the same girl in my office who bitched the whole election that all democrats are on welfare and ruining the country = she, and her husband, just got approved for medicaid (she will tell anyone who even brushes the topic).
i couldn't care less, but i hope she knows she should be eating her words.
the only time i have been mad at god
i am not someone who is often asking myself, 'why would god do this?' of the 'why do bad things happen to good people?' variety. that has never really been my faith crisis, and i've always been willing to suspend conclusion and keep looking for an answer that fits the personality of what i believe is a teaching, compassionate god with interworking plans that span world history. but last year when i got married i was having a really hard time. female sexuality is not talked about by the lds community. after being married, i was quickly becoming a more involved feminist, and sex was not helping. the thing that really killed me is that sex seemed to end with male orgasm. when the man is done, it is done with, no matter where the woman is at. i found this highly unfair and besides trying to figure out sex in the first place, i was struggling with added feelings that this only reaffirms the attitude some church members have about chastity (sex is dirty; desire should be strongly tethered and sexual exploration, even in marriage, can be devastating and therefore should be avoided to also avoid the chance) and what sex is for (making babies, right?? so who cares of women are satisfied?). i was furious about this. i was mad at heavenly father. looking back, maybe this is unfair, because while he has a body, i don't believe he designed our bodies--i assume he got his from parents that looked like him as well, and that the body is a long perfected design. but it deepened my fears that women's individuation (especially in stride with the individuation of men), to use a jungian term, is not important to eternity, heaven, or to god. having biology and eternal design against you are pretty hefty set backs.
i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.
i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.
scripture study
i have two brothers on missions right now, both stateside. one of them has been using facebook his entire mission, by decision of his mission president, but the other is now coming online as per the big announcement that missionaries will begin using much more media.
the second brother just accepted my friend request (as suggested by my mom) today, and he immediately added all of us--his parents and us five kids--to a secret group called 'family scripture study return and report'. i. love. it. i want to read my scriptures for the first time in years. i don't know why it seems so engaging, and maybe it's just that i miss connecting with him, and with us all as a family, but it feels so special.
this brother and i haven't gotten along well in the past. he is a headstrong and exceptional jock and i am an intellectual. we always butted heads growing up, at each others' throats. he is becoming such an incredible man, and we have grown very close. maybe closer than i am with my other siblings.
today i'm grateful for him, and i thin i'm going to read my scriptures tonight.
the second brother just accepted my friend request (as suggested by my mom) today, and he immediately added all of us--his parents and us five kids--to a secret group called 'family scripture study return and report'. i. love. it. i want to read my scriptures for the first time in years. i don't know why it seems so engaging, and maybe it's just that i miss connecting with him, and with us all as a family, but it feels so special.
this brother and i haven't gotten along well in the past. he is a headstrong and exceptional jock and i am an intellectual. we always butted heads growing up, at each others' throats. he is becoming such an incredible man, and we have grown very close. maybe closer than i am with my other siblings.
today i'm grateful for him, and i thin i'm going to read my scriptures tonight.
maiden name
whenever my maiden name shows up around the office, my boss always points it out to me.
each day every employee fills out a little report of what their work hours went to that day (so we can charge customers accordingly). literally my first day back after my honeymoon, my boss brings my report back to me and showed me that my "old" name was on it... which i didn't appreciate. i know he was trying to help me and thought i had forgotten, but it was very much on purpose and it's not really his business. what if i wasn't changing my name? that would have been awkward. being that it is a legal document, i put my then-legal name on it (and i didn't end up officially changing my name for several months).
it's been a year and this still happens. earlier this week we were scheduling some online reports. our work email addresses are firstname_lastname@-. i have arranged with tech support to have both the emails for my maiden name and married name to come to me since people know me in my professional life by both names. the form required an email, and i put in my maiden name email address. "op!! you put in your old name! was it just out of habit?" my boss said as soon as i had done it. in the past i have laughed it off, but this time i said something like, 'i don't think it really matters.' he then made some joke about me still trying out my new last name and not being sure if i will keep it. (leave-your-husband / husband-as a-trial-product jokes got old about...... a year ago.)
i know he means well, but i am both girls, and it's just not his business.
each day every employee fills out a little report of what their work hours went to that day (so we can charge customers accordingly). literally my first day back after my honeymoon, my boss brings my report back to me and showed me that my "old" name was on it... which i didn't appreciate. i know he was trying to help me and thought i had forgotten, but it was very much on purpose and it's not really his business. what if i wasn't changing my name? that would have been awkward. being that it is a legal document, i put my then-legal name on it (and i didn't end up officially changing my name for several months).
it's been a year and this still happens. earlier this week we were scheduling some online reports. our work email addresses are firstname_lastname@-. i have arranged with tech support to have both the emails for my maiden name and married name to come to me since people know me in my professional life by both names. the form required an email, and i put in my maiden name email address. "op!! you put in your old name! was it just out of habit?" my boss said as soon as i had done it. in the past i have laughed it off, but this time i said something like, 'i don't think it really matters.' he then made some joke about me still trying out my new last name and not being sure if i will keep it. (leave-your-husband / husband-as a-trial-product jokes got old about...... a year ago.)
i know he means well, but i am both girls, and it's just not his business.
pps
my calling is to serve on the relief society activities committee, which i can say i have done faithfully, even with not being very active myself and even though i dislike the girl who used to be the head.
last winter we had a dinner/socialize activity. i had miraculously struck up conversation with this girl who self-identified as a feminist (it was a really great conversation and she started going on about the media, but looked a little lost when i started talking about gender roles, so i think we were disconnecting on what kind of feminists we are haha) and we talked for a while. in the kitchen afterward the head of the committee and i were cleaning up and she said, as though she was talking to a child, 'see, even you found someone to talk to!'
yeah, that happened.
she also wanted to have an activity every couple of weeks, even though the handbook and bishop say we only need to have them once a semester. for a three person committee in a VERY social and active ward, i felt like this was super overkill, especially when she wanted to have a dinner or some kind of food every time. she also was insistent that we have our planning meetings on sunday even though when she asked my opinion i was honest and open and said that i dislike piling meetings on sundays and prefer to have them during the week so i can better observe the sabbath. she insisted she had literally no time during the week for a half hour meeting and asked me again if i would mind having them on sunday even though i just told her i did. she also planned two separate temple trips with two different breakfasts provided (again, three person committe and the other lady didn't come) because one sister said she couldn't come. she then coordinated for the sisters who went on one trip to watch the kids of the women who went on the other, because apparently there is a mistrust of some of the brethren in the ward. i asked why the women couldn't ask their husbands to stay home with the kids, and she kind of looked at me like i was an alien. she said she wanted to guarantee that every woman could go, and i suggested that in the rare chance that their husbands couldn't 'watch' the kids, that they arrange for their own babysitters, and she continued to get reeeeally awkward.
when is too much too much?
last winter we had a dinner/socialize activity. i had miraculously struck up conversation with this girl who self-identified as a feminist (it was a really great conversation and she started going on about the media, but looked a little lost when i started talking about gender roles, so i think we were disconnecting on what kind of feminists we are haha) and we talked for a while. in the kitchen afterward the head of the committee and i were cleaning up and she said, as though she was talking to a child, 'see, even you found someone to talk to!'
yeah, that happened.
she also wanted to have an activity every couple of weeks, even though the handbook and bishop say we only need to have them once a semester. for a three person committee in a VERY social and active ward, i felt like this was super overkill, especially when she wanted to have a dinner or some kind of food every time. she also was insistent that we have our planning meetings on sunday even though when she asked my opinion i was honest and open and said that i dislike piling meetings on sundays and prefer to have them during the week so i can better observe the sabbath. she insisted she had literally no time during the week for a half hour meeting and asked me again if i would mind having them on sunday even though i just told her i did. she also planned two separate temple trips with two different breakfasts provided (again, three person committe and the other lady didn't come) because one sister said she couldn't come. she then coordinated for the sisters who went on one trip to watch the kids of the women who went on the other, because apparently there is a mistrust of some of the brethren in the ward. i asked why the women couldn't ask their husbands to stay home with the kids, and she kind of looked at me like i was an alien. she said she wanted to guarantee that every woman could go, and i suggested that in the rare chance that their husbands couldn't 'watch' the kids, that they arrange for their own babysitters, and she continued to get reeeeally awkward.
when is too much too much?
ps
i really hate that byu is about numbers in the same way missions are. goals are important but people are more important than numbers. rather than having stimulating, spiritual lessons on visiting/home teaching to improve the testimony of it in the ward and to spur people on naturally, i feel like wards often default to pressuring individuals with stupid play-dumb questions (thus forcing people who just don't care to make up ridiculous excuses) and incessant reminders, which is too bad.
fellowship
apparently you have to be careful what you blog, even if it's a secret blog. we have definitely gotten on our ward's radar somehow. this mostly shows up through well meaning men who mainly know my husband, as i've mentioned before, but yesterday after church a sister flagged me down. (made the mistake of lingering too long.) she asked if i got the visiting teaching slip on my door (i kind of played dumb to demonstrate that i don't really care, which maybe was not the best) and told me my partner got switched and it would be out next week and blah blah something.
i was surprised when she asked me how i was and said she hadn't seen me around much. i recognized her but had talked to her maybe once. she was nice and asked where i work, what we have been up to, etc.
i know these are the interactions i've been wondering about, wondering why no one cared. one guy in particular has always checked up on us since we moved in, and we feel genuinely trusting of him. this woman, too, seemed genuinely interested in my answers, but i just can't help feel that she's in the rs presidency or somehow otherwise got a disproportionate amount of info about us (again, i had talked to her maybe once or twice). i'm torn. they obviously are realizing we're not around (even though it's been a while), but i know i am about as socially particular as you can get. i want them to care, but i don't really want to be friends with them (again, why do you have to be bfffffs with everyone in your ward at byu? seriously, it's ok if we don't hang out all the time, and we can still be polite and caring without having to have movie nights), and they need to be genuine but if i don't know them and they ask then it seems in-genuine. i know i'm self deconstructing and i don't really know what to think.
the bishop is coming to meet with us on thursday (during zumba, but whatevs). i've been thinking a lot about how it will go. did someone tell him when he became bishop recently that we are MIA? did he crack down on taking roll and finding people and is that why everyone is realizing all of the sudden? is he going to be straight up with us? if he straight up asks us what's up, will i tell him about how fake it feels and how big of a problem polygamy is and that i'm looking to revitalize my testimony but not interested in being 'fellow-shipped' because it won't work on me? is talking with my priesthood leaders about my doubts the right thing to do, or is it a personal journey i need to take alone?
i don't really know. it will be interesting to see what he says.
also that is the night before we leave on our big anniversary trip, so if he tells us we're getting kicked out of byu or something, it's going to be a real killjoy.
also, someone mentioned that our home teachers have tried to get in touch with us by 'coming by' the apartment in the evening (another huge byu pet peeve--why can you seriously not call our phones or email? it doesn't make you less righteous) but we are home most evenings and they haven't. that was a little ridiculous.
the bishop is coming to meet with us on thursday (during zumba, but whatevs). i've been thinking a lot about how it will go. did someone tell him when he became bishop recently that we are MIA? did he crack down on taking roll and finding people and is that why everyone is realizing all of the sudden? is he going to be straight up with us? if he straight up asks us what's up, will i tell him about how fake it feels and how big of a problem polygamy is and that i'm looking to revitalize my testimony but not interested in being 'fellow-shipped' because it won't work on me? is talking with my priesthood leaders about my doubts the right thing to do, or is it a personal journey i need to take alone?
i don't really know. it will be interesting to see what he says.
also that is the night before we leave on our big anniversary trip, so if he tells us we're getting kicked out of byu or something, it's going to be a real killjoy.
also, someone mentioned that our home teachers have tried to get in touch with us by 'coming by' the apartment in the evening (another huge byu pet peeve--why can you seriously not call our phones or email? it doesn't make you less righteous) but we are home most evenings and they haven't. that was a little ridiculous.
heart, don't fail me now
i am terrified i am going to have a heart attack. sometimes i think about it night and day.
so why is it so. damn. hard. to get off my butt and exercise?
so why is it so. damn. hard. to get off my butt and exercise?
riding in cars with boys
upon my promotion my supervisor, a 60 year old man with a wife and kids, advised me to attend devotional, a once a week meeting put on by the university. he said he would offer to give me a ride, but he felt uncomfortable doing so. i was fine with it (i'd rather go alone anyway) and admired him not for his opinion but for being so upfront and not awkward about it.
today we were going to visit another department on campus. he drove us there. he was very uncomfortable, and did his best to make what he saw as an extremely awkward situation seem less awkward. it reminded me of the stories of byu grads acting so weird about going on work lunches with female coworkers or supervisors, or even refusing to go. maybe his wife has insecurities, or maybe it's a personal standard for him to not be alone with women, but it made me sad. i feel like as long as i'm in working in such an intensely lds community, and relationships are hyper sexualized, associating with me will be "unsafe" or inappropriate for some of my coworkers.
i am young(er) and a woman, but i am, mind you, a full time, well established, married, well praised employee with great professionalism.
(also, mind you, i have had some normal and really wonderful interactions with married men at work.)
there are other awkward moments. i don't know if it's the feminist hammer in me looking to hit nails, or if it's really there--either way, it's real to me. if i need to reexplain something to a business partner or technician, the older men i work with will often cut in to speak for me (every time). if we're working with people we don't usually work with, they sometimes speak for me entirely and reference me (standing right there). i have to cut to the front of the line if we're having a lunch meeting (all guys except me) and am always being told that if i need help lifting or moving something, just to call. maybe i have chub but i still have arms. when asked about my personal life, i am usually asked about my husband's hobbies/plans for school/future and not my own.
i can live with it. but it's always creeping around.
today we were going to visit another department on campus. he drove us there. he was very uncomfortable, and did his best to make what he saw as an extremely awkward situation seem less awkward. it reminded me of the stories of byu grads acting so weird about going on work lunches with female coworkers or supervisors, or even refusing to go. maybe his wife has insecurities, or maybe it's a personal standard for him to not be alone with women, but it made me sad. i feel like as long as i'm in working in such an intensely lds community, and relationships are hyper sexualized, associating with me will be "unsafe" or inappropriate for some of my coworkers.
i am young(er) and a woman, but i am, mind you, a full time, well established, married, well praised employee with great professionalism.
(also, mind you, i have had some normal and really wonderful interactions with married men at work.)
there are other awkward moments. i don't know if it's the feminist hammer in me looking to hit nails, or if it's really there--either way, it's real to me. if i need to reexplain something to a business partner or technician, the older men i work with will often cut in to speak for me (every time). if we're working with people we don't usually work with, they sometimes speak for me entirely and reference me (standing right there). i have to cut to the front of the line if we're having a lunch meeting (all guys except me) and am always being told that if i need help lifting or moving something, just to call. maybe i have chub but i still have arms. when asked about my personal life, i am usually asked about my husband's hobbies/plans for school/future and not my own.
i can live with it. but it's always creeping around.
doubts 3
- how the church approaches gay issues. out of my college group of friends, all of the guys i knew have came out over time as gay. i have seen church leaders and members, on a large and small scale level, treat this issue with tenderness and compassion; however, i have heard some members imply that being gay is a fad and 'the rise' in the number of gay people has come from that fad. it seems to me that discussion on a national level has made it ok to talk about, and i suspect there has always been a strain of self-silencing gay lds members. one of those friends who has come out as being gay is the most upstanding, worthy priesthood holder i know, and he has worked to have more of a relationship with his heavenly father and savior than most people i know.
i respect the church's right to make statements on moral issues. however, the US constitution is clear that discrimination based on gender, of which sexuality is an integral part, is clearly unconstitutional and inappropriate. i believe very firmly in the separation of church and state. i don't believe the U.S. is a mormon or even a christian nation, despite their claims to founding or even being the reason for why the country was founded. (i think what really happened is that more people were looking for economic freedom than religious freedom... not to mention the founding fathers were deists, not christian.) it makes me feel very concerned as an lds member, historian, and critical thinker that any U.S. congregation would fail to see this in the constitution it holds dear, even the constitution that grants them religious freedom, and sometimes i think they are the ones who are trampling on it.
i respect the church's right to make statements on moral issues. however, the US constitution is clear that discrimination based on gender, of which sexuality is an integral part, is clearly unconstitutional and inappropriate. i believe very firmly in the separation of church and state. i don't believe the U.S. is a mormon or even a christian nation, despite their claims to founding or even being the reason for why the country was founded. (i think what really happened is that more people were looking for economic freedom than religious freedom... not to mention the founding fathers were deists, not christian.) it makes me feel very concerned as an lds member, historian, and critical thinker that any U.S. congregation would fail to see this in the constitution it holds dear, even the constitution that grants them religious freedom, and sometimes i think they are the ones who are trampling on it.
the white stuff
i tried to be good and wear my garments from the get go today. then we started moving around tons of shiz to send to DI and i just couldn't do it. 95+ degrees outside, and i don't glisten, i practically bleed sweat, from everywhere. i changed out of them in order to help my husband happily and with a little less feeling that i was going to die.
i have seen it mentioned online before that the garments are impractical for saints who live in hot climates. this had me thinking africa, but even here in utah it has been 100+ degree weather, and we have no a/c so there is no relief.
i don't mean to make excuses for myself. but i do feel less than happy about garments this summer. sometimes i feel i can respect my garments more by not wearing them when i'm exercising or even when walking outside can cause me to be drenched in sweat, by not ruining them and resenting them.
i tried, and it didn't pan out.
i have seen it mentioned online before that the garments are impractical for saints who live in hot climates. this had me thinking africa, but even here in utah it has been 100+ degree weather, and we have no a/c so there is no relief.
i don't mean to make excuses for myself. but i do feel less than happy about garments this summer. sometimes i feel i can respect my garments more by not wearing them when i'm exercising or even when walking outside can cause me to be drenched in sweat, by not ruining them and resenting them.
i tried, and it didn't pan out.
daycare
i recently got an excellent job in a place i vowed i would leave as soon as i could. my husband is still in school and will someday soon start looking for teaching jobs.
all i can think, on the tailend of my promotion high, is that i want to keep the job as long as i can. the benefits are sensational. but kids are on the horizon. i have heard women in my family (even my mom) and in my husband's family speak poorly of my aunt and aunt-in-law for choosing to work (even if it is part time) while they have young kids. it is unfair to the kids, it is unfair to the husbands and prevents them from fulfilling their role to provide, it is not necessary--these are the things they say.
all i can think, though, is how doable it is. i find myself thinking things like, 'we can plan the baby so i have it in june or july, and my husband will be able to stay home in the school year off season and care for our child in the first few months before they can go into daycare.' i never thought i'd be a daycare mom, and it is definitely not what i was raised to do.
i am amazed by and grateful for my husband's support but more importantly for his respect toward me to make the decision i feel is best for me, and his willingness to trade off staying at home.
still, we are both increasingly terrified of having children. so maybe i don't need to stress about it just yet.
all i can think, on the tailend of my promotion high, is that i want to keep the job as long as i can. the benefits are sensational. but kids are on the horizon. i have heard women in my family (even my mom) and in my husband's family speak poorly of my aunt and aunt-in-law for choosing to work (even if it is part time) while they have young kids. it is unfair to the kids, it is unfair to the husbands and prevents them from fulfilling their role to provide, it is not necessary--these are the things they say.
all i can think, though, is how doable it is. i find myself thinking things like, 'we can plan the baby so i have it in june or july, and my husband will be able to stay home in the school year off season and care for our child in the first few months before they can go into daycare.' i never thought i'd be a daycare mom, and it is definitely not what i was raised to do.
i am amazed by and grateful for my husband's support but more importantly for his respect toward me to make the decision i feel is best for me, and his willingness to trade off staying at home.
still, we are both increasingly terrified of having children. so maybe i don't need to stress about it just yet.
changing the face of lds doubt
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&
this nyt article went live today and spread like wildfire.
i am humbled by how timely it is, and how much an answer to my worries it is.
it has become evident to me as i have struggled that feminists are targeted as a doubting group in the church, specifically women in their 20s and 30s. i feel that members of all ages and both sexes have dismissed this anguished, communal expression of doubts as "simply" feminist or gay issues and easily dismissed.
when an area authority is coming forward stronger than most, it changes the game. and it is not only a young mormon feminist issue.
i fear that the mainstream lds response to this will be to quote the scripture that says that in the last days even many of the elite will be lead away. followed by a tidy dismissal of those who doubt as doomed in holy writ and in god's eyes.
the last few days my biggest question has been, WHY will no one TALK about this?
will the church really send doubters away, even when many are expressing honest concern and an honest desire to find healing within the gospel? will they really send no one for us?
this nyt article went live today and spread like wildfire.
i am humbled by how timely it is, and how much an answer to my worries it is.
it has become evident to me as i have struggled that feminists are targeted as a doubting group in the church, specifically women in their 20s and 30s. i feel that members of all ages and both sexes have dismissed this anguished, communal expression of doubts as "simply" feminist or gay issues and easily dismissed.
when an area authority is coming forward stronger than most, it changes the game. and it is not only a young mormon feminist issue.
i fear that the mainstream lds response to this will be to quote the scripture that says that in the last days even many of the elite will be lead away. followed by a tidy dismissal of those who doubt as doomed in holy writ and in god's eyes.
the last few days my biggest question has been, WHY will no one TALK about this?
will the church really send doubters away, even when many are expressing honest concern and an honest desire to find healing within the gospel? will they really send no one for us?
lds yw survey
the employees i supervise are all girls, have all worked there a long time (therefore they are all good friends, or frenemies), and all very traditionally lds young women (college aged). on friday one girl started talking about the survey at http://ldsywsurvey.wordpress.com/ because it appeared in her facebook feed after another woman posted it with the simple endorsement, 'yep.'
because we are very close in age, i used to be friends with these girls even though i was their supervisor. i made the mistake of giving them a lot of access to me through social media, and through that i'm sure they learned that i support obama (facebook), am a feminist but am not outspoken about it (blog), and a number of other things i know they would find "stupid" and "dumb". (they have all since been carefully cut out of that inclusion.) anyway, this is all to say that i have no doubt that these things, along with that i expect them to be on time and be proactive at work, among other things, lead them to stop asking me about my opinions, or including me in conversations. so i only overhear the things they say.
to my surprise (and relief?) at first i thought this girl was expressing serious concern about some of the issues raised by the survey. her coworker and another of my employees even recommended to her the two trees theory (with a very poor explanation) and said it was a great read. however, they then both began going on about how the survey manipulates readers into picking a certain answer, how "stupid" mormon feminism is, how "stupid" it is that women feel unequal, and that people who feel this way are just "too hard to please." on the question about feeling unworthy to attend the temple while on your period there was about five minutes of "oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooosh who even thiiiiiinks of these things. seeeeeeriously?"
this is nothing new for me to hear from them. while there are definitely problems with the survey, it acknowledges a number of women in the church who have a very real struggle with these doubts (and even suggests problems are planted in yw). i don't often expect to agree with these girls anymore, though, because they are, after all, the girls who believe being gay is a choice made out of sexual boredom and also that all democrats are on welfare and are leeches (i am somewhat a democrat and neither, and i know more young republican married couples with children on welfare than anyone else.)
i hurt for this girl. she married last year to a pre med student, got pregnant while on birth control, lost the baby due to a number of his health issues. while pregnant she talked incessantly of how grateful she was to know there was a baby in her and that she wasn't just "getting fat," how "fat" she felt, and that she "can't wait for this baby thing to be done so i can lose the weight." her husband treats her like a toddler--while she was pregnant and in her post-pregnancy sickness, he has often come to the desk where we work, given her food, and refused to leave until he saw that she began eating it. he has confronted me and yelled at me while at work, in front of my employees and superiors, because i attempted to discipline her for severe attendance problems. she talks extensively about what life will be like while he goes through med school and residency and what her responsibilities will be keeping the house running--singlehandedly.
and she doesn't feel under thumb?
many lds women will pass/have passed through life completely content with traditional lds values and gender roles. sometimes i envy them--so easy, and they seem genuinely happy to do it. but the minute they say a different woman's struggle is "stupid" is the minute i go stiff in my office chair.
it makes me wonder if they know how i feel and don't care, or if they really think everyone around them agrees with them.
because we are very close in age, i used to be friends with these girls even though i was their supervisor. i made the mistake of giving them a lot of access to me through social media, and through that i'm sure they learned that i support obama (facebook), am a feminist but am not outspoken about it (blog), and a number of other things i know they would find "stupid" and "dumb". (they have all since been carefully cut out of that inclusion.) anyway, this is all to say that i have no doubt that these things, along with that i expect them to be on time and be proactive at work, among other things, lead them to stop asking me about my opinions, or including me in conversations. so i only overhear the things they say.
to my surprise (and relief?) at first i thought this girl was expressing serious concern about some of the issues raised by the survey. her coworker and another of my employees even recommended to her the two trees theory (with a very poor explanation) and said it was a great read. however, they then both began going on about how the survey manipulates readers into picking a certain answer, how "stupid" mormon feminism is, how "stupid" it is that women feel unequal, and that people who feel this way are just "too hard to please." on the question about feeling unworthy to attend the temple while on your period there was about five minutes of "oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooosh who even thiiiiiinks of these things. seeeeeeriously?"
this is nothing new for me to hear from them. while there are definitely problems with the survey, it acknowledges a number of women in the church who have a very real struggle with these doubts (and even suggests problems are planted in yw). i don't often expect to agree with these girls anymore, though, because they are, after all, the girls who believe being gay is a choice made out of sexual boredom and also that all democrats are on welfare and are leeches (i am somewhat a democrat and neither, and i know more young republican married couples with children on welfare than anyone else.)
i hurt for this girl. she married last year to a pre med student, got pregnant while on birth control, lost the baby due to a number of his health issues. while pregnant she talked incessantly of how grateful she was to know there was a baby in her and that she wasn't just "getting fat," how "fat" she felt, and that she "can't wait for this baby thing to be done so i can lose the weight." her husband treats her like a toddler--while she was pregnant and in her post-pregnancy sickness, he has often come to the desk where we work, given her food, and refused to leave until he saw that she began eating it. he has confronted me and yelled at me while at work, in front of my employees and superiors, because i attempted to discipline her for severe attendance problems. she talks extensively about what life will be like while he goes through med school and residency and what her responsibilities will be keeping the house running--singlehandedly.
and she doesn't feel under thumb?
many lds women will pass/have passed through life completely content with traditional lds values and gender roles. sometimes i envy them--so easy, and they seem genuinely happy to do it. but the minute they say a different woman's struggle is "stupid" is the minute i go stiff in my office chair.
it makes me wonder if they know how i feel and don't care, or if they really think everyone around them agrees with them.
pressure
my uncle took his own life about a month before i was married in the lds temple. sometimes i feel responsible, wondering if the looming wedding contributed to or catalyzed his decision. it would be a huge family event, maybe hard for him to attend and face everyone as he seriously considered what he would do. he would also be seeing me as his niece, the first grandchild someone he loved, marry into a covenant he may have been doubting. i know he loved me, as he loved all of us, and i wonder what he felt like as we made choices to move forward with religious rites of passage. my mom was reluctant to tell me that tyler expressed doubts, especially in the early teachings of joseph smith and brigham young, teachings which my husband and i find even ourselves disturbed by, by text message right before he passed.
for me to think this is of course ultimately, supremely selfish, to feel guilty or think i may have been indirectly responsible. i have felt this way before, to a lesser degree, when my high school boyfriend told me casually, as we stood at his locker, that his parents were getting divorced. i felt responsible. i worried that i was the straw that tipped the balance. i had changed their son, taken a little away from him, maybe from them. his time and attention. he told me feeling this way was ridiculous, of course.
still, i wonder about my uncle tyler and which doubts spurred him on.
for me to think this is of course ultimately, supremely selfish, to feel guilty or think i may have been indirectly responsible. i have felt this way before, to a lesser degree, when my high school boyfriend told me casually, as we stood at his locker, that his parents were getting divorced. i felt responsible. i worried that i was the straw that tipped the balance. i had changed their son, taken a little away from him, maybe from them. his time and attention. he told me feeling this way was ridiculous, of course.
still, i wonder about my uncle tyler and which doubts spurred him on.
sister missionaries
i have an employee who is now on her mission in korea. she is a great girl and i always connected well with her.
when word was starting to get out around the office that she was going, my supervisor pulled her aside, but i could hear them talking. he told her what a wonderful choice it was, and that serving a mission would make her such a better mother and wife.
i resent this idea so much.
her faith and dedication may make her a better mother and wife (also, why can't she just be a person? not someone's mother or someone's wife, but just herself? women never can), but her mission will not. and it definitely won't inherently make her a better wife or mother than a woman who chose not to go.
when word was starting to get out around the office that she was going, my supervisor pulled her aside, but i could hear them talking. he told her what a wonderful choice it was, and that serving a mission would make her such a better mother and wife.
i resent this idea so much.
her faith and dedication may make her a better mother and wife (also, why can't she just be a person? not someone's mother or someone's wife, but just herself? women never can), but her mission will not. and it definitely won't inherently make her a better wife or mother than a woman who chose not to go.
byu secrets
i hate the byu secrets page. i have read most of not all of the posts on there. it seems that a holistic look at all these posts reveal the admin poster very clearly. this person is clearly:
- a guy.
- gay, or having strong ties to the gay community.
- struggling with his testimony of the gospel.
- had problems with masturbation, or others similar.
- feeling very trapped at byu.
i have no problem with any of these things. i know several guys like this who i care very much for, and who i've known for several years. freak, I relate to most of those things. but it secretly makes me so furious that he is not posting secrets, other than those in a very specific topic range, for people to read. like anything specific to women's struggles. someone asked him why he didn't post more secrets. his reply was that he's at work when he reads them, and also that a lot of them are 'stupid.'
i bet they aren't.
- a guy.
- gay, or having strong ties to the gay community.
- struggling with his testimony of the gospel.
- had problems with masturbation, or others similar.
- feeling very trapped at byu.
i have no problem with any of these things. i know several guys like this who i care very much for, and who i've known for several years. freak, I relate to most of those things. but it secretly makes me so furious that he is not posting secrets, other than those in a very specific topic range, for people to read. like anything specific to women's struggles. someone asked him why he didn't post more secrets. his reply was that he's at work when he reads them, and also that a lot of them are 'stupid.'
i bet they aren't.
doubts 2
- i have absolutely no problem believing god is who he says he is, or that the plan of salvation is true. i know of a surety that if i follow the plan he has prepared, i can become a god like him. the doubt is, what if i don't want to be a god like him?
- when people slam members who commit suicide, it makes me not want to be a part of the church.
- i know god hears me. i know he knows me. i have had very spiritual experiences. so why isn't there more guidance? help sent? why is he so hard to access? how do christians of other denominations say they have such a developed relationship with jesus? they focus on attitude rather than rules but that is the opposite of mormons, and yet they claim better relationships with him. lds people like to say that people who feel the spirit don't know it because they've been feeling it all along. how do you know if you are just not feeling the spirit?
- i think the reason we don't talk about heavenly mother is because there are more than one heavenly mother. people who feel the need to access her, connect with her, see her presence--it makes me sad for these people.
- the church dismisses some of its history as opinions of different brethren. but i also feel in modern they that they present opinions as righteous choices. which one is it?
- when people slam members who commit suicide, it makes me not want to be a part of the church.
- i know god hears me. i know he knows me. i have had very spiritual experiences. so why isn't there more guidance? help sent? why is he so hard to access? how do christians of other denominations say they have such a developed relationship with jesus? they focus on attitude rather than rules but that is the opposite of mormons, and yet they claim better relationships with him. lds people like to say that people who feel the spirit don't know it because they've been feeling it all along. how do you know if you are just not feeling the spirit?
- i think the reason we don't talk about heavenly mother is because there are more than one heavenly mother. people who feel the need to access her, connect with her, see her presence--it makes me sad for these people.
- the church dismisses some of its history as opinions of different brethren. but i also feel in modern they that they present opinions as righteous choices. which one is it?
wandering
i have been a lost sheep for seven months. i think i have been to church three or four times this year 2013. i have never been to all three meetings in 2013. for four months before that it was not as bad but still very spotty. and the summer before that, i was slowly sliding by.
no one, to my knowledge, has come looking for me. the ward sometimes accesses me, but only through my husband. his priesthood leader wants to know if the bishop can come visit our family, for example. (i am never asked.)
but no one is looking for me. it is nice and sad at the same time. no one knows i am inactive except my husband.
no one, to my knowledge, has come looking for me. the ward sometimes accesses me, but only through my husband. his priesthood leader wants to know if the bishop can come visit our family, for example. (i am never asked.)
but no one is looking for me. it is nice and sad at the same time. no one knows i am inactive except my husband.
bald
my dad used to say that god made a few perfect heads, and on the rest he put hair. he has been bald since he was in his 30s.
one day i realized he really only has a receding hairline, he is not bald. so i asked him if his head is only half perfect and we all laughed so hard.
then he got brain cancer and it is just not funny. it's not funny at all. i wish i had never said it.
one day i realized he really only has a receding hairline, he is not bald. so i asked him if his head is only half perfect and we all laughed so hard.
then he got brain cancer and it is just not funny. it's not funny at all. i wish i had never said it.
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