maybe no one will see this but I want to record how things are.

when my dad passed away it was the hardest part of my life, but this fall has by far been the worst. and the best. and the worst. everything in my life right now I have purposefully chosen and pursued and that is an incredible, amazing feeling. I feel whole and purposeful but fuck things have been hard.

going back to school has been incredibly difficult, but because of scheduling. I never knew scheduling could cause life to be so hellish. my car has been in the shop probably about actually six times this fall (our new car... when our old car died...) and I don't just live next to campus anymore. and I don't work on campus. so if something goes wrong it is a domino effect that I can't get anywhere or do anything.

however, school itself is going well. it is (for me) very socially rigorous and fast paced, but after feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do it I have grown a lot.

we are still planning to go to London on a five week study abroad. shit is going down, so we are at this point just willing it to happen. dh's job is on the line not just with the trip but with his student teaching, since the policy is that he can't do both. so we are dancing around that for now and don't know what will happen and if we'll have healthcare in two months or whatever else. but we are set on going.

so I took a second job and am doing night custodial at the rec center. on the second night of work I thought I had lost my freaking mind. growing up lds it was habit to pray when I felt out of control. maybe it was because I was a control freak. but any time something was happening where I felt helpless is when I would pray. on my way to my custodial job I thought to pray, which is ridiculous based on where I'm at now, but it was complete habit. I was incredibly nervous about what I was taking on. but instead of praying I told myself, I am a capable and strong person and woman and I can absolutely do that. it comforted me more than any prayer for help ever has.

the job has grown on me. I love moving around and finally getting some real exercise (some of which is a total bitch, like, how heavy are floor mats really). but it solved a lot of problems in my life. it's helped me sleep better, helped me not waste my nights away staring at screens, helped me meet new people, helped me exert my independence.

about a month ago my mom told my siblings and I that she had something to tell us that it was time we knew. I wasn't expecting it to be that my dad had had a porn and masturbation problem their entire marriage. she told us that that is the reason she has still been in therapy since he died. she told us how hard it was for her to care for him sometimes while he was passing away, feeling so much anger and hurt from their life together. she told us that she wouldn't choose to be sealed to him in the next life. she told us that even though he couldn't overcome that like he wanted to he loved our family and it doesn't change the father he was.

my feelings on this are endlessly multiplicitous. what I responded to her was that she had a right to be with whom she wanted and make a healthy life for herself. but so much more of it than that she may never know. as much as I hate how violent most pornography is toward women and gendered masturbation is in and outside the church and how evil it is inside the church, I can't condemn my father. honestly, it's not even a thought. both of these things can be used in a healthy and personal way and every body belongs to their consciousness alone. i think society has a responsibility not to abolish them but rehabilitate them. this of course I could never tell her. I think her deep mental and emotional anguish comes mostly from both of them clinging so tightly to the church that obviously had no power to heal my dad from "weakness" when he wanted to be (I assume).

since his passing she digs deeper into the church looking for respite and believing her pain will be taken away when she has learned enough, and I worry that will never happen. she has hinted that she is just as suicidal now as she ever was, especially from what happened with my dad, and I worry it will destroy her.

it explains a lot. it explains my whole life as a kid. it explains why my dad was so focused, single-mindedly, on the savior, while he was sick. I can't decide if I find peace or hurt in that. if I didn't already have fifty nails in the coffin, however, I think that would be the final one. why continue in a church that can't help my dad with something he wanted so much help with?

it has all been very weird but I've found my hustle and I'm headed somewhere of my own making in life. it's the hardest thing I've ever done but I am hopeful things will get better. I'm hopeful for the holidays and so grateful for my marriage and friends. I'm grateful for everyone who encouraged me to be myself and to empower myself. I'm starting to feel consumed with teaching and I am so excited. I am dedicating my life to and want to give to someone else the same tools that I have used to heal, to see other people, understand other people, and stand up for myself.

didn't get into u of u. which means i have little to no chance of getting into byu, though i'm still waiting to hear back. that could mean i'm on the waiting list, but there's no way to really know.

yesterday i submitted my applications to go back to byu and finish english teaching courses so i can become a teacher. it feels strange. i'm actually really excited by the idea. i hate how everyone always asks english majors if they're going to be teachers, but as i've graded essays and done other freelance work i've realized how much i would enjoy it. plus, summers off to work on research and submitting papers to conferences, etc.

and of course i could always try again with law school, and very well may do that. but i want to get on with it already!!! so the back up plan feels good. SOMEONE JUST LET ME DO SOMETHING.

male co worker: "i'm supposed to write this paper on.. women's oppression for this class i'm taking. do either of you know anything about that?" (to me and my female coworker)

(female coworker points to me)

me: i'm a feminist.

guy: oh... really. well, how would you say women are oppressed today?

me: uh........... i mean, i guess the same ways as always, maybe just a little better.

guy: ok............

me: you could write about the pay gap. it's really accessible and an easy thing to talk about.

guy: huh.

me: ....i don't really know where else to go from there. that's a pretty broad topic.

guy: yeah it is. last week i had to write one about gay marriage...

me: huh. that must be...... hard.

my new job is a day dream. no one is passive aggressive and no one gas lights me. everyone is lovely. on my second day trainer said, "you're a natural! it feels like you've been here a month." my new boss looks like juno temple. and i get a $25 gift card every time i make a cross sale.

i went through the starbucks drive through on the way home from our branch meeting this morning cause baby i'm worth it and they said the car in front of me paid for me. i asked if i could pay for the car behind me and they said, "yes! you're the fourth one!" TOM is in town so i maybe teared up a little. the guy behind me looked like michael keaton (everyone in my life is a movie star), so you're welcome michael keaton.

we didn't love the pinot noir, as you can tell, but it turns out that man from u.n.c.l.e. is a great movie to have your first drink to. i keep finding recommendations for good wines but you can't buy them here because mormon legislators.

i messaged kate kelly and told her that my realization that i could be childless by choice can actually be traced directly back to her and that as a result of that decision i've recovered from depression. i don't care what none of ya'll say, i still love her.

i haven't been this happy in a very long time.

four things

1. say hello to the newest employee of your local credit union!! my first day was yesterday.

2. i am dying to get my passport. no plans to go anywhere in particular, just love the idea that if i wanted to, i could.

3. my brother suggested we take a krav maga class together. now i'm obsessed with getting a punching bag, too. i couldn't know but maybe this is related to number two and how i will need a passport to be an international spy some day (my ultimate back up plan).

4. the calvin klein underwear campaign is totally working on me. i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it.

how i imagine it will be when i leave my job

Michael: Wow.. what is wrong with this [plant]? It looks terrible!

Pam: Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?

Michael: Yeah!...Oh, you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange the toys on my desk in a very pleasing way, it used to brighten my morning.

Pam: Oh that wasn't the night crew, that was Dwight.

bye bye bye

yesterday i gave two weeks' notice.

it was... quite a day. i don't even have the energy to tell about it. i thought i needed to go home and have an intense ugly cry (of relief) but what actually happened is that i haven't slept that well or woke up that happy for three and a half years.

just a few hours after i gave notice i got this non-anonymous exit interview online survey from HR asking for my "candor".

i wrote this:

This environment was hostile for me to the point that it affected my health. I know other employees have similar problems to a lesser degree but I had bad luck (youngest, only woman, etc). It wasn't anything blatant related to a protected class so I never contacted HR. The culture of the department made me feel like I was being too professional or that being careful or following guidelines was looked down upon. The service provided and even the student employees who are hired are often based on favors to management's friends at the university. I refused to hire a supervisor's friend/peer's daughter based on my applicant pool and the supervisor had her hired elsewhere in the department. Some things happened regularly that broke policy, such as management approving students to start working before they did their I-9s and were hired, despite my best efforts and clear instructions. Some illegal things are happening, such as supervisors telling students they absolutely may not discuss their wages, but I didn't ever feel in a position to say something or thought it would make my situation worse. I wish I had documented these things but each time I thought it would stop if I spoke up. I guess this must happen to an extent in every department but I feel for this department that it's cultural. I did everything by the book and did what was asked of me but when I voiced my professional opinions it made my situation very bad. I tried to do certain things in writing in order to protect myself but this didn't always work/wasn't greeted well and my reputation has gone down over time despite my efforts. I don't/didn't have any organizational peers so there wasn't/isn't anyone to corroborate my experience and that made life difficult. This department has a reputation for being very friendly and responsive but life inside the department is not great and employee well-being is low priority. I wish this wasn't true because BYU is a great place to work, but I feel like I have an obligation to say what happened.

i signed my name and sent it in.

i don't have anything lined up, but i am out of here.

wow, what a week.

last saturday dh arranged for my mom to come down for my birthday and we spent the morning together. which was fantastic, because i have been feeling so estranged from her. we talked about so many things i needed to talk about, especially dad. we also talked about work and kids and all the things that weigh on my mind. she pressed me again about having kids, just wanting me to tell her what i really thought. and i did, said that we don't want them and thank you for asking me about it and understanding. she said, "of course. i wouldn't want you to feel like such an important part of your life had to be secret."

buuut the day started out like this:

mom: so when are you quitting your job.
me: uh.. i'm not?
mom: yeah you are. pick a date that you're going to quit. you could give them notice on monday, a present to yourself!!!
me: laughs awkwardly
mom: pick a date. what date would you pick
me, laughing awkwardly: ok... the end of february.
mom: that's two months from now!!!! no, how about, you just walk in on monday and quit.
me, starting to lose my shit but smiling: laughs awkwardly

this went on for a while. she wouldn't let it go and i felt like breaking down in the middle of guru's. finally i said "ok" to giving notice on monday because wow i needed that to be done. i felt so awful because of course i want to quit but you can't just quit your job and give up half your income and take a gap in employment and have to explain to future employers why you literally quit. the biggest reason i wasn't leaving is i hadn't found something already so i had no reason to think i would magically find a job once i made the rash choice to literally just quit something. quite the opposite. and THEN i was feeling guilty because i was thinking things like, "mom you have barely ever worked you just don't get things like this." which is extremely condescending and horrible.

so the day got a lot better but of course monday morning came. right away in the first business hour i got rejections for the two jobs i applied to over the weekend, one for each women's group on campus. total, immediate rejections. i had spent the weekend convinced that this was the end, that i was going to move to part time work for efforts that i really, really cared about. this was the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter of peace, of working in a space where no one would demoralize me, where i could work for what i believe in, where i could actually change my life. i was more than convinced, i was actually happy coming to work monday morning. i was fucking peaceful. i had talked to dh about an arrangement with the car so that if they wanted me to go in for an interview that same day i could.

so this is the cliff i fell from. then i realized that i needed to text my mom. i started drafting something, but i knew it would be a terrible fight. right in the middle of this she texts me and tells me that when we're trying to do something heavenly father wants us to do satan will try really hard to make us fear and not do it. sooooooooooo it was news to me that god wanted me to quit my job (what's that thing about how you can't receive revelation for other people, and why did my mom think she knew this when i didn't??) and that if i didn't do it was submitting to satan (which.. i don't even know what to say about that). my little bit of fury helped me slam the text message out and send it: that i didn't today and never had felt good about quitting my job and sorry, i wasn't quitting today.

so, i have no idea what kind of terms we're on.

but the day went on and i just spiraled. work was rough anyway and the epic, utter weight of my failure in this job and in my job search fell on me. i genuinely felt like there was no point to anything. i won't go into those thoughts but suffice to say that i have never felt that helpless. yes there is law school on the horizon but not only was my application not as strong as i hoped but also.. that is a ton of debt to maybe become a lawyer and the fear is real. so basically i had no life plan, haven't been able to improve my life after coming out of depression, and what is the point anyway? when i got home i had a panic attack but then things got calm.

depression is funny because afterward you remember a sense of what you felt like and you can remember some things you thought but once you're out of it it's like you're in a difference universe.

tuesday was almost as bad and then wednesday night i got a call for an interview. (i had hit the applications hard and gave it all i've got.) and while i was on the phone with them i got a call for another interview. i went to both interviews yesterday and held nothing back.

i've also delved into volunteer research. i've been wanting to get involved in something so badly. i perused volunteer match, which i haven't always had great success with, but i found two really good opportunities. one is writing press releases and one is with a crisis group in provo. i'm nervous and have such a deep desire but feel kind of paralyzed, but i've begun to recognize that feeling and that some of my best work/risks/moves have been when i've felt like that. so i'm diving in and hope it will begin a long life of giving back, especially when i'm in such a fortunate place with a good support system and a good financial situation.

so today, i feel good. i'm taking a half day and wow it couldn't have come soon enough. the interviews went well and we'll see what happens. i've wanted change for so long. when you look at the life of someone is really accomplished, even someone who has changed the world, it almost never happens overnight. there is also a period of intense struggle and unremarkable work. so even though i've kept telling myself that i can't have everything overnight, that i have to pay my dues, i haven't seen the other side of the tunnel until now. and that is a good feeling.

-when you have to select your country online and the countries are in actual alphabetical order (not with united states at the top) so you respect them more

-when a woman who's as introverted as you comes in for an interview and you can't hire her fast enough (and she accepts!)

-when it's finally friday and tomorrow your dh is planning a day of birthday fun for you and you're feeling like

updates

despite the frenchman's lip service, things are still shitty. my job is changing once again despite my protestation and him saying we would do whatever i want and that i know best. guess whose plans we're going with? le douche's. i just got out of a meeting with him where his final soliloquy was about: "i know megan likes to bottle things up." he literally said that to me, multiple times. a of all, why are you talking to me about me in the third person. b of all, you think i like this? really? ...really? really you think this is for fun? c of all, f you. that is his favorite way to end our meetings, by telling me about me to demonstrate his superior and quick knowledge of me and that i'm so safe with him. which is... basely demoralizing and patronizing. so i'm making a promise to myself right now that next time he does it i will close the door and say:

"i find that kind of patronizing. i've been through a lot here and continue to do what you all ask me, often against my own judgement. that's a high level of respect and professionalism that i hold myself to, it's not me being stand off-ish. if you would like my opinion you just need to do is ask."

i am going to practice saying it.

christmas break was a revelation; it was so relaxing and nice.

my brother got married and the whole family was pretty sad. i got the impression that my brother's new in laws didn't really appreciate my dad overshadowing the entire wedding, but they don't really get a say and girl knew what she was marrying into. at the wedding luncheon they had the parents and bride and groom sit at the front table and there were two chairs for my parents. they never mentioned it to my mom and also didn't talk to her about it when we all got there. it was... insensitive. so we sent another brother up to sit with my mom to which the mother in law was peeved. which... again, she doesn't get a vote. but we made it through and it was okay.

also during the break i cut off my own hair. i was planning to go into a stylist forever but time and small chat and money and blah. so i chopped it. to me it kind of looks a little like lord farquaad. and i know the back is a little messed up. but it looks great in a ponytail and honestly it was so refreshing to just chop it off. so refreshing. it's probably taking self sufficiency/being independent too far, but for now it's great.

this is a pretty accurate depiction of me now:


then i went to joy and jennifer lawrence cut off her own hair too and i was like, 'omg i get that and i love jennifer lawrence way too much.' i don't think i've ever told anyone, but i cried when she got her oscar. i don't even know why. and that doesn't relate to anything.

over the break we also started, for lack of a better word, renovating our apartment. out with the old, in with the new. kind of. a lot of it is getting rearranged. which is the best thing we've done in a long time. last night we posted our couch to craigslist and some byu freshmen guys picked it up and they were so excited. i don't know why but that gave me so much happiness. it was like the circle of life--our kind of ugly but good couch went to a better cause and we just clicked with them. it was fun and now we have tons more space in our living room. also i know ikea has a reputation for cheap "college furniture" but honestly it's making all my dreams come true right now.

i rejoined ymf and joined fmh and it has been great, very stimulating. i enjoy online communities and can get a lot out of them, but am learning not to take them too seriously at the same time (in terms of it being, sometimes, a popularity contest and not quite a real life community). currently i'm finding a lot of great resources/information that way, which i've enjoyed.

next week i turn 26. it's kind of freaking me out. like, i thought i was 22? i feel like the last four years of my life have been a giant blur, not in a good way. but it also feels good, like, i'm still plugging along and i'm making it. it's been a hard year but so much changed for the good.