well, i'm still alive.

portland was wonderful. it was such a dream to be there and very emotional to be back. we spent a few days in the city just the two of us, and then we met my family in my hometown for the wedding festivities. the portland part was lovely and lazy and we loved just going around on public trans and seeing everything. the food was unbelievable. we had a great hotel and when we walked down onto the street, literally there within a block was a variety of amazing restaurants, the art gallery, a park, a plaza, and a movie theater. if only we'd had more time and energy to do more (though, no regrets). the hometown part was crazy and all nerves--lots of family and lots going on. while we were there i was stressing--we were mostly in the hotel or in the middle of family craziness. but when i slowed down and really thought about why i was stressed, i realized i just wanted things to slow down so i could spend time with my family. i realized i could see them all i wanted back home and suddenly being there wasn't even so important any more. it was a little moment of healing and realizing that, while i love where i'm from, home is where my family is, and i'm looking forward to a summer with them.

the sealing was weird. the sealer knew my new sister in law, a lifelong family friend or something, and kept talking about how great she was and how nice it is to appreciate the outdoors--two things that are, to me, really unrelated to getting sealed for all time and eternity, but oh well. i don't think they cared.

really, the whole marriage is kind of weird. my brother has always been an odd man out in our family. very focused on what he wants and often difficult to deal with. we all love him, but there are often abrasive moments between him and each of us. in short... it's been obvious how excited he is to marry into this super chill, super wealthy outdoorsy family and we all kept joking about how happy we are for him that he's found a family he actually likes being in. when we realized we all kind of felt that way it was kind of a relief. i think it's been a really difficult growing time for him and for us, and it's kind of hurt that he so obviously prefers them. but if he is happy and he is making a good step for his life, then that's that. and we were all happy to be there for him. he told me in confidence one time that his bride was livid and losing sleep and worrying that my mom would mess up their wedding (long story....... and a very unfounded fear), and he had told her that he too wished something would happen so the family just wouldn't be able to come to the wedding at all. so you can imagine the tone and how grateful (or not) he seemed to have us there, but maybe some day down the road he will appreciate it, especially when my dad has passed away.

i have to get my wisdom teeth out this summer and i'm pretty much shitting my pants. it'll be fine................ right?

lsat prep is sucking my life away but i wouldn't have it any other way. this is really happening. i can give up a few nights a week and bust my butt for that good score. october seems far away but i know it'll feel like i'm taking the test in no time.

besides l$at cla$$ and wi$dom teeth removal, our $ummer is turning out to be expen$ive. my sister in law just told us a week ago that she's getting married this weekend (yes, two weeks' notice), so dh and i are like, "yeah we're made of money. right? right? totally fine. right?" but i suppose if we're going to have a summer of trips and family this is the summer to do it, what with his student teaching and my disappearance into law school and being poor coming up.

we went to sacrament meeting yesterday. it was the first time i've gone since last summer when we went, i threw up in the middle of the meeting, had a panic attack, and cried for half an hour. so... i was just hoping i could get through it. sacrament meeting was okay, but the bishopric's eyes were def on us. then we went to do our calling and this lady (librarian from a different ward in our building) gave us a passive aggressive but very spirited lecture about how we should be going to class and we shouldn't have temple recommends if we aren't going to class and blah blah blah whatever else HER bishop and OUR stake president had told her. (obviously, as you can tell, she is so righteous. we couldn't figure out why she was acting SO WEIRD to us when she would come into the library and we were there, but she made it clear that it's because she is judging us to kolob and back that we are there in the library instead of in class). so that was... horrible. and we thought we were finally making friends, but i don't think we'll be hanging around her any more.

then after she went off we left and came home and had a major vent session about how horrible it all is. dh says he just feels like it is all crap. like if these social issues are happening and there was true revelation there would be no issue--the church would just receive new revelation. most of my grievances are still social--that, in a nutshell, some people in the church can all do the most terrible things and get away with it because they're "good" people who are just doing "what they think is right." but we both have to get through it, at least for a few more years. we could both lose our jobs if our bishop decided to go up against us (which he has hinted that he would) and i could potentially lose law school and dh could lose the degree he is already almost finished with. so we are scared. but we have to go. somehow we have to get through it.