doubts

i stumbled across this article which talks about different members of the church. i think i am in the true but not real camp. def inite ly. i am surprised by this because most of the people i saw commenting online say they are in the real but not true camp--they love the lds atmosphere but have problems with doctrine or other theological points.

for me, there are spiritual experiences and a testimony i have that i cannot deny are true. i have felt the spirit and had very special experiences, and i know the gospel is true. however, there is little 'real' about the church to me. i see it as a troubled body of people who i really do not enjoy associating with. this is a very broad statement, and you have to keep in mind that i've spend the last five years in provo, utah, which is the hottest pressure cooker of all mormonland.

i have been spending a lot of time wondering what it really is that is throwing my testimony, and want to make a list of points all in one place that help me gather my thoughts.

- political affiliation. i realize where i am (pressure cooker) but republicans here are very outspoken about how evil obama is, that democrats are not only stupid but unfathomable and everything wrong with this country, that socialism is taking over (seriously, why is capitalism so fucking great?), etc. it is oppressive. i'm not even necessarily a democrat but i disagree with the way lds member associate politics with righteousness, and it makes me dislike members of the church.

-vising teaching. i really, really believe in visiting teaching. i've seen miracles come of it. i would have no problem at all calling up my visiting teacher for help, even if i didn't know her very well. but when they come to my apartment and sit on my couch, i have nothing to say to them. i have a really hard time opening up or connecting. i feel like visiting teaching where i live is more about socializing and girl talk than service and respecting the teachee's time. it's really offputting.

-polygamy. i don't think i really need to explain. my husband and i were just talking about this last night. it seems that the most 'righteous' opinion that can be had toward polygamy is that we will all understand something in the next life and be fine with it. i just don't believe it, and it really complicates my idea of heaven. (actually, it obliterates it.)

-social aspects of church. i really believe church meetings should be about edifying each other. but i don't care what anyone says, those meetings are social events. the saints do need each other and i have no problem with it, except that i have been treated like an outcast when i don't feel up to participating, going to an activity, or chatting it up with someone. i have had many friends at church, and have no problem treating another member i don't know well as a friend in need, but even my closest friends will tell you i'm quiet and keep to myself. i'm tired of being ostracized and even being called selfish for it.

-equality in marriage. the trophy lds marriage is not equal. i NEVER thought this until i was married. i always bought into the 'priesthood is equal to motherhood, they are equal' camp, but i just don't think it's true. fatherhood is equal to motherhood, and the priesthood is its own ballpark. the church was founded around the height of victorian home, which championed this type of marraige, and i fear the church will never grow out of it.

-marriage, again. the lds ideal marriage is one where the wife is a demure and untarnished mother, and where the husband and wife never fight. this is just not real. most lds couples i know say there have been times when it would have been easier to walk away, but they stayed together very deliberately. i think this implies fighting and turmoil. i'm not saying fighting is good for relationships, and healthy conflict resolution is something every couple needs to learn, but i think a relationship in which no fights are had is a relationship in which one partner is submitting to the other, and this is not cool.

-attitudes toward sex. there is so much i could write here. what is taught about sex is not healthy toward men or women, and an astounding number of social, mental, emotional problems ensue.

-a binary approach to morality. 'god cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance'--well, sin is often relative and god also makes it clear that people will not be held accountable for morals they don't understand, and we don't know how that understanding is judged. binary thinking proves really harmful to the human psyche. i can see how sticking to the 100% pure, 100% good all the time mormonism will probably leave you faultless, but those people often hurt other people, and the world is just not 100% pure. it is a very unreal way of thinking.

-parenthood. see above to marriage.

-extreme-ness. this is nonspecific, but i think mormons often vilify things that are not evil. and they take redirection very poorly because their entire moral landscape depends on it. this leads to a misunderstand of sin and of morality, and causes them to hurt people brazenly.

-tradition. i think traditions are good and can bring richness to life. but institutional tradition is very dangerous and i just don't believe in it. i think tradition makes people unable to think for themselves, unable to sympathize or understand others, and, again, causes them to hurt people who don't conform.

-mental health of the lds people. if you look at the statistics, lds people are usually the happiest in the world or the most depressed. the religious code is rigorous, personal, and very strict. furthermore, mental health is poorly addressed by many lds people.

-stop and go soft 'doctrine'. i believe the true points of the gospel are very true and very immovable, but there is sure a boatload of stuff that surrounds/comes out of/overshadows it. ten years ago we were hearing over the pulpit that technology is harmful and should be very limited. now we are giving ipads to all missionaries all over the world. i believe in multiple opinions and that church opinion changes, as it should, but there is not enough mediation and moderation in the messages given, which people then take and try to live with all exactness.

-attitudes toward womanhood. i won't even put motherhood, because that's exactly the problem. women are mothers, but we are other things, too. women are expecting to have children and take joy in all things homemaking. there is a very distinct subculture of homemaking that revolves around pinterest, birthday parties, and 'finding joy in the journey'. there are tons of women who do not relate to this, are not interested in it, are struggling over whether or not they even want kids, and hesitant because of the trap lds motherhood can feel like.

-double standard of morality. i feel let down by both my bishop and stake president and am pretty tired of the double standard toward morality in the church, especially concerning sexuality and morality.

-the idea that we should choose 'purity' even if it comes with ignorance and an inability to relate to people who aren't lds (which is most of the world........ if no one noticed).

-eternal suffering. the lds view of the life of a spirit is called 'the plan of happiness.' i understand that this life is a test and i have no problem with that. but all i really understand of the afterlife is that we will be parents forever. hence, the intense emphasis on marriage and the family. but any parent will tell you that parenting sucks, with a few 'mothering paydays' or 'rewarding moments'. maybe we will not be so human, or suffering won't affect us as much, but i struggle with the idea that the entire point of religion is to ensure more righteous reproduction. shouldn't there be a point to reproduction? what is the point of creating individuals whose only righteous choice is to give up everything individual and create more individuals who will also give themselves up? when does the individual get to enjoy itself? be itself? besides the eternities, i feel pressure right now to start having kids, even though i don't feel ready and feel i need to establish myself first. i feel taught that this is a selfish, erroneous, and unrighteous desire, but it is the only one that feels right and moral to me.