the only time i have been mad at god

i am not someone who is often asking myself, 'why would god do this?' of the 'why do bad things happen to good people?' variety. that has never really been my faith crisis, and i've always been willing to suspend conclusion and keep looking for an answer that fits the personality of what i believe is a teaching, compassionate god with interworking plans that span world history. but last year when i got married i was having a really hard time. female sexuality is not talked about by the lds community. after being married, i was quickly becoming a more involved feminist, and sex was not helping. the thing that really killed me is that sex seemed to end with male orgasm. when the man is done, it is done with, no matter where the woman is at. i found this highly unfair and besides trying to figure out sex in the first place, i was struggling with added feelings that this only reaffirms the attitude some church members have about chastity (sex is dirty; desire should be strongly tethered and sexual exploration, even in marriage, can be devastating and therefore should be avoided to also avoid the chance) and what sex is for (making babies, right?? so who cares of women are satisfied?). i was furious about this. i was mad at heavenly father. looking back, maybe this is unfair, because while he has a body, i don't believe he designed our bodies--i assume he got his from parents that looked like him as well, and that the body is a long perfected design. but it deepened my fears that women's individuation (especially in stride with the individuation of men), to use a jungian term, is not important to eternity, heaven, or to god. having biology and eternal design against you are pretty hefty set backs.

 i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.