two of my three employees are men. i talked about this for so long and then never said anything when i finally hired a guy. the world didn't crash down, and i think everyone in my office realized it was going to be OKAY. the first of the two guys got a few sexist comments, but nothing unforgivable and i wasn't really taking any of it.
being pretty and the idea of being skinnier keeps popping up in my life, and all i can think is, "there is no way to explain how much i do not care about being pretty or skinny." i think i'm still as vain as i ever was, but it's because i feel beautiful just the way i am--BELIEVE IT OR NOT! like, perfectly beautiful. but the desire to be healthy is getting stronger and i've been eating at home a lot more this week, and we've been to the rec center a couple of times. it's the smallest steps.
i've been really stressed about creativity lately. i don't know why, but ever since i graduated, i feel like i have been grossly ignoring all of the paintings i should be making. i don't even know why. i haven't even ever painted that much before. i think i'm finally realizing that creativity doesn't have to hang over me, i can create whatever i want--i can create what it is that i want to see. dh and i have both been so stressed out and threadbare, and--why? i mean, life is crappy and there's a lot of crappy things going on, but we come home from work and sit on the couch and look at each other and then it's 11:00p and that's it. why aren't we doing something awesome! why am i not creating that space and that life for myself? why can't i get off the facebook and random people's blogs and get my house clean and create an experimental time where i can just recharge and reevaluate? related: what do people DO in the suburbs? as a student i could just walk to campus and be enchanted, but somehow i don't even have the energy to do that anymore.
and if i ever do start painting or collaging or something again, my aunt has offered to sell my art and WHY AM I NOT DOING THAT?
i recently did this training that really helped me. it was a stephen covey 7 habits training and a lot of it was kind of boring but there was this one glorious day where we talked about what our big goals in life are and how to figure them out if we don't know. we did the following:
1. make a list of the key roles in your life. they can be anything. next to each role, write the name of someone with whom you have a relationship essential to that role. in a third column, write what you would like them to say about you at the end of your life. what can you do today, this week, this year, etc. so that they are saying that in the end?
2. fill the following blanks in with your immediate reactions:
i am at my best when...
i am at my worst when...
what I love to do is...
what I want in my personal life is...
my natural talents are...
if i had unlimited time and money, i would...
some of my life goals are...
the person i would like to be is...
i would like my future contributions to others to be...
what i should really do now is...
3. make a list of five people you admire or that have influenced you the most. why do you look up to them? what characteristics do they have that you would like to emulate?
4. with these three activities in mind, do a free write.
5. with all of this in mind, write a personal mission statement.
i was so edified by this that i was on a high for about two weeks. (now i am on the accompanying low, but i got so much done!) it probably just hit me at the right time and in the right place, but it was a revelation. i realized what i really want to do and what kinds of roles i really want to fill.
i slapped my personal mission statement on my resume and--feeling the clarity of grief from kate kelly's excommunication and a couple of really, truly, professionally horrible days with my boss--my job search redoubled and i was on my way to changing my life.
i've also been filling in my linkedin profile like my life depends on it. i don't know who even looks at that shit. but it has been amazingly cathartic, and it's helping me realize my direction and achievements and where my best value lies. and i feel justified doing it at work. and it's not like i have anything to do here anyway.
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