i found out after the fact that after i interviewed the job i have now, it was between me and someone else. my (soon to be) employees met everyone who interviewed and i guess a lot of older women they just hated applied. anyway, it was between me and someone else and they asked the employees who they should hire to break the tie. they all voted for me. that's why they hired me. like, this is the irony of life. man i was so great when i waltzed in there. so in shape, so well dressed, so on the up and up. they probably thought they were going to have some awesome peer to sit next to them and join their club and keep the party alive. little did they know i was going to become, in their eyes, the bitch. dreadful. the devil. worse than the devil. a feminist. a democrat. someone who "let herself go" and gained a bunch of weight. someone who expected then to come to work on time--or just come to work at all--for eff's sake. like, what a seething bitch i was.
sometimes i think of this and just laugh to myself for an hour. the ONLY reason i got this job was because of those four 20-somethings that would come to loathe me. wow, those were the worst of times. thank heaven for job interviews and the will to move on and for not feeling loyal to this place anymore.
notes to people in my life
-dear co-workers: if you are asking me to fix your time punches literally every single day, maybe you need to reevaluate your life.
-dear ymf: a couple of days ago, i posted a private, important, really significant thought from my life that i was hoping to get some good conversation and healing about. maybe i will repost it sometime here on my blog. it was kind of deep and pretty personal, but people are always posting things like that so i didn't think anything of it. for a long time no one said anything about it or made note of it. which is totally fine. i know reading my writing is sometime like walking through sludge and mud, and i can especially be overbearing and i kind of just throw things out there. but then hannah wheelright posted about not giving a guy her number and it got 100 likes in an hour. i love hannah and i think i groupie her as much as anyone, but in that moment i just realized that i was more of a stranger in ymf than i thought i was, and that i don't really fit in there anymore. ymf is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i learned so much and most of all gained a self confidence and saw that i could give myself permission to take space, to have an opinion, to have emotions, to not apologize, to learn about others, to take my own security. but i've been feeling on the way out for a while and in the end, ymf is really a game for a very specific person. i don't know why i'm writing this all out except that it was such a clear, knowing moment and i think it marks a really important transition for me. i don't really know where i'm going. i think i'm going back to church, but i am a stranger there, too. as one of my good friends told me yesterday, "i don't really know where i fit anymore."
-dear boss: in one of the trainings you make sure to send all of your employees to (because you liked it so much yourself), one of the final things we talk about is how relationships are like bank accounts. you make deposits and withdrawals. this is tricky, because what a deposit and what a withdrawal means is different for every single person, and a big deposit for one person could be a big withdrawal for another person. well, recently you have made some huge withdrawals. like, i don't even know how we could have even had that much saved up. overriding my policies, doing my work in front of me so i will know how much you disapprove of my job performance (HEAVEN forbid you be direct with me and cut your passive aggressive bullshitting ways), not only ignoring but not asking for my (long-thought out, MUCH labored and cried and stressed over, professional) opinions because you made up your mind even before talking to me, passive aggressively accusing me of being THE reason for the WORST student employee's bad behavior ("don't you think?"), and being a straight up bitchy authoritarian ignorant sexist human being to me and expecting me to smile at you and say ok. passive aggressiveness is not righteousness. you are not helping everyone out here by being the type of boss you are very careful to be. when i first realized you steamrolled and ignored and authoritarian-bossed me like people wouldn't believe, i thankfully also quickly realized you do it to everyone. other people you mercilessly and thoughtlessly steamroll around here are willing to forget and move on and return your fake cheery smiles and greetings and help you keep your world in the perfect balance that i am embarrassed for you that you care so much about. but my relationship with you is essentially my entire job. and that relationship--along with my motivation for this job, my patience, and my longsuffering--are bankrupt. when i find a new job--whether that's in two weeks or three months or a year--i know you will ask why i'm leaving. and i don't know what i'll say to you, because this is the only truthful thing i can think of.
-dear mom: you are coming to see me on saturday to spend one on one time together, for the first time in probably six or more years. you're worried about me, as is dad. for about a year i have felt your desperate, worried, but always boundary-respectful desire to be let into my life, and i want to let you in. but i can't. because i am not the person you raised. i don't know if i want to stay in the church. i don't like church. i don't like the temple. right now, i don't want kids. nothing seems further away. dh and i are all-over-the-place, crude, boisterous, spendy, lounging, kind of messed up, overly-devoted lovers and that is the relationship i need right now. not only has he grown to understand and accept my feminism and my struggling and my depression, but he embraces it and is always the soft hand there to catch me. which doesn't mean you couldn't/don't understand those things, but what i don't need right now is a church lesson or the lecture on not being a victim or for you to tell me how proud you are of me because nothing makes me feel worse about myself than that. because you don't know where i'm really at right now and you wouldn't approve. i miss and need you, but is there even a way i could ever tell you why i'm stressed to shreds lately--enough that you can tell in an instant of seeing me--without telling you everything, and that i am consumed with worry, fear, disillusionment and being misplaced? deep down, i know you would understand and instantly accept--if not ache--for me. but i also know you will feel compelled to treat me in a certain way, knowing you will have to account to god as a mother for what you say to me. so can't we just skip the obligation we both feel and buy shoes and eat and just let being alone together heal us both a little?
-dear ymf: a couple of days ago, i posted a private, important, really significant thought from my life that i was hoping to get some good conversation and healing about. maybe i will repost it sometime here on my blog. it was kind of deep and pretty personal, but people are always posting things like that so i didn't think anything of it. for a long time no one said anything about it or made note of it. which is totally fine. i know reading my writing is sometime like walking through sludge and mud, and i can especially be overbearing and i kind of just throw things out there. but then hannah wheelright posted about not giving a guy her number and it got 100 likes in an hour. i love hannah and i think i groupie her as much as anyone, but in that moment i just realized that i was more of a stranger in ymf than i thought i was, and that i don't really fit in there anymore. ymf is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i learned so much and most of all gained a self confidence and saw that i could give myself permission to take space, to have an opinion, to have emotions, to not apologize, to learn about others, to take my own security. but i've been feeling on the way out for a while and in the end, ymf is really a game for a very specific person. i don't know why i'm writing this all out except that it was such a clear, knowing moment and i think it marks a really important transition for me. i don't really know where i'm going. i think i'm going back to church, but i am a stranger there, too. as one of my good friends told me yesterday, "i don't really know where i fit anymore."
-dear boss: in one of the trainings you make sure to send all of your employees to (because you liked it so much yourself), one of the final things we talk about is how relationships are like bank accounts. you make deposits and withdrawals. this is tricky, because what a deposit and what a withdrawal means is different for every single person, and a big deposit for one person could be a big withdrawal for another person. well, recently you have made some huge withdrawals. like, i don't even know how we could have even had that much saved up. overriding my policies, doing my work in front of me so i will know how much you disapprove of my job performance (HEAVEN forbid you be direct with me and cut your passive aggressive bullshitting ways), not only ignoring but not asking for my (long-thought out, MUCH labored and cried and stressed over, professional) opinions because you made up your mind even before talking to me, passive aggressively accusing me of being THE reason for the WORST student employee's bad behavior ("don't you think?"), and being a straight up bitchy authoritarian ignorant sexist human being to me and expecting me to smile at you and say ok. passive aggressiveness is not righteousness. you are not helping everyone out here by being the type of boss you are very careful to be. when i first realized you steamrolled and ignored and authoritarian-bossed me like people wouldn't believe, i thankfully also quickly realized you do it to everyone. other people you mercilessly and thoughtlessly steamroll around here are willing to forget and move on and return your fake cheery smiles and greetings and help you keep your world in the perfect balance that i am embarrassed for you that you care so much about. but my relationship with you is essentially my entire job. and that relationship--along with my motivation for this job, my patience, and my longsuffering--are bankrupt. when i find a new job--whether that's in two weeks or three months or a year--i know you will ask why i'm leaving. and i don't know what i'll say to you, because this is the only truthful thing i can think of.
-dear mom: you are coming to see me on saturday to spend one on one time together, for the first time in probably six or more years. you're worried about me, as is dad. for about a year i have felt your desperate, worried, but always boundary-respectful desire to be let into my life, and i want to let you in. but i can't. because i am not the person you raised. i don't know if i want to stay in the church. i don't like church. i don't like the temple. right now, i don't want kids. nothing seems further away. dh and i are all-over-the-place, crude, boisterous, spendy, lounging, kind of messed up, overly-devoted lovers and that is the relationship i need right now. not only has he grown to understand and accept my feminism and my struggling and my depression, but he embraces it and is always the soft hand there to catch me. which doesn't mean you couldn't/don't understand those things, but what i don't need right now is a church lesson or the lecture on not being a victim or for you to tell me how proud you are of me because nothing makes me feel worse about myself than that. because you don't know where i'm really at right now and you wouldn't approve. i miss and need you, but is there even a way i could ever tell you why i'm stressed to shreds lately--enough that you can tell in an instant of seeing me--without telling you everything, and that i am consumed with worry, fear, disillusionment and being misplaced? deep down, i know you would understand and instantly accept--if not ache--for me. but i also know you will feel compelled to treat me in a certain way, knowing you will have to account to god as a mother for what you say to me. so can't we just skip the obligation we both feel and buy shoes and eat and just let being alone together heal us both a little?
update on life
i have been wearing this huge black skirt everywhere and it is marvelous. skirt and t shirt and a comfy pair of men's garment bottoms. (and, like, a bra.) seriously, why don't they make garment bottoms like that for women?
two of my three employees are men. i talked about this for so long and then never said anything when i finally hired a guy. the world didn't crash down, and i think everyone in my office realized it was going to be OKAY. the first of the two guys got a few sexist comments, but nothing unforgivable and i wasn't really taking any of it.
being pretty and the idea of being skinnier keeps popping up in my life, and all i can think is, "there is no way to explain how much i do not care about being pretty or skinny." i think i'm still as vain as i ever was, but it's because i feel beautiful just the way i am--BELIEVE IT OR NOT! like, perfectly beautiful. but the desire to be healthy is getting stronger and i've been eating at home a lot more this week, and we've been to the rec center a couple of times. it's the smallest steps.
i've been really stressed about creativity lately. i don't know why, but ever since i graduated, i feel like i have been grossly ignoring all of the paintings i should be making. i don't even know why. i haven't even ever painted that much before. i think i'm finally realizing that creativity doesn't have to hang over me, i can create whatever i want--i can create what it is that i want to see. dh and i have both been so stressed out and threadbare, and--why? i mean, life is crappy and there's a lot of crappy things going on, but we come home from work and sit on the couch and look at each other and then it's 11:00p and that's it. why aren't we doing something awesome! why am i not creating that space and that life for myself? why can't i get off the facebook and random people's blogs and get my house clean and create an experimental time where i can just recharge and reevaluate? related: what do people DO in the suburbs? as a student i could just walk to campus and be enchanted, but somehow i don't even have the energy to do that anymore.
and if i ever do start painting or collaging or something again, my aunt has offered to sell my art and WHY AM I NOT DOING THAT?
i recently did this training that really helped me. it was a stephen covey 7 habits training and a lot of it was kind of boring but there was this one glorious day where we talked about what our big goals in life are and how to figure them out if we don't know. we did the following:
1. make a list of the key roles in your life. they can be anything. next to each role, write the name of someone with whom you have a relationship essential to that role. in a third column, write what you would like them to say about you at the end of your life. what can you do today, this week, this year, etc. so that they are saying that in the end?
2. fill the following blanks in with your immediate reactions:
i am at my best when...
i am at my worst when...
what I love to do is...
what I want in my personal life is...
my natural talents are...
if i had unlimited time and money, i would...
some of my life goals are...
the person i would like to be is...
i would like my future contributions to others to be...
what i should really do now is...
3. make a list of five people you admire or that have influenced you the most. why do you look up to them? what characteristics do they have that you would like to emulate?
4. with these three activities in mind, do a free write.
5. with all of this in mind, write a personal mission statement.
i was so edified by this that i was on a high for about two weeks. (now i am on the accompanying low, but i got so much done!) it probably just hit me at the right time and in the right place, but it was a revelation. i realized what i really want to do and what kinds of roles i really want to fill.
i slapped my personal mission statement on my resume and--feeling the clarity of grief from kate kelly's excommunication and a couple of really, truly, professionally horrible days with my boss--my job search redoubled and i was on my way to changing my life.
i've also been filling in my linkedin profile like my life depends on it. i don't know who even looks at that shit. but it has been amazingly cathartic, and it's helping me realize my direction and achievements and where my best value lies. and i feel justified doing it at work. and it's not like i have anything to do here anyway.
two of my three employees are men. i talked about this for so long and then never said anything when i finally hired a guy. the world didn't crash down, and i think everyone in my office realized it was going to be OKAY. the first of the two guys got a few sexist comments, but nothing unforgivable and i wasn't really taking any of it.
being pretty and the idea of being skinnier keeps popping up in my life, and all i can think is, "there is no way to explain how much i do not care about being pretty or skinny." i think i'm still as vain as i ever was, but it's because i feel beautiful just the way i am--BELIEVE IT OR NOT! like, perfectly beautiful. but the desire to be healthy is getting stronger and i've been eating at home a lot more this week, and we've been to the rec center a couple of times. it's the smallest steps.
i've been really stressed about creativity lately. i don't know why, but ever since i graduated, i feel like i have been grossly ignoring all of the paintings i should be making. i don't even know why. i haven't even ever painted that much before. i think i'm finally realizing that creativity doesn't have to hang over me, i can create whatever i want--i can create what it is that i want to see. dh and i have both been so stressed out and threadbare, and--why? i mean, life is crappy and there's a lot of crappy things going on, but we come home from work and sit on the couch and look at each other and then it's 11:00p and that's it. why aren't we doing something awesome! why am i not creating that space and that life for myself? why can't i get off the facebook and random people's blogs and get my house clean and create an experimental time where i can just recharge and reevaluate? related: what do people DO in the suburbs? as a student i could just walk to campus and be enchanted, but somehow i don't even have the energy to do that anymore.
and if i ever do start painting or collaging or something again, my aunt has offered to sell my art and WHY AM I NOT DOING THAT?
i recently did this training that really helped me. it was a stephen covey 7 habits training and a lot of it was kind of boring but there was this one glorious day where we talked about what our big goals in life are and how to figure them out if we don't know. we did the following:
1. make a list of the key roles in your life. they can be anything. next to each role, write the name of someone with whom you have a relationship essential to that role. in a third column, write what you would like them to say about you at the end of your life. what can you do today, this week, this year, etc. so that they are saying that in the end?
2. fill the following blanks in with your immediate reactions:
i am at my best when...
i am at my worst when...
what I love to do is...
what I want in my personal life is...
my natural talents are...
if i had unlimited time and money, i would...
some of my life goals are...
the person i would like to be is...
i would like my future contributions to others to be...
what i should really do now is...
3. make a list of five people you admire or that have influenced you the most. why do you look up to them? what characteristics do they have that you would like to emulate?
4. with these three activities in mind, do a free write.
5. with all of this in mind, write a personal mission statement.
i was so edified by this that i was on a high for about two weeks. (now i am on the accompanying low, but i got so much done!) it probably just hit me at the right time and in the right place, but it was a revelation. i realized what i really want to do and what kinds of roles i really want to fill.
i slapped my personal mission statement on my resume and--feeling the clarity of grief from kate kelly's excommunication and a couple of really, truly, professionally horrible days with my boss--my job search redoubled and i was on my way to changing my life.
i've also been filling in my linkedin profile like my life depends on it. i don't know who even looks at that shit. but it has been amazingly cathartic, and it's helping me realize my direction and achievements and where my best value lies. and i feel justified doing it at work. and it's not like i have anything to do here anyway.
today we went to church. after the sacrament had been passed, i ran to the bathroom. i started feeling sick to my stomach. i came home, felt like death for an hour, lost my breakfast. and since there's a stomach bug going around my office, i figured that's what it was. except for the inexplicable, uncontrollable crying for the entire short drive home, feeling like i couldn't breathe, and that when i took a nap as soon as i felt well enough to move, i have felt fine all day. i know anxiety can cause nausea, but what exactly does that look like? i don't think i felt THAT anxious. but as we pulled up to the church for the first meeting, it really hit me: i am a total stranger there, and the church has become a stranger to me.
last week the bishopric asked us to meet with one of them even though we had family in town and staying with us. we've tried to be very up front with them about how our summer was looking--two broken families, some depression going on, a lot of traveling going on. we told them we would be gone a lot for family business. but they still gave us a sunday calling and acted annoyed when we couldn't start the same day they asked us--again, when we had family with us and had planned to go out of town. there has been one specific counselor pretty much assigned to us and he told sam he knew how he was feeling because his grandma recently died and she gave him violin lessons so they were close. (no.) he also insisted they have an interview on father's day for something trivial.
as we were sitting there talking to him last time i realized something: after kate kelly, i feel a complete, general mistrust of church leadership. the spirit and desire i had been building up to go to the temple, to go back to church, is gone. more than gone. i feel like a number, a nuisance, a name on a paper that some guy has to account for in his meetings, and that's it. despite our openness with our bishopric, i have always felt like they were weirded out or unsure of what to say to us, even in our own home, not because of sensitivity to the subject but because they don't want to be a part of it. i have never felt like they actually cared, and the bishop has never introduced himself to us or reached out to us in any way, even with our unique circumstances and obvious struggling. i have felt their weariness in having to approach us yet again because they yet again got an assignment to check on us. i know and can tell they talk about us behind closed doors, but if it was in concern or faith, it has never shown. i despise them for it, and i would NEVER approach them in trust and confidence to seek help with my faith. i feel like my only choice is to put on a happy face and do everything perfect for them until i can fly under the radar again.
if that's part of what made me sick today, i am in a lot of trouble.
last week the bishopric asked us to meet with one of them even though we had family in town and staying with us. we've tried to be very up front with them about how our summer was looking--two broken families, some depression going on, a lot of traveling going on. we told them we would be gone a lot for family business. but they still gave us a sunday calling and acted annoyed when we couldn't start the same day they asked us--again, when we had family with us and had planned to go out of town. there has been one specific counselor pretty much assigned to us and he told sam he knew how he was feeling because his grandma recently died and she gave him violin lessons so they were close. (no.) he also insisted they have an interview on father's day for something trivial.
as we were sitting there talking to him last time i realized something: after kate kelly, i feel a complete, general mistrust of church leadership. the spirit and desire i had been building up to go to the temple, to go back to church, is gone. more than gone. i feel like a number, a nuisance, a name on a paper that some guy has to account for in his meetings, and that's it. despite our openness with our bishopric, i have always felt like they were weirded out or unsure of what to say to us, even in our own home, not because of sensitivity to the subject but because they don't want to be a part of it. i have never felt like they actually cared, and the bishop has never introduced himself to us or reached out to us in any way, even with our unique circumstances and obvious struggling. i have felt their weariness in having to approach us yet again because they yet again got an assignment to check on us. i know and can tell they talk about us behind closed doors, but if it was in concern or faith, it has never shown. i despise them for it, and i would NEVER approach them in trust and confidence to seek help with my faith. i feel like my only choice is to put on a happy face and do everything perfect for them until i can fly under the radar again.
if that's part of what made me sick today, i am in a lot of trouble.
"can you tell us about your experience with written and verbal communication?"
uh.......... i can talk? and write? english major? i talk to people all day at my job? wtf who asks a job interview question like this
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)