wow, what a week.

last saturday dh arranged for my mom to come down for my birthday and we spent the morning together. which was fantastic, because i have been feeling so estranged from her. we talked about so many things i needed to talk about, especially dad. we also talked about work and kids and all the things that weigh on my mind. she pressed me again about having kids, just wanting me to tell her what i really thought. and i did, said that we don't want them and thank you for asking me about it and understanding. she said, "of course. i wouldn't want you to feel like such an important part of your life had to be secret."

buuut the day started out like this:

mom: so when are you quitting your job.
me: uh.. i'm not?
mom: yeah you are. pick a date that you're going to quit. you could give them notice on monday, a present to yourself!!!
me: laughs awkwardly
mom: pick a date. what date would you pick
me, laughing awkwardly: ok... the end of february.
mom: that's two months from now!!!! no, how about, you just walk in on monday and quit.
me, starting to lose my shit but smiling: laughs awkwardly

this went on for a while. she wouldn't let it go and i felt like breaking down in the middle of guru's. finally i said "ok" to giving notice on monday because wow i needed that to be done. i felt so awful because of course i want to quit but you can't just quit your job and give up half your income and take a gap in employment and have to explain to future employers why you literally quit. the biggest reason i wasn't leaving is i hadn't found something already so i had no reason to think i would magically find a job once i made the rash choice to literally just quit something. quite the opposite. and THEN i was feeling guilty because i was thinking things like, "mom you have barely ever worked you just don't get things like this." which is extremely condescending and horrible.

so the day got a lot better but of course monday morning came. right away in the first business hour i got rejections for the two jobs i applied to over the weekend, one for each women's group on campus. total, immediate rejections. i had spent the weekend convinced that this was the end, that i was going to move to part time work for efforts that i really, really cared about. this was the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter of peace, of working in a space where no one would demoralize me, where i could work for what i believe in, where i could actually change my life. i was more than convinced, i was actually happy coming to work monday morning. i was fucking peaceful. i had talked to dh about an arrangement with the car so that if they wanted me to go in for an interview that same day i could.

so this is the cliff i fell from. then i realized that i needed to text my mom. i started drafting something, but i knew it would be a terrible fight. right in the middle of this she texts me and tells me that when we're trying to do something heavenly father wants us to do satan will try really hard to make us fear and not do it. sooooooooooo it was news to me that god wanted me to quit my job (what's that thing about how you can't receive revelation for other people, and why did my mom think she knew this when i didn't??) and that if i didn't do it was submitting to satan (which.. i don't even know what to say about that). my little bit of fury helped me slam the text message out and send it: that i didn't today and never had felt good about quitting my job and sorry, i wasn't quitting today.

so, i have no idea what kind of terms we're on.

but the day went on and i just spiraled. work was rough anyway and the epic, utter weight of my failure in this job and in my job search fell on me. i genuinely felt like there was no point to anything. i won't go into those thoughts but suffice to say that i have never felt that helpless. yes there is law school on the horizon but not only was my application not as strong as i hoped but also.. that is a ton of debt to maybe become a lawyer and the fear is real. so basically i had no life plan, haven't been able to improve my life after coming out of depression, and what is the point anyway? when i got home i had a panic attack but then things got calm.

depression is funny because afterward you remember a sense of what you felt like and you can remember some things you thought but once you're out of it it's like you're in a difference universe.

tuesday was almost as bad and then wednesday night i got a call for an interview. (i had hit the applications hard and gave it all i've got.) and while i was on the phone with them i got a call for another interview. i went to both interviews yesterday and held nothing back.

i've also delved into volunteer research. i've been wanting to get involved in something so badly. i perused volunteer match, which i haven't always had great success with, but i found two really good opportunities. one is writing press releases and one is with a crisis group in provo. i'm nervous and have such a deep desire but feel kind of paralyzed, but i've begun to recognize that feeling and that some of my best work/risks/moves have been when i've felt like that. so i'm diving in and hope it will begin a long life of giving back, especially when i'm in such a fortunate place with a good support system and a good financial situation.

so today, i feel good. i'm taking a half day and wow it couldn't have come soon enough. the interviews went well and we'll see what happens. i've wanted change for so long. when you look at the life of someone is really accomplished, even someone who has changed the world, it almost never happens overnight. there is also a period of intense struggle and unremarkable work. so even though i've kept telling myself that i can't have everything overnight, that i have to pay my dues, i haven't seen the other side of the tunnel until now. and that is a good feeling.