fellowship

apparently you have to be careful what you blog, even if it's a secret blog. we have definitely gotten on our ward's radar somehow. this mostly shows up through well meaning men who mainly know my husband, as i've mentioned before, but yesterday after church a sister flagged me down. (made the mistake of lingering too long.) she asked if i got the visiting teaching slip on my door (i kind of played dumb to demonstrate that i don't really care, which maybe was not the best) and told me my partner got switched and it would be out next week and blah blah something.

i was surprised when she asked me how i was and said she hadn't seen me around much. i recognized her but had talked to her maybe once. she was nice and asked where i work, what we have been up to, etc. 

i know these are the interactions i've been wondering about, wondering why no one cared.  one guy in particular has always checked up on us since we moved in, and we feel genuinely trusting of him. this woman, too, seemed genuinely interested in my answers, but i just can't help feel that she's in the rs presidency or somehow otherwise got a disproportionate amount of info about us (again, i had talked to her maybe once or twice). i'm torn. they obviously are realizing we're not around (even though it's been a while), but i know i am about as socially particular as you can get. i want them to care, but i don't really want to be friends with them (again, why do you have to be bfffffs with everyone in your ward at byu? seriously, it's ok if we don't hang out all the time, and we can still be polite and caring without having to have movie nights), and they need to be genuine but if i don't know them and they ask then it seems in-genuine. i know i'm self deconstructing and i don't really know what to think.

the bishop is coming to meet with us on thursday (during zumba, but whatevs). i've been thinking a lot about how it will go. did someone tell him when he became bishop recently that we are MIA? did he crack down on taking roll and finding people and is that why everyone is realizing all of the sudden? is he going to be straight up with us? if he straight up asks us what's up, will i tell him about how fake it feels and how big of a problem polygamy is and that i'm looking to revitalize my testimony but not interested in being 'fellow-shipped' because it won't work on me? is talking with my priesthood leaders about my doubts the right thing to do, or is it a personal journey i need to take alone?

i don't really know. it will be interesting to see what he says.

also that is the night before we leave on our big anniversary trip, so if he tells us we're getting kicked out of byu or something, it's going to be a real killjoy.

also, someone mentioned that our home teachers have tried to get in touch with us by 'coming by' the apartment in the evening (another huge byu pet peeve--why can you seriously not call our phones or email? it doesn't make you less righteous) but we are home most evenings and they haven't. that was a little ridiculous.