i remember having this conversation with my mom when i was about 15. it went something like:

me: "i'm so sad because no one wants me around unless they need me. no one ever wants me around because they want me there." i think i might have even said this included her, as i was always jumping in to help clean, cook, and watch my brothers.

mom: "well it's not bad being needed."

that is actually what she said to me and she was completely serious. she didn't mean it in a mean way, just very matter-of-fact, and to this day i still can't decide whether that was a great or a terrible thing for her to say. (we disagree on a lot of social things. like how when i saw "ps i love you" in theaters with her and my grandma, and after on our way to the car they were going on about how silly the movie was because no one should ever expect that level of romance in their marriage, that husbands don't actually really do stuff for you, and that marriage isn't really like that. i couldn't believe they were saying it then, and that hasn't ever been true for me now. but i digress.)

sometimes i still feel this way. i have this constant battle with myself. i don't appreciate people assuming they have a right to know me or take up my time with shallow relationships, and it's a big turn off to me (looking at you, everyone i've ever known only through church). but how can i say this AND always be looking for genuine connection when i'm not good at initiating or holding it? all my friendships kind of befell me. with the exception of my marriage, i was willing and active but not really the initiator in any of my super good friendships.

i'll never forget the super big fight i had with my particularly troubled roommate (you know, the one who told our bishop i was giving her depression because i wasn't friends with her the way she thought i should be), because one of her main points she kept going back to was: "everyone just wants to get to know you, but you won't let them!!" it was the most absurd thing because "everyone" in the ward didn't talk to me even though i spent months going to shit every night (who plays sardines in the church house, though, really? when they're 20?) and wrote those stupid love notes to people i'd just met or knew from around and never got one back. that sounds really bitter, but it's really not, and i didn't really care at the time. it was just kind of my one last great failed social experiment in "can i be extroverted?". but the degree to which it was ridiculous for her to say this was insane.

and really, she didn't want me to be there with her to be there with her, she needed me to be nice to her so she could feel good about herself, something she made very clear.

so anyway, who needs therapy when you have a blog.