maybe no one will see this but I want to record how things are.

when my dad passed away it was the hardest part of my life, but this fall has by far been the worst. and the best. and the worst. everything in my life right now I have purposefully chosen and pursued and that is an incredible, amazing feeling. I feel whole and purposeful but fuck things have been hard.

going back to school has been incredibly difficult, but because of scheduling. I never knew scheduling could cause life to be so hellish. my car has been in the shop probably about actually six times this fall (our new car... when our old car died...) and I don't just live next to campus anymore. and I don't work on campus. so if something goes wrong it is a domino effect that I can't get anywhere or do anything.

however, school itself is going well. it is (for me) very socially rigorous and fast paced, but after feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do it I have grown a lot.

we are still planning to go to London on a five week study abroad. shit is going down, so we are at this point just willing it to happen. dh's job is on the line not just with the trip but with his student teaching, since the policy is that he can't do both. so we are dancing around that for now and don't know what will happen and if we'll have healthcare in two months or whatever else. but we are set on going.

so I took a second job and am doing night custodial at the rec center. on the second night of work I thought I had lost my freaking mind. growing up lds it was habit to pray when I felt out of control. maybe it was because I was a control freak. but any time something was happening where I felt helpless is when I would pray. on my way to my custodial job I thought to pray, which is ridiculous based on where I'm at now, but it was complete habit. I was incredibly nervous about what I was taking on. but instead of praying I told myself, I am a capable and strong person and woman and I can absolutely do that. it comforted me more than any prayer for help ever has.

the job has grown on me. I love moving around and finally getting some real exercise (some of which is a total bitch, like, how heavy are floor mats really). but it solved a lot of problems in my life. it's helped me sleep better, helped me not waste my nights away staring at screens, helped me meet new people, helped me exert my independence.

about a month ago my mom told my siblings and I that she had something to tell us that it was time we knew. I wasn't expecting it to be that my dad had had a porn and masturbation problem their entire marriage. she told us that that is the reason she has still been in therapy since he died. she told us how hard it was for her to care for him sometimes while he was passing away, feeling so much anger and hurt from their life together. she told us that she wouldn't choose to be sealed to him in the next life. she told us that even though he couldn't overcome that like he wanted to he loved our family and it doesn't change the father he was.

my feelings on this are endlessly multiplicitous. what I responded to her was that she had a right to be with whom she wanted and make a healthy life for herself. but so much more of it than that she may never know. as much as I hate how violent most pornography is toward women and gendered masturbation is in and outside the church and how evil it is inside the church, I can't condemn my father. honestly, it's not even a thought. both of these things can be used in a healthy and personal way and every body belongs to their consciousness alone. i think society has a responsibility not to abolish them but rehabilitate them. this of course I could never tell her. I think her deep mental and emotional anguish comes mostly from both of them clinging so tightly to the church that obviously had no power to heal my dad from "weakness" when he wanted to be (I assume).

since his passing she digs deeper into the church looking for respite and believing her pain will be taken away when she has learned enough, and I worry that will never happen. she has hinted that she is just as suicidal now as she ever was, especially from what happened with my dad, and I worry it will destroy her.

it explains a lot. it explains my whole life as a kid. it explains why my dad was so focused, single-mindedly, on the savior, while he was sick. I can't decide if I find peace or hurt in that. if I didn't already have fifty nails in the coffin, however, I think that would be the final one. why continue in a church that can't help my dad with something he wanted so much help with?

it has all been very weird but I've found my hustle and I'm headed somewhere of my own making in life. it's the hardest thing I've ever done but I am hopeful things will get better. I'm hopeful for the holidays and so grateful for my marriage and friends. I'm grateful for everyone who encouraged me to be myself and to empower myself. I'm starting to feel consumed with teaching and I am so excited. I am dedicating my life to and want to give to someone else the same tools that I have used to heal, to see other people, understand other people, and stand up for myself.