when i first got married, i had this terrible fear of driving places alone. like if it was a planned thing with friends or something, it was fine. but if i was going to go to target or smiths without dh, there was like a 95% chance it wouldn't happen. i like, didn't leave the house and drive by myself anywhere for months. i don't know if dh knows that. i don't know what it was. maybe a fear that if something happened with the car i'd be too overwhelmed to deal? that because i'm so quiet no one would notice for hours or longer if something happened? that home was just too, too comfortable?

going somewhere with someone just takes so much pressure off for me. like, here comes this taciturn, awkward, vaguely-fashionable-and-pretty-in-a-past-teenage-life, self conscious, polite but seemingly snobbish--and now, overweight--person. and if i have someone with me, it kind of validates my entire existence. like, i'm not too weird or too quiet or too awkward not to have a companion. doesn't even matter that it's dh. i'm as validated going out with my brother as i am with my dh. for me, running errands alone is like trying to do improve alone. ironically, i need to feel like i'm functioning in the normal-people world.

so i don't know what that's about.

also, i prefer only to go outside/anywhere alone after dark. i don't know why. it's just so much more private. which is why winter is so great.