9:30pm, nice and comfy in bed. dh gets a call from one of his problem employees asking if the guy can take part of his shift off. dh concedes and the guy says:
"thanks for being flexible. my wife's trying to get pregnant so we have to time things just right and the timing's kind of weird."
so glad our family could be a part of your family tonight bro!!!!
today i googled "is overeating an eating disorder" and found this, which brings me to embarrassing story time.
after we got married it took a few months for underlying problems at work, my dad's tumor, the brunt of my feminist awakening, my disillusionment with the church, my sexual frustrations, and my general feeling of being trapped in our sunshiny-neighbors-up-your-hoo-haa to surface and for me to become depressed. that winter was the ninth circle of hell. i knew something was wrong at the time, but a lot of things were still okay--i was still looking into events on campus and volunteering, i was in the honeymoon phase of my marriage, i still had my friends around--and things on the surface were pretty normal.
my then-part-time work days were punctuated with a weird situation that i can describe perfectly but that i barely remember. we didn't have a car and while i would sometimes walk down to the campus grocery store to buy groceries, more and more i didn't. i had been having this weird anxiety attack about cooking for my husband because feeling like i should do it came naturally but with no dishwasher and spending 4/7+ nights at home alone i was feeling a lot of weird feminist things about it. combine all of this with my depression and with a love of papa johns pizza delivery, which i had discovered my senior year when i was exercising 3+ hours a day, and it was a set up for disaster. another big factor was $$$. when i was a senior i could afford pizza once a week. but now? now i could have it whenever i wanted and it wouldn't make a big dent in my bank account.
i'm going to be really real here and say that sometimes i was eating two pizzas a day. i would get home around 2pm and order a pizza (so easy! no groceries! so delicious! right at my door!) usually it would stop here but sometimes it has happening every day or every other day. but in the pit of hell, during the absolute worst of it, i would sometimes order pizza for lunch, eat pretty much all of it, and then i would order pizza again for dinner from a different store to avoid being judged. and i would eat it all.
it's hard to describe what made me do this, or at least it was until i found this article today. that deep sense of hopelessness and just wanting to feel better and not being able to control myself. i was consumed. i could not escape it. as i was eating it i hated myself, but i couldn't stop. afterward i just hated myself more. it was the truest sense of addiction. i've never told anyone besides dh before.
in school i had a roommate who would order pizzas day after day, usually two at a time. she would give me her credit card and beg and cry for me to keep it away from her so she couldn't order them (i think i have blogged about this before). at the time, it was like the twilight zone. she was the one who would leave her addiction recovery pamphlet from the church on the couch and then awkwardly hide it when our home teachers came. i knew she had a pornography addiction (which she was also open with us about........) but it never occurred to me then, when i was in the peak physical form and best mental space of my life, that she had an addiction to food. and to see all those pizzas coming to our house, day after day, and to see her helpless, it's unimaginable to me to think that i became her.
these days i'm in a much better place, but i'm still working to have control and find ways to improve my situation and empower myself. so as a public display of good faith in myself, i want to recommit to some suggested ways to improve.
Manage stress. - This is the most difficult factor for me... obviously. I have never done this before, but I think one idea I could follow through on is to go on a walk instead of eating when I'm bored or need to unwind. There are a lot of places a couple blocks away from where I live that I could go, and this is something I don't take advantage of like I used to.
Eat 3 meals a day plus healthy snacks. - I've developed countless "food schedules" or meal plans by week and they are beautiful things. Still, it's seriously so difficult to follow through with them. Mostly, take out is more convenient, if I buy fresh food but don't follow through it's a huge waste of money, and eating or snacking out is a huge part of my relationship with dh and what we do to relax. A key to eating healthy, I've found, is preparation. Soaking your grains and cutting up and bagging up veggies and other healthy things. So next week I'm going to take time each night to prepare some healthy options for the next day.
Avoid temptation. - Hard one, because of the social aspect (i.e. I live with someone who has different eating habits than me and I don't think it's right for me to control what he eats or say what he can or can't bring into the house). A lot of what I eat through the day comes out of my bag while I'm on the go, so today I'm going to take all the junk food out of my bag and put some healthier options in there.
Stop dieting. - I don't believe in fad diets so this is not an issue.
Exercise. - I will walk home from work (45 min walk) a few times a week when it works out for us with getting the car home.
Fight boredom. - I will keep my to-do lists up to date (I have one for work and one for personal life). If I can keep a list and put manageable, one-time actions on it, it really keeps me moving and busy with taking care of all the little things I want to do or I'd like to get done.
Get enough sleep. - I will get in bed at 10pm every night. Usually I read or listen to a TV show in bed to quiet my mind so I can sleep, but simply by going to bed earlier and on a schedule, I'll be getting more sleep.
Listen to your body and keep a food diary. - I will recommit to using my private Instagram account to take a picture of everything I eat and writing in the caption why I'm eating it.
Get support. - Well, I wrote this blog post, so that's a start! I'm a person who's usually actually dissuaded by people checking up on me, but something about putting things down in writing in public make me be honest with myself and also really think through my situation.
(i know web md self-diagnosis is not generally a great way to go with your life, but i'm pretty grateful a quick google search can return valuable information and help me learn about myself and continue trekking this road.)
after we got married it took a few months for underlying problems at work, my dad's tumor, the brunt of my feminist awakening, my disillusionment with the church, my sexual frustrations, and my general feeling of being trapped in our sunshiny-neighbors-up-your-hoo-haa to surface and for me to become depressed. that winter was the ninth circle of hell. i knew something was wrong at the time, but a lot of things were still okay--i was still looking into events on campus and volunteering, i was in the honeymoon phase of my marriage, i still had my friends around--and things on the surface were pretty normal.
my then-part-time work days were punctuated with a weird situation that i can describe perfectly but that i barely remember. we didn't have a car and while i would sometimes walk down to the campus grocery store to buy groceries, more and more i didn't. i had been having this weird anxiety attack about cooking for my husband because feeling like i should do it came naturally but with no dishwasher and spending 4/7+ nights at home alone i was feeling a lot of weird feminist things about it. combine all of this with my depression and with a love of papa johns pizza delivery, which i had discovered my senior year when i was exercising 3+ hours a day, and it was a set up for disaster. another big factor was $$$. when i was a senior i could afford pizza once a week. but now? now i could have it whenever i wanted and it wouldn't make a big dent in my bank account.
i'm going to be really real here and say that sometimes i was eating two pizzas a day. i would get home around 2pm and order a pizza (so easy! no groceries! so delicious! right at my door!) usually it would stop here but sometimes it has happening every day or every other day. but in the pit of hell, during the absolute worst of it, i would sometimes order pizza for lunch, eat pretty much all of it, and then i would order pizza again for dinner from a different store to avoid being judged. and i would eat it all.
it's hard to describe what made me do this, or at least it was until i found this article today. that deep sense of hopelessness and just wanting to feel better and not being able to control myself. i was consumed. i could not escape it. as i was eating it i hated myself, but i couldn't stop. afterward i just hated myself more. it was the truest sense of addiction. i've never told anyone besides dh before.
in school i had a roommate who would order pizzas day after day, usually two at a time. she would give me her credit card and beg and cry for me to keep it away from her so she couldn't order them (i think i have blogged about this before). at the time, it was like the twilight zone. she was the one who would leave her addiction recovery pamphlet from the church on the couch and then awkwardly hide it when our home teachers came. i knew she had a pornography addiction (which she was also open with us about........) but it never occurred to me then, when i was in the peak physical form and best mental space of my life, that she had an addiction to food. and to see all those pizzas coming to our house, day after day, and to see her helpless, it's unimaginable to me to think that i became her.
these days i'm in a much better place, but i'm still working to have control and find ways to improve my situation and empower myself. so as a public display of good faith in myself, i want to recommit to some suggested ways to improve.
Manage stress. - This is the most difficult factor for me... obviously. I have never done this before, but I think one idea I could follow through on is to go on a walk instead of eating when I'm bored or need to unwind. There are a lot of places a couple blocks away from where I live that I could go, and this is something I don't take advantage of like I used to.
Eat 3 meals a day plus healthy snacks. - I've developed countless "food schedules" or meal plans by week and they are beautiful things. Still, it's seriously so difficult to follow through with them. Mostly, take out is more convenient, if I buy fresh food but don't follow through it's a huge waste of money, and eating or snacking out is a huge part of my relationship with dh and what we do to relax. A key to eating healthy, I've found, is preparation. Soaking your grains and cutting up and bagging up veggies and other healthy things. So next week I'm going to take time each night to prepare some healthy options for the next day.
Avoid temptation. - Hard one, because of the social aspect (i.e. I live with someone who has different eating habits than me and I don't think it's right for me to control what he eats or say what he can or can't bring into the house). A lot of what I eat through the day comes out of my bag while I'm on the go, so today I'm going to take all the junk food out of my bag and put some healthier options in there.
Stop dieting. - I don't believe in fad diets so this is not an issue.
Exercise. - I will walk home from work (45 min walk) a few times a week when it works out for us with getting the car home.
Fight boredom. - I will keep my to-do lists up to date (I have one for work and one for personal life). If I can keep a list and put manageable, one-time actions on it, it really keeps me moving and busy with taking care of all the little things I want to do or I'd like to get done.
Get enough sleep. - I will get in bed at 10pm every night. Usually I read or listen to a TV show in bed to quiet my mind so I can sleep, but simply by going to bed earlier and on a schedule, I'll be getting more sleep.
Listen to your body and keep a food diary. - I will recommit to using my private Instagram account to take a picture of everything I eat and writing in the caption why I'm eating it.
Get support. - Well, I wrote this blog post, so that's a start! I'm a person who's usually actually dissuaded by people checking up on me, but something about putting things down in writing in public make me be honest with myself and also really think through my situation.
interesting to learn that adolescents and adults take the same level of precaution unless there is an adolescent audience (in which case, yep, the adolescents get reckless). would be really interesting if someone did a study on introverted and extroverted adolescents. although i wasn't really aware of it then, i was a pretty introverted teen and was baffled when my peers were saying they were, above all, grateful for their peers. this, to me, was a shortsighted and unimaginable choice when we were facing and benefiting by so many other things as teenagers.
i was just telling dh the other day that i was always the good girl. the good daughter, the good sunday school student, the good student, the good sister. good, obedience, straight-shooting, patient and always praised as such. (i think in the long run this significantly stunted my growth because i didn't develop that hunger that other people did to prove themselves and find a place where they belonged. i belonged agreeably and quietly in the pocket of all the adults in my life that were responsible for me. it kind of neutered my talents and i remained convinced this is why all geniuses are rebellious, troubled people.)
i of course had friends and they were at times a huge part of my life but it wasn't until, over the summer before 8th grade, i got contacts and dyed my hair blonde, that i became hot over night and started doing reckless things, mainly, fittingly, dating around a lot and eventually getting with my punk high school boyfriend. that little bit of beauty really came to define the rebellions i did take up (boys).
in general though, i didn't usually keep an "adolescent audience" or a lot of friends or spend a lot of time with my peers and, based on this article, is probably a big reason i was a "good girl". since introversion and extroversion is biological it's pretty interesting to think that people might be biologically predispositioned to be "good girls" and "good boys" (which, let me be the first to say, is not what it's cracked up to be and actually, again, has long term disadvantages).
i was just telling dh the other day that i was always the good girl. the good daughter, the good sunday school student, the good student, the good sister. good, obedience, straight-shooting, patient and always praised as such. (i think in the long run this significantly stunted my growth because i didn't develop that hunger that other people did to prove themselves and find a place where they belonged. i belonged agreeably and quietly in the pocket of all the adults in my life that were responsible for me. it kind of neutered my talents and i remained convinced this is why all geniuses are rebellious, troubled people.)
i of course had friends and they were at times a huge part of my life but it wasn't until, over the summer before 8th grade, i got contacts and dyed my hair blonde, that i became hot over night and started doing reckless things, mainly, fittingly, dating around a lot and eventually getting with my punk high school boyfriend. that little bit of beauty really came to define the rebellions i did take up (boys).
in general though, i didn't usually keep an "adolescent audience" or a lot of friends or spend a lot of time with my peers and, based on this article, is probably a big reason i was a "good girl". since introversion and extroversion is biological it's pretty interesting to think that people might be biologically predispositioned to be "good girls" and "good boys" (which, let me be the first to say, is not what it's cracked up to be and actually, again, has long term disadvantages).
great decision of the day is to look into daft punk interviews, and my two great finds are this article (seriously, just feast on that), and this one as well.
i just love this shit. "I think that music and any form of art means that people who are receiving things are putting the meaning to it much more than the meaning the people who create it can put into it. Except you put in into just something and then the perception of the people puts the meaning into it. Either there was no meaning in the first place or there was plenty of meaning. There is no logical link between the fact that at the end something completely meaningless might find a lot of meanings, or something that has lots of meanings in their meaning can seem completely pointless and meaningless, so the connection is just the one that connects us between the stuff how we appear and how people apprehend it and think it is."
that is some solid postmodern stuff. back in school when i was rambling on about telos and pynchon and relative, culturally-assigned meaning, this is the kind of stuff i was in love with. and this paragraph that bangalter spits out is something that someone of lesser talent and prestige would get slaughtered for by people calling "bullshit" the way kim kardashian gets slaughtered for things she says. but he's a genius so it means something.
but what i love about it is that they are turning out those unstoppable hits like "get lucky" that everyone loves. what i love about it is that only someone who believes in this "bullshit" could produce something like "get lucky". so even though most people mock the bullshit while they embrace the good beats, they are all secretly benefiting from and actually getting more happy because of postmodernism and the people doing postmodern lifting.
and today that just validated for me everything i believe in.
definitely also see here: sia. identity is the defining problem in postmodernism, and it's no mistake that both daft punk and sia both hide their faces; it's a very postmodern sentiment. anyway, so after several several several albums with different groups sia decides in 1997 to travel the world with her partner. they agree to meet in london and while her partner is there waiting for her, he dies in a car crash. after sia gets the news she hits the drugs and alcohol and this lasts for years, almost destroying her. slowly she begins to write songs and becomes behind-the-scenes famous for hits like "titanium", "wild one", and "diamonds".
the thing about songwriting these hits is the way she talks about it. i watched this interview on it and she talks about how she just gets these ideas for these songs by picking one thing, usually an object (titanium, diamonds, chandelier), and then just writing an entire song around it in like an hour. boom, done. then, though, comes the part where she sells a lot of them off because they're not true to her. she says something like, 'this is a fine song but i give it to someone else because my fans would never accept this shit from me, it's not me at all.'
next comes her immense fame and success and her own fear to even show her face and accept it because of her own struggle and weakness, so she wraps her identity and brand around this blonde wig, which she shares openly with other women, with lena dunham (a land-mine laying and stepping feminist in her own right) and kirsten wiig (a multi-talented but somewhat pigeon-holed woman very, very much nervous of and hesitant toward her own fame as well--i mean, she always snuck out the back of the rockefeller plaza after snl to avoid the crowds and won't take pictures with fans unless they promise not to post them on social media) and maddie ziegler (young up and coming, and now famous, dancer). her brand crosses in and out of and defies those identifying lines and she, as a person, is left to sort and keep her identity for herself.
and whether the public appreciates it or not ("nice try sia, we already know what your face looks like!! har de har"), she is doing something very important and brave in a time when a picture of you can go around the world five seconds after it's taken. and she's being a fucking artist at it, too, and we are all benefiting from it. the artists that can navigate that postmodern, whacked out space are the ones that are redefining how we dance, how we spend our summer nights, how we survive, how we grow, how we protect ourselves, and how we are shaping our own legacy.
i just love this shit. "I think that music and any form of art means that people who are receiving things are putting the meaning to it much more than the meaning the people who create it can put into it. Except you put in into just something and then the perception of the people puts the meaning into it. Either there was no meaning in the first place or there was plenty of meaning. There is no logical link between the fact that at the end something completely meaningless might find a lot of meanings, or something that has lots of meanings in their meaning can seem completely pointless and meaningless, so the connection is just the one that connects us between the stuff how we appear and how people apprehend it and think it is."
that is some solid postmodern stuff. back in school when i was rambling on about telos and pynchon and relative, culturally-assigned meaning, this is the kind of stuff i was in love with. and this paragraph that bangalter spits out is something that someone of lesser talent and prestige would get slaughtered for by people calling "bullshit" the way kim kardashian gets slaughtered for things she says. but he's a genius so it means something.
but what i love about it is that they are turning out those unstoppable hits like "get lucky" that everyone loves. what i love about it is that only someone who believes in this "bullshit" could produce something like "get lucky". so even though most people mock the bullshit while they embrace the good beats, they are all secretly benefiting from and actually getting more happy because of postmodernism and the people doing postmodern lifting.
and today that just validated for me everything i believe in.
definitely also see here: sia. identity is the defining problem in postmodernism, and it's no mistake that both daft punk and sia both hide their faces; it's a very postmodern sentiment. anyway, so after several several several albums with different groups sia decides in 1997 to travel the world with her partner. they agree to meet in london and while her partner is there waiting for her, he dies in a car crash. after sia gets the news she hits the drugs and alcohol and this lasts for years, almost destroying her. slowly she begins to write songs and becomes behind-the-scenes famous for hits like "titanium", "wild one", and "diamonds".
the thing about songwriting these hits is the way she talks about it. i watched this interview on it and she talks about how she just gets these ideas for these songs by picking one thing, usually an object (titanium, diamonds, chandelier), and then just writing an entire song around it in like an hour. boom, done. then, though, comes the part where she sells a lot of them off because they're not true to her. she says something like, 'this is a fine song but i give it to someone else because my fans would never accept this shit from me, it's not me at all.'
next comes her immense fame and success and her own fear to even show her face and accept it because of her own struggle and weakness, so she wraps her identity and brand around this blonde wig, which she shares openly with other women, with lena dunham (a land-mine laying and stepping feminist in her own right) and kirsten wiig (a multi-talented but somewhat pigeon-holed woman very, very much nervous of and hesitant toward her own fame as well--i mean, she always snuck out the back of the rockefeller plaza after snl to avoid the crowds and won't take pictures with fans unless they promise not to post them on social media) and maddie ziegler (young up and coming, and now famous, dancer). her brand crosses in and out of and defies those identifying lines and she, as a person, is left to sort and keep her identity for herself.
and whether the public appreciates it or not ("nice try sia, we already know what your face looks like!! har de har"), she is doing something very important and brave in a time when a picture of you can go around the world five seconds after it's taken. and she's being a fucking artist at it, too, and we are all benefiting from it. the artists that can navigate that postmodern, whacked out space are the ones that are redefining how we dance, how we spend our summer nights, how we survive, how we grow, how we protect ourselves, and how we are shaping our own legacy.
'baby you do you'
this is the best thing to hear come out of my husband's mouth.
although it might just tie with him saying that the two of us shouldn't necessarily prop up our entire plan to buy a house on his graduation and eventual job because "we have two futures to think about." what's that? a marriage where i don't have to plan my life around my husband's career? no one prepared me for this in my girlhood.
on a related note, today i was skimming a blogger's "book" (so sad that blogger books never turn out) and she had a section on good marriage advice. the first ping of advice was NOT to marry your best friend, with the reason being that asking about your hair or your jeans or talking about your period should be reserved for your "real bff" which i'm guessing she's saying has to be a girl. essentially, it was bad writing for: "don't expect your husband to be your girlfriend."
now, something feminists don't talk about much (that i've encountered yet except for toni morrison and gloria naylor) but that i think about a lot is how traditional spousal relationships are HUGE nails in the coffin for gender equality. i don't know quite how to put this in words yet but the essence of what i'm describing is:
a woman is on her period and her husband tries to initiate sex. to discourage him, she says,
"not tonight, honey, i'm tired."
it blows my mind that this is an actual thing that people do. rather than warn him that she's on her period--wait, let's back up to how does he not already know she's on her period when he lives with her??--she makes up some excuse to, i assume, spare him what are apparently the gory details of even having to hear her say that her uterus is shedding its lining like the uteri of an innumerable amount of people on the earth all do every three weeks.
then again, it also blows my mind when i spend a weekend at my parents' house and realize my mom actually cooks every meal by herself even though there are three other people over the age of 18 and no one under the age of 14 living there (all male). even though i watched her do this every day growing up, i still can't believe she actually spends at least three hours of her every day on this. so maybe i'm not coming from a strong place anyway.
to be fair, not everyone likes to talk about periods. or jeans. or hair. or cars. or baseball. there are women that don't like talking about periods, just like there are men that don't like talking about periods. but men who throw up their hands and get annoyed when any kind of "girl talk" comes up get to do that and get a pass from having to take interest in other people on the planet only because society teaches them they can and that lady things aren't worth talking about because they're gross, embarrassing, or unworthy of men's time.
(interesting to note that women stereotypically don't do this. what women do is roll their eyes, smile, and say, "boys.")
what i don't understand people not getting is that we could change what we expect of men and it would be okay! actually, it would be great. by taking all of those conversations (and unavoidably, those fears, worries, stresses, joys, and intricate parts of who we are) only to our girlfriends, we are letting our husbands know that it's okay for them not to be involved in our lives on a basic level.
i think it's safe to assume that a traditional man who marries a traditional woman based on traditional criteria probably is not having a lot of intimate, gender-theory-thought-provoking interactions with women or people of different genders in general. maybe this is only true for mormons--traditionally, in the most conservative and officially, widely taught sense, we're supposed to date superficially (don't even date one on one, just in groups), and to date a LOT of people until we meet a good business partner--i mean marriage partner who checks off the items on our uninformed, gender-guided list.
this is all while not being particularly close to anyone of the opposite sex, because that could only mean trouble, of course. the traditional man gets an unexamined, unquestioned pass on understanding what it means to be female because expecting men to learn about or be interested in not just female-gendered things but actual women is emasculating and dehumanizing. even though the traditional man knows nothing of women ("what do women want, anyway?? not even they know!"), no one is alarmed by the fact that he is entering into, in a traditional relationship, stewardship over a woman.
so our traditional male has finally acquired a traditional female essentially by her respecting his masculinity in the right ways and him purposefully knowing nothing of her femininity. and what all this leads to is a traditional, pretty superficial relationship consisting of people continuing to play up their gender roles (and having a lot of traditional marital problems, which then become accepted as "woman are just that way" and "men are just that way", which then become normalized, which then become the punch lines of marriage-themed "ball and chain" jokes, which then teach the next generation how to gender and be in a gendered marriage). a man in this situation will never have any reason or framework to rethink gender roles because the only woman he knows is great! she loves traditional gender roles!
i imagine being in a traditional marriage is like never actually coming close to your spouse as a human being. essentially, in protecting the "purity" and "innocence"--or, essentially, the separation of the genders--they are rendered inherently unable to relate to each other in life, and they aren't expected to. essentially, by dancing the dance that upholds the traditional gender dichotomy a person is saying that them acting out a gender role is more important than them getting human understanding for the unique parts of them as an individual.
i guess what i'm saying is that it's not enough for feminism to talk about abuse in relationships. (not trying to belittle abuse... there's obviously an urgency to abuse that is light years away form being addressed, despite all the effort already being made.) we really do need to expect the genders to look at each other in a different way, and people in relationships should be the first, not the last, to do this. i guess i'm saying that i'm for a comprehensive and objective sexual education (including the mechanics of human pleasure, not "male pleasure = boys are visual" and "female pleasure = women are sooo emotional"). i guess i'm saying that it should be weird for women to take their problems to their girlfriends instead of their husbands, not the other way around, and also that everyone regardless of gender should cultivate wonderful friendships with everyone else, regardless of gender. it should be more normal for husbands and guys in relationships with women to be feminists than not to be feminists. in 2015, a woman should be able to let her partner know that she's on her period, and they should be as frank in return.
mostly i'm saying the genders need to stop giving each other permission to go on being respectful (or not so respectful) strangers.
also, i realize more all the time how spoiled and truly privileged i am to have wonderful friends and an amazing husband.
although it might just tie with him saying that the two of us shouldn't necessarily prop up our entire plan to buy a house on his graduation and eventual job because "we have two futures to think about." what's that? a marriage where i don't have to plan my life around my husband's career? no one prepared me for this in my girlhood.
on a related note, today i was skimming a blogger's "book" (so sad that blogger books never turn out) and she had a section on good marriage advice. the first ping of advice was NOT to marry your best friend, with the reason being that asking about your hair or your jeans or talking about your period should be reserved for your "real bff" which i'm guessing she's saying has to be a girl. essentially, it was bad writing for: "don't expect your husband to be your girlfriend."
now, something feminists don't talk about much (that i've encountered yet except for toni morrison and gloria naylor) but that i think about a lot is how traditional spousal relationships are HUGE nails in the coffin for gender equality. i don't know quite how to put this in words yet but the essence of what i'm describing is:
a woman is on her period and her husband tries to initiate sex. to discourage him, she says,
"not tonight, honey, i'm tired."
it blows my mind that this is an actual thing that people do. rather than warn him that she's on her period--wait, let's back up to how does he not already know she's on her period when he lives with her??--she makes up some excuse to, i assume, spare him what are apparently the gory details of even having to hear her say that her uterus is shedding its lining like the uteri of an innumerable amount of people on the earth all do every three weeks.
then again, it also blows my mind when i spend a weekend at my parents' house and realize my mom actually cooks every meal by herself even though there are three other people over the age of 18 and no one under the age of 14 living there (all male). even though i watched her do this every day growing up, i still can't believe she actually spends at least three hours of her every day on this. so maybe i'm not coming from a strong place anyway.
to be fair, not everyone likes to talk about periods. or jeans. or hair. or cars. or baseball. there are women that don't like talking about periods, just like there are men that don't like talking about periods. but men who throw up their hands and get annoyed when any kind of "girl talk" comes up get to do that and get a pass from having to take interest in other people on the planet only because society teaches them they can and that lady things aren't worth talking about because they're gross, embarrassing, or unworthy of men's time.
(interesting to note that women stereotypically don't do this. what women do is roll their eyes, smile, and say, "boys.")
what i don't understand people not getting is that we could change what we expect of men and it would be okay! actually, it would be great. by taking all of those conversations (and unavoidably, those fears, worries, stresses, joys, and intricate parts of who we are) only to our girlfriends, we are letting our husbands know that it's okay for them not to be involved in our lives on a basic level.
i think it's safe to assume that a traditional man who marries a traditional woman based on traditional criteria probably is not having a lot of intimate, gender-theory-thought-provoking interactions with women or people of different genders in general. maybe this is only true for mormons--traditionally, in the most conservative and officially, widely taught sense, we're supposed to date superficially (don't even date one on one, just in groups), and to date a LOT of people until we meet a good business partner--i mean marriage partner who checks off the items on our uninformed, gender-guided list.
this is all while not being particularly close to anyone of the opposite sex, because that could only mean trouble, of course. the traditional man gets an unexamined, unquestioned pass on understanding what it means to be female because expecting men to learn about or be interested in not just female-gendered things but actual women is emasculating and dehumanizing. even though the traditional man knows nothing of women ("what do women want, anyway?? not even they know!"), no one is alarmed by the fact that he is entering into, in a traditional relationship, stewardship over a woman.
so our traditional male has finally acquired a traditional female essentially by her respecting his masculinity in the right ways and him purposefully knowing nothing of her femininity. and what all this leads to is a traditional, pretty superficial relationship consisting of people continuing to play up their gender roles (and having a lot of traditional marital problems, which then become accepted as "woman are just that way" and "men are just that way", which then become normalized, which then become the punch lines of marriage-themed "ball and chain" jokes, which then teach the next generation how to gender and be in a gendered marriage). a man in this situation will never have any reason or framework to rethink gender roles because the only woman he knows is great! she loves traditional gender roles!
i imagine being in a traditional marriage is like never actually coming close to your spouse as a human being. essentially, in protecting the "purity" and "innocence"--or, essentially, the separation of the genders--they are rendered inherently unable to relate to each other in life, and they aren't expected to. essentially, by dancing the dance that upholds the traditional gender dichotomy a person is saying that them acting out a gender role is more important than them getting human understanding for the unique parts of them as an individual.
i guess what i'm saying is that it's not enough for feminism to talk about abuse in relationships. (not trying to belittle abuse... there's obviously an urgency to abuse that is light years away form being addressed, despite all the effort already being made.) we really do need to expect the genders to look at each other in a different way, and people in relationships should be the first, not the last, to do this. i guess i'm saying that i'm for a comprehensive and objective sexual education (including the mechanics of human pleasure, not "male pleasure = boys are visual" and "female pleasure = women are sooo emotional"). i guess i'm saying that it should be weird for women to take their problems to their girlfriends instead of their husbands, not the other way around, and also that everyone regardless of gender should cultivate wonderful friendships with everyone else, regardless of gender. it should be more normal for husbands and guys in relationships with women to be feminists than not to be feminists. in 2015, a woman should be able to let her partner know that she's on her period, and they should be as frank in return.
mostly i'm saying the genders need to stop giving each other permission to go on being respectful (or not so respectful) strangers.
also, i realize more all the time how spoiled and truly privileged i am to have wonderful friends and an amazing husband.
beyonce by beyonce. i am completely obsessed with this album lately. i listen to it at least once a day. i know i know i know i am pretty behind on this, because it came out over a year ago. but i feel like it's better to discover something like this later than never. every song is so good and the production story is just so fascinating (right down to the mystery producer "boots"). i've read a lot of things about the album (best that i've read being this article), but beyonce turning her squeaky clean image on its head with this album is an endlessly beautiful thing. in an age when practically all female musicians are turning their nose up at being feminists--taylor swift, meghan trainor, katy perry--it's hard to forget that beyonce was once among them but also hard not to forgive her when this shit is happening:
i just relate to the record and its origin story, as far as how beyonce identified herself, so much. is she a feminist? yes. is it weird-hard being a feminist, and is she always evolving as one? yes. how's work? sucks sometimes, but she's learning to be her own woman. are there problems in her marriage? yes. is her marriage good though? unequivocal yes. is the sex sexy? yes. what's it like being a mom? unlike anything else (and "Blue" is unlike anything else on the album). who seriously needs to ask a woman these things? i feel like that is the heart of what she gets at with this album. who needs a promotional period for your album when your album is simply an answer to all the ridiculous, but societally acceptable, questions you've been asked your entire career?
i just love this so much, because it's my life.
people bash her for being like a robot but when you listen to how hard she is on herself to become better and to be in control it's inspiring. no one says that about michael jackson, who was notorious for his perfectionism and artistry. people bash on her because she doesn't "write her own music," but what's truly astounding is how those people don't understand branding in a day when it's the hottest business tactic in the market. beyonce owns and runs "beyonce", and the fact that she can bring all the biggest names in the industry together and they all tell her "there's something wrong with you" because she's so good is wonderful. some of what i've read has bashed her for pretending like she relates to the problems of everyday women--problems with beauty standards, with jealousy, with marriage, with work. but listening to this, we are definitely understanding each other on some very, very important and fundamental level.
and can we please talk about this?
i mean, come on. and this:
i want to record a cover of this for my dad when he dies. nothing has ever expressed quite so perfectly how i feel about my dad. we fought for you the hardest. it made us the strongest. but heaven couldn't wait for you. so go on, go home.
i just relate to the record and its origin story, as far as how beyonce identified herself, so much. is she a feminist? yes. is it weird-hard being a feminist, and is she always evolving as one? yes. how's work? sucks sometimes, but she's learning to be her own woman. are there problems in her marriage? yes. is her marriage good though? unequivocal yes. is the sex sexy? yes. what's it like being a mom? unlike anything else (and "Blue" is unlike anything else on the album). who seriously needs to ask a woman these things? i feel like that is the heart of what she gets at with this album. who needs a promotional period for your album when your album is simply an answer to all the ridiculous, but societally acceptable, questions you've been asked your entire career?
i just love this so much, because it's my life.
I'm climbing up the walls cause all the shit I hear is boring
All the shit I do is boring
The 9 to 5, just to stay alive
The 9 to 5, just to stay alive
The 9 to 5, just to stay alive
All the people on the planet
Working 9 to 5 just to stay alive
How come?
people bash her for being like a robot but when you listen to how hard she is on herself to become better and to be in control it's inspiring. no one says that about michael jackson, who was notorious for his perfectionism and artistry. people bash on her because she doesn't "write her own music," but what's truly astounding is how those people don't understand branding in a day when it's the hottest business tactic in the market. beyonce owns and runs "beyonce", and the fact that she can bring all the biggest names in the industry together and they all tell her "there's something wrong with you" because she's so good is wonderful. some of what i've read has bashed her for pretending like she relates to the problems of everyday women--problems with beauty standards, with jealousy, with marriage, with work. but listening to this, we are definitely understanding each other on some very, very important and fundamental level.
and can we please talk about this?
i mean, come on. and this:
i want to record a cover of this for my dad when he dies. nothing has ever expressed quite so perfectly how i feel about my dad. we fought for you the hardest. it made us the strongest. but heaven couldn't wait for you. so go on, go home.
stupid shit my employees (two male prospective business majors) said lately:
they are both in a public speaking class, and they were brainstorming at the last minute what to give informative speeches on. one of them told the other: "you should give your speech on how to be a woman."
after they finished bashing public speaking they once again rehashed how neither of them is likely to get into their program, or any business program (because they are both failing everything). they started looking at other majors and minors and saying things they would do as a back up. ("geology dude!! easiest major that starts you off at 100k. my cousin's doing it." "but there's an entire class just on groundwater..........") finally they came to the women's studies minor.
"women's studies. hmm."
"what, are you serious?"
"yeah, it's totally a thing. let's look at the classes." he starts listing them off and when he gets to 'women in art' the other one says--
"yeah, i could never survive that. i don't think so."
"huh. women's studies. really? why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
(this has been brought to you by how this will forever echo in my head when i look at his face and never be able to take him seriously again)
they are both in a public speaking class, and they were brainstorming at the last minute what to give informative speeches on. one of them told the other: "you should give your speech on how to be a woman."
after they finished bashing public speaking they once again rehashed how neither of them is likely to get into their program, or any business program (because they are both failing everything). they started looking at other majors and minors and saying things they would do as a back up. ("geology dude!! easiest major that starts you off at 100k. my cousin's doing it." "but there's an entire class just on groundwater..........") finally they came to the women's studies minor.
"women's studies. hmm."
"what, are you serious?"
"yeah, it's totally a thing. let's look at the classes." he starts listing them off and when he gets to 'women in art' the other one says--
"yeah, i could never survive that. i don't think so."
"huh. women's studies. really? why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
"why don't they have a men's studies?'
(this has been brought to you by how this will forever echo in my head when i look at his face and never be able to take him seriously again)
the summer i was a CA was the summer i first stopped going to church. since some of us always had to work sunday, we would essentially scavenge for wards to attend with whoever was also not working. i went a couple of times, but it was the first time in my life that i was sitting in sacrament meeting and i thought to myself, "i don't belong here." maybe it was the ward we went to most often, with those shiny perfect people on a level of tryhardness and beauty that i would never approach in the shiny and perfect business building that felt nothing like church. this is a time in my life when i was really, really screwed up. dh was in the mtc and the night after he was supposed to have flown out (he was actually delayed), i walked up to the mtc front gates after midnight and paced there and had a panic attack while sobbing (the same thing that happened the day he got endowed, actually, except i was by the field house). so i wasn't in the best place anyway.
fast forward to the summer of being engaged. dh and i lived in the same apartment complex and were in the same ward. we went to church a few times and then pretty much stopped. that ward was horrible. the thing i remember most about going to that ward was how amazingly beautiful my new engagement ring diamond sparkled in the dim lights of the room where we had sacrament meeting. we soon got shoved into the marriage and family prep class. interesting to note that i was not a feminist in my final form yet, and the first sunday of marriage and family prep we talked about men being the head of the household and i distinctly remember commenting and saying it made perfect sense because the priesthood has an order and a wife is a counselor to her husband just the say uchtdorf is a counselor to monson. (i was obviously still struggling hard with cognitive dissonance and going through all the ways i could calm my feminist self with traditional lds answers.) pretty quickly, though, the class became people going on and on about their lovey dovey gospel stuff and dh and i were definitely like "how bout we marriage and family prep at home instead," and we did.
we blamed our absence on wedding planning but really we were just enjoying the quiet of the apartments during church, and my relief society president was having none of it. she obviously thought i was a poor wayfaring lost sheep drowning myself by the wayside and assigned herself to be my visiting teaching companion. i remember her actually saying one time: "the hardest part for me about the gospel is that you can't force people to do the thing they should do." that really didn't bode well for her since she was weeks away from serving her mission, which i'm sure was an 18 month dark period of severe depression for her as she tried to berate and force everyone she met to do what she thought was right. but first, that summer we were engaged, she practiced on me.
she would schedule our appointments for whenever she felt was a good time, without consulting me. there were a couple times i was legitimately busy, as my mom was making trips down from out of state to do wedding stuff with me. but she would never budge, and she would always call and text me without stopping until i told her i'd be there. she was usually rude right to my face. one time she called to say she was coming over early before our appointment (don't remember why). i told her i was in the middle of something so i would come meet her where we had agreed. well she came right over anyway and let herself into my room without asking. i reminded her i was going to meet her in a bit and she said, "no we're going to meet right now." she wanted to say a prayer and so i told her, let's go into the front room (our room was a pigsty and also my personal space which i hadn't invited her into). she said, "no, we need to pray in here, i'm not comfortable praying out there." so we did.
she was the embodiment of everything i hated about mormon people. i would only meet more of her in the place we lived as newlyweds, and that was the end for me. i guess ragging on mormons as a lifelong mormon is kind of liking ragging on women when i'm a woman--internalized religious prejudice. but i don't know how to grow out of it and shake it off. i don't know how to go back to church, something i've thought about doing constantly, without thinking about what that type of mormon is thinking. i told dh on sunday that the reason i didn't just start going back like i was thinking of doing is i didn't want to give those nagging self righteous people in the congregation the satisfaction, like they would pat themselves on the back because they thought it was their nagging and backhanded comments that helped us come back into the fold like they were trying to force us to do.
the worst is when people say it's dumb for someone to leave the church "because they were offended." i didn't leave the church, per se, because of the cruel, manipulative, disrespectful people i've met in my wards. i left because i saw them blatantly presenting themselves as the epitome of what a member should be, and that in turn made me realize and question things about the church. it's like when they say that acting christlike and being an exmaple will draw people to the church--it was the opposite of that. they were doing what they thought the church told them to do and that's what drove me away. groupthink is the first thing to spit you out and point fingers at you if you don't go along with it. and that's what i can't reconcile in my heart.
fast forward to the summer of being engaged. dh and i lived in the same apartment complex and were in the same ward. we went to church a few times and then pretty much stopped. that ward was horrible. the thing i remember most about going to that ward was how amazingly beautiful my new engagement ring diamond sparkled in the dim lights of the room where we had sacrament meeting. we soon got shoved into the marriage and family prep class. interesting to note that i was not a feminist in my final form yet, and the first sunday of marriage and family prep we talked about men being the head of the household and i distinctly remember commenting and saying it made perfect sense because the priesthood has an order and a wife is a counselor to her husband just the say uchtdorf is a counselor to monson. (i was obviously still struggling hard with cognitive dissonance and going through all the ways i could calm my feminist self with traditional lds answers.) pretty quickly, though, the class became people going on and on about their lovey dovey gospel stuff and dh and i were definitely like "how bout we marriage and family prep at home instead," and we did.
we blamed our absence on wedding planning but really we were just enjoying the quiet of the apartments during church, and my relief society president was having none of it. she obviously thought i was a poor wayfaring lost sheep drowning myself by the wayside and assigned herself to be my visiting teaching companion. i remember her actually saying one time: "the hardest part for me about the gospel is that you can't force people to do the thing they should do." that really didn't bode well for her since she was weeks away from serving her mission, which i'm sure was an 18 month dark period of severe depression for her as she tried to berate and force everyone she met to do what she thought was right. but first, that summer we were engaged, she practiced on me.
she would schedule our appointments for whenever she felt was a good time, without consulting me. there were a couple times i was legitimately busy, as my mom was making trips down from out of state to do wedding stuff with me. but she would never budge, and she would always call and text me without stopping until i told her i'd be there. she was usually rude right to my face. one time she called to say she was coming over early before our appointment (don't remember why). i told her i was in the middle of something so i would come meet her where we had agreed. well she came right over anyway and let herself into my room without asking. i reminded her i was going to meet her in a bit and she said, "no we're going to meet right now." she wanted to say a prayer and so i told her, let's go into the front room (our room was a pigsty and also my personal space which i hadn't invited her into). she said, "no, we need to pray in here, i'm not comfortable praying out there." so we did.
she was the embodiment of everything i hated about mormon people. i would only meet more of her in the place we lived as newlyweds, and that was the end for me. i guess ragging on mormons as a lifelong mormon is kind of liking ragging on women when i'm a woman--internalized religious prejudice. but i don't know how to grow out of it and shake it off. i don't know how to go back to church, something i've thought about doing constantly, without thinking about what that type of mormon is thinking. i told dh on sunday that the reason i didn't just start going back like i was thinking of doing is i didn't want to give those nagging self righteous people in the congregation the satisfaction, like they would pat themselves on the back because they thought it was their nagging and backhanded comments that helped us come back into the fold like they were trying to force us to do.
the worst is when people say it's dumb for someone to leave the church "because they were offended." i didn't leave the church, per se, because of the cruel, manipulative, disrespectful people i've met in my wards. i left because i saw them blatantly presenting themselves as the epitome of what a member should be, and that in turn made me realize and question things about the church. it's like when they say that acting christlike and being an exmaple will draw people to the church--it was the opposite of that. they were doing what they thought the church told them to do and that's what drove me away. groupthink is the first thing to spit you out and point fingers at you if you don't go along with it. and that's what i can't reconcile in my heart.
i remember having this conversation with my mom when i was about 15. it went something like:
that is actually what she said to me and she was completely serious. she didn't mean it in a mean way, just very matter-of-fact, and to this day i still can't decide whether that was a great or a terrible thing for her to say. (we disagree on a lot of social things. like how when i saw "ps i love you" in theaters with her and my grandma, and after on our way to the car they were going on about how silly the movie was because no one should ever expect that level of romance in their marriage, that husbands don't actually really do stuff for you, and that marriage isn't really like that. i couldn't believe they were saying it then, and that hasn't ever been true for me now. but i digress.)
sometimes i still feel this way. i have this constant battle with myself. i don't appreciate people assuming they have a right to know me or take up my time with shallow relationships, and it's a big turn off to me (looking at you, everyone i've ever known only through church). but how can i say this AND always be looking for genuine connection when i'm not good at initiating or holding it? all my friendships kind of befell me. with the exception of my marriage, i was willing and active but not really the initiator in any of my super good friendships.
i'll never forget the super big fight i had with my particularly troubled roommate (you know, the one who told our bishop i was giving her depression because i wasn't friends with her the way she thought i should be), because one of her main points she kept going back to was: "everyone just wants to get to know you, but you won't let them!!" it was the most absurd thing because "everyone" in the ward didn't talk to me even though i spent months going to shit every night (who plays sardines in the church house, though, really? when they're 20?) and wrote those stupid love notes to people i'd just met or knew from around and never got one back. that sounds really bitter, but it's really not, and i didn't really care at the time. it was just kind of my one last great failed social experiment in "can i be extroverted?". but the degree to which it was ridiculous for her to say this was insane.
and really, she didn't want me to be there with her to be there with her, she needed me to be nice to her so she could feel good about herself, something she made very clear.
so anyway, who needs therapy when you have a blog.
me: "i'm so sad because no one wants me around unless they need me. no one ever wants me around because they want me there." i think i might have even said this included her, as i was always jumping in to help clean, cook, and watch my brothers.
mom: "well it's not bad being needed."
that is actually what she said to me and she was completely serious. she didn't mean it in a mean way, just very matter-of-fact, and to this day i still can't decide whether that was a great or a terrible thing for her to say. (we disagree on a lot of social things. like how when i saw "ps i love you" in theaters with her and my grandma, and after on our way to the car they were going on about how silly the movie was because no one should ever expect that level of romance in their marriage, that husbands don't actually really do stuff for you, and that marriage isn't really like that. i couldn't believe they were saying it then, and that hasn't ever been true for me now. but i digress.)
sometimes i still feel this way. i have this constant battle with myself. i don't appreciate people assuming they have a right to know me or take up my time with shallow relationships, and it's a big turn off to me (looking at you, everyone i've ever known only through church). but how can i say this AND always be looking for genuine connection when i'm not good at initiating or holding it? all my friendships kind of befell me. with the exception of my marriage, i was willing and active but not really the initiator in any of my super good friendships.
i'll never forget the super big fight i had with my particularly troubled roommate (you know, the one who told our bishop i was giving her depression because i wasn't friends with her the way she thought i should be), because one of her main points she kept going back to was: "everyone just wants to get to know you, but you won't let them!!" it was the most absurd thing because "everyone" in the ward didn't talk to me even though i spent months going to shit every night (who plays sardines in the church house, though, really? when they're 20?) and wrote those stupid love notes to people i'd just met or knew from around and never got one back. that sounds really bitter, but it's really not, and i didn't really care at the time. it was just kind of my one last great failed social experiment in "can i be extroverted?". but the degree to which it was ridiculous for her to say this was insane.
and really, she didn't want me to be there with her to be there with her, she needed me to be nice to her so she could feel good about herself, something she made very clear.
so anyway, who needs therapy when you have a blog.
one of the employees here had a nasty surgery done on his heel and leg. today his supervisor and my boss are talking in hushed tones (though not hushed enough, obviously) about his situation because he hasn't had enough sick time for this on-going problem. finally, right before they broke up, my boss said it was his own fault for "spreading himself too thin" because, specifically, "he doesn't have a wife to take care of him."
silly employee, you forgot to pick up a wife! don't you know that's what a woman is for!
silly employee, you forgot to pick up a wife! don't you know that's what a woman is for!
one of the most nurturing people i ever met was an art teacher i had. i took a drawing class from him about a year ago. we all had a big drawing due each class and we would gather around, all fifteen of us, and look at each drawing. he would listen to everyone talk about their drawing, even though it took forever and some people went on too long. at the end, he would give each person really meaningful feedback and touch on something they said. it sounds so simple, but the way he did it was so caring and so deliberate. on the first day of class he said, "if you have family problems or other problems... depression... please come see me and we can work it out." well, i did drop out about halfway through the class because of like, all those things. i wonder all the time why i didn't go talk to him, because he clearly would have understood.
another art class i took was an art history class. it was an okay class, but we were required about a third way through the semester to turn in the topic for our term paper (which is stupid, when you've barely learned anything.............. but okay. we weren't allowed to change our topic either). as much as i hated it, i was willing to do it, until he told us that because this was byu and because he had to read all the papers, we were only allowed to write about uplifting topics. no papers on war, discontent, anguish, disagreement, abuse, or anything else that could be construed in a negative light, because reading them made him sad and we had a "unique opportunity" to focus on the light. how fast i wtf'd at that i can't even tell you. that is the EXACT reason why mormons will never make great art, and the exact reason why i walked out of that class that day and never went back. it flew in the face of everything my humanities degree taught me--that we should learn about each other's suffering so we can hold up the hands that hang down, that we should be vulnerable and willing to speak out about our sorrows in case it might help another, that we should look to the heart and not to the (sometimes lying) smiling faces--and i couldn't believe he was the prominent art history professor.
another art class i took was an art history class. it was an okay class, but we were required about a third way through the semester to turn in the topic for our term paper (which is stupid, when you've barely learned anything.............. but okay. we weren't allowed to change our topic either). as much as i hated it, i was willing to do it, until he told us that because this was byu and because he had to read all the papers, we were only allowed to write about uplifting topics. no papers on war, discontent, anguish, disagreement, abuse, or anything else that could be construed in a negative light, because reading them made him sad and we had a "unique opportunity" to focus on the light. how fast i wtf'd at that i can't even tell you. that is the EXACT reason why mormons will never make great art, and the exact reason why i walked out of that class that day and never went back. it flew in the face of everything my humanities degree taught me--that we should learn about each other's suffering so we can hold up the hands that hang down, that we should be vulnerable and willing to speak out about our sorrows in case it might help another, that we should look to the heart and not to the (sometimes lying) smiling faces--and i couldn't believe he was the prominent art history professor.
yesterday i was in the drive through at mcdonalds waiting for my number two no pickles (because TOM and because dh is semi-out of town this week so, bachelorette life 4eva) when this car with its bass way up comes slowly past me and parks. out jumps this high school kid in all black, definitely going in to work. he took his time, kind of looking around, switching from his highlighter yellow nikes to his black shoes with the anti-grease slipping soles that everyone has to get when they work fast food.
it was pretty cold but a little windy and really sunny. like a creeper, i just sat there and watched him, remembering what it was like to be in his shoes. in high school. in college. just putting along how you were supposed to on a beautiful day. remembering what it's like to work a job with a bunch of other kids, and the job kinda sucks but you are all in it together and you're really close in that summer camp kind of way so the job you hate is secretly awesome. he probably got home from school an hour before and dutzed around his parents' house for a bit and then rolled in here to work on a february afternoon. probably had some homework to do and needed to get back to his friends but it could all happen on his time. and right then, it only mattered that the air was so fresh and the music sounded so damn good turned up in his car.
and that moment was so delicious. i'm a nostalgic person but i think that nostalgia often has a lot to do with my anxiety. but in this moment, i really remembered and really longed for that life that i will never get back. i was that person who almost shouted out to him to enjoy what he had even if he thought right then that it wasn't anything special.
it made me wonder, too, if that's not the feeling of being a teenager but of being a person. it made me wonder about my depression and about what's happened the last three years and if you don't have to be a teenager to have a good day. when you're an adult it seems like the good days only happen when you make them--you plan and you spend and cash out your time and money to get that feeling. or do you have to? i always get this feeling a little when the weather is going to change and summer is coming, or winter is coming. like, the grass is always greener in literally the next season of life. i hope i can turn things around and there will be more delicious days and moments in the time to come.
it was pretty cold but a little windy and really sunny. like a creeper, i just sat there and watched him, remembering what it was like to be in his shoes. in high school. in college. just putting along how you were supposed to on a beautiful day. remembering what it's like to work a job with a bunch of other kids, and the job kinda sucks but you are all in it together and you're really close in that summer camp kind of way so the job you hate is secretly awesome. he probably got home from school an hour before and dutzed around his parents' house for a bit and then rolled in here to work on a february afternoon. probably had some homework to do and needed to get back to his friends but it could all happen on his time. and right then, it only mattered that the air was so fresh and the music sounded so damn good turned up in his car.
and that moment was so delicious. i'm a nostalgic person but i think that nostalgia often has a lot to do with my anxiety. but in this moment, i really remembered and really longed for that life that i will never get back. i was that person who almost shouted out to him to enjoy what he had even if he thought right then that it wasn't anything special.
it made me wonder, too, if that's not the feeling of being a teenager but of being a person. it made me wonder about my depression and about what's happened the last three years and if you don't have to be a teenager to have a good day. when you're an adult it seems like the good days only happen when you make them--you plan and you spend and cash out your time and money to get that feeling. or do you have to? i always get this feeling a little when the weather is going to change and summer is coming, or winter is coming. like, the grass is always greener in literally the next season of life. i hope i can turn things around and there will be more delicious days and moments in the time to come.
my boss is not afraid to hunt you until he kills you. he calls everyone from his office (even the people in the neighboring offices five feet away). i think this is so he can keep all his papers and shiz in one place right in front of him and never get flustered or interrupted. if the person he's calling is on the phone (in their office.... right next to him........), he will call their cell phone and leave a message (even though he can hear their phone going off in the next room... and probably hear them on their office phone......................) so that the ball isn't in his court and he doesn't have to try again later.
that's the key phrase to understanding my boss. he never, never, NEVER, NEVER wants the ball in his court.
he called you and you're not there? he will leave an extremely detailed note with whoever the call forwards to (even if it's your co worker or boss) so that, in his words, you can remind him what he was going to tell you when you call him back and he doesn't have to remember or keep it on his to do list. (if you don't say the thing on the note he said he was calling about he won't remember or he'll act really put out.)
he's returning your call and you're not there? he will just leave another message.
he asked you to do something and you didn't do it within an hour? he will do it himself (without telling you) so he knows it's done and he doesn't have to check in.
stepped away from your desk? he will leave passive aggressive sticky notes on your computer instead of checking in with you later. even if you've left for the day, and he knows you've left, he will put a sticky not there asking you to close a spreadsheet you might have open that he now won't get to until tomorrow anyway, just so you know he would have asked you.
on vacation? he will call you. until you pick up.
not in your office but he wants to talk to you? he will close your office door, effectively setting a trap for you so that--in his words--he can hear you when you come back. get back to your office and have a call to make that's more important than talking to him right that second (which you do make right after you get the keys to open your office door again because it automatically locks and he closed it)? he will stand there to ensure the person you're calling picks up (if they don't, he can talk to you), and if they do, he will go back to his office while you're on your call (so he can keep working, so he doesn't waste time. he will literally go back in his office to keep working for thirty seconds if he's trying to leave the building with someone but they have to run back for their keys). he will work in his office and, like he made sure to tell you, watch your line on his phone so he can see when you're done with your call and come right back.
(yeah.... that just happened.)
my other favorite is when he sends someone an email and then immediately calls them. he'll ask, "do you want me to send you an email about this?" [they answer yes or no.] "well, i already did."
i think in his mind he is the killer of killers. he is the killer you want on your team because that thing WILL get done WHEN he says it will unless he's dead. but to me, this is just the laziest set of asshole moves i've ever seen because he genuinely thinks he's more important than everyone else and never takes responsibility.
for anything.
this is what my every single work day is like. 8 hours of this. every day.
that's the key phrase to understanding my boss. he never, never, NEVER, NEVER wants the ball in his court.
he called you and you're not there? he will leave an extremely detailed note with whoever the call forwards to (even if it's your co worker or boss) so that, in his words, you can remind him what he was going to tell you when you call him back and he doesn't have to remember or keep it on his to do list. (if you don't say the thing on the note he said he was calling about he won't remember or he'll act really put out.)
he's returning your call and you're not there? he will just leave another message.
he asked you to do something and you didn't do it within an hour? he will do it himself (without telling you) so he knows it's done and he doesn't have to check in.
stepped away from your desk? he will leave passive aggressive sticky notes on your computer instead of checking in with you later. even if you've left for the day, and he knows you've left, he will put a sticky not there asking you to close a spreadsheet you might have open that he now won't get to until tomorrow anyway, just so you know he would have asked you.
on vacation? he will call you. until you pick up.
not in your office but he wants to talk to you? he will close your office door, effectively setting a trap for you so that--in his words--he can hear you when you come back. get back to your office and have a call to make that's more important than talking to him right that second (which you do make right after you get the keys to open your office door again because it automatically locks and he closed it)? he will stand there to ensure the person you're calling picks up (if they don't, he can talk to you), and if they do, he will go back to his office while you're on your call (so he can keep working, so he doesn't waste time. he will literally go back in his office to keep working for thirty seconds if he's trying to leave the building with someone but they have to run back for their keys). he will work in his office and, like he made sure to tell you, watch your line on his phone so he can see when you're done with your call and come right back.
(yeah.... that just happened.)
my other favorite is when he sends someone an email and then immediately calls them. he'll ask, "do you want me to send you an email about this?" [they answer yes or no.] "well, i already did."
i think in his mind he is the killer of killers. he is the killer you want on your team because that thing WILL get done WHEN he says it will unless he's dead. but to me, this is just the laziest set of asshole moves i've ever seen because he genuinely thinks he's more important than everyone else and never takes responsibility.
for anything.
this is what my every single work day is like. 8 hours of this. every day.
-my brother came and stayed with us this weekend and he was so sick. all of my employees were sick last week. i am getting nervous and kind of ragey at all of them--for not covering their sneezes, for wiping their noses with their hands and then touching stuff, for not staying home from work and taking care not to infect everyone. usually i make jokes about hugging sick people so i can stay home from work, which is the best. but the annual leadership retreat--the one that demolished me last year, the one where i worked in the kitchen and cried the entire way home--is coming up a few weeks and i am dead set on being "sick". i've had this planned out in my mind since probably november and i've been careful not to take sick time so it wouldn't seem weird when i was sick come march. yes... this is the level i have dropped to. there is nothing that could compel me to go to that retreat. when i brought it up on facebook a while back everyone was like "stick up for yourself!" "tell them you won't go!" "tell them it's sexist and you're worth more!" and i was like "yeah!" but in reality i would NEVER do this. my boss is so tone deaf that i literally don't think he would understand what i was saying. the reality of how much they would not get it is endless. i know i should be a feminist pioneer and stand up for myself, but in an already putrid and terrible situation with my relationships and job here, it just seems like the more noble and sensible thing to do is just stay home sick. i keep going back and forth from telling myself i'm a coward to telling myself i'm taking the noble way out. maybe it's a bit of both. but i will not suffer that humiliation again.
-it makes me twitchy when parents say they are supporting their daughter's choice in being all-pink-loving, all-princesses and fairies little girls. someone told me once that i was being a bad feminist if i didn't support a little girl's choice to be obsessed with pink culture. i'm having a really hard time with it because yes, girls should be able to choose to love whatever they want but, at the same time, when three year olds are crying to their moms that they want "yellow" hair instead of brown hair, when clothing for toddlers is sexualized and when the girls are facing crushing social pressure to conform to gender stereotypes, i think there's a responsibility to teach girls to look beyond pink and to teach them that pink can be harmful. how to teach that to three and six year olds, i don't know, but let's just say there's a reason i'm not having kids right now. little girls have just as much right to identify with a feminine gender as any person of any sex, but when do you know that you're overcompensating in the case of little girls in particular?
-speaking of which, i've been thinking really seriously about being childless by choice. so, that's complicated.
-birdman rocks and i was elated that it won best picture, even though i doubt it would have won in a straight popular vote. everyone's pretty cynical about it, saying it's the industry patting itself on the back, which i don't really see because i thought it was ENDLESSLY cynical toward the entire entertainment industry. for me it was an epic, grand commentary on social media and the way we live our lives socially these days. i saw it right when i was in the thick of my facebook hate-delete, so maybe i saw it from an angle that was really personal. but i thought it was layered and beautiful and deep and the most wonderful movie of the year. related, if i have to listen to my employees talk about voldemort or "ralph finers" in the grand budapest hotel i'm gonna lose it. i thought adam levine's performance was terrible. i think he is one of the grossest playboy sell outs of this generation. so there, i said. and while i'm at it, i've done everything i could to get into taylor swift and i do. not. get. it. maybe someone can convince me. i think her music is... bad.
-applied to another job that's a perfect fit. it closes tomorrow and i already feel like i'm going to throw up out of disappointment. the thing about this company is they hire from the inside A LOT of them time. which... i get it. but they also do this passive aggressive thing where, even if they already have someone in mind or straight up have someone picked out, they still interview applicants. not just the top applicants, but ALL the applicants. so pretty much it's a HUGE waste of time and receiving an interview isn't actually any indication that they are seriously interested in you. i don't know how it got to be part of the culture here but i frankly think it should be illegal. i'm pretty stable and i'm a whiner but i'm doing okay, but imagine if someone unemployed was looking for a way to support their family. it's pretty selfish of a company to take time and energy away from other possible applications so they can give themselves pats on the back for being nice. and i wish they would just be like "lol nah, thanks for applying."
-it makes me twitchy when parents say they are supporting their daughter's choice in being all-pink-loving, all-princesses and fairies little girls. someone told me once that i was being a bad feminist if i didn't support a little girl's choice to be obsessed with pink culture. i'm having a really hard time with it because yes, girls should be able to choose to love whatever they want but, at the same time, when three year olds are crying to their moms that they want "yellow" hair instead of brown hair, when clothing for toddlers is sexualized and when the girls are facing crushing social pressure to conform to gender stereotypes, i think there's a responsibility to teach girls to look beyond pink and to teach them that pink can be harmful. how to teach that to three and six year olds, i don't know, but let's just say there's a reason i'm not having kids right now. little girls have just as much right to identify with a feminine gender as any person of any sex, but when do you know that you're overcompensating in the case of little girls in particular?
-speaking of which, i've been thinking really seriously about being childless by choice. so, that's complicated.
-birdman rocks and i was elated that it won best picture, even though i doubt it would have won in a straight popular vote. everyone's pretty cynical about it, saying it's the industry patting itself on the back, which i don't really see because i thought it was ENDLESSLY cynical toward the entire entertainment industry. for me it was an epic, grand commentary on social media and the way we live our lives socially these days. i saw it right when i was in the thick of my facebook hate-delete, so maybe i saw it from an angle that was really personal. but i thought it was layered and beautiful and deep and the most wonderful movie of the year. related, if i have to listen to my employees talk about voldemort or "ralph finers" in the grand budapest hotel i'm gonna lose it. i thought adam levine's performance was terrible. i think he is one of the grossest playboy sell outs of this generation. so there, i said. and while i'm at it, i've done everything i could to get into taylor swift and i do. not. get. it. maybe someone can convince me. i think her music is... bad.
-applied to another job that's a perfect fit. it closes tomorrow and i already feel like i'm going to throw up out of disappointment. the thing about this company is they hire from the inside A LOT of them time. which... i get it. but they also do this passive aggressive thing where, even if they already have someone in mind or straight up have someone picked out, they still interview applicants. not just the top applicants, but ALL the applicants. so pretty much it's a HUGE waste of time and receiving an interview isn't actually any indication that they are seriously interested in you. i don't know how it got to be part of the culture here but i frankly think it should be illegal. i'm pretty stable and i'm a whiner but i'm doing okay, but imagine if someone unemployed was looking for a way to support their family. it's pretty selfish of a company to take time and energy away from other possible applications so they can give themselves pats on the back for being nice. and i wish they would just be like "lol nah, thanks for applying."
also, feeling skeeved out by the grammys. the first time i heard sam smith's 'stay with me', i thought it was john legend. not like, i thought it was a new john legend song; i could have sworn it was a john legend song from a few years ago and i was wondering why they were playing an obscure john legend song on the radio. i know john is decorated and doing well, but that's not really the point. sam smith seems lovely but it's a big no to his music from me.
and as for iggy azalea vs. azealia banks, i am 1000% team azealia. "head over heels"? c'mon. it's like a bad joke you ha ha womp womp at once and then it's stale. if this is your a-game material, it's not even good. i probably would have stayed in shape if i knew huge butts were going to be in style in three years, but that's about all it does for me.
and as for iggy azalea vs. azealia banks, i am 1000% team azealia. "head over heels"? c'mon. it's like a bad joke you ha ha womp womp at once and then it's stale. if this is your a-game material, it's not even good. i probably would have stayed in shape if i knew huge butts were going to be in style in three years, but that's about all it does for me.
taking a day off work to clean up house and relax at home is the best thing. i get special pleasure out of taking time for myself when i know everyone else is at work and going about normal business.
also, it's sometimes ultimately a good thing that i don't want to put on clothes to go get food or even order something and answer the door. because then i have to eat the healthy shiz in my cupboards that i usually choose to look over. especially that stuff i bought at costco like, "hell yeah, i am going to get healthy in bulk."
also, we paid off our credit cards today and i think we really have the discipline now to keep them paid off probably since we got married. and that is the best feeling.
also, it's sometimes ultimately a good thing that i don't want to put on clothes to go get food or even order something and answer the door. because then i have to eat the healthy shiz in my cupboards that i usually choose to look over. especially that stuff i bought at costco like, "hell yeah, i am going to get healthy in bulk."
also, we paid off our credit cards today and i think we really have the discipline now to keep them paid off probably since we got married. and that is the best feeling.
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