today we went to church. after the sacrament had been passed, i ran to the bathroom. i started feeling sick to my stomach. i came home, felt like death for an hour, lost my breakfast. and since there's a stomach bug going around my office, i figured that's what it was. except for the inexplicable, uncontrollable crying for the entire short drive home, feeling like i couldn't breathe, and that when i took a nap as soon as i felt well enough to move, i have felt fine all day. i know anxiety can cause nausea, but what exactly does that look like? i don't think i felt THAT anxious. but as we pulled up to the church for the first meeting, it really hit me: i am a total stranger there, and the church has become a stranger to me.

last week the bishopric asked us to meet with one of them even though we had family in town and staying with us. we've tried to be very up front with them about how our summer was looking--two broken families, some depression going on, a lot of traveling going on. we told them we would be gone a lot for family business. but they still gave us a sunday calling and acted annoyed when we couldn't start the same day they asked us--again, when we had family with us and had planned to go out of town. there has been one specific counselor pretty much assigned to us and he told sam he knew how he was feeling because his grandma recently died and she gave him violin lessons so they were close. (no.) he also insisted they have an interview on father's day for something trivial.

as we were sitting there talking to him last time i realized something: after kate kelly, i feel a complete, general mistrust of church leadership. the spirit and desire i had been building up to go to the temple, to go back to church, is gone. more than gone. i feel like a number, a nuisance, a name on a paper that some guy has to account for in his meetings, and that's it. despite our openness with our bishopric, i have always felt like they were weirded out or unsure of what to say to us, even in our own home, not because of sensitivity to the subject but because they don't want to be a part of it. i have never felt like they actually cared, and the bishop has never introduced himself to us or reached out to us in any way, even with our unique circumstances and obvious struggling. i have felt their weariness in having to approach us yet again because they yet again got an assignment to check on us. i know and can tell they talk about us behind closed doors, but if it was in concern or faith, it has never shown. i despise them for it, and i would NEVER approach them in trust and confidence to seek help with my faith. i feel like my only choice is to put on a happy face and do everything perfect for them until i can fly under the radar again.

if that's part of what made me sick today, i am in a lot of trouble.