there is a secret performance award at byu. from what i understand, byu (or maybe the church?) invites different departments at different times to give this award to someone.

well it was more than a year ago when i pulled up my pay stub for an upcoming paycheck and there was an extra $2500 on it. i thought it was obviously a mistake. no one had warned me about it. (it was our sexist-work-retreat big wig's fault that it happened this way, a fact that he never acknowledged, to me, at least, even though it was completely his fault.) for a few minutes i considered just not telling anyone. if they made a mistake and it came on my paycheck, it was mine, right? but what could happen if they found out and i hadn't said anything. i'd probably be fired.

so i asked my supervisor who quickly pulled in his supervisor and then i quickly found myself in big wig's office. he made a joke about how you can't get rich by working for the church and that he could be making more if he did the same thing somewhere else (i had to stop myself from saying "how about we switch salaries for the month and you can tell me if you think you don't get paid that much") but that every now and then they liked to thank employees for their superior work with this secret cash bonus. he told me not to tell anyone, not even my boss (too late) or my parents (yeah right).

we got the money right when we were about to move and the car was in the shop, and we didn't have enough for both. earlier in that office with my boss and his boss when they explained a little bit i started crying. i thanked them several times and then said as i was leaving, "i love you guys," which remains the single most embarrassing and emotionally irrational thing i have ever said.

over time i found out that it wasn't my boss who had nominated me (no surprise), it was his boss (who has always been good to me). it was supposed to be a secret from my boss, i'm sure, because he was also eligible. and man, if i had known that at the time i was sitting in his office crying i would have understood the look on his face.

we didn't see that much of the money because taxes (which is not something i ever complain about, but couldn't they have found a way to get us more than half of it..?) but oh, we needed that money. and at the same time, even on the day of, i felt sad about it. sad that i was getting a secret thank you instead of professional, public praise and a stamp of approval. sad that i had a bigger paycheck but maybe not a boss who thought i deserved it (we had already started to fall out at this time). like, instead of teaching me to fish they gave me a fish. i know that's not how i should feel about it, but today after all the praise and good things that came out of that period when i worked my ass off have gone, all i have left is a disenfranchised job that is laughably not intellectually (or any other way) fulfilling working for a man who thinks little of me.

if they thought i was that great, why couldn't they have offered me a better job.