this conversation took place right at my desk yesterday between two full-time employees:
employee 1: "well, there is never enough money!"
employee 2: "yeah, the government wants to take it all. the government thinks it knows what's best for our money more than we do."
employee 1: "yep. well, it's our own fault for reelecting obama."
employee 2: "no, it's the fault of the idiots who reelected him. i didn't vote for him."
employee 1: "well, that's what i meant. it's the fault of... those people. the people that voted for him, not us."
employee 2: "yeah, idiots."
i was fuming. comments like this are made ALL the time in my office, but having it take place three feet in front of me, as a supporter of obama and a friend to many, many good people who are democrats, i was disgusted. i felt sick to my stomach. it was the beginning of a long, terrible day, and i didn't even go back to my building to work after lunch.
either they didn't notice my horrified, sick stare straight ahead or they don't care. my employee, who was at the desk with me (the republican who trash talked welfare and is now on welfare), knows i'm liberal, but she didn't say anything, as she never had. (during the election when they would go on for hours she would even say things like, 'i don't know why obama supporters don't stand up and defend themselves.' i'm pretty sure that was directed at me. well, she never asked.) should i have stood up to them? what would i have said if they asked me?
i didn't vote for obama (i didn't vote.... i know, shame), but i was this ' ' close to saying, "uhm, i voted for obama." i'm sure they would have asked "why?" probably i would have said, "because i'm an idiot, of course!!!" what if i had said, "oh, i get it. so you're upset about your money going to help people, other republicans, like m----- here that are on welfare?" i wonder what they all would have said then.but the truth is: i am severely repulsed by republicans and their attitudes.
i was taking ap gov while the 2008 presidential race was going on. i remember self identifying as slightly liberal (i am much more liberal now), and came home to ask my parents a few things. i brought it up to them, i still remember they were sitting on the couch together folding laundry, and they immediately started putting down my questions and potential ideas. 'we've always been afraid that you were getting a liberal education in this state,' they said. i will never forget that. it was a legitimate concern, but i was asking questions about the gospel, politics, and how the two intersect, and they were jumping to conclusions. they told me 'the right' stance to have and it escalated quickly because i started walking out of the room when they wouldn't listen to me.
that was the beginning of a long, distrusting, disliking relationship with republicans.
i know there must be good republicans out there. i know that disliking them so much is no better than them when they are putting down and calling democrats evil and idiots. i don't want to contribute to the hatefulness between the parties that permeated the last election, and i have never, ever spoken up before, not even again to my parents. but in my interactions with them they are consistently inhumane, closed minded, and quite frankly, disgusting. they are the ones that call all hispanics "mexicans" and get livid about printing school publicans in two languages, that champion the traditions that i think hurt so many, that believe the constitution is hanging by a thread, and that talk about the "gay agenda" and try to project their values on other people without taking those people's experiences into thought or consideration.
i don't even support that many democrat party platforms or policies. but i think it would be one of the most shameful things i could say about myself if i were to say i was a republican.
church
we're speaking in sacrament meeting next sunday. he asked us right after sacrament meeting with tons of people around (awkward) and i could tell he thought there was a good chance we'd say no. then last night we get a call that hubs and i have a meeting with "the bishopric" this sunday as well. husband is having horror visions of smack downs with all the bishopric there, but i think it will be one of the counselors and, if it's both of us, then it's a calling. there are only so many callings couples get together. my first thought is sunday school (please, if there is anything good left in the universe, do not force me to accept a sunday school teaching calling) but i am personally hoping for nursery.
obgy-no
as i've been thinking about this article going around, i was reminded of an experience i had with a doctor. i had my first obgyn experience as a premarital exam at the urging of my mother. before the exam, we sat in the doctor's office and he gave a little spiel. he recommended a specific lube, a book on intimacy in marriage, all fine. then he asked if i had been sexually active before. the question didn't bother me and is regularly asked in the medical community. but when i answered "no" he said, "good girl."
i thought it was weird even then, but was so anxious that i wasn't worrying about it. it didn't have some of the same dynamics as a bishop-young woman scenario, but the same power dynamic of older, specifically lds man obgyn-young woman was there. if i had said "yes" he probably wouldn't have said anything (hopefully). he has been a doctor to many women in my family, including my mom, and probably remembered we (or at least they, as far as he knew) are lds. but i still felt so ew about it.
i thought it was weird even then, but was so anxious that i wasn't worrying about it. it didn't have some of the same dynamics as a bishop-young woman scenario, but the same power dynamic of older, specifically lds man obgyn-young woman was there. if i had said "yes" he probably wouldn't have said anything (hopefully). he has been a doctor to many women in my family, including my mom, and probably remembered we (or at least they, as far as he knew) are lds. but i still felt so ew about it.
ps
to prove my point, this is literally word for a word a transcript from my training video:
interviewer: "our first question comes to us from sprint. it's from deborah and deborah asks, 'why is being a woman a strike against carlin?' you mentioned that."
old white guy: "first of all, i just want to say two things. one is that i wish i could spend a lot of time on every one of the questions. second is, sort of a little self congratulations. i often measure how effective i've been by the quality of the questions and i just glanced briefly through those questions and they're incredible.
"ok. and i think there were two from that person? ok. about the q... being a woman... yeah, uh, when i.. i see what could have been taken as a, a sexist remark and i hope you didn't take it that way... um, being a woman, first of all, in a man's world, of course, it... look, um, rosabeth moss kanter wrote a book years ago, a book called men and women in the corporation and she talked about what it means to be an 'o' when everyone else is an 'x', and she's in a culture, uh, a male culture, an engineering culture, where being a woman and being the top is a new thing, although there are some women in the top group of HP, it is still an unusual thing. she is an icon for women right now and we're all hoping those of us who want to see more women in top leadership positions... uh, that she will succeed. but, but, i do think all those three factors, just as with um, um, so, some women i've interviewed in another study i did, um, um women leaders seventy years and older, mini siebert was the first woman to be appointed to the new york city.. new york stock exchange and she, uh, uh, everyone looked but when you're the only 'o' with a bunch of 'x's, when you are looked at more sharply, more viewed, more with more wariness, and uh, and uh, and that's why, uh, she.. she has to be... and by the way, i think effective women leaders and effective men leaders share the same qualities incidentally. and that's... that's why i brought her, brought it up... it's still a disadvantage, women... there's still a glass ceiling, we're making some progress, but, it's still glacial progress. when brenda barnes came back into the work place, announced just yesterday, having quit pepsi cola ten years ago to be with her kids, many women were disappointed, she was one of the top women leaders at that time, she's returned from taking care of the kids. women... if.. any minority group, women... gay... uh...... a person of color... you are always being looked at more with.. with.. with more caliber ev.. evaluations than... uh, someone who is in the so called 'majority', anyway, that's uh, that's a pretty good answer...... let's do another one there. yeah. yeah."
well um, um said.
interviewer: "our first question comes to us from sprint. it's from deborah and deborah asks, 'why is being a woman a strike against carlin?' you mentioned that."
old white guy: "first of all, i just want to say two things. one is that i wish i could spend a lot of time on every one of the questions. second is, sort of a little self congratulations. i often measure how effective i've been by the quality of the questions and i just glanced briefly through those questions and they're incredible.
"ok. and i think there were two from that person? ok. about the q... being a woman... yeah, uh, when i.. i see what could have been taken as a, a sexist remark and i hope you didn't take it that way... um, being a woman, first of all, in a man's world, of course, it... look, um, rosabeth moss kanter wrote a book years ago, a book called men and women in the corporation and she talked about what it means to be an 'o' when everyone else is an 'x', and she's in a culture, uh, a male culture, an engineering culture, where being a woman and being the top is a new thing, although there are some women in the top group of HP, it is still an unusual thing. she is an icon for women right now and we're all hoping those of us who want to see more women in top leadership positions... uh, that she will succeed. but, but, i do think all those three factors, just as with um, um, so, some women i've interviewed in another study i did, um, um women leaders seventy years and older, mini siebert was the first woman to be appointed to the new york city.. new york stock exchange and she, uh, uh, everyone looked but when you're the only 'o' with a bunch of 'x's, when you are looked at more sharply, more viewed, more with more wariness, and uh, and uh, and that's why, uh, she.. she has to be... and by the way, i think effective women leaders and effective men leaders share the same qualities incidentally. and that's... that's why i brought her, brought it up... it's still a disadvantage, women... there's still a glass ceiling, we're making some progress, but, it's still glacial progress. when brenda barnes came back into the work place, announced just yesterday, having quit pepsi cola ten years ago to be with her kids, many women were disappointed, she was one of the top women leaders at that time, she's returned from taking care of the kids. women... if.. any minority group, women... gay... uh...... a person of color... you are always being looked at more with.. with.. with more caliber ev.. evaluations than... uh, someone who is in the so called 'majority', anyway, that's uh, that's a pretty good answer...... let's do another one there. yeah. yeah."
well um, um said.
old white guy club
i am watching a training video with two white guys because the white guys in my office don't have anything for me to do. the speaker is an old guy who is not that great of a speaker, but he's talking about leadership aka quoting tonnnnns of other old white guys. my butt hurts. i'm tired of sitting around the office. there is no work to do. and yet, i know i'll go home and sit around more and try to recuperate from doing nothing.
i want to feel ALIIIVE. where did that go to?
i also heard someone say the other day, 'they were being groomed for leadership positions.' i remember they were talking about a group of young men but i don't remember who said it or where i was. still, i cannot get it out of my mind because it makes me furious. the age old professions (law, medicine, business, etc) are run by old white guys who want to pass them on to young white guys. these guys are their sons and the sons of their old white guy friends. all of them probably grew up with wealth. instead of having to work for it they just need to be 'groomed'. implied here: hierarchy, unnecessary tradition, limiting advancement based on non performance based factors.
i know this is a generalization, but i still feel upset.
i want to feel ALIIIVE. where did that go to?
i also heard someone say the other day, 'they were being groomed for leadership positions.' i remember they were talking about a group of young men but i don't remember who said it or where i was. still, i cannot get it out of my mind because it makes me furious. the age old professions (law, medicine, business, etc) are run by old white guys who want to pass them on to young white guys. these guys are their sons and the sons of their old white guy friends. all of them probably grew up with wealth. instead of having to work for it they just need to be 'groomed'. implied here: hierarchy, unnecessary tradition, limiting advancement based on non performance based factors.
i know this is a generalization, but i still feel upset.
orange is the new black
after my husband told me his interest had been piqued in orange is the new black, but that he had stopped watching it after a few minutes because of all the boobs, i started watching it. and i finished it in a few days. i was horrified and fascinated and having so much fun.
i then read this interview with the real piper kerman. honestly, i was kind of disappointed. i admire her and agree with the praise the show has received, but when the interview gets to the part where she essentially says that women need special privileges (above men) to parent outside of prison, i was disappointed. i feel like if we really want fatherhood to become as much of the masculine personality as motherhood is for the female, and for everyone to see fatherhood on the same level as motherhood and have equality in parenting, it is inappropriate for women to have privileges over men. if you're going to talk about special allowances for parents that are in prison, it needs to apply to both men and women.
i'm realizing that there is an ideal and a reality to feminism, and that reconciling both of these is difficult. the reality here is that--whether it's caused by an unjust and sexist cultural society or not--more women are primarily responsible for the care of their children, and they do have a disproportionate amount of parenting responsibility, even if the ideal is that fathers and mothers share the responsibility evenly. do we overlook the needs of these women in order to make a point about what the ideal situation would be?
when i go to barnes n noble, i love that there is a big "changing table" sign on both the men and women's restroom doors. i love it. i am weird enough that while i'm on the pot i imagine myself in a leadership position in various companies in a conference room making the point that it's sexist to have changing tables in women's restrooms only, and that i care less about it forcing women to always do the dirty work than i do about how unfair it is to fathers that they can't parent in their own restroom. and then i get this terrible feeling like no one cares. like, who am i as a woman to speak for men? like if they really cared that much, they would have spoken up for themselves and things would be different. this is the reality, and it harshes on my ideal.
learning how to negotiate between the two is weird and hard.
i then read this interview with the real piper kerman. honestly, i was kind of disappointed. i admire her and agree with the praise the show has received, but when the interview gets to the part where she essentially says that women need special privileges (above men) to parent outside of prison, i was disappointed. i feel like if we really want fatherhood to become as much of the masculine personality as motherhood is for the female, and for everyone to see fatherhood on the same level as motherhood and have equality in parenting, it is inappropriate for women to have privileges over men. if you're going to talk about special allowances for parents that are in prison, it needs to apply to both men and women.
i'm realizing that there is an ideal and a reality to feminism, and that reconciling both of these is difficult. the reality here is that--whether it's caused by an unjust and sexist cultural society or not--more women are primarily responsible for the care of their children, and they do have a disproportionate amount of parenting responsibility, even if the ideal is that fathers and mothers share the responsibility evenly. do we overlook the needs of these women in order to make a point about what the ideal situation would be?
when i go to barnes n noble, i love that there is a big "changing table" sign on both the men and women's restroom doors. i love it. i am weird enough that while i'm on the pot i imagine myself in a leadership position in various companies in a conference room making the point that it's sexist to have changing tables in women's restrooms only, and that i care less about it forcing women to always do the dirty work than i do about how unfair it is to fathers that they can't parent in their own restroom. and then i get this terrible feeling like no one cares. like, who am i as a woman to speak for men? like if they really cared that much, they would have spoken up for themselves and things would be different. this is the reality, and it harshes on my ideal.
learning how to negotiate between the two is weird and hard.
heavy
something weird happens when you get fat. everyone around you will still talk about 'fat people' in general and it's never clear if they are doing a poor job trying to tell you personally something, if they have a psychological something that causes them not to view you as fat (even though you are), or if they really just don't care / don't think you can hear them.
my dad and i text jokes back and forth to each other. one day he started making up his own--there were a lot about byu football. then he sends this one:
"what happens when you put a ring on the finger of a byu undergrad?"
"she blows up like a balloon."
i was so shocked. my dad has NEVER said a word against me, and while we disagree about a lot of things (like the constitution and mitt romney and welfare), i cannot even imagine having a contentious relationship with him and have never, ever felt looked down upon by him. i was shocked. in his defense, he was probably on A LOT of drugs, but i just couldn't believe it.
this past weekend we saw all of my family for a farewell. it's ironic, but going around my family makes me feel worse about my body than anything else in my life. my mom and her sisters have all gained a healthy amount of weight from having kids, but other than that the only other overweight person on either side of my family is my aunt carrie (who everyone thinks is a joke, sadly). they are all skinny and good looking and wonderful. i hadn't seen most of them in a long time and as they filed past me in church and said hi i could see that look on their eyes of, 'whoa, what happened to her?'
i have a lot of feelings about weight gain. i've often wondered if growing up with brothers gave me a misconception about my metabolism and therefore caused me to overeat. or if what my mom ate during her pregnancy causes me to eat more / crave more than other people. or if i have depression. or if other people just eat nothing, all the time. or if their bodies just handle it better.
i love my body. i'm amazed with the shit it puts up with. i'm amazed that it will continue to function and grow through all i put it through. whatever you do to it, it just takes it. human life seems fragile but in reality it is difficult to die by lifestyle (even if it is becoming more prevalent). when i'm home and i look in the mirror, i see that my body is a war zone but i also see that it is beautiful and good. i always tell myself it is not so bad, and i mean it. but then i go to the store or the movies or somewhere in public and see the size everyone else is. it is, weirdly, encouraging. it helps me keep perspective and understand that it's good to appreciate my body but that i need to be realistic about what is normal or not.
i've won the mind games before, and i lost a lot of weight. the habit of exercising was so instinctual and bodily. i really did do it for the hormones and how good it felt. i was honestly not doing it to lose weight, it wasn't even a thought. but, not having exercised in more than a year, i don't have bodily memory of what that felt like, and i can't seem to get myself going.
my dad and i text jokes back and forth to each other. one day he started making up his own--there were a lot about byu football. then he sends this one:
"what happens when you put a ring on the finger of a byu undergrad?"
"she blows up like a balloon."
i was so shocked. my dad has NEVER said a word against me, and while we disagree about a lot of things (like the constitution and mitt romney and welfare), i cannot even imagine having a contentious relationship with him and have never, ever felt looked down upon by him. i was shocked. in his defense, he was probably on A LOT of drugs, but i just couldn't believe it.
this past weekend we saw all of my family for a farewell. it's ironic, but going around my family makes me feel worse about my body than anything else in my life. my mom and her sisters have all gained a healthy amount of weight from having kids, but other than that the only other overweight person on either side of my family is my aunt carrie (who everyone thinks is a joke, sadly). they are all skinny and good looking and wonderful. i hadn't seen most of them in a long time and as they filed past me in church and said hi i could see that look on their eyes of, 'whoa, what happened to her?'
i have a lot of feelings about weight gain. i've often wondered if growing up with brothers gave me a misconception about my metabolism and therefore caused me to overeat. or if what my mom ate during her pregnancy causes me to eat more / crave more than other people. or if i have depression. or if other people just eat nothing, all the time. or if their bodies just handle it better.
i love my body. i'm amazed with the shit it puts up with. i'm amazed that it will continue to function and grow through all i put it through. whatever you do to it, it just takes it. human life seems fragile but in reality it is difficult to die by lifestyle (even if it is becoming more prevalent). when i'm home and i look in the mirror, i see that my body is a war zone but i also see that it is beautiful and good. i always tell myself it is not so bad, and i mean it. but then i go to the store or the movies or somewhere in public and see the size everyone else is. it is, weirdly, encouraging. it helps me keep perspective and understand that it's good to appreciate my body but that i need to be realistic about what is normal or not.
i've won the mind games before, and i lost a lot of weight. the habit of exercising was so instinctual and bodily. i really did do it for the hormones and how good it felt. i was honestly not doing it to lose weight, it wasn't even a thought. but, not having exercised in more than a year, i don't have bodily memory of what that felt like, and i can't seem to get myself going.
noisy
even with my struggles with wymount culture, i have really loved our apartment. it is definitely our home. but i don't know what it is this last week... i hear crying babies / kids literally hours of every day. it doesn't help that the people below us have a brand new baby. (they had a new baby last summer too...) i have always disliked those people who complain about kids making noise in restaurants, stores, etc. kids are loud. parenting is loud. i feel like that should be ok. but hearing crying children all the time isn't making me feel more creative / more driven / sexier / more motivated / more willing to spend time on the hard stuff. it makes me feel tired.
the first year of marriage was so difficult and so rewarding. sam and i both have lots of dreams and things we want to do. we have been unbelievably blessed, including through living in this location. and i don't think that not being ready for kids means i should / can dislike everyone else for having kids, especially living somewhere built for those people. but i feel trapped here, and i feel like it's ok for us to not be ready to have kids but that maybe we are not spending that time wisely. i feel like we are living in a place that represents where we want to be in five or ten years, and that it's preventing us from living fully in the moment. even if i can get over being bugged by the noise, it's very psychological.
if i didn't hate moving, i would move.
the first year of marriage was so difficult and so rewarding. sam and i both have lots of dreams and things we want to do. we have been unbelievably blessed, including through living in this location. and i don't think that not being ready for kids means i should / can dislike everyone else for having kids, especially living somewhere built for those people. but i feel trapped here, and i feel like it's ok for us to not be ready to have kids but that maybe we are not spending that time wisely. i feel like we are living in a place that represents where we want to be in five or ten years, and that it's preventing us from living fully in the moment. even if i can get over being bugged by the noise, it's very psychological.
if i didn't hate moving, i would move.
bladders, cups, management vent
i once spent an entire staff meeting sharing what i felt was valuable information with my employees. i tried to engage them, tried to share exciting and even confidential info with them where appropriate, tried to kick their motivation and drive on. i felt good. i felt on. i felt like i was relatable and professional. but at the end when i asked if they had questions or comments about where our team was going, they wanted to know why i had taken the cups out of the supply cupboard. these girls had been using so many cups that it was essentially costing us hundreds of dollars per month, and there were never supplies for when the department actually needed them. i had moved the cup stash to a place less at their disposal, leaving a package in the cupboard for their use with the idea that when they ran out, they ran out, until i replenished them when we reordered cups. i explained that we simply could not afford for them to use so many cups, to which one girl replied, "well, it's fine, i found them and put them in the cupboard so they're there now." i could not believe they were livid about cups. i couldn't believe that after a productive meeting of the highest quality i could put on, they wanted to argue about cups. something in me died a little that day.
maybe this is just management. maybe there will always be employees who only care about unlimited access to free cups (so much so that they were search the building and take it in their own hands). but i was frustrated that i had failed to inspire them and frustrated that i continued to feel like i was babysitting.
the same girl who looked for the cups literally uses the bathroom 4 - 8 times every day during her 4 hour shift. as a manager, this is infuriating. her whole job is to watch the desk, answer every phone call, and hold down the fort. i can't trust her to do this. i have calmly explained to her that it is her job to cover the desk and that if there isn't anyone else there, there is simply not an option to go off and use the bathroom. she was unresponsive. in fact, shortly after that she asked a random employee who knows nothing about her job to cover the desk while she went to the bathroom. ...really? you couldn't hold it for one hour? i understand that everyone goes to the bathroom, and in an emergency or even once in a while i'd be happy to cover for her. but she is unresponsive to constructive criticism and the fact that i need to do my job. she drinks water incessantly and is not helping herself.
i am embarrassed that this infuriates me. i am embarrassed for her. am i seriously going to have to sit down in her performance review and talk to her about her bladder? ask her why she can't wait to drink water until business allows or she is at home? i am embarrassed for them that they are grown ass women and they can't control their bladders. i am embarrassed for myself that i spend 40 hours a week babysitting.
is this just what management is?
maybe this is just management. maybe there will always be employees who only care about unlimited access to free cups (so much so that they were search the building and take it in their own hands). but i was frustrated that i had failed to inspire them and frustrated that i continued to feel like i was babysitting.
the same girl who looked for the cups literally uses the bathroom 4 - 8 times every day during her 4 hour shift. as a manager, this is infuriating. her whole job is to watch the desk, answer every phone call, and hold down the fort. i can't trust her to do this. i have calmly explained to her that it is her job to cover the desk and that if there isn't anyone else there, there is simply not an option to go off and use the bathroom. she was unresponsive. in fact, shortly after that she asked a random employee who knows nothing about her job to cover the desk while she went to the bathroom. ...really? you couldn't hold it for one hour? i understand that everyone goes to the bathroom, and in an emergency or even once in a while i'd be happy to cover for her. but she is unresponsive to constructive criticism and the fact that i need to do my job. she drinks water incessantly and is not helping herself.
i am embarrassed that this infuriates me. i am embarrassed for her. am i seriously going to have to sit down in her performance review and talk to her about her bladder? ask her why she can't wait to drink water until business allows or she is at home? i am embarrassed for them that they are grown ass women and they can't control their bladders. i am embarrassed for myself that i spend 40 hours a week babysitting.
is this just what management is?
medicaid
the same girl in my office who bitched the whole election that all democrats are on welfare and ruining the country = she, and her husband, just got approved for medicaid (she will tell anyone who even brushes the topic).
i couldn't care less, but i hope she knows she should be eating her words.
i couldn't care less, but i hope she knows she should be eating her words.
the only time i have been mad at god
i am not someone who is often asking myself, 'why would god do this?' of the 'why do bad things happen to good people?' variety. that has never really been my faith crisis, and i've always been willing to suspend conclusion and keep looking for an answer that fits the personality of what i believe is a teaching, compassionate god with interworking plans that span world history. but last year when i got married i was having a really hard time. female sexuality is not talked about by the lds community. after being married, i was quickly becoming a more involved feminist, and sex was not helping. the thing that really killed me is that sex seemed to end with male orgasm. when the man is done, it is done with, no matter where the woman is at. i found this highly unfair and besides trying to figure out sex in the first place, i was struggling with added feelings that this only reaffirms the attitude some church members have about chastity (sex is dirty; desire should be strongly tethered and sexual exploration, even in marriage, can be devastating and therefore should be avoided to also avoid the chance) and what sex is for (making babies, right?? so who cares of women are satisfied?). i was furious about this. i was mad at heavenly father. looking back, maybe this is unfair, because while he has a body, i don't believe he designed our bodies--i assume he got his from parents that looked like him as well, and that the body is a long perfected design. but it deepened my fears that women's individuation (especially in stride with the individuation of men), to use a jungian term, is not important to eternity, heaven, or to god. having biology and eternal design against you are pretty hefty set backs.
i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.
i really believe the lds community could benefit from discussion and from women coming out and talking about these issues. i also realize that unhealthy beliefs of what a wife owes her husband, of what sex should be like for a wife, etc, are not (one blessing of the digital age is that women are talking on these discussions and initiating them themselves.) sex is a reflection of marriage which, with an lds perspective, is a reflection of eternity, which is why i was so torn apart. for me, the gospel is true, but there is a point where church and especially its culture need to stop and psychology, biology, and the experience of the individual (after all, god gave us our bodies, brains, and lives) need to start doing the explaining. my relationship with my husband has grown unbelievably, and working through frustration has made us both better spouses. maybe this happens naturally in marriages, as it has for us, and then couples are just private about it. but for me, it was a source of agony and a big learning experience. mostly i have learned that if your marriage is happy and committed, it will have the spirit in it and it's hard to believe heavenly father would be upset with it.
scripture study
i have two brothers on missions right now, both stateside. one of them has been using facebook his entire mission, by decision of his mission president, but the other is now coming online as per the big announcement that missionaries will begin using much more media.
the second brother just accepted my friend request (as suggested by my mom) today, and he immediately added all of us--his parents and us five kids--to a secret group called 'family scripture study return and report'. i. love. it. i want to read my scriptures for the first time in years. i don't know why it seems so engaging, and maybe it's just that i miss connecting with him, and with us all as a family, but it feels so special.
this brother and i haven't gotten along well in the past. he is a headstrong and exceptional jock and i am an intellectual. we always butted heads growing up, at each others' throats. he is becoming such an incredible man, and we have grown very close. maybe closer than i am with my other siblings.
today i'm grateful for him, and i thin i'm going to read my scriptures tonight.
the second brother just accepted my friend request (as suggested by my mom) today, and he immediately added all of us--his parents and us five kids--to a secret group called 'family scripture study return and report'. i. love. it. i want to read my scriptures for the first time in years. i don't know why it seems so engaging, and maybe it's just that i miss connecting with him, and with us all as a family, but it feels so special.
this brother and i haven't gotten along well in the past. he is a headstrong and exceptional jock and i am an intellectual. we always butted heads growing up, at each others' throats. he is becoming such an incredible man, and we have grown very close. maybe closer than i am with my other siblings.
today i'm grateful for him, and i thin i'm going to read my scriptures tonight.
maiden name
whenever my maiden name shows up around the office, my boss always points it out to me.
each day every employee fills out a little report of what their work hours went to that day (so we can charge customers accordingly). literally my first day back after my honeymoon, my boss brings my report back to me and showed me that my "old" name was on it... which i didn't appreciate. i know he was trying to help me and thought i had forgotten, but it was very much on purpose and it's not really his business. what if i wasn't changing my name? that would have been awkward. being that it is a legal document, i put my then-legal name on it (and i didn't end up officially changing my name for several months).
it's been a year and this still happens. earlier this week we were scheduling some online reports. our work email addresses are firstname_lastname@-. i have arranged with tech support to have both the emails for my maiden name and married name to come to me since people know me in my professional life by both names. the form required an email, and i put in my maiden name email address. "op!! you put in your old name! was it just out of habit?" my boss said as soon as i had done it. in the past i have laughed it off, but this time i said something like, 'i don't think it really matters.' he then made some joke about me still trying out my new last name and not being sure if i will keep it. (leave-your-husband / husband-as a-trial-product jokes got old about...... a year ago.)
i know he means well, but i am both girls, and it's just not his business.
each day every employee fills out a little report of what their work hours went to that day (so we can charge customers accordingly). literally my first day back after my honeymoon, my boss brings my report back to me and showed me that my "old" name was on it... which i didn't appreciate. i know he was trying to help me and thought i had forgotten, but it was very much on purpose and it's not really his business. what if i wasn't changing my name? that would have been awkward. being that it is a legal document, i put my then-legal name on it (and i didn't end up officially changing my name for several months).
it's been a year and this still happens. earlier this week we were scheduling some online reports. our work email addresses are firstname_lastname@-. i have arranged with tech support to have both the emails for my maiden name and married name to come to me since people know me in my professional life by both names. the form required an email, and i put in my maiden name email address. "op!! you put in your old name! was it just out of habit?" my boss said as soon as i had done it. in the past i have laughed it off, but this time i said something like, 'i don't think it really matters.' he then made some joke about me still trying out my new last name and not being sure if i will keep it. (leave-your-husband / husband-as a-trial-product jokes got old about...... a year ago.)
i know he means well, but i am both girls, and it's just not his business.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)