today i feel nothing. my mom has clinical depression, so i always feel selfish saying i have depression, even if it might be true, because it feels weird to say i suffer in any measure close to what she has, having seen her struggle. it comes in spells and always starts with getting in bed at night and suddenly believing my husband and family rightly hate me, that i am useless and have failed at everything in my life, and that nothing will ever get better. sometimes i wake up and can make it to work and do things just fine. this morning i told everyone at work i thought i had pink eye (to be fair, my eye is f'ed up) and that i was going to stay home in the morning to see how it went. i don't know why i don't just tell my boss (or his boss, who is 1000 times more sympathetic and down to earth) that i have depressive episodes. probably because then someone might say i should actually get checked out and i just don't want to go there. i usually make up some excuse if i can't bear to come in to work, and it happens often enough that my boss has stopped telling me to feel better and started saying, 'okay. thanks for the heads up.' i know he doesn't believe me, and i probably wouldn't believe me either, but he wouldn't understand. someone who hasn't had a close encounter with depression--themselves or a loved one or friend--would never fully have the patient understanding of what it means to have someone say,
'i won't be in today. i just cannot do it. i cannot get out of my bed, but i feel a little ok when i lie here and do nothing.'
'i can't get off the floor.'
'i sat down to go to the bathroom and i seriously just don't know when i'll be able to get up.'
'i can't stop giggling uncontrollably and saying stupid, annoying shit like i'm four, and if i could i would have to feel my depression and i can't deal with it.'
'i'm not coming in because i can't bear it, but don't worry, it's not like i'm skipping and having fun. i can't even watch netflix, because the more i watch the more i hate myself.'
these are all things i could have really said instead of making an excuse to my boss. i have the sick time and i always get my work done, but i still don't feel like i can say i'm having a bad day.
i was zoning out while staring at my computer and so unable to focus on something that i scrolled my mouse a little to make it look like i was reading something instead of just staring straight ahead when i decided to write this, and it's making me feel a little bit better.
YES. First, how I have I missed so many posts in the last two weeks? Now, on to depression stuff. I have also felt that because I've watched people (my mom) with clinical depression that I cannot say that I have it unless I've been diagnosed (also I think I have it pretty mild). And I feel like when I've said something along the lines of "maybe I have depression" that people think I'm making it up because "everyone gets sad." No. There's a difference. Mine usually creeps up during the day if I've had no human interaction and haven't left my house. I will literally sit in one room as it gets darker, sinking further and further into a cycle about why I am a useless human being and will never go anywhere in life. I have had plans with people before and I will not answer the phone when they call because I simply cannot mentally do it. And people will say that hanging out with people will make you feel better, but it's seriously like I hit this wall and I think, "no, I cannot. I simply cannot." And then I feel crazy and pathetic but I will remain on the couch eating and watching TV just to pass the time. Also, maybe this part is weird to say... but there have been times when we had tentative plans to hang out and when you haven't responded to me on the day of I've figured that you were going through a depressive episode and literally just could not do something. Does that make sense? Anyway, I get it. That's what the point of that was.
ReplyDeletejessica, there have most def been times when we had plans and i just didn't show. for that, i feel like i owe you a thousand apologies. especially when we lived in on campus housing the first winter, i got bad all the time. i never would have guessed you also experience this. one of the biggest things i have learned is that you just never know who is going through what. there is definitely a difference, it is a thing. and you are not a useless human being, you are wonderful and beloved!
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