dad is going in for surgery on tuesday or wednesday of next week. we were already planning to take most of the week off for our anniversary so it worked out with work. best case scenario, he has the surgery and is able to move around the house, dress and bathe himself and he will have a few more months and they will continue any treatment he would like to do--experimental chemo, high dosages, etc. worst case scenario, he will not be functioning and will go on hospice. even though the doctors will take any treatment course my dad wants, he will not make it long.

while my dad was napping and before dh and i left yesterday the family was all together and talking through everything. my mom proposed that we ask heaven to take him home in his sleep or during the surgery. we don't want to see him suffer any more. to her surprise, we all felt the same way and agreed on some times to fast together. obviously we are not telling anyone this, not even extended family.

so i come in to work today fasting that my dad will die and i'm just trying to not bite people's heads off and it's obvious my old boss le douch went through my stuff while i was gone and made a bunch of little physical changes to the office, so i am trying not to blow a gasket. at least he didn't have the balls to ask me about my dad at all, with that stupid, awful fake grin on his fucking face. my PVC has been acting up the last couple days so i am trying to let everything go, be non confrontational, and not add more stress that could give me other symptoms. mostly i just hope everyone here leaves me alone.

another thing my mom shared with us is what she has in mind for what kind of place she wants to move to eventually. my dad's life insurance is enough to buy her a house and pay for a few years of college. we started joking about all the kids that will eventually be running around (all of us kids were there, miraculously), and she asked us all how many kids we would like to have. truthfully. really. honestly. "one or two." i said. "really? one or two or maybe.. none?" she says. there was just kind of a moment and she then said that if i decided not to have any kids that she was completely fine with it and that she trusted me to know what was best for me.

i don't know how that woman does it. and i don't know how, just like that, that conversation i never thought i would have was completely fine.

more than that, we all enjoyed being together and laughing so much together. one night we stayed up until two am just telling jokes and talking. it was wonderful to be together.

i'm mourning a lot of things and i'm not even sure i know what they all are yet. but hopefully the weekend comes quickly and it will be a hop and a skip before we're back in idaho and waiting to see what will happen.