dear brother:

so. you're going to have a baby. i dreamt about you and your probably weeks old child last night after you called me to let me know. you may or may not ask me at this big turning point in your life why i haven't had kids; i could see it being something you would ask. we come from very different points of view in life right now, and in case you ask, i want to write out my thoughts first and give you an answer that is kind to both of us.

there is a reason dh and i aren't having kids right now (and it's not that we're selfish). for me, it is a matter of responsibility, which breaks into two basic parts.

the first one is the responsibility of providing for a child. i don't want to be boring and talk about the economy, but that stuff is real. it is really important to me to be secure financially--even if that security was just a stable plan--and to be secure in my marriage before having kids. i'm a very independent person and believe self efficiency, in every way, is more important than almost anything. beyond physical needs, there is a voyage of going from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife and it begins, not ends, on your wedding day. it also comes at a steep cost which many find worth it, but not all. while i have learned and am learning better than to judge any person and their choice, it has been a powerful experience for me to realize that as an empowered and secure woman in my mid-twenties on her way to law school, i don't feel ready, and that surely that must mean there are a grand host of to-be parents who weren't ready and--for belief or for duty or for religion or for whatever reason--decided to press on and be parents. it's easy to say that a person can't ever be ready to have kids and that it's just a step you take. but i think there's a difference between i don't know if i'm ready and i am NOT ready, which is what i feel. which leads me into my next point.

the second one is a responsibility of providing for myself. when i got married, people--especially people in the church--started treating me differently. it's extremely hard to explain it, but one good example of it is that if someone in the ward had a question for me, they would ask sam rather than getting in touch with me. there was an unspoken understanding that he was now in charge of me, but that wasn't how our relationship was and i hadn't consented to it. in general, people were treating me in a way that i hadn't consented to be treated. honestly, it was shattering and sent me into depression. i was the same person as i was the day before i got married, but now it was like i lived in a different universe. people i had never discussed cooking with were asking me what i was making for dinner. it caused me to reevaluate everything and is what led me to be a feminist. one of those expected things was having kids. i was suddenly expected to adore kids, want kids, talk about kids all the time, and be crazy about kids, make the focus of everything i did being a mom--which i wasnt--and i didn't feel that way. it made me realize that my agency is important.

when i imagine explaining this to you in person i imagine you replying with: "that's sad." that the husband is the head of the household and that there are certain implications of getting married. you are of a very conservative vein and if that works for you, that is great. but for me personally, it was the only way to be true to how i felt about myself and how i thought god felt about me. you might say that having children is a temple covenant and the only way to self actualization. i would reply that there are many, many things we don't know about temple covenants and that there are innumerable ways to give service in this life. after all, those who are becoming dads and especially moms are often then not becoming doctors, humanitarian workers, lawyers, scientists, astrologists, engineers, authors,  theologians, and politicians.

this would be the end of my spiel. there are some things i won't say to you. to be frank, you seem to have married into money so i'm guessing money isn't an issue for you. but with only one semester of college, no career plans, and a partner who isn't nearly finished with school and will need further schooling to work in her field, i am concerned for what may be your decreased opportunities. i mean, for heaven's sake, the two of you haven't paid rent a single day of your marriage yet. especially in a feminist relationship with both partners on board, certainly school is very doable and financial security is (hopefully) attainable even with kids. but something i learned the hard way is that even a small decision drastically changes your entire life, and you can never go back. in this situation you've chosen, you will have to fight hard, and i know you will. but it is already such a hard battle to have kids. you have to provide emotionally. i am worried that your new marriage--you've only been married for three months and things may seem great but you can't understand what will come.

i told you on the phone how excited i was for you, and i meant it. i've had a hard time saying that to our cousins, especially, because it wasn't true at all. but i could hear the excitement in your voice. i hope everything works out and you have this joy, if it's what you want. i'm sure mom will be excited. it is weird to have a flurry of life happening right after dad's passing, with an engagement and now a baby. but we press on and perhaps that is the best way to honor him. everyone deserves their agency, and you deserve anything that will make you happy.