yesterday i was in the drive through at mcdonalds waiting for my number two no pickles (because TOM and because dh is semi-out of town this week so, bachelorette life 4eva) when this car with its bass way up comes slowly past me and parks. out jumps this high school kid in all black, definitely going in to work. he took his time, kind of looking around, switching from his highlighter yellow nikes to his black shoes with the anti-grease slipping soles that everyone has to get when they work fast food.

it was pretty cold but a little windy and really sunny. like a creeper, i just sat there and watched him, remembering what it was like to be in his shoes. in high school. in college. just putting along how you were supposed to on a beautiful day. remembering what it's like to work a job with a bunch of other kids, and the job kinda sucks but you are all in it together and you're really close in that summer camp kind of way so the job you hate is secretly awesome. he probably got home from school an hour before and dutzed around his parents' house for a bit and then rolled in here to work on a february afternoon. probably had some homework to do and needed to get back to his friends but it could all happen on his time. and right then, it only mattered that the air was so fresh and the music sounded so damn good turned up in his car.

and that moment was so delicious. i'm a nostalgic person but i think that nostalgia often has a lot to do with my anxiety. but in this moment, i really remembered and really longed for that life that i will never get back. i was that person who almost shouted out to him to enjoy what he had even if he thought right then that it wasn't anything special.

it made me wonder, too, if that's not the feeling of being a teenager but of being a person. it made me wonder about my depression and about what's happened the last three years and if you don't have to be a teenager to have a good day. when you're an adult it seems like the good days only happen when you make them--you plan and you spend and cash out your time and money to get that feeling. or do you have to? i always get this feeling a little when the weather is going to change and summer is coming, or winter is coming. like, the grass is always greener in literally the next season of life. i hope i can turn things around and there will be more delicious days and moments in the time to come.