it's okay

i'm a serious person. guess what, it's okay to be serious. i'm not a social person. it's okay. i'm not a drawing, painting artist, like i dabbled in when i was younger. it's okay, i don't have to be an artist. i always told everyone i'd be an editor, but that was because it was a respectable thing to say and i hated it when they asked if i was going to teach. but i'm not really going to, probably, and guess what, it's okay, there are other games i want to play.

there's also some insecurity still. as dh and i both struggle with health stuff i wonder if life would be different if i'd just worn my apron and made all the meals and done the homecookin wife thing. but guess what, it's okay if i don't want to be a housewife and it's okay if i don't want to cook for my husband like it's 1950 or if i don't clean when i don't want to.

and there's still the church thing to figure out. mostly, i don't have it figured out. but i have decided that it's okay. it's okay no matter what my bishop thinks of me because he doesn't actually know anything about me and he's spoken to me two times. it's okay if i don't smile and massage the priesthood duty feeling bravado of his bishopric goonies or other men at church. it's okay if i'm not a perfect, thin, adoring housewife with five children at my ankles and perfect tits and hair and a perfect testimony. i'm not even sure that shit's actually real. it's okay if i don't care whether or not our home teachers make it this month when the guy making the appointment approaches both me and my husband but only greets him. it's okay for me to go to church and not want to be there. despite what my bishopric thinks, it's okay for me to go to church and stay in the library instead of going to classes and i don't need to explain myself to them. if i just don't know right now, and if i'm more worried about protecting myself at the moment, it's okay.

if i don't stop defending myself or dolling myself up or trying to appease other people, i will never heal.