the day i discovered plus size clothing was one of the best of my life. they make clothes for my people. and while i try to become healthier i don't have to feel like my clothes are judging me.

recently someone asked my dh if he and i were having kids soon. he started running away and shouted, "NEVER!"

and we may or may not have pinky promised the other night that we wouldn't ever have kids. and we weren't drunk. not that we drink, but i just feel like that needs to be said. 

is that bad?

my boss gets an email every time i create a new employee in our system. every time, without fail, that the new employee has an uncommon name (usually international students), he will call me into his office just to ask me:

'is this person a man or a woman?'

i hate this question. so much. why--ever, ever, ever, ever x1000--would he need to know this? i will usually mumble which one it is and politely huff off.

maybe from now on i should say, 'i don't know, does it matter?'

most likely, he will NEVER have any kind of personal interaction with these students, he just sees their names on the screen. but still, he just can't be comfortable until he knows if some arbitrary person under him that he will never meet in person has a vagina or penis so he can make sure to treat them accordingly.

mother's day service

the most gag worthy part of church on mother's day was when a woman from the rs presidency opened by saying, "nice to see all you nurturers today!!"

but the worst part of church on mother's day was when the stake president got up at the end of sacrament meeting and said the following:

"i was surprised to learn not long ago that some sisters actually feel quite uncomfortable or sad on mother's day. rather than having them tell you why that is, i'm going to offer what i think: i think it's a matter of perspective." he then went on to talk about how women are easy to forget they are daughters of god and then tell us all why women (yes, talking in the third person about all us ladies there) are so wonderful. (i don't think he ever addressed the women.)

i hated it so much i wanted to scream. i have no doubt that he, as a church leader, has had some women--or more likely, couples--open up to him about issues, most likely infertility. i am sure he loves the women in his life and feels he respects him. i can also understand that he wouldn't/shouldn't have gone in to any specifics about what people have told him in private. but why does he think he gets to diagnose and tell women what their problem is? especially after he KNOWINGLY denied women a voice, even through him.

it also makes about 0% sense to me that he decided that the problem was that women just forget they're daughters of god. i'm guessing what he meant was that women who struggle with becoming mothers should feel better because they're daughters of god and all blessings are promised in this life or the next blah blah. but he didn't say that, and even if he did, that doesn't make it better. 

seems to me so many lds women struggle on mother's day in church because the church places suffocating focus on becoming and being a perfect mother, so much so that women become depressed and feel they aren't valued for every other thing in their lives. and even if a woman does struggle with infertility and is comforted by knowing 'blessings' will come to her in 'the next life,' that does not ease or erase the fact that she will spend her life in a church that defines womanhood in only one way, champions misnomers as doctrine, and gives her no other guidance or goal besides one she can't obtain. and if she doesn't take comfort in it, it especially doesn't make her silly or shortsighted or just teehee a typical woman.

also, "women" and "mothers" are NOT interchangeable. "mother" is the name for a woman who has children. women with no children are not mothers. the possibility that they will have children in the future does not make them a mother. so if it was actually women's day they were wanting to celebrate, they missed it because it was on march 8th. 

so many things to say about this but it's getting long, so poo on you stake prez, and you can stick your advice up your--.

today i feel nothing. my mom has clinical depression, so i always feel selfish saying i have depression, even if it might be true, because it feels weird to say i suffer in any measure close to what she has, having seen her struggle. it comes in spells and always starts with getting in bed at night and suddenly believing my husband and family rightly hate me, that i am useless and have failed at everything in my life, and that nothing will ever get better. sometimes i wake up and can make it to work and do things just fine. this morning i told everyone at work i thought i had pink eye (to be fair, my eye is f'ed up) and that i was going to stay home in the morning to see how it went. i don't know why i don't just tell my boss (or his boss, who is 1000 times more sympathetic and down to earth) that i have depressive episodes. probably because then someone might say i should actually get checked out and i just don't want to go there. i usually make up some excuse if i can't bear to come in to work, and it happens often enough that my boss has stopped telling me to feel better and started saying, 'okay. thanks for the heads up.' i know he doesn't believe me, and i probably wouldn't believe me either, but he wouldn't understand. someone who hasn't had a close encounter with depression--themselves or a loved one or friend--would never fully have the patient understanding of what it means to have someone say,

'i won't be in today. i just cannot do it. i cannot get out of my bed, but i feel a little ok when i lie here and do nothing.'

'i can't get off the floor.'

'i sat down to go to the bathroom and i seriously just don't know when i'll be able to get up.'

'i can't stop giggling uncontrollably and saying stupid, annoying shit like i'm four, and if i could i would have to feel my depression and i can't deal with it.'

'i'm not coming in because i can't bear it, but don't worry, it's not like i'm skipping and having fun. i can't even watch netflix, because the more i watch the more i hate myself.'

these are all things i could have really said instead of making an excuse to my boss. i have the sick time and i always get my work done, but i still don't feel like i can say i'm having a bad day.

i was zoning out while staring at my computer and so unable to focus on something that i scrolled my mouse a little to make it look like i was reading something instead of just staring straight ahead when i decided to write this, and it's making me feel a little bit better.

also, apparently latinos are either the "most loving people in the world" or else "gang bangers" if "satan gets to them." no in between. #officewisdom

"why change the best healthcare system in the world?"

someone just said this in my office. lady, do you know anything about healthcare?

"do you see what i'm saying?"

this is the single most disrespectful, condescending thing i hear in an office full of men.

i love getting mainsplained in the morning... for twenty minutes... about my job (that i did correctly, despite what you think, sir)... at my desk... in front of the entire office. humiliating. on a good friday, too. i did stand up for myself, though, and i am growing in self respect, which is kick ass. it made him go back on what he said and kind of piss himself.

"i'm not telling you how to do it"
(yes you just did)

"i don't really know anything about it"
(no you don't)

cw: temple

this.

more and more, i feel an overwhelming desire to do only one of two things:

1 - completely walk away from the church. probably look for a different religion that focuses on kindness, acceptance, and love without exception, but probably not another church.

2 - fast, pray, search, and cry unto the God i believe in for answers and for the spirit, and for further revelation and guidance for the church. for every major decision in my life, i have felt a calm, peaceful, lack of answer from heaven. i have found this liberating, and seen it as a sign that i should choose for myself and all would be well, no matter what i selected. it was a great sign of autonomy for me. now, though, i find it terrifying and destroying. what if i pray, fast, search, and cry to God for an answer and there is none? do i truly believe i could receive an answer? if i don't, because i haven't ever received a grand, sweeping answer before, is that--my disbelief--what's preventing me from getting an answer? is it possible that God would let sexism, discrimination, suffering, and essentially a giant, engulfing, dark cloud of misunderstanding not only permeate but define the gospel? do i have faith to keep going? sometimes i feel that i would submit everything to Him, that i would suffer it all and rely on faith in pain. but what if it's not true, and i spent my life dedicated to a church that ended up not being true, that i suspected wasn't true? spent my time doing what others told me was good when i saw it was not good? or am i more afraid that it is all true, and that women are, truly, in the most demeaning sense of the word, appendages? vessels for bearing children and nothing more?

heavenly mother,
are you really there?
and do you see and answer
every single tear?
some say that all
has now been said,
and i feel thy absence
'round me as i'm led.

heavenly mother,
i remember now
something that jesus told
a disciple long ago.
'woman, why weepest,
whom seekest thou?'
mother, in faith i'm coming
to thee now.

beard card

if i have to listen to my boss lecture one more person about their beard card, i'm going to punch a baby dolphin. if it comes up AT ALL, he gives them the whole go.

"what is the purpose for your beard card? . . . ok, well, the beard card is only for medical reasons, so if you can not shave for a medical reason. so if that clears up, even before your beard card expires, make sure you start shaving and not just keep your beard card because you have it. that is not what it's for."

"well, the beard card is not for your comfort. it's only for when your skin is too irritated to shave. so as soon as you can, you need to start shaving. it's not for employees to take advantage."

"it's not honest to keep a beard card if you can shave."

why don't you tell us how you really feel about this ridic rule.

dream

i was hanging out with a group of people and we were working on something. it was time to eat so we started semi-lining up. there wasn't a clear line, but i was clearly one of the next few people, having waited a while. still, a guy acquaintance from high school stepped sideways right in front of me. "ok," i thought, and i stepped around in front of him. i put my hand on his arm and said, "i'm sorry, but i'm working on exerting myself." knowing him, i thought for sure he'd understand, but he said, "why would you need to exert yourself?"

maybe it's too much mad men.

normal day at the office. the last fifteen minutes of one of our meetings today was my boss telling everyone how he'll be gone because he's taking his family to DC for training he's attending. he said they got white house passes from our senator and that when he meets "mr. obama" he'll get to shake his hand "...........or not." this was followed by all our co-workers slamming obama in different ways, and ended with someone saying: "well, did you hear?? they're going to haul a big chunk of coal to mt. rushmore and add him a new portrait."

also said by my boss today (of a co-worker's new grandchild): "jacob is a good name. bible names NEVER go out of style." (he has a biblical name.) (so do his six brothers.) (they all own proximate land and live together in the mountains. for realsies.)

boss: "how's your dad doing?"

me: "well, he's finished with his chemo and his baseline scan was really good, no signs of disease. now he's just tired ALL the time. he will sometimes sleep 12 - 15 hours a day, not including naps, and still be tired. he has always slept a lot his whole life, but now he's just always trashed. they've just started him on steroids again to see if they will jump start his body."

boss: "oh. hum. well, i've heard that sleeping more than you need can make you as tired as sleeping not enough. so maybe he's sleeping too much?"


dude, do you even know what cancer is??? i'll be sure to tell him and his doctors that he's just sleeping too much.

"does your wife work outside the home?"

these are the things the men in my office ask each other.

the guy who was asked, who was a guest in the building, responded quietly that his wife has reactive attachment disorder, so they never had kids. to this, my boss heartily replied that his brother and his wife couldn't have kids, so they adopted ten. #righteous

ow

my response, in my head, to every person i have ever heard say something negative about ordain women:

i'm not a member of ordain women but i am completely supportive of them as a mormon and as a feminist. contrary to what you just said, i find that they, on average, actually know much, much more about church history and how the church functions than the average member. for example, women in the early church gave blessings and it can even be said that some were ordained by joseph smith. most members don't know this. most members also don't know that the women who asked for entrance into priesthood session on temple square last year were not protesting in any way--they were waiting quietly in line and doing as they were asked. i think they even sang hymns. the use of the word 'protest' by church pr is misleading and, frankly, slanderous. despite ow's respectful attitude, the church reps told them there were no seats available even though the broadcast from inside the conference center clearly showed there was enough room for them and then some. not only that, but they were not allowed to use overflow seating, and a garbage truck was moved in front of the entrance to the tabernacle where the group was waiting and the church reps took off. it sat there until the women left. telling someone to just leave the church is about the most unchristlike thing a member could say, and it directly conflicts with their covenants and with the professed missions of the church.

other thoughts:

- ow is not a utah issue. the founder and leader, kate kelly, is from washington d.c. and is from oregon. she is a human rights attorney, which means she knows exactly how to proceed publicly (which does not consistent protesting, sorry church pr) and let injustice hang itself by looking stupid.

- i am pretty much uninterested in raising a family with a man (speaking generally) who sees his priesthood or career as equally (or more) important to raising his family. men don't get to help conceive children and then figuratively peace out because priesthood equals motherhood (which it doesn't).

-so many reasons why phood and mhood aren't equivalent that i'll spare you from reading.

- i think these women are not demonstrating a lack of faith in god, but rather a lot of faith. i don't believe god waited until 1978 to ordain black men to the priesthood to try the faith of those black members, but rather because the larger white majority of the church "wasn't ready" for such a "big change". white members still talk today about what a "difficult change" that was and hold racist views. my MIL has said that since handicapped children were extremely loyal in the premortal world, and there is an opposition in all things, it only makes sense that there was an extremely disloyal group: blacks. (what about black handicapped children?) these views held the church back, and activists who speak from personal experience are not wicked. the deft dismissal of all conversation or open mindedness on the issue of women's ordination leads me to believe it's very the same.

- "women already hold the priesthood (through their husbands) (based on the temple) (blah), even though they aren't ordained". great, so why can't we even go to priesthood session?

- it is said that all faithful members will receive every blessing they desire (see here emma smith). no one has satisfactorily explained to me yet how desiring to have a greater ability to serve and bring god's love to his children does not fall in that category.

-please note that the prophet himself has not spoken out on this topic. this is both saddening and encouraging/telling. everyone learns in primary that the prophet is the mouthpiece of the lord, not the church pr lady. frankly, she can spew whatever she wants and it means nothing to me. in addition, president uchtdorf, who is in the first presidency, essentially welcomed feminists last conference to stay in the church because they are needed.

-women praying in conference and the broadcast of the priesthood session did not take place before women were pressing the issues, so i don't appreciate people saying, 'just watch it on tv at home!!!!111!!1 why do you need to go to the conference center???/? you are arguing for something that's already fixed." it was either a really unfortunate or really low move for the church to decide to broadcast priesthood session 'right in the nick of time.'

- again, why are people upset about a request to provide greater service within the church?

lady professoinals

over the last couple of days i've been attending what is essentially an on campus conference for secretaries. today the first speaker was camille fronk olson. i didn't have high hopes, but also didn't realize who she was. she was fantastic. near the beginning of her presentation she made a point that paul's first convert in europe was a woman, making a side note that she's not sorry for caring so much about women and that she "gets off on women."

after that, i immediately went online on my phone and ordered her book.

her gloriousness was followed by the founder and editor of a prominent local magazine. she was introduced as "a wife of one and a mother of four," which made me throw up in my mouth. her topic was 'ten things happy people do' and her first point was that 'happy people TALK.' which she says is a lesson she learned most from ann romney.

you win some, you lose some.


on a side note, i watched the netflix doc, 'mitt'. i was never really a fan of romney and the documentary left me more unimpressed, which i think was the opposite effect. one of the saddest things about it was that, after their first unsuccessful presidential run (in 2008?) ann was on camera several times saying that she never wanted to ever, ever do a presidential run again. the very next scene cut to her family gearing up for 2012. it made me seriously so sad. she obviously had her reserves the first time, and clearly she found it crushing. our 'wife of one' presenter hinted that ann had opened up to her about negative feelings related to campaigning, and i just felt for her. i know there's a lot no one sees and i don't know them or their relationship, but for heaven's sake, why would you highlight that?

blame it on my amygdala

i know i'm not an easy person for most people to get along with, that i come across stand off ish, that i'm the MOST painful introvert, and i really, really try to make this up to the people i care about and see most in my day to day life when i'm having "on" days.

but please, employees, help me help you. i really, seriously, for real don't want to talk at length about the kinds of salads available at maceys (honey bbq, bleu cheese, bacon ranch, almond, cesar), i don't want to talk for two hours about how you want to wear high heels but don't want to be taller than your husband on your wedding day, and i don't really need you to read all the news stories on your homepage aloud to me every morning. i think you're amazing and i have a lot of respect for you, but i really didn't want to hear about literally every member of your extended family and where they live right now (and in the past) and what drama they caused in your family as kids. you are some of the nicest, most honestly wonderful co workers i've ever had, but i just don't need an update every day about everything your roommate did and said last night (especially please stop complaining that your indian roommate's mom is visiting and pretty much saying you think their food smells like ass and you have to air out your apartment) and if i have to pretend another dog is the cutest dog i've ever seen, i'm going to vomit. also i just don't care about the drawings your fiance's niece drew yesterday.

some days i feel so good, and so energetic for a change, and i think that i'm going to do everything i want to do--work out, write and submit articles, do some research, be awesome to everyone, be myself, speak up, get an awesome hairstyle, go to the ballet and the theater and to concerts, hike and have adventures, and recreate myself.

then i just feel like, what's the point? i work this job that no one cares about, then i go home and that's it. there is on glamour in this. i think that's part of the problem, or the entire problem: i'm not looking forward to anything, i'm not going anywhere, i don't have any plans. and just thinking about plans exhausts me.

filing

at work we file a set of reports every day. they go in a little box with numbered tabs separating the different days.

my boss: "uhhh... i think i've been putting these in wrong every day. now i have the 21st and 22nd in the same slot............ it looks like they go in front of the tab instead of behind it................................................." 

stares at me. 

i stare at him back, knowing what he wants.

he stares at me.

............................

........................................

me: "i... will file them tomorrow."

boss: "great!!!"

LAAAAAAAAAAAAZY. i am not your bitch!