sister in law
my brother is going to be engaged and then married soon.
i am fucking hating it.
the other day my he asked me if i was "excited to have another girl in the family." my wtf at that was endless. i finally texted back that lawl mom is a girl silly, because i couldn't think of anything else to say. but i can feel it beginning. the gendering.
it was great growing up with all brothers. i always proclaimed as a teenager that i didn't like catty, fickle girls and i preferred being around guys. i've spent a lot of heart aching work clawing that internalized misogyny out of myself. but there were still good things about having all brothers. since i was the only girl i was free to meld with everyone. i think things weren't gendered too much because then i'd be alone. there were obviously some gendered things, like when the boys would go off to do "their priesthood duty", but i was never made to feel like i was a girly girl that had to do my own girly things and be girly. i recognize now that, even with my problems, i was always a feminist and leaned that way.
but now there will be another "girl" in the family and it's already the worst. not in a sexist way but in a people will be sexist to us way.
we've known the girl for a while and she's cool and right for my brother but not someone i would automatically latch on to. we're very, very different. i don't want to have to be friends with someone just because we're the only two "girls" in the family. i don't want to be forced into gendered activities and be the butt of gendered jokes. my brother already texts me jokes about "the wife is always right" and it just makes me throw up. he is PUMPED for his own little, gendered, appropriate, "righteous" version of the lds marriage, and i'm excited for him but also horrified.
i am fucking hating it.
the other day my he asked me if i was "excited to have another girl in the family." my wtf at that was endless. i finally texted back that lawl mom is a girl silly, because i couldn't think of anything else to say. but i can feel it beginning. the gendering.
it was great growing up with all brothers. i always proclaimed as a teenager that i didn't like catty, fickle girls and i preferred being around guys. i've spent a lot of heart aching work clawing that internalized misogyny out of myself. but there were still good things about having all brothers. since i was the only girl i was free to meld with everyone. i think things weren't gendered too much because then i'd be alone. there were obviously some gendered things, like when the boys would go off to do "their priesthood duty", but i was never made to feel like i was a girly girl that had to do my own girly things and be girly. i recognize now that, even with my problems, i was always a feminist and leaned that way.
but now there will be another "girl" in the family and it's already the worst. not in a sexist way but in a people will be sexist to us way.
we've known the girl for a while and she's cool and right for my brother but not someone i would automatically latch on to. we're very, very different. i don't want to have to be friends with someone just because we're the only two "girls" in the family. i don't want to be forced into gendered activities and be the butt of gendered jokes. my brother already texts me jokes about "the wife is always right" and it just makes me throw up. he is PUMPED for his own little, gendered, appropriate, "righteous" version of the lds marriage, and i'm excited for him but also horrified.
it's okay
i'm a serious person. guess what, it's okay to be serious. i'm not a social person. it's okay. i'm not a drawing, painting artist, like i dabbled in when i was younger. it's okay, i don't have to be an artist. i always told everyone i'd be an editor, but that was because it was a respectable thing to say and i hated it when they asked if i was going to teach. but i'm not really going to, probably, and guess what, it's okay, there are other games i want to play.
there's also some insecurity still. as dh and i both struggle with health stuff i wonder if life would be different if i'd just worn my apron and made all the meals and done the homecookin wife thing. but guess what, it's okay if i don't want to be a housewife and it's okay if i don't want to cook for my husband like it's 1950 or if i don't clean when i don't want to.
and there's still the church thing to figure out. mostly, i don't have it figured out. but i have decided that it's okay. it's okay no matter what my bishop thinks of me because he doesn't actually know anything about me and he's spoken to me two times. it's okay if i don't smile and massage the priesthood duty feeling bravado of his bishopric goonies or other men at church. it's okay if i'm not a perfect, thin, adoring housewife with five children at my ankles and perfect tits and hair and a perfect testimony. i'm not even sure that shit's actually real. it's okay if i don't care whether or not our home teachers make it this month when the guy making the appointment approaches both me and my husband but only greets him. it's okay for me to go to church and not want to be there. despite what my bishopric thinks, it's okay for me to go to church and stay in the library instead of going to classes and i don't need to explain myself to them. if i just don't know right now, and if i'm more worried about protecting myself at the moment, it's okay.
if i don't stop defending myself or dolling myself up or trying to appease other people, i will never heal.
there's also some insecurity still. as dh and i both struggle with health stuff i wonder if life would be different if i'd just worn my apron and made all the meals and done the homecookin wife thing. but guess what, it's okay if i don't want to be a housewife and it's okay if i don't want to cook for my husband like it's 1950 or if i don't clean when i don't want to.
and there's still the church thing to figure out. mostly, i don't have it figured out. but i have decided that it's okay. it's okay no matter what my bishop thinks of me because he doesn't actually know anything about me and he's spoken to me two times. it's okay if i don't smile and massage the priesthood duty feeling bravado of his bishopric goonies or other men at church. it's okay if i'm not a perfect, thin, adoring housewife with five children at my ankles and perfect tits and hair and a perfect testimony. i'm not even sure that shit's actually real. it's okay if i don't care whether or not our home teachers make it this month when the guy making the appointment approaches both me and my husband but only greets him. it's okay for me to go to church and not want to be there. despite what my bishopric thinks, it's okay for me to go to church and stay in the library instead of going to classes and i don't need to explain myself to them. if i just don't know right now, and if i'm more worried about protecting myself at the moment, it's okay.
if i don't stop defending myself or dolling myself up or trying to appease other people, i will never heal.
i can feel my life turning a bit and i'm excited. i've closed down my freelancing projects and am getting serious about law school and, actually, i want to write a book. i know big things are down the road for me but i know that they will take time, too. i've always been good with the artistry of the thing but i'm also someone that takes time to get it right. i'll compress and decompress for a a while and then, randomly, when it's time, a pearl will surface. i want to get back to what i love: research and writing and that deep knowledge. and this job fucking sucks but i essentially could be getting a pretty fair salary to do whatever i want in my downtime at work--i could essentially be paid that salary to be working on my book. i can feel that the time is coming.
i've been reading a lot about professional women (mostly famous women, because accessibility) and it's really buoying me up. this is such an exciting (and difficult) time to be a professional woman and a feminist. the past two or three years have been so difficult--like when babies are born and they're all misshaped and squished from the incredible pressure of being born. i feel that change--my weight's different, my outlook is different, my social life is different, my priorities are different, my MO is different. i feel that misshapenness of being born. maybe this is how everyone is but i kind of feel like a star in hyper speed--when i catch on to something i'm too passionate and too outspoken and i usually step and squash on the feelings of the people helping me and i shine really bright until that excruciating supernova comes and then overnight i'm a stable white dwarf and i burn hot but not too hot. that's what these past few years have been, and i've finally stripped away all the things other people wanted me to do and i'm realizing what i actually want to be. and it's quite a beautiful moment, right now.
i told dh the other day that i don't plan on rethinking having kids again until i'm 30. that gives me 5 blessed years to turn my life around and put in that effort that i've never really put in. he was surprised but definitely supportive and told me he'd let me know if he was starting to feel a need.
i'm kind of freaking out about turning 25 in a month. like--i am not 18 anymore. my formative years are really, truly gone. this is the real game. but i'm also getting excited about it. there is so much to do and be and i can do anything i want.
i've been reading a lot about professional women (mostly famous women, because accessibility) and it's really buoying me up. this is such an exciting (and difficult) time to be a professional woman and a feminist. the past two or three years have been so difficult--like when babies are born and they're all misshaped and squished from the incredible pressure of being born. i feel that change--my weight's different, my outlook is different, my social life is different, my priorities are different, my MO is different. i feel that misshapenness of being born. maybe this is how everyone is but i kind of feel like a star in hyper speed--when i catch on to something i'm too passionate and too outspoken and i usually step and squash on the feelings of the people helping me and i shine really bright until that excruciating supernova comes and then overnight i'm a stable white dwarf and i burn hot but not too hot. that's what these past few years have been, and i've finally stripped away all the things other people wanted me to do and i'm realizing what i actually want to be. and it's quite a beautiful moment, right now.
i told dh the other day that i don't plan on rethinking having kids again until i'm 30. that gives me 5 blessed years to turn my life around and put in that effort that i've never really put in. he was surprised but definitely supportive and told me he'd let me know if he was starting to feel a need.
i'm kind of freaking out about turning 25 in a month. like--i am not 18 anymore. my formative years are really, truly gone. this is the real game. but i'm also getting excited about it. there is so much to do and be and i can do anything i want.
i'm having a lot of pent up feelings that i need to get out.
we've been watching a lot of archer. actually, like, we watched all of it. and at the end of the last episode on netflix, we find out the main female character is pregnant. (spoiler alert? lolz oh well.) at this, i was FURIOUS. i was so upset. why is the only interesting thing that can happen to a female character for her to get pregnant? pam beesly, anyone? i know there are some very important reasons i may be overreacting. like, of course this won't happen with a male character, because that's anatomically impossible. and everyone has families. families in art are art imitating life imitating art. i get it, it's okay for characters to have families. also, getting pregnant is a really exciting and possibly the biggest life change a person can have. but still... why is it the catch all SURPRISE PLOT TWIST in movies and tv shows? like, literally, why does this have to happen? i am so furious. like, not watch the show ever again mad. at least in the office it was about pam and jim's love and their family... i guess... but archer is straight up satire on satire on satire. so like, give me a break. what a misogynistic plot choice.
the other one is how much i hate chris pratt. i know i am a terrible person for saying this and he is lovely, has a lovely family, is an actually nice guy and shit. im getting de ja vu so maybe i blogged this before but i'll never forget dh saying to me once when we were watching parks and rec together that leslie was not funny at all but that andy was the shit. I HATED THAT. please see earlier post about mook movies and comedy. leslie, a funny, well written, smart, ambitious, feminist female character doesn't have a thing on andy, who everyone thinks is funny because he's stupid and acts dumb. let me say that again. an ambitious, put together, spit-fire, feminist character cannot compare to a male character defined by being dumb. that is incredibly frustrating. then galaxy of the guardians happened, which honestly was MEDIOCRE, at best. but everyone loved it because chris pratt!!!!! and now he's a big star!!! and he deserves a mcconaissance!!!! and everyone on the internet is so excited! i understand that he's pretty much the male jennifer lawrence but that also just doesn't even compare. jennifer has been distinguished in everything she does and is a consistently great actor. then chris pratt does two "funny" (if you're into that) gigs and now he's the most important actor in hollywood. like, give me a fucking break.
i think i'm just having a bad day. but i really needed to talk to someone about this.
we've been watching a lot of archer. actually, like, we watched all of it. and at the end of the last episode on netflix, we find out the main female character is pregnant. (spoiler alert? lolz oh well.) at this, i was FURIOUS. i was so upset. why is the only interesting thing that can happen to a female character for her to get pregnant? pam beesly, anyone? i know there are some very important reasons i may be overreacting. like, of course this won't happen with a male character, because that's anatomically impossible. and everyone has families. families in art are art imitating life imitating art. i get it, it's okay for characters to have families. also, getting pregnant is a really exciting and possibly the biggest life change a person can have. but still... why is it the catch all SURPRISE PLOT TWIST in movies and tv shows? like, literally, why does this have to happen? i am so furious. like, not watch the show ever again mad. at least in the office it was about pam and jim's love and their family... i guess... but archer is straight up satire on satire on satire. so like, give me a break. what a misogynistic plot choice.
the other one is how much i hate chris pratt. i know i am a terrible person for saying this and he is lovely, has a lovely family, is an actually nice guy and shit. im getting de ja vu so maybe i blogged this before but i'll never forget dh saying to me once when we were watching parks and rec together that leslie was not funny at all but that andy was the shit. I HATED THAT. please see earlier post about mook movies and comedy. leslie, a funny, well written, smart, ambitious, feminist female character doesn't have a thing on andy, who everyone thinks is funny because he's stupid and acts dumb. let me say that again. an ambitious, put together, spit-fire, feminist character cannot compare to a male character defined by being dumb. that is incredibly frustrating. then galaxy of the guardians happened, which honestly was MEDIOCRE, at best. but everyone loved it because chris pratt!!!!! and now he's a big star!!! and he deserves a mcconaissance!!!! and everyone on the internet is so excited! i understand that he's pretty much the male jennifer lawrence but that also just doesn't even compare. jennifer has been distinguished in everything she does and is a consistently great actor. then chris pratt does two "funny" (if you're into that) gigs and now he's the most important actor in hollywood. like, give me a fucking break.
i think i'm just having a bad day. but i really needed to talk to someone about this.
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