unharmed

i have never had blood drawn, ever, in my life. i have never been in any kind of an accident. other than several appropriately bad cases of the fever or stomach flu, the most traumatic thing that has happened to my body was having my ears pierced.

i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.

i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.

exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.