yesterday i had my first doctor's appointment as an adult. first general, elective one, anyway. i spent days searching for doctors and sifting through profiles, finally finding one who came highly recommended and was an especially good listener. and she was.

it went well and i'm schedule for my first pap smear, which is its own fun experience. but it's only increased my thoughts lately about being child free. about more permanent options. about what it would be like to look into my doctor's eyes and hear myself ask about sterilization.

here we have a word that i am afraid of more than any other. actually i am afraid of saying or even thinking it, not really the word itself.

sterilization.

like, you can't even think this word without fearing people will think you are insane. that you've already made an irreversible decision just by thinking of it. it's not acceptable and it's a direct path to being branded as someone who doesn't contribute to society.

i will probably at least ASK my doctor about it not soon, but eventually. it's also weird to think that while i still feel 18, i am 25. i know women with four or five kids by twenty five. i admit it's a new thing to tell myself that i have the right, experience, and wisdom to make a decision like this for myself. like most things in my life, most big decisions, if it happens it will be premeditated for years and i will think on it and sit on it and wait on it quietly and keep it inside myself until one day all at once it just happens.

and it is already brewing inside of me. all the thoughts, all the possibilities, complications, outcomes. i have already been taught by society which things to dread and fear: my partner will leave me. my family will mourn or despise me. i will live a life filled with regret and despair.

but i can't help think of the good outcomes. some of them are trivial. like, i will be able to get up on sunday morning and read, undisturbed. or i could get a bidet.

some of them run deep. there is freedom from intense personal but outside influences that could trigger my depression, which, when not triggered by my hormonal cycle, is situational and has been since i was a teenager. i can't imagine a parent who doesn't occasionally or even often get into a situation that could trigger depression in anyone.

there's freedom to work and give everything i have. freedom to embrace my career and have extra time and energy to devote to changing the world. to fall into the depths of law and discourse and become a force to be reckoned with. make something of myself.

i wish there was a breakdown of child free people by personality type. are INTJs especially prone to be child free? are there are other introverts who are so sensitive and at risk of big disruptions in their lives from the smallest glances or words from others--other people who sometimes physically can't even THINK freely when someone else is just standing or sitting in the room minding their own business--that they became child free in order to avoid one of the most complicated, strapping, and irreversible human relationships, which comes with no privacy and no rest?

there are the physical reasons. besides the obvious pain, it's a shame i didn't think about this before i was overweight--i've messed up what i'll go ahead and say is a pretty fantastic body. not that i don't think it's fantastic now, but you can't reverse stretch marks naturally. at least no one will be able to say i don't want kids because i'm vain; i'm probably now as heavy as my mom was after having her five kids, around 240 pounds.

there's a feeling i want to describe as control but that i think is more accurately described as relief--it was around the time i realized people were child free that i felt this choke hold i didn't know i was feeling loosen. i felt able to make decisions about my life again. i felt powerful to create my life. i actually looked forward to life--a full life unto death--again for the first time in a while.

i know there are women who "have it all" and have kids and careers. i think they are inspirational, and thank them for demonstrating what is possible. i know that adoption is a long and arduous process that is difficult on the heart and not an easy, flippant alternative or back up plan. i know that sterilization is not condoned by the church and if i went that route i would have to keep that secret potentially the rest of my life if i decide to stay active in mormonism.

i know all of this and i'm starting to learn about options. just LEARNING about possibilities makes me feel calm and empowered. there is good research, a lot of it anecdotal. there is also a lack of research, like, what is the chance of pregnancy if both partners are sterilized?

and so i press on and see what there is because after i consume everything i can find, after i consider, perhaps for years--perhaps for years and years--all the options, i know one day it will be like a timer will go off and i will know which path to take. and this is the option less traveled by so it's the one occupying my waking and sleeping hours of late.