i wouldn't watch devotional if i didn't get paid to do it, but when the speaker addresses those who are thinking of leaving the church and finally it's a devotional for me.

when my grandma posted on facebook that the colored lights on the white house after the ruling on gay marriage offended her as much as the confederate flag offends "the black population" and that the president needs to have some class... and i realized this is why i haven't really had a meaningful conversation with her in years. and why it feels like she's given up on me. if we try to spend time together i have nothing to say when she spouts shit like this. and why i probably wasn't even invited to the last family reunion.

i spent a lot of time with my dad last week and only had one close call, when he started going on and on about having kids and how it's the only way to reach our full potential in this life. i bought this book and can't decide what to do with it when i finish it--donate it to the library? hand it off to someone in the same boat? we will never be able to be open about not having kids, neither of our families would understand. this is something that haunts me, because it was a couple who was open and matter of fact about their decision that helped me. like, one day when i'm 35 will someone finally ask when we're having kids and we'll have to be like, "yeah we tried, but it didn't work out and we're okay with that"?

my dad also keeps going on recently about how hard it was to give a daughter away and how with daughters and sons it's different because girls are "vulnerable" and need someone to take care of them and provide for them. but that one we can take in stride.

probiotics are the best kept secret.

i am worried about people at the gym judging me.

we have started to dream about where we might eventually end up and settle. maybe california.

i went to see max with my family while i was visiting them, which to me is essentially the definition of true love.

i am learning to come to terms with how much of an asshole i am.

i had two friends get married the same month as me and as of today they are now both divorced. marriage is hard. i think after three years i'm only starting to realize what it means to love selflessly and that i have for three years and perhaps longer been taking way more than i gave. it's quite harrowing. so much goes into it that no other person could ever understand. i'm glad to live in a time where, at least more so than in the past, women can go in and out of marriage with dignity and conscience and in their own way, that marriages can live and die by health and consent.