friday was one of the worst days i have ever had at my current or any other job.

the day started with my supervisor telling me to change one of the policies i have for my students. i completely disagreed with him and told him why. we had a long discussion about it (that was extremely awkward because he would stop talking and smile whenever someone walked by, and also made me move locations several times so no one would overhear us talking--too bad i don't have an actual workspace or that wouldn't be a problem). the problem was one i had long been dealing with and had brought up to him several times over the last few years only to have him completely dismiss my concerns. without his acknowledgement or help, i developed my own solution. still, he told me he was "confident and settled" with his decision (which he didn't ask me about even though it effects every minute of every shift for everyone on my team, and also my eight hour work day) and that when i talked to my employees i could blame it all on him and he was fine with that (because that will really help me retain the good, open, appropriate relationship with them them that i have worked and sorrowed for years to build). after it was all done, he said, "i just want you to know i'm not mad at you."

i was stunned and replied with a matter of fact "i'm not mad at you either" even though he had already walked away from me; he didn't look back and said nothing. it was so condescending and i couldn't BELIEVE he thought that the most important last thought to leave me with, that the final word of a frank but completely unemotional professional conversation should be him assuring me that he wasn't mad at me.

fast forward a few hours: my other direct supervisor, who i barely even see, had asked me at the very last minute to order lunch for him and some others because they would be in meetings all morning. never mind that i myself was in meetings literally all morning. when i finally got there and found out the food had never showed up, i took care of it immediately and then took the food in as soon as it got there. "i'm sorry," i said when i took it in, "i haven't been here all morning so i wasn't able to take care of this sooner." my supervisor said, as if to a child, "oh don't worry, don't feel bad about it. it all worked out." not only did i not give a shit about their sandwiches that they asked me to order while i was literally walking out the door that morning not getting there on time, but it's not like i was shaken up or overly apologetic or anything. it was a courteous, professional apology for a mistake that wasn't mine.

why do these men who are my supervisors feel that they need to not only invent but coddle emotions for me? sometimes i second guess myself: are people really being sexist or am i being sensitive? but in two years i haven't heard either of them make a statement like that to my male co-workers, even after heated (even yelling) conversations on work-related topics. the first supervisor steam rolls people ALL the time, and the second one is flakier to everyone than most i've worked with, but the difference with me is that they think my emotions are not only part of but the defining aspect of our professional relationship.