we are now in a new phase of cancer called: Dad is in Denial, Hurts Me, and says Other Rash Things.

i thought my dad deciding before christmas not to have any more brain scans until he showed symptoms was a good thing, but now he refuses to even say the word "cancer". he went to a couple of support group sessions and then stopped going because he's determined to be "normal again" and completely rejects the idea that he is living with a disease that will kill him and that he should be making the best of the time he has. my mom told me that at christmas he kept saying to her that he would just spent time with us kids later when he felt better (we all got together at their house specifically to spend time with him) and he could just bow out if he felt like taking a nap or didn't like the game or wanted to watch tv. he doesn't understand that he is the best right now that he will ever be.

this is all punctuated with his difficult behavior. bickering with my teenage brothers about stupid stuff. singing twinkle twinkle little star when everyone's trying to be serious during family home evening. after we had a positive exchange about my applying to law school he said, "well we need a lawyer in the family. the one we had killed himself." (his brother, my uncle, who died right before my wedding.)

he's always been a sarcastic, dry, opinionated person but he also just has no power to control it lately. when the movie selma came up he went on and on about how the reason he didn't go see it is because he didn't need to sit through a movie about black power, even though he was "grateful for what dr. king did." and his comments about fat people. oh, the comments. he was in my passenger seat when i was driving and he warned me to watch out for this kid (who i don't even actually think was overweight) because if i "hit him he'll leave a dent in your car." he then went on and on about how bad he feels for fat people because "if you look at their legs they make an 'A' shape" because, essentially, in his opinion, their legs are bowing under the weight of their body. he then went on about the manholes on the road and how sad it is "nowadays" that they are bigger because "they must have a fat guy working for them."

maybe i just watch too much grey's anatomy, but to me it feels like the tumor is already back. that's always how they explain uncharacteristic personality changes so maybe it's just easy to tell myself.

we visited them last weekend, for the first time in three months. mostly i want to be there for my mom, who is essentially being crushed under all of this and the only one holding their pissy shit together (seriously, why is everyone in that house so pissy). but it drained me to be there. their house is a hotbed for contention and disagreements, between my dad and my teenage brothers. then add to the mix my engaged brother (and his fiance who hates my mom) who, after waking me up when he was coming to bed one night (we both slept in the living room), spent a short amount of time trying to convince his fiance that i was asleep so please just climb on him and make out with him.

it's not the same. and of course it isn't. but it already hurts too much and we're not even in the descent.