a lot has changed in a little

our talks went well. really well. we wrote them the morning we gave them (12:30 church), which i don't feel even 1% guilty about. people act like you won't be able to access the spirit on such short notice, or give a good talk if you hadn't studied it for a week or more, but then they also tell missionaries what an honor it is to be able to speak with little to no preparation, to speak from the heart and to always have a little something prepared.

i was really surprised at what come out in my talk. it was genuinely me, even with where i'm at with everything. completely honest: i was more nervous about bearing my testimony at the end than i was about giving the talk. i didn't want to get up there and say something i didn't believe, or that i didn't feel like saying. and i didn't, but i feel like i still bore a strong, powerful testimony. 

we are now sunday school teachers. i find this ironic and weird. and i'm a little afraid of what i'll say up there. our being called doesn't have anything to do with how the talks went, but i do feel very encouraged. i am actually happy to be called to teach sunday school, and i think i knew ever since we got the phone call that that's what it was. 

when i taught relief society a few years ago, i was going through some really rough stuff, and already pulling away from my ward and byu religion but also what i had grown up with, on a large scale for the first time. i felt incredibly nonreligious 90% of the week, but when i would sit down to write my lessons, i knew that i could teach by the spirit and i knew that if i prayed for it the spirit would touch those who heard my lesson. there was no question in my mind. i feel like that's the same spirit in which i wrote my talk, and the spirit again came, strongly. husband and i were talking about this the other day--people in the church act like if you do one wrong thing, you lose the spirit and you can't get it back until you've gone through arduous processes. and i understand this is a principle of repentance, and i really believe in repentance. but it has been at the dark times in my life that i felt the spirit the strongest and felt the most direct connection with heaven. when i am dropping f bombs and generally swearing like a sailor, and then giving a powerful talk the next hour, feeling the spirit more than i have in months, it is a really strange but kind of comforting experience. it's reshaping the way i think about the spirit and making me wonder what is really at the heart of everything. i am grateful for the opportunity to be a sunday school teacher because i can experience this spirit on a regular basis. i don't believe the lord holds back the spirit from teachers who honestly want to teach well. and while i realize that may be more for the good of the audience than the teacher, it's no doubt that the teacher benefits by it. i did as a relief society teacher, and i know i will now.

i am still pulling away in some ways, even if i am feeling closer to heaven in others. lately i am struggling mostly with garments. besides the fact that it is still deathly hot, and that i have gained weight in the past year, making them more tight and uncomfortable, i do believe they are an outward showing of what i believe. i have a very honest desire to go back to the temple and see what's there. re-see it. i really want to go back and wear my garments there, in worship and honestly seeking to understand why the temple is such a pinnacle of LDS faith. 

over the long weekend husband and i stopped in victoria's secret. even if i did wear garments all the time, a girl's still gotta have something for when TOM visits, and i was needing new undies. i told myself this was a very reasonable and started picking stuff out. my respect and love for my husband has grown a lot in regards to his respecting my decisions. i am very grateful to him. we feel very differently about garments--and about feminism, and about a lot of the things on my mind--but he has never made me feel bad about wearing or not wearing them. as i picked out underwear, i think both he and i knew i would really be wearing them more than just when i needed to wear a pad. but he knows how i feel, and to his credit, he grabbed my lovely batch of panties, took them to the register, and paid for them himself.

more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.