also, i have an weird, ardent, true love for this movie:
i love it. so much. in that "watch mean girls on a whim on a weeknight and it's still disgustingly good" kind of way.
it's on netflix.
yesterday i was in the drive through at mcdonalds waiting for my number two no pickles (because TOM and because dh is semi-out of town this week so, bachelorette life 4eva) when this car with its bass way up comes slowly past me and parks. out jumps this high school kid in all black, definitely going in to work. he took his time, kind of looking around, switching from his highlighter yellow nikes to his black shoes with the anti-grease slipping soles that everyone has to get when they work fast food.
it was pretty cold but a little windy and really sunny. like a creeper, i just sat there and watched him, remembering what it was like to be in his shoes. in high school. in college. just putting along how you were supposed to on a beautiful day. remembering what it's like to work a job with a bunch of other kids, and the job kinda sucks but you are all in it together and you're really close in that summer camp kind of way so the job you hate is secretly awesome. he probably got home from school an hour before and dutzed around his parents' house for a bit and then rolled in here to work on a february afternoon. probably had some homework to do and needed to get back to his friends but it could all happen on his time. and right then, it only mattered that the air was so fresh and the music sounded so damn good turned up in his car.
and that moment was so delicious. i'm a nostalgic person but i think that nostalgia often has a lot to do with my anxiety. but in this moment, i really remembered and really longed for that life that i will never get back. i was that person who almost shouted out to him to enjoy what he had even if he thought right then that it wasn't anything special.
it made me wonder, too, if that's not the feeling of being a teenager but of being a person. it made me wonder about my depression and about what's happened the last three years and if you don't have to be a teenager to have a good day. when you're an adult it seems like the good days only happen when you make them--you plan and you spend and cash out your time and money to get that feeling. or do you have to? i always get this feeling a little when the weather is going to change and summer is coming, or winter is coming. like, the grass is always greener in literally the next season of life. i hope i can turn things around and there will be more delicious days and moments in the time to come.
it was pretty cold but a little windy and really sunny. like a creeper, i just sat there and watched him, remembering what it was like to be in his shoes. in high school. in college. just putting along how you were supposed to on a beautiful day. remembering what it's like to work a job with a bunch of other kids, and the job kinda sucks but you are all in it together and you're really close in that summer camp kind of way so the job you hate is secretly awesome. he probably got home from school an hour before and dutzed around his parents' house for a bit and then rolled in here to work on a february afternoon. probably had some homework to do and needed to get back to his friends but it could all happen on his time. and right then, it only mattered that the air was so fresh and the music sounded so damn good turned up in his car.
and that moment was so delicious. i'm a nostalgic person but i think that nostalgia often has a lot to do with my anxiety. but in this moment, i really remembered and really longed for that life that i will never get back. i was that person who almost shouted out to him to enjoy what he had even if he thought right then that it wasn't anything special.
it made me wonder, too, if that's not the feeling of being a teenager but of being a person. it made me wonder about my depression and about what's happened the last three years and if you don't have to be a teenager to have a good day. when you're an adult it seems like the good days only happen when you make them--you plan and you spend and cash out your time and money to get that feeling. or do you have to? i always get this feeling a little when the weather is going to change and summer is coming, or winter is coming. like, the grass is always greener in literally the next season of life. i hope i can turn things around and there will be more delicious days and moments in the time to come.
my boss is not afraid to hunt you until he kills you. he calls everyone from his office (even the people in the neighboring offices five feet away). i think this is so he can keep all his papers and shiz in one place right in front of him and never get flustered or interrupted. if the person he's calling is on the phone (in their office.... right next to him........), he will call their cell phone and leave a message (even though he can hear their phone going off in the next room... and probably hear them on their office phone......................) so that the ball isn't in his court and he doesn't have to try again later.
that's the key phrase to understanding my boss. he never, never, NEVER, NEVER wants the ball in his court.
he called you and you're not there? he will leave an extremely detailed note with whoever the call forwards to (even if it's your co worker or boss) so that, in his words, you can remind him what he was going to tell you when you call him back and he doesn't have to remember or keep it on his to do list. (if you don't say the thing on the note he said he was calling about he won't remember or he'll act really put out.)
he's returning your call and you're not there? he will just leave another message.
he asked you to do something and you didn't do it within an hour? he will do it himself (without telling you) so he knows it's done and he doesn't have to check in.
stepped away from your desk? he will leave passive aggressive sticky notes on your computer instead of checking in with you later. even if you've left for the day, and he knows you've left, he will put a sticky not there asking you to close a spreadsheet you might have open that he now won't get to until tomorrow anyway, just so you know he would have asked you.
on vacation? he will call you. until you pick up.
not in your office but he wants to talk to you? he will close your office door, effectively setting a trap for you so that--in his words--he can hear you when you come back. get back to your office and have a call to make that's more important than talking to him right that second (which you do make right after you get the keys to open your office door again because it automatically locks and he closed it)? he will stand there to ensure the person you're calling picks up (if they don't, he can talk to you), and if they do, he will go back to his office while you're on your call (so he can keep working, so he doesn't waste time. he will literally go back in his office to keep working for thirty seconds if he's trying to leave the building with someone but they have to run back for their keys). he will work in his office and, like he made sure to tell you, watch your line on his phone so he can see when you're done with your call and come right back.
(yeah.... that just happened.)
my other favorite is when he sends someone an email and then immediately calls them. he'll ask, "do you want me to send you an email about this?" [they answer yes or no.] "well, i already did."
i think in his mind he is the killer of killers. he is the killer you want on your team because that thing WILL get done WHEN he says it will unless he's dead. but to me, this is just the laziest set of asshole moves i've ever seen because he genuinely thinks he's more important than everyone else and never takes responsibility.
for anything.
this is what my every single work day is like. 8 hours of this. every day.
that's the key phrase to understanding my boss. he never, never, NEVER, NEVER wants the ball in his court.
he called you and you're not there? he will leave an extremely detailed note with whoever the call forwards to (even if it's your co worker or boss) so that, in his words, you can remind him what he was going to tell you when you call him back and he doesn't have to remember or keep it on his to do list. (if you don't say the thing on the note he said he was calling about he won't remember or he'll act really put out.)
he's returning your call and you're not there? he will just leave another message.
he asked you to do something and you didn't do it within an hour? he will do it himself (without telling you) so he knows it's done and he doesn't have to check in.
stepped away from your desk? he will leave passive aggressive sticky notes on your computer instead of checking in with you later. even if you've left for the day, and he knows you've left, he will put a sticky not there asking you to close a spreadsheet you might have open that he now won't get to until tomorrow anyway, just so you know he would have asked you.
on vacation? he will call you. until you pick up.
not in your office but he wants to talk to you? he will close your office door, effectively setting a trap for you so that--in his words--he can hear you when you come back. get back to your office and have a call to make that's more important than talking to him right that second (which you do make right after you get the keys to open your office door again because it automatically locks and he closed it)? he will stand there to ensure the person you're calling picks up (if they don't, he can talk to you), and if they do, he will go back to his office while you're on your call (so he can keep working, so he doesn't waste time. he will literally go back in his office to keep working for thirty seconds if he's trying to leave the building with someone but they have to run back for their keys). he will work in his office and, like he made sure to tell you, watch your line on his phone so he can see when you're done with your call and come right back.
(yeah.... that just happened.)
my other favorite is when he sends someone an email and then immediately calls them. he'll ask, "do you want me to send you an email about this?" [they answer yes or no.] "well, i already did."
i think in his mind he is the killer of killers. he is the killer you want on your team because that thing WILL get done WHEN he says it will unless he's dead. but to me, this is just the laziest set of asshole moves i've ever seen because he genuinely thinks he's more important than everyone else and never takes responsibility.
for anything.
this is what my every single work day is like. 8 hours of this. every day.
-my brother came and stayed with us this weekend and he was so sick. all of my employees were sick last week. i am getting nervous and kind of ragey at all of them--for not covering their sneezes, for wiping their noses with their hands and then touching stuff, for not staying home from work and taking care not to infect everyone. usually i make jokes about hugging sick people so i can stay home from work, which is the best. but the annual leadership retreat--the one that demolished me last year, the one where i worked in the kitchen and cried the entire way home--is coming up a few weeks and i am dead set on being "sick". i've had this planned out in my mind since probably november and i've been careful not to take sick time so it wouldn't seem weird when i was sick come march. yes... this is the level i have dropped to. there is nothing that could compel me to go to that retreat. when i brought it up on facebook a while back everyone was like "stick up for yourself!" "tell them you won't go!" "tell them it's sexist and you're worth more!" and i was like "yeah!" but in reality i would NEVER do this. my boss is so tone deaf that i literally don't think he would understand what i was saying. the reality of how much they would not get it is endless. i know i should be a feminist pioneer and stand up for myself, but in an already putrid and terrible situation with my relationships and job here, it just seems like the more noble and sensible thing to do is just stay home sick. i keep going back and forth from telling myself i'm a coward to telling myself i'm taking the noble way out. maybe it's a bit of both. but i will not suffer that humiliation again.
-it makes me twitchy when parents say they are supporting their daughter's choice in being all-pink-loving, all-princesses and fairies little girls. someone told me once that i was being a bad feminist if i didn't support a little girl's choice to be obsessed with pink culture. i'm having a really hard time with it because yes, girls should be able to choose to love whatever they want but, at the same time, when three year olds are crying to their moms that they want "yellow" hair instead of brown hair, when clothing for toddlers is sexualized and when the girls are facing crushing social pressure to conform to gender stereotypes, i think there's a responsibility to teach girls to look beyond pink and to teach them that pink can be harmful. how to teach that to three and six year olds, i don't know, but let's just say there's a reason i'm not having kids right now. little girls have just as much right to identify with a feminine gender as any person of any sex, but when do you know that you're overcompensating in the case of little girls in particular?
-speaking of which, i've been thinking really seriously about being childless by choice. so, that's complicated.
-birdman rocks and i was elated that it won best picture, even though i doubt it would have won in a straight popular vote. everyone's pretty cynical about it, saying it's the industry patting itself on the back, which i don't really see because i thought it was ENDLESSLY cynical toward the entire entertainment industry. for me it was an epic, grand commentary on social media and the way we live our lives socially these days. i saw it right when i was in the thick of my facebook hate-delete, so maybe i saw it from an angle that was really personal. but i thought it was layered and beautiful and deep and the most wonderful movie of the year. related, if i have to listen to my employees talk about voldemort or "ralph finers" in the grand budapest hotel i'm gonna lose it. i thought adam levine's performance was terrible. i think he is one of the grossest playboy sell outs of this generation. so there, i said. and while i'm at it, i've done everything i could to get into taylor swift and i do. not. get. it. maybe someone can convince me. i think her music is... bad.
-applied to another job that's a perfect fit. it closes tomorrow and i already feel like i'm going to throw up out of disappointment. the thing about this company is they hire from the inside A LOT of them time. which... i get it. but they also do this passive aggressive thing where, even if they already have someone in mind or straight up have someone picked out, they still interview applicants. not just the top applicants, but ALL the applicants. so pretty much it's a HUGE waste of time and receiving an interview isn't actually any indication that they are seriously interested in you. i don't know how it got to be part of the culture here but i frankly think it should be illegal. i'm pretty stable and i'm a whiner but i'm doing okay, but imagine if someone unemployed was looking for a way to support their family. it's pretty selfish of a company to take time and energy away from other possible applications so they can give themselves pats on the back for being nice. and i wish they would just be like "lol nah, thanks for applying."
-it makes me twitchy when parents say they are supporting their daughter's choice in being all-pink-loving, all-princesses and fairies little girls. someone told me once that i was being a bad feminist if i didn't support a little girl's choice to be obsessed with pink culture. i'm having a really hard time with it because yes, girls should be able to choose to love whatever they want but, at the same time, when three year olds are crying to their moms that they want "yellow" hair instead of brown hair, when clothing for toddlers is sexualized and when the girls are facing crushing social pressure to conform to gender stereotypes, i think there's a responsibility to teach girls to look beyond pink and to teach them that pink can be harmful. how to teach that to three and six year olds, i don't know, but let's just say there's a reason i'm not having kids right now. little girls have just as much right to identify with a feminine gender as any person of any sex, but when do you know that you're overcompensating in the case of little girls in particular?
-speaking of which, i've been thinking really seriously about being childless by choice. so, that's complicated.
-birdman rocks and i was elated that it won best picture, even though i doubt it would have won in a straight popular vote. everyone's pretty cynical about it, saying it's the industry patting itself on the back, which i don't really see because i thought it was ENDLESSLY cynical toward the entire entertainment industry. for me it was an epic, grand commentary on social media and the way we live our lives socially these days. i saw it right when i was in the thick of my facebook hate-delete, so maybe i saw it from an angle that was really personal. but i thought it was layered and beautiful and deep and the most wonderful movie of the year. related, if i have to listen to my employees talk about voldemort or "ralph finers" in the grand budapest hotel i'm gonna lose it. i thought adam levine's performance was terrible. i think he is one of the grossest playboy sell outs of this generation. so there, i said. and while i'm at it, i've done everything i could to get into taylor swift and i do. not. get. it. maybe someone can convince me. i think her music is... bad.
-applied to another job that's a perfect fit. it closes tomorrow and i already feel like i'm going to throw up out of disappointment. the thing about this company is they hire from the inside A LOT of them time. which... i get it. but they also do this passive aggressive thing where, even if they already have someone in mind or straight up have someone picked out, they still interview applicants. not just the top applicants, but ALL the applicants. so pretty much it's a HUGE waste of time and receiving an interview isn't actually any indication that they are seriously interested in you. i don't know how it got to be part of the culture here but i frankly think it should be illegal. i'm pretty stable and i'm a whiner but i'm doing okay, but imagine if someone unemployed was looking for a way to support their family. it's pretty selfish of a company to take time and energy away from other possible applications so they can give themselves pats on the back for being nice. and i wish they would just be like "lol nah, thanks for applying."
also, feeling skeeved out by the grammys. the first time i heard sam smith's 'stay with me', i thought it was john legend. not like, i thought it was a new john legend song; i could have sworn it was a john legend song from a few years ago and i was wondering why they were playing an obscure john legend song on the radio. i know john is decorated and doing well, but that's not really the point. sam smith seems lovely but it's a big no to his music from me.
and as for iggy azalea vs. azealia banks, i am 1000% team azealia. "head over heels"? c'mon. it's like a bad joke you ha ha womp womp at once and then it's stale. if this is your a-game material, it's not even good. i probably would have stayed in shape if i knew huge butts were going to be in style in three years, but that's about all it does for me.
and as for iggy azalea vs. azealia banks, i am 1000% team azealia. "head over heels"? c'mon. it's like a bad joke you ha ha womp womp at once and then it's stale. if this is your a-game material, it's not even good. i probably would have stayed in shape if i knew huge butts were going to be in style in three years, but that's about all it does for me.
taking a day off work to clean up house and relax at home is the best thing. i get special pleasure out of taking time for myself when i know everyone else is at work and going about normal business.
also, it's sometimes ultimately a good thing that i don't want to put on clothes to go get food or even order something and answer the door. because then i have to eat the healthy shiz in my cupboards that i usually choose to look over. especially that stuff i bought at costco like, "hell yeah, i am going to get healthy in bulk."
also, we paid off our credit cards today and i think we really have the discipline now to keep them paid off probably since we got married. and that is the best feeling.
also, it's sometimes ultimately a good thing that i don't want to put on clothes to go get food or even order something and answer the door. because then i have to eat the healthy shiz in my cupboards that i usually choose to look over. especially that stuff i bought at costco like, "hell yeah, i am going to get healthy in bulk."
also, we paid off our credit cards today and i think we really have the discipline now to keep them paid off probably since we got married. and that is the best feeling.
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