. she is a 100% different person.
women should choose who they are, and really it's no one's business. watching this whole thing go down, though, has been the weirdest, saddest experience.
when i met her she was quirky, definitely a tom boy, would wear shorts and an athletic shirt to work, and her hair would be wet because she'd just gone to the gym. she would just talk non-stop about basketball and the fun things she did with her family. we connected over weddings and mother in laws and i actually always enjoyed talking to her.
then she fell in love with her future doctor bigot husband and they got married right away. now, a year later, she is a completely different person. she wears maxi skirts and gets eyelash extensions. she has ombre hair that is always curled and usually has a barrette. she always has three purses/bags for all her stuff and talks nonstop about her husband's grad school, eventual career, his classes, his hardships, how he's always studying, how obama has ruined the medical career, the cute deals she finds on craigslist, puppies, babies, and how they want to go to the carribean with their friends for med school.
it all really started when they lost their premature, unexpected baby to heart complications; she wrote about it on her blog, and it went as viral as something like that will get in utah valley. she became obsessed with blogging--about dressers, about cookies, about smoothies. she told us she had spent hours and days designing her blog. her husband got her a really nice camera on her birthday and she rejoiced that there wouldn't be 'bad' pictures on her blog anymore.
long gone is the girl i connected with semi-well. i didn't know then that she thought gay people were 'gay because they got bored with regular sex and had to do something more exotic to stay satisfied.' i didn't know that she would spout endlessly about the evils of obama, and especially welfare, and then get medicaid a year later. i didn't know yet how much she hated feminists, and hadn't heard her go on and on about how 'they obvoiusly just don't understand the gospel.'
or, she wasn't that person yet. i have often wondered where people who believe as she does come from, and now i have seen it happen in front of my eyes. as much anxiety as she has given me, i worry about the girl i used to know. i wonder if she would have ever been like this if it weren't for the husband she chose and the blog that got big. she is a 100% different person.
women should choose who they are, and really it's no one's business. watching this whole thing go down, though, has been the weirdest, saddest experience.
clarification on last post
i want to clarify a few things about being a fulfilled person.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
taking less out of life
i have been crushing hard on american hustle since i saw it. i am reading this interview with one of the actors and the director, and they had this conversation:
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
C.K.: Well, when you and I first talked about this, you told me the sort of world of it and who I was playing and how he fit in, and my feeling was that this guy was the only person who was not having these problems that the other characters were having. My guy doesn't have layers. He doesn't have to figure out how much of himself to use or how to call another person out. He just does what he's supposed to do. It's interesting because I was watching the movie while my kids were doing their homework, and when it was over, I said, "I'm so relieved that I don't break laws. I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about the shit that these people in the movie are wrestling with." That's probably why I had a good time playing that guy—I think he felt that way, too. It's like, "You people are nuts. You're not supposed to be doing any of these things that you're doing. None of this is okay. You're supposed to be yourself, be honest, follow the law, and take less out of life."
RUSELL: Take less out of life?
C.K.: Yeah. You're not supposed to become something else so you can get more. You're supposed to stay you and get through as yourself, because at least then you can count on that, and you don't have to ask yourself who you are half the time. So my guy was a lot simpler to play. It was good playing with Bradley because he is so unhinged and laser-like and passionate, and it's really fun to be somebody's roadblock. He's burning in every scene, and I'm simply saying, "No, you can't do this"—it's making him crazy.
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
suits
a man at work with older still-at-home children is currently going through a divorce. someone asked him how he is doing and he hesitantly started commenting, sardonically, on how he's doing.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
open door policy
i just realized that my boss won't close his door when we have meetings because i have a vagina.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
no womenz colorz plz
boss: "we switch colors every time so we can tell it's the updated version of the document. maybe we should do pink next!"
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
body
full hippie transformation is well under way.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
meals and groceries
lady: "what are you guys doing for christmas?"
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
shit my grandparents say
"can gay people hold the priesthood?" (me from the back seat: "absolutely they can.") "can they go through the temple? i guess i heard that once."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
father's blessing
i just got back from a few-days' stay at my parent's house, and right before i left this morning my dad asked me if i would like a father's blessing.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
things said recently in my office
"yeah, you could be macklemore for halloween, that would be hilaaarious. except, macklemore is sooooo gay, you know? so i don't know."
"oh good! my friend's new boyfriend wears his garments. so maybe he can help her get active again."
"but we found out that the actor who plays peeta is like, involved with this thing to help teens discover their sexuality, so [my husband] said 'no, i am definitely not being him for halloween,' but i was like, no, it's the actor that does that, not the character peeta."
"they shouldn't hire professors who have english as a second language. i know medical words are already hard to pronounce, but we had to ask him to write it on the board because no one could understand what he was saying."
"she is literally retarded. she had brain cancer so they literally took out part of her brain. she is so annoying. good for you that you survived cancer, but just no."
get me oooooooout.
"oh good! my friend's new boyfriend wears his garments. so maybe he can help her get active again."
"but we found out that the actor who plays peeta is like, involved with this thing to help teens discover their sexuality, so [my husband] said 'no, i am definitely not being him for halloween,' but i was like, no, it's the actor that does that, not the character peeta."
"they shouldn't hire professors who have english as a second language. i know medical words are already hard to pronounce, but we had to ask him to write it on the board because no one could understand what he was saying."
"she is literally retarded. she had brain cancer so they literally took out part of her brain. she is so annoying. good for you that you survived cancer, but just no."
get me oooooooout.
all the mormon ladiez
when we taught our first sunday school lesson, there were a lot of humbling surprises for me. like how much everyone got where i was coming from. (our lesson was on the martin and willie handcart companies, and our role in 'rescuing' people, including less actives, which obviously is a touchy subject in my mind.) people were so receptive. sitting on the edges of their seats. contributing awesome stories.
but i will tell you who was not on the edge of their seat: the sisters. seeing a bored, even sleepy, even sleeping person in your class is hard for any teacher, but of all the people in the class, the women were the ones who were yawning, leaning all over their husbands, and looking at the floor.
i was very taken aback. of course there were exceptions, especially one awesome sister who has spoken very openly about depression and about 'why don't we talk about certain things in the church? not everyone is ok' (and also the bishop's wife). and on the other side, one guy was definitely not so interested. but still, the image of those women is burned in to my mind. i didn't succeed in making eye contact with them for an entire 45 minutes. in general, i would say mostly men spoke, even though i taught the majority of the lesson (hubby worked that morning and we didn't exactly prepare the night before).
i am really scared. i think the church might be making their women trivial by trivializing them (see here benevolent sexism, women on a pedestal, relief society meeting being all rainbows and flowers). in my adult lds life, i am developing the same frustration i had as a youth: the youth wanted refreshments, to play around, to be entertained, to spend a lot of money on activities. i wanted more lessons and activities about the savior or about service. the relief society sisters want to socialize, make crafts, not make activities too involved, not talk about anything too hard, mainly talk about how great motherhood is and find ways to make motherhood more bearable. i want more activities about testimonies, being christ-like, and following his ways. now, both of these things are okay in moderation, and of course women, like men, need to be uplifted and to bond, but there is serious, spiritual heavy lifting to be done that is just not being done. for one example, women aren't being frankly called to repentance for gossiping in the relief society general session. lds women love to gossip. the gossip of other women has hurt me more in my wards than anything else. no one talks about it, though, because then they'd be speaking 'harsh' things to their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. no one is protecting men's hearts from taking the sting of being called to repentance (although i do wish they would chastise the men less for pornography and wife beating), so why are women being held back because of it?
in my exploration of ordain women, i have thought about what my reaction would be if i suddenly qualified to be ordained, as well as what it would be like. i blatantly reject the notion that men need the priesthood because, essentially, otherwise they would be lazy or sinful (so sexist). but i do think there is something to be said for the more tangible responsibility it gives your worthiness. i think that if i held the priesthood, i would guard my thoughts and actions much more carefully. i think that old idea of 'make sure you are worthy because you could need to give a blessing any second' would make a big impact on me.
i know i should still be christ-like. i know i should still be charitable, a good listener, a generous person--all the things christ was. but knowing your access to god's power is available to you, but only if you're worthy, is just different. it is for me, at least. i wish i had that reason to watch myself. i wish i had an obligation. i wish i had the goal.
but i will tell you who was not on the edge of their seat: the sisters. seeing a bored, even sleepy, even sleeping person in your class is hard for any teacher, but of all the people in the class, the women were the ones who were yawning, leaning all over their husbands, and looking at the floor.
i was very taken aback. of course there were exceptions, especially one awesome sister who has spoken very openly about depression and about 'why don't we talk about certain things in the church? not everyone is ok' (and also the bishop's wife). and on the other side, one guy was definitely not so interested. but still, the image of those women is burned in to my mind. i didn't succeed in making eye contact with them for an entire 45 minutes. in general, i would say mostly men spoke, even though i taught the majority of the lesson (hubby worked that morning and we didn't exactly prepare the night before).
i am really scared. i think the church might be making their women trivial by trivializing them (see here benevolent sexism, women on a pedestal, relief society meeting being all rainbows and flowers). in my adult lds life, i am developing the same frustration i had as a youth: the youth wanted refreshments, to play around, to be entertained, to spend a lot of money on activities. i wanted more lessons and activities about the savior or about service. the relief society sisters want to socialize, make crafts, not make activities too involved, not talk about anything too hard, mainly talk about how great motherhood is and find ways to make motherhood more bearable. i want more activities about testimonies, being christ-like, and following his ways. now, both of these things are okay in moderation, and of course women, like men, need to be uplifted and to bond, but there is serious, spiritual heavy lifting to be done that is just not being done. for one example, women aren't being frankly called to repentance for gossiping in the relief society general session. lds women love to gossip. the gossip of other women has hurt me more in my wards than anything else. no one talks about it, though, because then they'd be speaking 'harsh' things to their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. no one is protecting men's hearts from taking the sting of being called to repentance (although i do wish they would chastise the men less for pornography and wife beating), so why are women being held back because of it?
in my exploration of ordain women, i have thought about what my reaction would be if i suddenly qualified to be ordained, as well as what it would be like. i blatantly reject the notion that men need the priesthood because, essentially, otherwise they would be lazy or sinful (so sexist). but i do think there is something to be said for the more tangible responsibility it gives your worthiness. i think that if i held the priesthood, i would guard my thoughts and actions much more carefully. i think that old idea of 'make sure you are worthy because you could need to give a blessing any second' would make a big impact on me.
i know i should still be christ-like. i know i should still be charitable, a good listener, a generous person--all the things christ was. but knowing your access to god's power is available to you, but only if you're worthy, is just different. it is for me, at least. i wish i had that reason to watch myself. i wish i had an obligation. i wish i had the goal.
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