the day i discovered plus size clothing was one of the best of my life. they make clothes for my people. and while i try to become healthier i don't have to feel like my clothes are judging me.

recently someone asked my dh if he and i were having kids soon. he started running away and shouted, "NEVER!"

and we may or may not have pinky promised the other night that we wouldn't ever have kids. and we weren't drunk. not that we drink, but i just feel like that needs to be said. 

is that bad?

my boss gets an email every time i create a new employee in our system. every time, without fail, that the new employee has an uncommon name (usually international students), he will call me into his office just to ask me:

'is this person a man or a woman?'

i hate this question. so much. why--ever, ever, ever, ever x1000--would he need to know this? i will usually mumble which one it is and politely huff off.

maybe from now on i should say, 'i don't know, does it matter?'

most likely, he will NEVER have any kind of personal interaction with these students, he just sees their names on the screen. but still, he just can't be comfortable until he knows if some arbitrary person under him that he will never meet in person has a vagina or penis so he can make sure to treat them accordingly.

mother's day service

the most gag worthy part of church on mother's day was when a woman from the rs presidency opened by saying, "nice to see all you nurturers today!!"

but the worst part of church on mother's day was when the stake president got up at the end of sacrament meeting and said the following:

"i was surprised to learn not long ago that some sisters actually feel quite uncomfortable or sad on mother's day. rather than having them tell you why that is, i'm going to offer what i think: i think it's a matter of perspective." he then went on to talk about how women are easy to forget they are daughters of god and then tell us all why women (yes, talking in the third person about all us ladies there) are so wonderful. (i don't think he ever addressed the women.)

i hated it so much i wanted to scream. i have no doubt that he, as a church leader, has had some women--or more likely, couples--open up to him about issues, most likely infertility. i am sure he loves the women in his life and feels he respects him. i can also understand that he wouldn't/shouldn't have gone in to any specifics about what people have told him in private. but why does he think he gets to diagnose and tell women what their problem is? especially after he KNOWINGLY denied women a voice, even through him.

it also makes about 0% sense to me that he decided that the problem was that women just forget they're daughters of god. i'm guessing what he meant was that women who struggle with becoming mothers should feel better because they're daughters of god and all blessings are promised in this life or the next blah blah. but he didn't say that, and even if he did, that doesn't make it better. 

seems to me so many lds women struggle on mother's day in church because the church places suffocating focus on becoming and being a perfect mother, so much so that women become depressed and feel they aren't valued for every other thing in their lives. and even if a woman does struggle with infertility and is comforted by knowing 'blessings' will come to her in 'the next life,' that does not ease or erase the fact that she will spend her life in a church that defines womanhood in only one way, champions misnomers as doctrine, and gives her no other guidance or goal besides one she can't obtain. and if she doesn't take comfort in it, it especially doesn't make her silly or shortsighted or just teehee a typical woman.

also, "women" and "mothers" are NOT interchangeable. "mother" is the name for a woman who has children. women with no children are not mothers. the possibility that they will have children in the future does not make them a mother. so if it was actually women's day they were wanting to celebrate, they missed it because it was on march 8th. 

so many things to say about this but it's getting long, so poo on you stake prez, and you can stick your advice up your--.

today i feel nothing. my mom has clinical depression, so i always feel selfish saying i have depression, even if it might be true, because it feels weird to say i suffer in any measure close to what she has, having seen her struggle. it comes in spells and always starts with getting in bed at night and suddenly believing my husband and family rightly hate me, that i am useless and have failed at everything in my life, and that nothing will ever get better. sometimes i wake up and can make it to work and do things just fine. this morning i told everyone at work i thought i had pink eye (to be fair, my eye is f'ed up) and that i was going to stay home in the morning to see how it went. i don't know why i don't just tell my boss (or his boss, who is 1000 times more sympathetic and down to earth) that i have depressive episodes. probably because then someone might say i should actually get checked out and i just don't want to go there. i usually make up some excuse if i can't bear to come in to work, and it happens often enough that my boss has stopped telling me to feel better and started saying, 'okay. thanks for the heads up.' i know he doesn't believe me, and i probably wouldn't believe me either, but he wouldn't understand. someone who hasn't had a close encounter with depression--themselves or a loved one or friend--would never fully have the patient understanding of what it means to have someone say,

'i won't be in today. i just cannot do it. i cannot get out of my bed, but i feel a little ok when i lie here and do nothing.'

'i can't get off the floor.'

'i sat down to go to the bathroom and i seriously just don't know when i'll be able to get up.'

'i can't stop giggling uncontrollably and saying stupid, annoying shit like i'm four, and if i could i would have to feel my depression and i can't deal with it.'

'i'm not coming in because i can't bear it, but don't worry, it's not like i'm skipping and having fun. i can't even watch netflix, because the more i watch the more i hate myself.'

these are all things i could have really said instead of making an excuse to my boss. i have the sick time and i always get my work done, but i still don't feel like i can say i'm having a bad day.

i was zoning out while staring at my computer and so unable to focus on something that i scrolled my mouse a little to make it look like i was reading something instead of just staring straight ahead when i decided to write this, and it's making me feel a little bit better.

also, apparently latinos are either the "most loving people in the world" or else "gang bangers" if "satan gets to them." no in between. #officewisdom

"why change the best healthcare system in the world?"

someone just said this in my office. lady, do you know anything about healthcare?