unharmed
i have never had blood drawn, ever, in my life. i have never been in any kind of an accident. other than several appropriately bad cases of the fever or stomach flu, the most traumatic thing that has happened to my body was having my ears pierced.
i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.
i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.
exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.
i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.
i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.
exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.
please, for goodness sake
my husband has often laughed with me about / listened to me talk about how i want to go ballistic on my boss because of his unbelievably passive aggressive communication style.
for example, if there is a mistake in my data entry, he will say something like this: "it's the weirdest thing... this line was entered as 'tkj' several times in this sheet but it's supposed to be 'tkh' so it's causing an error in the report i'm doing. i don't know what could have happened, but i just thought i'd point it out to you."
ok... i am the only one who creates this report. OBVIOUSLY i just made a typo. could you please just say, 'megan, you entered this as 'tkj', could you be careful to enter it as 'tkh' in the future?' i mean, if you're really going to even go that anal in the first place, when it was obviously just an oversight that happened one time?
today there was a lunch meeting that i did not attend. a few hours later he came up to me and said, "did you get a chance to grab something to eat?" no, i did not, i had already eaten. "oh, ok. well, we'll probably have to clean that up...................." then he stares in to space as though he is having an epiphany about our responsibility in cleaning up the food, and then walks away abruptly. (this is not an exaggeration.)
i knew then that he was possibly asking me to clean it up, but i knew for sure when he came up another few hours later and said, "i think i am just going to have the custodians take care of it... would that be ok?" sure, that'd be great. because it's their job. and you never actually asked me to do it so i'm not sure why you're asking my permission.
i once overheard him talking with his boss about a difficult situation. my boss suggested that "perhaps you could just make an innocuous comment!" as if this would solve everything and he wouldn't risk stepping on anyone's toes. at that moment, it was the hardest thing of my life not to run over and shout NOOOO.
for example, if there is a mistake in my data entry, he will say something like this: "it's the weirdest thing... this line was entered as 'tkj' several times in this sheet but it's supposed to be 'tkh' so it's causing an error in the report i'm doing. i don't know what could have happened, but i just thought i'd point it out to you."
ok... i am the only one who creates this report. OBVIOUSLY i just made a typo. could you please just say, 'megan, you entered this as 'tkj', could you be careful to enter it as 'tkh' in the future?' i mean, if you're really going to even go that anal in the first place, when it was obviously just an oversight that happened one time?
today there was a lunch meeting that i did not attend. a few hours later he came up to me and said, "did you get a chance to grab something to eat?" no, i did not, i had already eaten. "oh, ok. well, we'll probably have to clean that up...................." then he stares in to space as though he is having an epiphany about our responsibility in cleaning up the food, and then walks away abruptly. (this is not an exaggeration.)
i knew then that he was possibly asking me to clean it up, but i knew for sure when he came up another few hours later and said, "i think i am just going to have the custodians take care of it... would that be ok?" sure, that'd be great. because it's their job. and you never actually asked me to do it so i'm not sure why you're asking my permission.
i once overheard him talking with his boss about a difficult situation. my boss suggested that "perhaps you could just make an innocuous comment!" as if this would solve everything and he wouldn't risk stepping on anyone's toes. at that moment, it was the hardest thing of my life not to run over and shout NOOOO.
it's not happening
i bought new cross trainers, bought a new sports bra, new socks, i have been pumped for zumba for days and it starts in 1 hour.
am i going? i definitely don't think so. and i can't explain why.
even without zumba, i had an awesome evening planned. i miss my husband when he's at work but i also love the time to go where i want, do what i want. my plans included: go to the library. go to rocky mountain chocolate factory. buy some new pants. relax, have an awesome healthy dinner, and enjoy my art history reading. take a nice long bath and look at real simple.
what have i done so far? sat in front of the computer. just like i have been doing since 8am.
why does this happen?
am i going? i definitely don't think so. and i can't explain why.
even without zumba, i had an awesome evening planned. i miss my husband when he's at work but i also love the time to go where i want, do what i want. my plans included: go to the library. go to rocky mountain chocolate factory. buy some new pants. relax, have an awesome healthy dinner, and enjoy my art history reading. take a nice long bath and look at real simple.
what have i done so far? sat in front of the computer. just like i have been doing since 8am.
why does this happen?
"don't use an iud because it's not as easy to start having kids when you feel like you should"
i wish i hadn't listened to my mom about birth control. i wish i had gotten the iud i wanted. i wish she would have listened to me a little more, or that i would have spoken up a little more.
when i have my babies, i want to do it in a freestanding birth center. and i want a doula. i think that is the most hippie thing i have ever said. but, even if i change my mind, i am going to stand up for what i want.
when i have my babies, i want to do it in a freestanding birth center. and i want a doula. i think that is the most hippie thing i have ever said. but, even if i change my mind, i am going to stand up for what i want.
thanks obama!
what blows my mind about people who criticize supporters of obamacare is that they don't seem to realize that supporters have thought about possible 'negative effects' and still believe it is worth the effort. that maybe they are willing to receive a little less health care, if that happens, to help more people--or whatever the argument is. if i give any indication of support for obamacare, or try to talk about the good things that will happen, people look at me like i'm stupid. the costs. the cuts on coverage. yadda. do you not see me, a young and brand new professional, newly married, with kids in the future, with ALL of my assets and investments up in the air, and you think that i haven't thought about that?
i also do not understand why people are mad at obama instead of being upset with the insurance companies and medical providers--they are the ones pushing and keeping prices up. i know little about the medical system or about insurance companies, but i do feel like people will not give a potentially better healthcare system a chance because there is sacrifice in the short term. these things take time, and the insurance and medical communities will chill out over time or change completely, but people will not give up what they've had, even if it might help people less fortunate. i also understand that doctors go through tons of schooling and of course i'm grateful for that, but it concerns me that young med school students (guys, mostly) are very concerned about having the six+ figure lifestyle they thought they were getting when they could live comfortably for less. i understand that the practice itself has to make enough to survive, but i just feel like there must be options.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i find the whole conversation very frustrating.
i also do not understand why people are mad at obama instead of being upset with the insurance companies and medical providers--they are the ones pushing and keeping prices up. i know little about the medical system or about insurance companies, but i do feel like people will not give a potentially better healthcare system a chance because there is sacrifice in the short term. these things take time, and the insurance and medical communities will chill out over time or change completely, but people will not give up what they've had, even if it might help people less fortunate. i also understand that doctors go through tons of schooling and of course i'm grateful for that, but it concerns me that young med school students (guys, mostly) are very concerned about having the six+ figure lifestyle they thought they were getting when they could live comfortably for less. i understand that the practice itself has to make enough to survive, but i just feel like there must be options.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i find the whole conversation very frustrating.
o rly?
i really like most of the full-time guys i work with. they are good guys. but sometimes they just get me. in talking about a week-long leadership conference some of them attended, they talked about how surprised they were with the group they ended up with.
they talked about a "young lady of color" who is from the bronx, and how surprised they were at "how smart she was" and what a good job she did for their team on their powerpoint.
then they talked about a guy with "a scraggly mustache and beard" who had graduated from a fine arts school "but" was really, really smart--probably the smartest guy there.
then they said how they learned not to judge people by their "looks."
cool story guys.
they talked about a "young lady of color" who is from the bronx, and how surprised they were at "how smart she was" and what a good job she did for their team on their powerpoint.
then they talked about a guy with "a scraggly mustache and beard" who had graduated from a fine arts school "but" was really, really smart--probably the smartest guy there.
then they said how they learned not to judge people by their "looks."
cool story guys.
omnipotence and selfishness
one of my employees (medicaid) was talking today about her experience taking a philosophy class to fulfill a GE. on the first day of class, they were discussing reasons people give for not believing in god. someone brought up the argument that if he existed, he wouldn't let bad things happen to us, which led someone to comment that he doesn't have power to do anything he wants. "for example," the guy said, "he can't make a triangle a square."
this girl said she was so taken aback. she acknowledged that philosophy majors like to play devil's advocate and question everything, but she felt like it was crossing a line. she said it bothered her so much that if something like it came up again, she was going to raise her hand and tell them to stop. she wondered how they could say it when the scriptures "literally say" that god is "all powerful."
i thought this was fascinating. i feel very strongly that there are very set laws in the universe. call them laws of nature or of science or whatever. i believe god follows them just as all of us do. there are laws, processes, and organization to the matter of the universe and i believe gods become gods when they have a perfect knowledge of those laws and are perfectly obedient to them. i believe that this is why they have "all power." i think it's interesting that religion and science have been at odds for so long, in human terms. in my mind, science is, in a way, perfect religion. i think they are both governed by obedience. in religion, we become like god as we are obedient to the commandments of our heavenly parents. (not temporary, relative, cultural commandments, mind you, but a combination of the broad law of love, generosity, acceptance, and the specific ordinances and covenants god has prearranged. which starts to look a lot like a worship in mind of a great universal goodness seen more in eastern religions.) in science, all matter follows the laws of nature. the elements are perfectly obedient, and we are not. this brings up complicated questions, like what about when jesus commanded the sea to be calm? i think we talk about the elements obeying godly command because we do see that power as all powerful, but i think in reality they just abide by the same laws, speak the same languages, have a mutual respect and power, the way electrons automatically know how to interact. or perhaps there is a principle of human spirit ruling over the non-animated elements, a more advanced, "spiritual" meaning of "stewardship over the earth." yes, godliness is submitting to and obeying these laws, but they give gods power, rather than take it away. (isn't that an lds thought anyway? that obedience frees us from being powerless?) heavenly father has also told us that there are things he himself can't do (for example, "change", or he wouldn't be a god, or take away someone's agency, or he wouldn't be a god), so the idea of his all powerfulness is inherently complicated.
i digress.
one of my other employees then shared how they were talking in her psychology class about hedonism and similar concepts. she said she had never thought about doing good for others in order to return to god as making that original good act inherently selfish. she said she began thinking of the most fundamental thing she could: why do i love god? she said she thought of many different reasons, but they were all centered around her: "because he loves me." "because of all he does for me." etc. they talked at a little length about different reasons for why they love god.
again, fascinating, and my first reaction was that selfishness isn't always bad. i know that goes against a slew of modern general conference talks, and i know it says in the scriptures to lose our lives to find them. i also do believe that selfishness is at the root of all sin (which makes sin much simpler in my mind but also disqualifies a lot of acts that orthodox lds people would see as sinful as not actually so) but also that the human, and especially lds version, of sin is culturally imperfect (i haven't studied enough to say if it's scripturally sound). i think it is ok that are on an inherently selfish internal quest to find out what god is, what our relationship is, and what that means to us. (this search, obviously, is not so simple as the traditionally packaged and bowed lds answer.) we are told that exaltation is a family matter achieved with sealings, but that salvation is specifically individual. it is an inherently selfish journey of selflessness.
i also thought a lot about where love for god--or for anything--comes from. my first thought was that it's culturally learned, because christians are taught that god loves us and we love him too. however, i thought more about agnostics or more specifically people who have never heard of god. if someone was raised without any indication or idea of god (if this is psychologically possible), would they yearn to know god (assuming god exists)? i feel like, yes. this is kind of impossible because everyone on earth has heard of some kind of god; however, there are stories of people who don't believe in religion or have chosen not to be religious but still feel like something's missing. i think the easiest answer for this, in lds terms, is the light of christ. there is still some kind of spiritual experience that we don't understand, that comes from time to time when we're listening. i think, ultimately, that love comes from the spirit or is the spirit, which we always have access to as humans (and probably as intelligences, too). when parents have a child, they (usually) love it instantly and without reason. psychological studies have shown that there is a literal, chemical reaction that happens (or should happen, at least within the mother) when a baby is born (although these chemicals are blocked by some of the drugs hospitals use on childbearing women........but this is a whole 'nother post), but, as per above, isn't science just religion? i think we will find that the spiritual is the scientific and that we love god because there is a permanent, eternal relationship and intensely spiritual (and yes, even "scientific", which is easy to argue when our relationship with our biological parents is scientific) connection there.
i didn't tell them any of this, even though they vaguely, indirectly, kind of asked when the second girl said "so if either of you think of an answer"... because, seriously, who would just say this shit? me (and not me), i'm weird like that.
this girl said she was so taken aback. she acknowledged that philosophy majors like to play devil's advocate and question everything, but she felt like it was crossing a line. she said it bothered her so much that if something like it came up again, she was going to raise her hand and tell them to stop. she wondered how they could say it when the scriptures "literally say" that god is "all powerful."
i thought this was fascinating. i feel very strongly that there are very set laws in the universe. call them laws of nature or of science or whatever. i believe god follows them just as all of us do. there are laws, processes, and organization to the matter of the universe and i believe gods become gods when they have a perfect knowledge of those laws and are perfectly obedient to them. i believe that this is why they have "all power." i think it's interesting that religion and science have been at odds for so long, in human terms. in my mind, science is, in a way, perfect religion. i think they are both governed by obedience. in religion, we become like god as we are obedient to the commandments of our heavenly parents. (not temporary, relative, cultural commandments, mind you, but a combination of the broad law of love, generosity, acceptance, and the specific ordinances and covenants god has prearranged. which starts to look a lot like a worship in mind of a great universal goodness seen more in eastern religions.) in science, all matter follows the laws of nature. the elements are perfectly obedient, and we are not. this brings up complicated questions, like what about when jesus commanded the sea to be calm? i think we talk about the elements obeying godly command because we do see that power as all powerful, but i think in reality they just abide by the same laws, speak the same languages, have a mutual respect and power, the way electrons automatically know how to interact. or perhaps there is a principle of human spirit ruling over the non-animated elements, a more advanced, "spiritual" meaning of "stewardship over the earth." yes, godliness is submitting to and obeying these laws, but they give gods power, rather than take it away. (isn't that an lds thought anyway? that obedience frees us from being powerless?) heavenly father has also told us that there are things he himself can't do (for example, "change", or he wouldn't be a god, or take away someone's agency, or he wouldn't be a god), so the idea of his all powerfulness is inherently complicated.
i digress.
one of my other employees then shared how they were talking in her psychology class about hedonism and similar concepts. she said she had never thought about doing good for others in order to return to god as making that original good act inherently selfish. she said she began thinking of the most fundamental thing she could: why do i love god? she said she thought of many different reasons, but they were all centered around her: "because he loves me." "because of all he does for me." etc. they talked at a little length about different reasons for why they love god.
again, fascinating, and my first reaction was that selfishness isn't always bad. i know that goes against a slew of modern general conference talks, and i know it says in the scriptures to lose our lives to find them. i also do believe that selfishness is at the root of all sin (which makes sin much simpler in my mind but also disqualifies a lot of acts that orthodox lds people would see as sinful as not actually so) but also that the human, and especially lds version, of sin is culturally imperfect (i haven't studied enough to say if it's scripturally sound). i think it is ok that are on an inherently selfish internal quest to find out what god is, what our relationship is, and what that means to us. (this search, obviously, is not so simple as the traditionally packaged and bowed lds answer.) we are told that exaltation is a family matter achieved with sealings, but that salvation is specifically individual. it is an inherently selfish journey of selflessness.
i also thought a lot about where love for god--or for anything--comes from. my first thought was that it's culturally learned, because christians are taught that god loves us and we love him too. however, i thought more about agnostics or more specifically people who have never heard of god. if someone was raised without any indication or idea of god (if this is psychologically possible), would they yearn to know god (assuming god exists)? i feel like, yes. this is kind of impossible because everyone on earth has heard of some kind of god; however, there are stories of people who don't believe in religion or have chosen not to be religious but still feel like something's missing. i think the easiest answer for this, in lds terms, is the light of christ. there is still some kind of spiritual experience that we don't understand, that comes from time to time when we're listening. i think, ultimately, that love comes from the spirit or is the spirit, which we always have access to as humans (and probably as intelligences, too). when parents have a child, they (usually) love it instantly and without reason. psychological studies have shown that there is a literal, chemical reaction that happens (or should happen, at least within the mother) when a baby is born (although these chemicals are blocked by some of the drugs hospitals use on childbearing women........but this is a whole 'nother post), but, as per above, isn't science just religion? i think we will find that the spiritual is the scientific and that we love god because there is a permanent, eternal relationship and intensely spiritual (and yes, even "scientific", which is easy to argue when our relationship with our biological parents is scientific) connection there.
i didn't tell them any of this, even though they vaguely, indirectly, kind of asked when the second girl said "so if either of you think of an answer"... because, seriously, who would just say this shit? me (and not me), i'm weird like that.
a lot has changed in a little
our talks went well. really well. we wrote them the morning we gave them (12:30 church), which i don't feel even 1% guilty about. people act like you won't be able to access the spirit on such short notice, or give a good talk if you hadn't studied it for a week or more, but then they also tell missionaries what an honor it is to be able to speak with little to no preparation, to speak from the heart and to always have a little something prepared.
i was really surprised at what come out in my talk. it was genuinely me, even with where i'm at with everything. completely honest: i was more nervous about bearing my testimony at the end than i was about giving the talk. i didn't want to get up there and say something i didn't believe, or that i didn't feel like saying. and i didn't, but i feel like i still bore a strong, powerful testimony.
we are now sunday school teachers. i find this ironic and weird. and i'm a little afraid of what i'll say up there. our being called doesn't have anything to do with how the talks went, but i do feel very encouraged. i am actually happy to be called to teach sunday school, and i think i knew ever since we got the phone call that that's what it was.
when i taught relief society a few years ago, i was going through some really rough stuff, and already pulling away from my ward and byu religion but also what i had grown up with, on a large scale for the first time. i felt incredibly nonreligious 90% of the week, but when i would sit down to write my lessons, i knew that i could teach by the spirit and i knew that if i prayed for it the spirit would touch those who heard my lesson. there was no question in my mind. i feel like that's the same spirit in which i wrote my talk, and the spirit again came, strongly. husband and i were talking about this the other day--people in the church act like if you do one wrong thing, you lose the spirit and you can't get it back until you've gone through arduous processes. and i understand this is a principle of repentance, and i really believe in repentance. but it has been at the dark times in my life that i felt the spirit the strongest and felt the most direct connection with heaven. when i am dropping f bombs and generally swearing like a sailor, and then giving a powerful talk the next hour, feeling the spirit more than i have in months, it is a really strange but kind of comforting experience. it's reshaping the way i think about the spirit and making me wonder what is really at the heart of everything. i am grateful for the opportunity to be a sunday school teacher because i can experience this spirit on a regular basis. i don't believe the lord holds back the spirit from teachers who honestly want to teach well. and while i realize that may be more for the good of the audience than the teacher, it's no doubt that the teacher benefits by it. i did as a relief society teacher, and i know i will now.
i am still pulling away in some ways, even if i am feeling closer to heaven in others. lately i am struggling mostly with garments. besides the fact that it is still deathly hot, and that i have gained weight in the past year, making them more tight and uncomfortable, i do believe they are an outward showing of what i believe. i have a very honest desire to go back to the temple and see what's there. re-see it. i really want to go back and wear my garments there, in worship and honestly seeking to understand why the temple is such a pinnacle of LDS faith.
over the long weekend husband and i stopped in victoria's secret. even if i did wear garments all the time, a girl's still gotta have something for when TOM visits, and i was needing new undies. i told myself this was a very reasonable and started picking stuff out. my respect and love for my husband has grown a lot in regards to his respecting my decisions. i am very grateful to him. we feel very differently about garments--and about feminism, and about a lot of the things on my mind--but he has never made me feel bad about wearing or not wearing them. as i picked out underwear, i think both he and i knew i would really be wearing them more than just when i needed to wear a pad. but he knows how i feel, and to his credit, he grabbed my lovely batch of panties, took them to the register, and paid for them himself.
more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.
more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.
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