updates

despite the frenchman's lip service, things are still shitty. my job is changing once again despite my protestation and him saying we would do whatever i want and that i know best. guess whose plans we're going with? le douche's. i just got out of a meeting with him where his final soliloquy was about: "i know megan likes to bottle things up." he literally said that to me, multiple times. a of all, why are you talking to me about me in the third person. b of all, you think i like this? really? ...really? really you think this is for fun? c of all, f you. that is his favorite way to end our meetings, by telling me about me to demonstrate his superior and quick knowledge of me and that i'm so safe with him. which is... basely demoralizing and patronizing. so i'm making a promise to myself right now that next time he does it i will close the door and say:

"i find that kind of patronizing. i've been through a lot here and continue to do what you all ask me, often against my own judgement. that's a high level of respect and professionalism that i hold myself to, it's not me being stand off-ish. if you would like my opinion you just need to do is ask."

i am going to practice saying it.

christmas break was a revelation; it was so relaxing and nice.

my brother got married and the whole family was pretty sad. i got the impression that my brother's new in laws didn't really appreciate my dad overshadowing the entire wedding, but they don't really get a say and girl knew what she was marrying into. at the wedding luncheon they had the parents and bride and groom sit at the front table and there were two chairs for my parents. they never mentioned it to my mom and also didn't talk to her about it when we all got there. it was... insensitive. so we sent another brother up to sit with my mom to which the mother in law was peeved. which... again, she doesn't get a vote. but we made it through and it was okay.

also during the break i cut off my own hair. i was planning to go into a stylist forever but time and small chat and money and blah. so i chopped it. to me it kind of looks a little like lord farquaad. and i know the back is a little messed up. but it looks great in a ponytail and honestly it was so refreshing to just chop it off. so refreshing. it's probably taking self sufficiency/being independent too far, but for now it's great.

this is a pretty accurate depiction of me now:


then i went to joy and jennifer lawrence cut off her own hair too and i was like, 'omg i get that and i love jennifer lawrence way too much.' i don't think i've ever told anyone, but i cried when she got her oscar. i don't even know why. and that doesn't relate to anything.

over the break we also started, for lack of a better word, renovating our apartment. out with the old, in with the new. kind of. a lot of it is getting rearranged. which is the best thing we've done in a long time. last night we posted our couch to craigslist and some byu freshmen guys picked it up and they were so excited. i don't know why but that gave me so much happiness. it was like the circle of life--our kind of ugly but good couch went to a better cause and we just clicked with them. it was fun and now we have tons more space in our living room. also i know ikea has a reputation for cheap "college furniture" but honestly it's making all my dreams come true right now.

i rejoined ymf and joined fmh and it has been great, very stimulating. i enjoy online communities and can get a lot out of them, but am learning not to take them too seriously at the same time (in terms of it being, sometimes, a popularity contest and not quite a real life community). currently i'm finding a lot of great resources/information that way, which i've enjoyed.

next week i turn 26. it's kind of freaking me out. like, i thought i was 22? i feel like the last four years of my life have been a giant blur, not in a good way. but it also feels good, like, i'm still plugging along and i'm making it. it's been a hard year but so much changed for the good.