i can feel my life turning a bit and i'm excited. i've closed down my freelancing projects and am getting serious about law school and, actually, i want to write a book. i know big things are down the road for me but i know that they will take time, too. i've always been good with the artistry of the thing but i'm also someone that takes time to get it right. i'll compress and decompress for a a while and then, randomly, when it's time, a pearl will surface. i want to get back to what i love: research and writing and that deep knowledge. and this job fucking sucks but i essentially could be getting a pretty fair salary to do whatever i want in my downtime at work--i could essentially be paid that salary to be working on my book. i can feel that the time is coming.

i've been reading a lot about professional women (mostly famous women, because accessibility) and it's really buoying me up. this is such an exciting (and difficult) time to be a professional woman and a feminist. the past two or three years have been so difficult--like when babies are born and they're all misshaped and squished from the incredible pressure of being born. i feel that change--my weight's different, my outlook is different, my social life is different, my priorities are different, my MO is different. i feel that misshapenness of being born. maybe this is how everyone is but i kind of feel like a star in hyper speed--when i catch on to something i'm too passionate and too outspoken and i usually step and squash on the feelings of the people helping me and i shine really bright until that excruciating supernova comes and then overnight i'm a stable white dwarf and i burn hot but not too hot. that's what these past few years have been, and i've finally stripped away all the things other people wanted me to do and i'm realizing what i actually want to be. and it's quite a beautiful moment, right now.

i told dh the other day that i don't plan on rethinking having kids again until i'm 30. that gives me 5 blessed years to turn my life around and put in that effort that i've never really put in. he was surprised but definitely supportive and told me he'd let me know if he was starting to feel a need.

i'm kind of freaking out about turning 25 in a month. like--i am not 18 anymore. my formative years are really, truly gone. this is the real game. but i'm also getting excited about it. there is so much to do and be and i can do anything i want.