dh and i were driving and passed a little church. the road sign said: "don't worry, pray."
"yeah, just pray, stop worrying!" said dh. i asked him if i could pray to beyonce and he made this up on the spot:
hallowed be thy jiggle
thy album come
thy song be sung
on earth as it is in houston
the most common expressions by my classmates in my multicultural ed class (all white):
"if i do this people say it's racist, if i do the opposite, people say it's racist. so there's no point cause i can't win"
(every example we discuss, whether it's a thought experiment or a research study): "we don't know enough about this situation to say it's racist." we almost never broach the intellectual nuances behind the idea, everyone is too busy pointing out situations where you can't say it's racist, sexist, etc. one person today argued that an idea was invalid because you can't measure eye contact (...are you for real?).
listening to this has strengthened my idea of what it means to be an ally. my classmates are saying (and i understand their motivation) that if no one puts forward an "answer" to racism or sexism that they can't be expected to do anything. but i think the answer may be something they don't want to hear: if you're in a space where intersectionality and being an ally may be appropriate, as an ally your job is to sit down and shut up. that is it, before anything else, forever. they don't understand that if they want to help their job is to listen to minoritized people, rally behind minoritized people. if they find that too confusing and frustrating to handle, WELCOME TO THE CLUB and enjoy that you have the privilege to not have to care about it because it doesn't affect you.
there was also a (one sided) open class debate about whether gender is nature v. nurture. no surprise, i think it's 100% nurture, pure socialization. biology is often played as the trump card in this discussion, like, "men and women are OBVIOUSLY physically different, so you can't say there's no difference." but here are the two main reasons i think this is no trump card at all:
"if i do this people say it's racist, if i do the opposite, people say it's racist. so there's no point cause i can't win"
(every example we discuss, whether it's a thought experiment or a research study): "we don't know enough about this situation to say it's racist." we almost never broach the intellectual nuances behind the idea, everyone is too busy pointing out situations where you can't say it's racist, sexist, etc. one person today argued that an idea was invalid because you can't measure eye contact (...are you for real?).
listening to this has strengthened my idea of what it means to be an ally. my classmates are saying (and i understand their motivation) that if no one puts forward an "answer" to racism or sexism that they can't be expected to do anything. but i think the answer may be something they don't want to hear: if you're in a space where intersectionality and being an ally may be appropriate, as an ally your job is to sit down and shut up. that is it, before anything else, forever. they don't understand that if they want to help their job is to listen to minoritized people, rally behind minoritized people. if they find that too confusing and frustrating to handle, WELCOME TO THE CLUB and enjoy that you have the privilege to not have to care about it because it doesn't affect you.
there was also a (one sided) open class debate about whether gender is nature v. nurture. no surprise, i think it's 100% nurture, pure socialization. biology is often played as the trump card in this discussion, like, "men and women are OBVIOUSLY physically different, so you can't say there's no difference." but here are the two main reasons i think this is no trump card at all:
- neurological differences are almost always cited. i am kind of surprised anyone who knows anything about neuroscientific human development (which should be all of them since they all take ed psych) would say this. we are taught on the first day of ed psych that people's neuropathways are strengthened when they are repeated in engaging ways (therefore, change up your teaching!). how do people not calculate the neurological effects of being socialized to be female or male in a gender binary society? of course their brains are different BECAUSE we have a binary, deep rooted idea of gender. these differences are not present at birth.
- the other thing people always bring up is that men are "naturally" physically more strong than women. to me this makes no sense because of natural selection. try to think of a time (as far as we know) when it was fashionable and desirable for a man to be with a woman who was bigger than him. i don't know of any. if men want to be with women who are smaller than them, of course we have bred ourselves to be that way.
another frustrating and interesting thing i have encountered recently is stay at home dads. i have respect for and interest in any man who is a stay at home dad, just like i would want to engage with a woman who has become a successful businesswoman. there are three stay at home dads i come in contact with regularly these days: one is online (in law relative living in the state) and two are in my education classes. i respect all of them and they have brought up interesting points in a lot of my discussions with them. but all three inevitably sometimes express the same attitude, which is that since they are a stay at home dads they don't have to talk about feminism. or feminism is overreaching because how could feminism be relevant when there they are, a stay at home dad. it's an interesting expression of privilege that i haven't seen before: if a guy does something feminist and it's not a big deal for him as it would be for a woman to do something traditional female, is a natural consequence of that to think that feminism is off base? if a guy and his female partner decide she should be the breadwinner permanently or for a time not for reasons of gender equality but for purely economic reasons, does that become another source of privilege for the guy?
i don't know when i let my guard down but utah became home sometime around the presidential election. i will always be from somewhere else but i think i officially became "from" here when i saw the women's march on the utah capitol. i wasn't there. i should have been. but seeing that happen and seeing the capitol full of women... i realized something that i have known before but didn't understand. i am always lamenting how small the valley is. all of utah exists in one valley, it seems, which makes me feel sometimes like i'm suffocating. but i never realized that it was also a great opportunity: we are all right here. we are all thrown in this together and close by and there are a lot of us that care. utah is a community where things truly happen the grassroot way. utah is a lot of things, and a lot of them aren't good for me, but that community i am beginning to suspect is unlike many other places.
i am excited by this but also sad. sad to realize i have missed out on years worth of events and opportunities to meet people like me and build a political and friendship network. there may not be a lot of states where you could meet the amazing and pivotal people because they are your neighbors, your acquaintances of acquaintances, and they are interested in the issues as much as you and have a background like you do. it's almost like i see this other version of me that could have been: a woman involved in the community, a woman who couldn't be further from politics but who has become politicized. a woman willing to do the grind work of revolution--even if it's a tiny one with small victories.
at the same time i am exasperated by the movement here. i can't get to slc and back in order to be on time for work, if i can make it at all. slc is close but not that close--two hours round trip. a lot of the events and meetings are midday and i feel like there is a lot of privilege in that: how do all of these people have time to be there in the middle of the day all the time? on the one hand, the legislature meets during the day. on the other hand, i may never be a meaningful part of the slc public because i literally can't afford to be there.
whether i can show up in the end or not, though, i learned something from utah, which is the value of grassroots work and community. the world is smaller here than where i'm from, much smaller, but there are still opportunities in that, even if they weren't the opportunities i was looking for. i will try to make it here but if we end up somewhere else i hope i can do the same thing: make the world smaller and make neighbors mean something to hopefully make the world a little better for people.
i am excited by this but also sad. sad to realize i have missed out on years worth of events and opportunities to meet people like me and build a political and friendship network. there may not be a lot of states where you could meet the amazing and pivotal people because they are your neighbors, your acquaintances of acquaintances, and they are interested in the issues as much as you and have a background like you do. it's almost like i see this other version of me that could have been: a woman involved in the community, a woman who couldn't be further from politics but who has become politicized. a woman willing to do the grind work of revolution--even if it's a tiny one with small victories.
at the same time i am exasperated by the movement here. i can't get to slc and back in order to be on time for work, if i can make it at all. slc is close but not that close--two hours round trip. a lot of the events and meetings are midday and i feel like there is a lot of privilege in that: how do all of these people have time to be there in the middle of the day all the time? on the one hand, the legislature meets during the day. on the other hand, i may never be a meaningful part of the slc public because i literally can't afford to be there.
whether i can show up in the end or not, though, i learned something from utah, which is the value of grassroots work and community. the world is smaller here than where i'm from, much smaller, but there are still opportunities in that, even if they weren't the opportunities i was looking for. i will try to make it here but if we end up somewhere else i hope i can do the same thing: make the world smaller and make neighbors mean something to hopefully make the world a little better for people.
maybe no one will see this but I want to record how things are.
when my dad passed away it was the hardest part of my life, but this fall has by far been the worst. and the best. and the worst. everything in my life right now I have purposefully chosen and pursued and that is an incredible, amazing feeling. I feel whole and purposeful but fuck things have been hard.
going back to school has been incredibly difficult, but because of scheduling. I never knew scheduling could cause life to be so hellish. my car has been in the shop probably about actually six times this fall (our new car... when our old car died...) and I don't just live next to campus anymore. and I don't work on campus. so if something goes wrong it is a domino effect that I can't get anywhere or do anything.
however, school itself is going well. it is (for me) very socially rigorous and fast paced, but after feeling like I wasn't going to be able to do it I have grown a lot.
we are still planning to go to London on a five week study abroad. shit is going down, so we are at this point just willing it to happen. dh's job is on the line not just with the trip but with his student teaching, since the policy is that he can't do both. so we are dancing around that for now and don't know what will happen and if we'll have healthcare in two months or whatever else. but we are set on going.
so I took a second job and am doing night custodial at the rec center. on the second night of work I thought I had lost my freaking mind. growing up lds it was habit to pray when I felt out of control. maybe it was because I was a control freak. but any time something was happening where I felt helpless is when I would pray. on my way to my custodial job I thought to pray, which is ridiculous based on where I'm at now, but it was complete habit. I was incredibly nervous about what I was taking on. but instead of praying I told myself, I am a capable and strong person and woman and I can absolutely do that. it comforted me more than any prayer for help ever has.
the job has grown on me. I love moving around and finally getting some real exercise (some of which is a total bitch, like, how heavy are floor mats really). but it solved a lot of problems in my life. it's helped me sleep better, helped me not waste my nights away staring at screens, helped me meet new people, helped me exert my independence.
about a month ago my mom told my siblings and I that she had something to tell us that it was time we knew. I wasn't expecting it to be that my dad had had a porn and masturbation problem their entire marriage. she told us that that is the reason she has still been in therapy since he died. she told us how hard it was for her to care for him sometimes while he was passing away, feeling so much anger and hurt from their life together. she told us that she wouldn't choose to be sealed to him in the next life. she told us that even though he couldn't overcome that like he wanted to he loved our family and it doesn't change the father he was.
my feelings on this are endlessly multiplicitous. what I responded to her was that she had a right to be with whom she wanted and make a healthy life for herself. but so much more of it than that she may never know. as much as I hate how violent most pornography is toward women and gendered masturbation is in and outside the church and how evil it is inside the church, I can't condemn my father. honestly, it's not even a thought. both of these things can be used in a healthy and personal way and every body belongs to their consciousness alone. i think society has a responsibility not to abolish them but rehabilitate them. this of course I could never tell her. I think her deep mental and emotional anguish comes mostly from both of them clinging so tightly to the church that obviously had no power to heal my dad from "weakness" when he wanted to be (I assume).
since his passing she digs deeper into the church looking for respite and believing her pain will be taken away when she has learned enough, and I worry that will never happen. she has hinted that she is just as suicidal now as she ever was, especially from what happened with my dad, and I worry it will destroy her.
it explains a lot. it explains my whole life as a kid. it explains why my dad was so focused, single-mindedly, on the savior, while he was sick. I can't decide if I find peace or hurt in that. if I didn't already have fifty nails in the coffin, however, I think that would be the final one. why continue in a church that can't help my dad with something he wanted so much help with?
it has all been very weird but I've found my hustle and I'm headed somewhere of my own making in life. it's the hardest thing I've ever done but I am hopeful things will get better. I'm hopeful for the holidays and so grateful for my marriage and friends. I'm grateful for everyone who encouraged me to be myself and to empower myself. I'm starting to feel consumed with teaching and I am so excited. I am dedicating my life to and want to give to someone else the same tools that I have used to heal, to see other people, understand other people, and stand up for myself.
didn't get into u of u. which means i have little to no chance of getting into byu, though i'm still waiting to hear back. that could mean i'm on the waiting list, but there's no way to really know.
yesterday i submitted my applications to go back to byu and finish english teaching courses so i can become a teacher. it feels strange. i'm actually really excited by the idea. i hate how everyone always asks english majors if they're going to be teachers, but as i've graded essays and done other freelance work i've realized how much i would enjoy it. plus, summers off to work on research and submitting papers to conferences, etc.
and of course i could always try again with law school, and very well may do that. but i want to get on with it already!!! so the back up plan feels good. SOMEONE JUST LET ME DO SOMETHING.
yesterday i submitted my applications to go back to byu and finish english teaching courses so i can become a teacher. it feels strange. i'm actually really excited by the idea. i hate how everyone always asks english majors if they're going to be teachers, but as i've graded essays and done other freelance work i've realized how much i would enjoy it. plus, summers off to work on research and submitting papers to conferences, etc.
and of course i could always try again with law school, and very well may do that. but i want to get on with it already!!! so the back up plan feels good. SOMEONE JUST LET ME DO SOMETHING.
male co worker: "i'm supposed to write this paper on.. women's oppression for this class i'm taking. do either of you know anything about that?" (to me and my female coworker)
(female coworker points to me)
me: i'm a feminist.
guy: oh... really. well, how would you say women are oppressed today?
me: uh........... i mean, i guess the same ways as always, maybe just a little better.
guy: ok............
me: you could write about the pay gap. it's really accessible and an easy thing to talk about.
guy: huh.
me: ....i don't really know where else to go from there. that's a pretty broad topic.
guy: yeah it is. last week i had to write one about gay marriage...
me: huh. that must be...... hard.
(female coworker points to me)
me: i'm a feminist.
guy: oh... really. well, how would you say women are oppressed today?
me: uh........... i mean, i guess the same ways as always, maybe just a little better.
guy: ok............
me: you could write about the pay gap. it's really accessible and an easy thing to talk about.
guy: huh.
me: ....i don't really know where else to go from there. that's a pretty broad topic.
guy: yeah it is. last week i had to write one about gay marriage...
me: huh. that must be...... hard.
my new job is a day dream. no one is passive aggressive and no one gas lights me. everyone is lovely. on my second day trainer said, "you're a natural! it feels like you've been here a month." my new boss looks like juno temple. and i get a $25 gift card every time i make a cross sale.
i went through the starbucks drive through on the way home from our branch meeting this morning cause baby i'm worth it and they said the car in front of me paid for me. i asked if i could pay for the car behind me and they said, "yes! you're the fourth one!" TOM is in town so i maybe teared up a little. the guy behind me looked like michael keaton (everyone in my life is a movie star), so you're welcome michael keaton.
we didn't love the pinot noir, as you can tell, but it turns out that man from u.n.c.l.e. is a great movie to have your first drink to. i keep finding recommendations for good wines but you can't buy them here because mormon legislators.
i messaged kate kelly and told her that my realization that i could be childless by choice can actually be traced directly back to her and that as a result of that decision i've recovered from depression. i don't care what none of ya'll say, i still love her.
i haven't been this happy in a very long time.
i went through the starbucks drive through on the way home from our branch meeting this morning cause baby i'm worth it and they said the car in front of me paid for me. i asked if i could pay for the car behind me and they said, "yes! you're the fourth one!" TOM is in town so i maybe teared up a little. the guy behind me looked like michael keaton (everyone in my life is a movie star), so you're welcome michael keaton.
we didn't love the pinot noir, as you can tell, but it turns out that man from u.n.c.l.e. is a great movie to have your first drink to. i keep finding recommendations for good wines but you can't buy them here because mormon legislators.
i messaged kate kelly and told her that my realization that i could be childless by choice can actually be traced directly back to her and that as a result of that decision i've recovered from depression. i don't care what none of ya'll say, i still love her.
i haven't been this happy in a very long time.
four things
1. say hello to the newest employee of your local credit union!! my first day was yesterday.
2. i am dying to get my passport. no plans to go anywhere in particular, just love the idea that if i wanted to, i could.
3. my brother suggested we take a krav maga class together. now i'm obsessed with getting a punching bag, too. i couldn't know but maybe this is related to number two and how i will need a passport to be an international spy some day (my ultimate back up plan).
4. the calvin klein underwear campaign is totally working on me. i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it.
2. i am dying to get my passport. no plans to go anywhere in particular, just love the idea that if i wanted to, i could.
3. my brother suggested we take a krav maga class together. now i'm obsessed with getting a punching bag, too. i couldn't know but maybe this is related to number two and how i will need a passport to be an international spy some day (my ultimate back up plan).
4. the calvin klein underwear campaign is totally working on me. i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it.
how i imagine it will be when i leave my job
Michael: Wow.. what is wrong with this [plant]? It looks terrible!
Pam: Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael: Yeah!...Oh, you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange the toys on my desk in a very pleasing way, it used to brighten my morning.
Pam: Oh that wasn't the night crew, that was Dwight.
bye bye bye
yesterday i gave two weeks' notice.
it was... quite a day. i don't even have the energy to tell about it. i thought i needed to go home and have an intense ugly cry (of relief) but what actually happened is that i haven't slept that well or woke up that happy for three and a half years.
just a few hours after i gave notice i got this non-anonymous exit interview online survey from HR asking for my "candor".
i wrote this:
This environment was hostile for me to the point that it affected my health. I know other employees have similar problems to a lesser degree but I had bad luck (youngest, only woman, etc). It wasn't anything blatant related to a protected class so I never contacted HR. The culture of the department made me feel like I was being too professional or that being careful or following guidelines was looked down upon. The service provided and even the student employees who are hired are often based on favors to management's friends at the university. I refused to hire a supervisor's friend/peer's daughter based on my applicant pool and the supervisor had her hired elsewhere in the department. Some things happened regularly that broke policy, such as management approving students to start working before they did their I-9s and were hired, despite my best efforts and clear instructions. Some illegal things are happening, such as supervisors telling students they absolutely may not discuss their wages, but I didn't ever feel in a position to say something or thought it would make my situation worse. I wish I had documented these things but each time I thought it would stop if I spoke up. I guess this must happen to an extent in every department but I feel for this department that it's cultural. I did everything by the book and did what was asked of me but when I voiced my professional opinions it made my situation very bad. I tried to do certain things in writing in order to protect myself but this didn't always work/wasn't greeted well and my reputation has gone down over time despite my efforts. I don't/didn't have any organizational peers so there wasn't/isn't anyone to corroborate my experience and that made life difficult. This department has a reputation for being very friendly and responsive but life inside the department is not great and employee well-being is low priority. I wish this wasn't true because BYU is a great place to work, but I feel like I have an obligation to say what happened.
i signed my name and sent it in.
i don't have anything lined up, but i am out of here.
it was... quite a day. i don't even have the energy to tell about it. i thought i needed to go home and have an intense ugly cry (of relief) but what actually happened is that i haven't slept that well or woke up that happy for three and a half years.
just a few hours after i gave notice i got this non-anonymous exit interview online survey from HR asking for my "candor".
i wrote this:
This environment was hostile for me to the point that it affected my health. I know other employees have similar problems to a lesser degree but I had bad luck (youngest, only woman, etc). It wasn't anything blatant related to a protected class so I never contacted HR. The culture of the department made me feel like I was being too professional or that being careful or following guidelines was looked down upon. The service provided and even the student employees who are hired are often based on favors to management's friends at the university. I refused to hire a supervisor's friend/peer's daughter based on my applicant pool and the supervisor had her hired elsewhere in the department. Some things happened regularly that broke policy, such as management approving students to start working before they did their I-9s and were hired, despite my best efforts and clear instructions. Some illegal things are happening, such as supervisors telling students they absolutely may not discuss their wages, but I didn't ever feel in a position to say something or thought it would make my situation worse. I wish I had documented these things but each time I thought it would stop if I spoke up. I guess this must happen to an extent in every department but I feel for this department that it's cultural. I did everything by the book and did what was asked of me but when I voiced my professional opinions it made my situation very bad. I tried to do certain things in writing in order to protect myself but this didn't always work/wasn't greeted well and my reputation has gone down over time despite my efforts. I don't/didn't have any organizational peers so there wasn't/isn't anyone to corroborate my experience and that made life difficult. This department has a reputation for being very friendly and responsive but life inside the department is not great and employee well-being is low priority. I wish this wasn't true because BYU is a great place to work, but I feel like I have an obligation to say what happened.
i don't have anything lined up, but i am out of here.
wow, what a week.
last saturday dh arranged for my mom to come down for my birthday and we spent the morning together. which was fantastic, because i have been feeling so estranged from her. we talked about so many things i needed to talk about, especially dad. we also talked about work and kids and all the things that weigh on my mind. she pressed me again about having kids, just wanting me to tell her what i really thought. and i did, said that we don't want them and thank you for asking me about it and understanding. she said, "of course. i wouldn't want you to feel like such an important part of your life had to be secret."
buuut the day started out like this:
mom: so when are you quitting your job.
me: uh.. i'm not?
mom: yeah you are. pick a date that you're going to quit. you could give them notice on monday, a present to yourself!!!
me: laughs awkwardly
mom: pick a date. what date would you pick
me, laughing awkwardly: ok... the end of february.
mom: that's two months from now!!!! no, how about, you just walk in on monday and quit.
me, starting to lose my shit but smiling: laughs awkwardly
this went on for a while. she wouldn't let it go and i felt like breaking down in the middle of guru's. finally i said "ok" to giving notice on monday because wow i needed that to be done. i felt so awful because of course i want to quit but you can't just quit your job and give up half your income and take a gap in employment and have to explain to future employers why you literally quit. the biggest reason i wasn't leaving is i hadn't found something already so i had no reason to think i would magically find a job once i made the rash choice to literally just quit something. quite the opposite. and THEN i was feeling guilty because i was thinking things like, "mom you have barely ever worked you just don't get things like this." which is extremely condescending and horrible.
so the day got a lot better but of course monday morning came. right away in the first business hour i got rejections for the two jobs i applied to over the weekend, one for each women's group on campus. total, immediate rejections. i had spent the weekend convinced that this was the end, that i was going to move to part time work for efforts that i really, really cared about. this was the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter of peace, of working in a space where no one would demoralize me, where i could work for what i believe in, where i could actually change my life. i was more than convinced, i was actually happy coming to work monday morning. i was fucking peaceful. i had talked to dh about an arrangement with the car so that if they wanted me to go in for an interview that same day i could.
so this is the cliff i fell from. then i realized that i needed to text my mom. i started drafting something, but i knew it would be a terrible fight. right in the middle of this she texts me and tells me that when we're trying to do something heavenly father wants us to do satan will try really hard to make us fear and not do it. sooooooooooo it was news to me that god wanted me to quit my job (what's that thing about how you can't receive revelation for other people, and why did my mom think she knew this when i didn't??) and that if i didn't do it was submitting to satan (which.. i don't even know what to say about that). my little bit of fury helped me slam the text message out and send it: that i didn't today and never had felt good about quitting my job and sorry, i wasn't quitting today.
so, i have no idea what kind of terms we're on.
but the day went on and i just spiraled. work was rough anyway and the epic, utter weight of my failure in this job and in my job search fell on me. i genuinely felt like there was no point to anything. i won't go into those thoughts but suffice to say that i have never felt that helpless. yes there is law school on the horizon but not only was my application not as strong as i hoped but also.. that is a ton of debt to maybe become a lawyer and the fear is real. so basically i had no life plan, haven't been able to improve my life after coming out of depression, and what is the point anyway? when i got home i had a panic attack but then things got calm.
depression is funny because afterward you remember a sense of what you felt like and you can remember some things you thought but once you're out of it it's like you're in a difference universe.
tuesday was almost as bad and then wednesday night i got a call for an interview. (i had hit the applications hard and gave it all i've got.) and while i was on the phone with them i got a call for another interview. i went to both interviews yesterday and held nothing back.
i've also delved into volunteer research. i've been wanting to get involved in something so badly. i perused volunteer match, which i haven't always had great success with, but i found two really good opportunities. one is writing press releases and one is with a crisis group in provo. i'm nervous and have such a deep desire but feel kind of paralyzed, but i've begun to recognize that feeling and that some of my best work/risks/moves have been when i've felt like that. so i'm diving in and hope it will begin a long life of giving back, especially when i'm in such a fortunate place with a good support system and a good financial situation.
so today, i feel good. i'm taking a half day and wow it couldn't have come soon enough. the interviews went well and we'll see what happens. i've wanted change for so long. when you look at the life of someone is really accomplished, even someone who has changed the world, it almost never happens overnight. there is also a period of intense struggle and unremarkable work. so even though i've kept telling myself that i can't have everything overnight, that i have to pay my dues, i haven't seen the other side of the tunnel until now. and that is a good feeling.
last saturday dh arranged for my mom to come down for my birthday and we spent the morning together. which was fantastic, because i have been feeling so estranged from her. we talked about so many things i needed to talk about, especially dad. we also talked about work and kids and all the things that weigh on my mind. she pressed me again about having kids, just wanting me to tell her what i really thought. and i did, said that we don't want them and thank you for asking me about it and understanding. she said, "of course. i wouldn't want you to feel like such an important part of your life had to be secret."
buuut the day started out like this:
mom: so when are you quitting your job.
me: uh.. i'm not?
mom: yeah you are. pick a date that you're going to quit. you could give them notice on monday, a present to yourself!!!
me: laughs awkwardly
mom: pick a date. what date would you pick
me, laughing awkwardly: ok... the end of february.
mom: that's two months from now!!!! no, how about, you just walk in on monday and quit.
me, starting to lose my shit but smiling: laughs awkwardly
this went on for a while. she wouldn't let it go and i felt like breaking down in the middle of guru's. finally i said "ok" to giving notice on monday because wow i needed that to be done. i felt so awful because of course i want to quit but you can't just quit your job and give up half your income and take a gap in employment and have to explain to future employers why you literally quit. the biggest reason i wasn't leaving is i hadn't found something already so i had no reason to think i would magically find a job once i made the rash choice to literally just quit something. quite the opposite. and THEN i was feeling guilty because i was thinking things like, "mom you have barely ever worked you just don't get things like this." which is extremely condescending and horrible.
so the day got a lot better but of course monday morning came. right away in the first business hour i got rejections for the two jobs i applied to over the weekend, one for each women's group on campus. total, immediate rejections. i had spent the weekend convinced that this was the end, that i was going to move to part time work for efforts that i really, really cared about. this was the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter of peace, of working in a space where no one would demoralize me, where i could work for what i believe in, where i could actually change my life. i was more than convinced, i was actually happy coming to work monday morning. i was fucking peaceful. i had talked to dh about an arrangement with the car so that if they wanted me to go in for an interview that same day i could.
so this is the cliff i fell from. then i realized that i needed to text my mom. i started drafting something, but i knew it would be a terrible fight. right in the middle of this she texts me and tells me that when we're trying to do something heavenly father wants us to do satan will try really hard to make us fear and not do it. sooooooooooo it was news to me that god wanted me to quit my job (what's that thing about how you can't receive revelation for other people, and why did my mom think she knew this when i didn't??) and that if i didn't do it was submitting to satan (which.. i don't even know what to say about that). my little bit of fury helped me slam the text message out and send it: that i didn't today and never had felt good about quitting my job and sorry, i wasn't quitting today.
so, i have no idea what kind of terms we're on.
but the day went on and i just spiraled. work was rough anyway and the epic, utter weight of my failure in this job and in my job search fell on me. i genuinely felt like there was no point to anything. i won't go into those thoughts but suffice to say that i have never felt that helpless. yes there is law school on the horizon but not only was my application not as strong as i hoped but also.. that is a ton of debt to maybe become a lawyer and the fear is real. so basically i had no life plan, haven't been able to improve my life after coming out of depression, and what is the point anyway? when i got home i had a panic attack but then things got calm.
depression is funny because afterward you remember a sense of what you felt like and you can remember some things you thought but once you're out of it it's like you're in a difference universe.
tuesday was almost as bad and then wednesday night i got a call for an interview. (i had hit the applications hard and gave it all i've got.) and while i was on the phone with them i got a call for another interview. i went to both interviews yesterday and held nothing back.
i've also delved into volunteer research. i've been wanting to get involved in something so badly. i perused volunteer match, which i haven't always had great success with, but i found two really good opportunities. one is writing press releases and one is with a crisis group in provo. i'm nervous and have such a deep desire but feel kind of paralyzed, but i've begun to recognize that feeling and that some of my best work/risks/moves have been when i've felt like that. so i'm diving in and hope it will begin a long life of giving back, especially when i'm in such a fortunate place with a good support system and a good financial situation.
so today, i feel good. i'm taking a half day and wow it couldn't have come soon enough. the interviews went well and we'll see what happens. i've wanted change for so long. when you look at the life of someone is really accomplished, even someone who has changed the world, it almost never happens overnight. there is also a period of intense struggle and unremarkable work. so even though i've kept telling myself that i can't have everything overnight, that i have to pay my dues, i haven't seen the other side of the tunnel until now. and that is a good feeling.
-when you have to select your country online and the countries are in actual alphabetical order (not with united states at the top) so you respect them more
-when a woman who's as introverted as you comes in for an interview and you can't hire her fast enough (and she accepts!)
-when it's finally friday and tomorrow your dh is planning a day of birthday fun for you and you're feeling like
-when a woman who's as introverted as you comes in for an interview and you can't hire her fast enough (and she accepts!)
-when it's finally friday and tomorrow your dh is planning a day of birthday fun for you and you're feeling like
updates
despite the frenchman's lip service, things are still shitty. my job is changing once again despite my protestation and him saying we would do whatever i want and that i know best. guess whose plans we're going with? le douche's. i just got out of a meeting with him where his final soliloquy was about: "i know megan likes to bottle things up." he literally said that to me, multiple times. a of all, why are you talking to me about me in the third person. b of all, you think i like this? really? ...really? really you think this is for fun? c of all, f you. that is his favorite way to end our meetings, by telling me about me to demonstrate his superior and quick knowledge of me and that i'm so safe with him. which is... basely demoralizing and patronizing. so i'm making a promise to myself right now that next time he does it i will close the door and say:
"i find that kind of patronizing. i've been through a lot here and continue to do what you all ask me, often against my own judgement. that's a high level of respect and professionalism that i hold myself to, it's not me being stand off-ish. if you would like my opinion you just need to do is ask."
i am going to practice saying it.
christmas break was a revelation; it was so relaxing and nice.
my brother got married and the whole family was pretty sad. i got the impression that my brother's new in laws didn't really appreciate my dad overshadowing the entire wedding, but they don't really get a say and girl knew what she was marrying into. at the wedding luncheon they had the parents and bride and groom sit at the front table and there were two chairs for my parents. they never mentioned it to my mom and also didn't talk to her about it when we all got there. it was... insensitive. so we sent another brother up to sit with my mom to which the mother in law was peeved. which... again, she doesn't get a vote. but we made it through and it was okay.
also during the break i cut off my own hair. i was planning to go into a stylist forever but time and small chat and money and blah. so i chopped it. to me it kind of looks a little like lord farquaad. and i know the back is a little messed up. but it looks great in a ponytail and honestly it was so refreshing to just chop it off. so refreshing. it's probably taking self sufficiency/being independent too far, but for now it's great.
this is a pretty accurate depiction of me now:
then i went to joy and jennifer lawrence cut off her own hair too and i was like, 'omg i get that and i love jennifer lawrence way too much.' i don't think i've ever told anyone, but i cried when she got her oscar. i don't even know why. and that doesn't relate to anything.
over the break we also started, for lack of a better word, renovating our apartment. out with the old, in with the new. kind of. a lot of it is getting rearranged. which is the best thing we've done in a long time. last night we posted our couch to craigslist and some byu freshmen guys picked it up and they were so excited. i don't know why but that gave me so much happiness. it was like the circle of life--our kind of ugly but good couch went to a better cause and we just clicked with them. it was fun and now we have tons more space in our living room. also i know ikea has a reputation for cheap "college furniture" but honestly it's making all my dreams come true right now.
i rejoined ymf and joined fmh and it has been great, very stimulating. i enjoy online communities and can get a lot out of them, but am learning not to take them too seriously at the same time (in terms of it being, sometimes, a popularity contest and not quite a real life community). currently i'm finding a lot of great resources/information that way, which i've enjoyed.
next week i turn 26. it's kind of freaking me out. like, i thought i was 22? i feel like the last four years of my life have been a giant blur, not in a good way. but it also feels good, like, i'm still plugging along and i'm making it. it's been a hard year but so much changed for the good.
"i find that kind of patronizing. i've been through a lot here and continue to do what you all ask me, often against my own judgement. that's a high level of respect and professionalism that i hold myself to, it's not me being stand off-ish. if you would like my opinion you just need to do is ask."
i am going to practice saying it.
christmas break was a revelation; it was so relaxing and nice.
my brother got married and the whole family was pretty sad. i got the impression that my brother's new in laws didn't really appreciate my dad overshadowing the entire wedding, but they don't really get a say and girl knew what she was marrying into. at the wedding luncheon they had the parents and bride and groom sit at the front table and there were two chairs for my parents. they never mentioned it to my mom and also didn't talk to her about it when we all got there. it was... insensitive. so we sent another brother up to sit with my mom to which the mother in law was peeved. which... again, she doesn't get a vote. but we made it through and it was okay.
also during the break i cut off my own hair. i was planning to go into a stylist forever but time and small chat and money and blah. so i chopped it. to me it kind of looks a little like lord farquaad. and i know the back is a little messed up. but it looks great in a ponytail and honestly it was so refreshing to just chop it off. so refreshing. it's probably taking self sufficiency/being independent too far, but for now it's great.
this is a pretty accurate depiction of me now:
then i went to joy and jennifer lawrence cut off her own hair too and i was like, 'omg i get that and i love jennifer lawrence way too much.' i don't think i've ever told anyone, but i cried when she got her oscar. i don't even know why. and that doesn't relate to anything.
over the break we also started, for lack of a better word, renovating our apartment. out with the old, in with the new. kind of. a lot of it is getting rearranged. which is the best thing we've done in a long time. last night we posted our couch to craigslist and some byu freshmen guys picked it up and they were so excited. i don't know why but that gave me so much happiness. it was like the circle of life--our kind of ugly but good couch went to a better cause and we just clicked with them. it was fun and now we have tons more space in our living room. also i know ikea has a reputation for cheap "college furniture" but honestly it's making all my dreams come true right now.
i rejoined ymf and joined fmh and it has been great, very stimulating. i enjoy online communities and can get a lot out of them, but am learning not to take them too seriously at the same time (in terms of it being, sometimes, a popularity contest and not quite a real life community). currently i'm finding a lot of great resources/information that way, which i've enjoyed.
next week i turn 26. it's kind of freaking me out. like, i thought i was 22? i feel like the last four years of my life have been a giant blur, not in a good way. but it also feels good, like, i'm still plugging along and i'm making it. it's been a hard year but so much changed for the good.
oh hey
it's high time for an update. it might not be all that interesting... but wow a lot has happened.
i can't remember if i wrote about this, but the lovely director who was always so nice to me retired at the beginning of october. the selection for his replacement was very hush hush, i'm assuming because this department is so freaking jacked up. the director who retired told me privately that he was personally recommending that le douche not get the job.... which probably saved all of us from murdering him. so that was good. but not even the guy who retired knew who was replacing him until they held a big meeting to announce it. turned out to be this guy who worked in the prison system in california for like twenty years who thinks he's french. (his ancestors were i guess? and his son is on a mission in france now so the french level is currently 'unbearable'.) he is really, really getting off on how churchy byu is. he loves it. he goes on these long lectures about being righteous and how great it is to be in utah and be close to the church and shit. he made our new department goal to have everyone go to devotional (that's a story for another day). he goes on random tirades about the honor code. so, that's fun. and even though i don't like his personality he seems to get stuff done. word on the street is that he was assigned to our department to more or less clean this shit up.
well, the french director is convinced he needs a personal assistant so since october my job has changed a lot. A LOT has happened. i won't bore you with the details. it's not good. imo, no one needs a personal assistant unless they are too busy to handle things themselves, which he is not. so it's awkward. and my job is in constant flux. a lot has changed but nothing has. i report right to the director now which makes him my third boss here since summer. le douche is hostile more than ever because basically i am not under his control anymore. we have skirmishes regularly, including one where he stood and shook his finger at me and yelled.
the frenchman apparently got an earful from the old director about my fued with le douche and thinks he knows everything about it now (continuing the long line of no one here asking for my side of the story....). but he seems genuinely concerned that i am happy. after a big upset we had a meeting earlier this week one on one to decide what to do with my job (again......... it has been a long two months). at the end he said, "the day you start dreading coming to work, i want to know about it. any time you're upset i want to know about it." which is nice, and i believe he means it. so i was like, "it's been that way for a while now. i'm just here to do my job." what i wanted to say was, 90 lbs, two years of situational depression, and one PVC later, are you kidding me?? he didn't say much except a little later he did say that he would help me leave if i wanted so i have been openly applying for jobs, including part time work now. again, no improvements.. applying for part time work pretty much just means i've started getting rejected for part time work too. ultimately, the frenchman's managerial magic is working on me and i finally feel listened to and have stopped fantasizing about keying le douche's car and doing something bad with the fact that i know his home address.
the bad thing about all of this (besides that it absolutely sucks and everything continues to get worse and never hits rock bottom like i always think it has) is that this has all taken place perfectly in my timeframe to restudy for the lsat. yep, i take it again in two days, this saturday. i took the lsat for the first time the day after the old director retired. so it has been sucking away my energy and motivation and will to do anything and the studying has not been great. but my applications are in and i'll just see what happens. worst case scenario i don't get in and i apply again next year, in which case i would have ass loads of time to study. so i am actually feeling calm about it. i am learning to take things in strides and have plan b and c and d and e and f and g and h and i and j and k and l and m.
basically, here are my plans (after coming up with them i am sleeping again at night):
1 - get into byu and go there because cheap.
2 - get into utah and go there because that would be kick ass.
3 - don't get into either school, apply again next year and continue to look for a job
4 - if i decide not to apply again or decide not to go (plan for every outcome), get more education in library sciences or human resources
mostly the $$$$ is stressing me out. i won't even tell you how much i've spent on applying. it's in the thousands. but.. we are financially stable, and i just tell myself that even though i did spend all of that, at the end of the day nothing has been lost, and i can keep working here and making those bucks if all else fails while i figure something else out. it has been a time of hot, hot, hot, hot turmoil at work but there is still that little flame inside me that says maybe it will be okay. not that i would in any case ever stay here permanently, but why not continue being fiesty and saying what i think as is the MO these days and let the joke be on them as i laugh my way to the bank? (ok.. that's not as fun with direct deposit). i am really looking forward to saturday and the second lsat being over so i can blow off some steam and go home after work and let loose. i am handling all the separate things in my life ok but all together... damn. like, i just want to play xbox. so i am looking forward to that.
besides constantly being torn down at work, i am overall feeling strong. i'm ready to get the projects going and have been brainstorming things that could make me happy. some are:
-zero waste office for 30 days. how would i do this, would i have to buy handkerchiefs?? is there a way to get people's messages to them without paper notes?
-reading articles through lib.byu.edu and writing little blurbs on them, then putting them in a google docs folder. i have been reading some steinem and titling them with perfect MLA bibliography references and ahhhhhhhhh..... it is so nice and relaxing. and i could quote one at any time and have the reference ready to go!
-writing postcards and letters to people.
-okay.. i know this may sound crazy but i really want to give all my books to the library. i am having a hard time with this because my bookshelves are currently a very large part of our living room decor. so maybe i will end up doing it when we move. but i love the idea of donating a bunch of books with "from the library of.." stamped in them. my plan then for books i wanted to read would be: 1 - check it out from the library. 2 - if the library doesn't have it, buy it, read it, then donate it. the whole idea just gives me the feels.
-make friends. is this weird? i am weird. it would be weird. but i am starting to miss people again now that i am healing up from the last few years. i have this image in my head of dh and i stable and happy in california going out at night with our friends after long good days of working in our happy careers--that could happen right? i know married couples are friends with other married couples all the time here in ye ole provo but isn't it weird? isn't there just always like a swingers vibe that won't go away? i know it can't be that complicated but i do not understand how this works.
speaking of, the long term plan is shaping up kind of nicely. we think the timeline will go something like this:
this next year - still what we're currently doing
year 2 to 5 - i go to law school and dh graduates and teaches for a few years
years 5 to 7 or 8 - i begin my career while dh does his masters
when dh finishes, who knows?? i am feeling this kind of overwhelming peace about it. like, we have our whole lives to do what we want and it is ok for it to take time to get there. it's okay for us to take 8 years because that is what life is, and it will be so worth it, and we can both pursue our educational and career goals like we want. it's giving me more patience with my job, with my applications, with my day to day life. i guess this is what growing up feels like. perspective.
in other news, church is a nightmare. don't even ask. i have to get an ecclesiastical endorsement from the bishop before my byu law application is actually done and that should be... rough.
i have been in a mad rush to get all my health needs squared away in preparation to leave my job and our double coverage with great benefits. got my wisdom teeth out, now have an occlusal guard because i grind my teeth so bad, and i also got a surprise granuloma annulare out of the whole thing! don't google that. it's near my armpit. basically it's a benign completely inexplicable skin rash. so, my skin sucks. but i already knew that. the healing from the stitches from the biopsy is ongoing and way worse than the rash, but at least it was nothing. it was a superficial sample that she took but there was this white.. blob that she didn't know what it is. she was like, "maybe it's weird superficial fat?" def possible. "or maybe it's whatever this is that your body's fighting?" again possible, but not reassuring. so she sewed it in and i call it my alien.
thanksgiving was really great and then really awkward. all the fam was there plus grandparents, who are increasingly getting on my nerves these days. which is awful... and i need to come to jesus. so i will work on that. but they do aggravate my mom when she is already sensitive lately, then throw the in-laws in there and wow, the last few days of vacation were rough. but so it goes. it wasn't as hard as i though it would be without my dad. i still feel like i'm just waiting for a ton of bricks to hit me. i was telling dh that i feel like i need to set aside a day or some nights when i just sit and think about my dad--just purposefully think of all the things and feel everything. we did christmas gifts with the fam at thanksgiving and my mom gave us all a present from my dad--each of us got our own framed picture with him. she said about a week before he stopped talking she asked if there was anything he wanted the kids to get for christmas, and that was his wish. his mental state was already somewhat diminished and that childlike worry was strong and she said he kept asking, "will they remember me?" i wish he only knew.
in other other news, i have become obsessed with the weeknd, and my vinyl collection continues to grow. someday i will buy a 'songs about jane' pressing ($300). someday i will do it and it will crown my collection.
and finally... bev and i talked on the phone like four times today and it made me really happy.
more than anything, i am on the up and up.
i can't remember if i wrote about this, but the lovely director who was always so nice to me retired at the beginning of october. the selection for his replacement was very hush hush, i'm assuming because this department is so freaking jacked up. the director who retired told me privately that he was personally recommending that le douche not get the job.... which probably saved all of us from murdering him. so that was good. but not even the guy who retired knew who was replacing him until they held a big meeting to announce it. turned out to be this guy who worked in the prison system in california for like twenty years who thinks he's french. (his ancestors were i guess? and his son is on a mission in france now so the french level is currently 'unbearable'.) he is really, really getting off on how churchy byu is. he loves it. he goes on these long lectures about being righteous and how great it is to be in utah and be close to the church and shit. he made our new department goal to have everyone go to devotional (that's a story for another day). he goes on random tirades about the honor code. so, that's fun. and even though i don't like his personality he seems to get stuff done. word on the street is that he was assigned to our department to more or less clean this shit up.
well, the french director is convinced he needs a personal assistant so since october my job has changed a lot. A LOT has happened. i won't bore you with the details. it's not good. imo, no one needs a personal assistant unless they are too busy to handle things themselves, which he is not. so it's awkward. and my job is in constant flux. a lot has changed but nothing has. i report right to the director now which makes him my third boss here since summer. le douche is hostile more than ever because basically i am not under his control anymore. we have skirmishes regularly, including one where he stood and shook his finger at me and yelled.
the frenchman apparently got an earful from the old director about my fued with le douche and thinks he knows everything about it now (continuing the long line of no one here asking for my side of the story....). but he seems genuinely concerned that i am happy. after a big upset we had a meeting earlier this week one on one to decide what to do with my job (again......... it has been a long two months). at the end he said, "the day you start dreading coming to work, i want to know about it. any time you're upset i want to know about it." which is nice, and i believe he means it. so i was like, "it's been that way for a while now. i'm just here to do my job." what i wanted to say was, 90 lbs, two years of situational depression, and one PVC later, are you kidding me?? he didn't say much except a little later he did say that he would help me leave if i wanted so i have been openly applying for jobs, including part time work now. again, no improvements.. applying for part time work pretty much just means i've started getting rejected for part time work too. ultimately, the frenchman's managerial magic is working on me and i finally feel listened to and have stopped fantasizing about keying le douche's car and doing something bad with the fact that i know his home address.
the bad thing about all of this (besides that it absolutely sucks and everything continues to get worse and never hits rock bottom like i always think it has) is that this has all taken place perfectly in my timeframe to restudy for the lsat. yep, i take it again in two days, this saturday. i took the lsat for the first time the day after the old director retired. so it has been sucking away my energy and motivation and will to do anything and the studying has not been great. but my applications are in and i'll just see what happens. worst case scenario i don't get in and i apply again next year, in which case i would have ass loads of time to study. so i am actually feeling calm about it. i am learning to take things in strides and have plan b and c and d and e and f and g and h and i and j and k and l and m.
basically, here are my plans (after coming up with them i am sleeping again at night):
1 - get into byu and go there because cheap.
2 - get into utah and go there because that would be kick ass.
3 - don't get into either school, apply again next year and continue to look for a job
4 - if i decide not to apply again or decide not to go (plan for every outcome), get more education in library sciences or human resources
mostly the $$$$ is stressing me out. i won't even tell you how much i've spent on applying. it's in the thousands. but.. we are financially stable, and i just tell myself that even though i did spend all of that, at the end of the day nothing has been lost, and i can keep working here and making those bucks if all else fails while i figure something else out. it has been a time of hot, hot, hot, hot turmoil at work but there is still that little flame inside me that says maybe it will be okay. not that i would in any case ever stay here permanently, but why not continue being fiesty and saying what i think as is the MO these days and let the joke be on them as i laugh my way to the bank? (ok.. that's not as fun with direct deposit). i am really looking forward to saturday and the second lsat being over so i can blow off some steam and go home after work and let loose. i am handling all the separate things in my life ok but all together... damn. like, i just want to play xbox. so i am looking forward to that.
besides constantly being torn down at work, i am overall feeling strong. i'm ready to get the projects going and have been brainstorming things that could make me happy. some are:
-zero waste office for 30 days. how would i do this, would i have to buy handkerchiefs?? is there a way to get people's messages to them without paper notes?
-reading articles through lib.byu.edu and writing little blurbs on them, then putting them in a google docs folder. i have been reading some steinem and titling them with perfect MLA bibliography references and ahhhhhhhhh..... it is so nice and relaxing. and i could quote one at any time and have the reference ready to go!
-writing postcards and letters to people.
-okay.. i know this may sound crazy but i really want to give all my books to the library. i am having a hard time with this because my bookshelves are currently a very large part of our living room decor. so maybe i will end up doing it when we move. but i love the idea of donating a bunch of books with "from the library of.." stamped in them. my plan then for books i wanted to read would be: 1 - check it out from the library. 2 - if the library doesn't have it, buy it, read it, then donate it. the whole idea just gives me the feels.
-make friends. is this weird? i am weird. it would be weird. but i am starting to miss people again now that i am healing up from the last few years. i have this image in my head of dh and i stable and happy in california going out at night with our friends after long good days of working in our happy careers--that could happen right? i know married couples are friends with other married couples all the time here in ye ole provo but isn't it weird? isn't there just always like a swingers vibe that won't go away? i know it can't be that complicated but i do not understand how this works.
speaking of, the long term plan is shaping up kind of nicely. we think the timeline will go something like this:
this next year - still what we're currently doing
year 2 to 5 - i go to law school and dh graduates and teaches for a few years
years 5 to 7 or 8 - i begin my career while dh does his masters
when dh finishes, who knows?? i am feeling this kind of overwhelming peace about it. like, we have our whole lives to do what we want and it is ok for it to take time to get there. it's okay for us to take 8 years because that is what life is, and it will be so worth it, and we can both pursue our educational and career goals like we want. it's giving me more patience with my job, with my applications, with my day to day life. i guess this is what growing up feels like. perspective.
in other news, church is a nightmare. don't even ask. i have to get an ecclesiastical endorsement from the bishop before my byu law application is actually done and that should be... rough.
i have been in a mad rush to get all my health needs squared away in preparation to leave my job and our double coverage with great benefits. got my wisdom teeth out, now have an occlusal guard because i grind my teeth so bad, and i also got a surprise granuloma annulare out of the whole thing! don't google that. it's near my armpit. basically it's a benign completely inexplicable skin rash. so, my skin sucks. but i already knew that. the healing from the stitches from the biopsy is ongoing and way worse than the rash, but at least it was nothing. it was a superficial sample that she took but there was this white.. blob that she didn't know what it is. she was like, "maybe it's weird superficial fat?" def possible. "or maybe it's whatever this is that your body's fighting?" again possible, but not reassuring. so she sewed it in and i call it my alien.
thanksgiving was really great and then really awkward. all the fam was there plus grandparents, who are increasingly getting on my nerves these days. which is awful... and i need to come to jesus. so i will work on that. but they do aggravate my mom when she is already sensitive lately, then throw the in-laws in there and wow, the last few days of vacation were rough. but so it goes. it wasn't as hard as i though it would be without my dad. i still feel like i'm just waiting for a ton of bricks to hit me. i was telling dh that i feel like i need to set aside a day or some nights when i just sit and think about my dad--just purposefully think of all the things and feel everything. we did christmas gifts with the fam at thanksgiving and my mom gave us all a present from my dad--each of us got our own framed picture with him. she said about a week before he stopped talking she asked if there was anything he wanted the kids to get for christmas, and that was his wish. his mental state was already somewhat diminished and that childlike worry was strong and she said he kept asking, "will they remember me?" i wish he only knew.
in other other news, i have become obsessed with the weeknd, and my vinyl collection continues to grow. someday i will buy a 'songs about jane' pressing ($300). someday i will do it and it will crown my collection.
and finally... bev and i talked on the phone like four times today and it made me really happy.
more than anything, i am on the up and up.
goings on
prelaw advisor subtext: this is good, but don't say it like you're an angry feminist.
my subtext: but i am an angry feminist.
when after more than a year i finally get my law school applications in:
when i hear the 100th person at work say that the us constitution will hang by a thread:
trying to coordinate with my brothers about pies for thanksgiving.
trying to explain feminist underpinnings of jessica jones to dh while he trolls me:
when i have to go to work instead of finishing the last four episodes of jessica jones:
when joy gets a PG13 rating:
when i just want to enjoy thanksgiving but my dad died and work is blowing up (AGAIN) and i have to take the LSAT on december 3rd:
my subtext: but i am an angry feminist.
when after more than a year i finally get my law school applications in:
when i hear the 100th person at work say that the us constitution will hang by a thread:
trying to coordinate with my brothers about pies for thanksgiving.
trying to explain feminist underpinnings of jessica jones to dh while he trolls me:
when i have to go to work instead of finishing the last four episodes of jessica jones:
when joy gets a PG13 rating:
when i just want to enjoy thanksgiving but my dad died and work is blowing up (AGAIN) and i have to take the LSAT on december 3rd:
a few days after the funeral i had a dream about my dad. i dreamt that we were all at his funeral but instead of being in a casket we had laid his sunday-clothed body in a shallow grave and put a cloth over his face. we were in the process of the funeral when he started stirring, just a little, and there was a hushed discussion in the crowd as we waited and as someone told him it was time to go now.
i often have large scale disaster dreams but aren't about the disaster but about trying to survive after. i had one where my family was with me, including my dad, but he had no legs (and still soldiered on).
last night i dreamt that we came home to our family house and there was water in the window wells--a basement flood. my dad looked at it in despair, in his frail little body, and then set to work diligently making plans and moving the water. i was making plans in my head to ask at work about the carpet cleaning and hoping they would do it for free.
the dreams are getting less frequent and honestly the month-mark since my dad's death passed unceremoniously. actually i was taking the LSAT the day after the one month mark.
my dad passed away at home in the living room where he was the last little while in his hospital bed. my mom was home alone with him--actually, his nurse had just left the house minutes before and was still taking down notes out front in her car when my mom started to hear the death rattle. mom prayed she wouldn't be scared and sat by his side until he passed. they had a very unusually full schedule that day and dad died in the half hour when no one was coming or going.
hospice came to take the body (my brothers were home by then) and left a rose on the hospital bed in his place. my family talks about how respectful it was and how much closure it provided them. i kind of wish i could have been there to see it happen. i think of how doctors are supposed to say "so and so is dead" instead of using some euphemism like "not here anymore" to help the loved ones come to terms with the death, and it's not that i think i have a problem with that. i think i know he's gone. but i think it would have been an important human rite. then again, as the biggest worrier and as someone who lies awake all night over the smallest things, perhaps it's good i wasn't.
when we arrived at the house that night it was already like nothing had happened. we actually met the family at my brothers' soccer game--they wanted to play to honor their dad. there was some other family there. the first night was very painful because of what i think must be a natural phenomenon, which happened with dh's mom as well when his dad passed. all i wanted was my mom, but all she wanted was other people. it felt completely isolating and jarring, but i can't blame her. how, in one of the biggest moments of your life, are you supposed to be there for your kids? a widow needs company and maybe not to give company. as painful as it was i took comfort knowing dh had felt that way too and that hopefully it would pass.
one of the things that hurt me was that my mom never told me directly how my dad had died. i overheard her telling it in a whisper to her sister and that's how i know what happened. it's not that i wished for her to relive it again and again, but it was difficult that i was never given a direct history of how it went.
i tried to let it go and countered by asking mom if i could go to the funeral home with her and her mom and sister, whom she had invited, the next day in order to finalize the funeral details. she of course agreed. it was a pretty short and to the point meeting (the funeral home actually kind of offered my mom a job because of how organized and professional she was, "by the book," and i don't think they were really kidding), but it was good to be included and to go. it provided a lot of closure.
we spent quite a few days at the house after and it was very healing.
when we returned for the funeral it was a crazy trip. we had a private graveside service with family only. there were no talks or "church stuff" as my dad had said, and no clergy. it was wonderful and so natural to my dad. my grandpa conducted the service.
the main part of the service was that all the adults in the family got a rose and got to go up front, say something about dad, and then put their flower on the casket. everyone shared memories and said goodbye. in advance our immediate family talked a lot about how they didn't think they would say anything. it turned out that my brothers gave very beautiful thoughts, especially the one in particular who was the oldest at home and went through night after night after night of worrying over and listening for my dad and taking care that he was okay until he passed.
in the end, i was the only person who didn't say something. honestly i never even considered saying something. it was a funeral fit for my father and it was fitting to both of us that i didn't need to say anything. i spent a moment at the casket until i could speak and said, "bye dad," as i put my rose on top.
afterward everyone who mentioned it said the same thing: "it's okay. he knows what you meant." "he knows what was in your heart." i thought it was pretty thoughtless and unguided. i said exactly what i meant to say--goodbye. i had thought i would try to be stoic during the funeral and let it pass, as i had let everything pass, but instead i let myself feel it. i cried openly and really mourned and felt every thing. so, i was a mess the entire time. but it's not like i got to the casket and choked. it was strange how much they didn't get it, but also pointedly irrelevant.
i got what i needed, which was to say goodbye to my dad.
but if you ever find yourself in the situation, don't speak for someone's dead loved one. even if you're their mom. people mourn in unexpected ways, but they mourn in a very personal way and exactly how they mean to. and mourning, perhaps more than any other human experience, doesn't need framing or narration.
after everyone had a chance to share dh sang my mom and dad's song with the guitar and i read my dad's testimony he had written for the occasion, and we were done. i say this as a naive person who wasn't involved in the heartache my parents went through, but the funeral was beautiful in that my dad had helped plan it--down to the last details.
we went straight to the luncheon at the church and my tampon leaked on my white dress and the rest of that is history. it was kind of an easy out and while we were all in a good mood at the luncheon it was nice to leave without having to say goodbye to anyone (at the graveside a hug line formed--twice). the party my mom always said she would have not surprisingly never really happened--we all kind of went home and napped and fizzled out. the extended family eventually all fizzled out too and the rest of us, the core of us, were left for a time to ourselves.
my brother got engaged that weekend and life moves on surprisingly quickly. my other brother and his wife lost their sweet baby. things are rolling on and i don't know that it's really quite hit me yet, the depth of the despair and the realization of what is lost. on the day he died i was talking to my mom about how we were so focused on the cancer and the hospice for so long until the end that once it was all over there was kind of this realization that he was more than a cancer patient. he was so much more than that and so much had happened before cancer happened. at least for me, i didn't realize until it happened that i still needed to mourn my dad and not just a cancer patient.
i'm sure more of that will come. we haven't been back to my mom's since the funeral and that time will soon come. i am glad we are all close together and we can fold into the holidays and let this, too, pass over us. there is still a lot left i have to feel.
and, i miss my dad.
i often have large scale disaster dreams but aren't about the disaster but about trying to survive after. i had one where my family was with me, including my dad, but he had no legs (and still soldiered on).
last night i dreamt that we came home to our family house and there was water in the window wells--a basement flood. my dad looked at it in despair, in his frail little body, and then set to work diligently making plans and moving the water. i was making plans in my head to ask at work about the carpet cleaning and hoping they would do it for free.
the dreams are getting less frequent and honestly the month-mark since my dad's death passed unceremoniously. actually i was taking the LSAT the day after the one month mark.
my dad passed away at home in the living room where he was the last little while in his hospital bed. my mom was home alone with him--actually, his nurse had just left the house minutes before and was still taking down notes out front in her car when my mom started to hear the death rattle. mom prayed she wouldn't be scared and sat by his side until he passed. they had a very unusually full schedule that day and dad died in the half hour when no one was coming or going.
hospice came to take the body (my brothers were home by then) and left a rose on the hospital bed in his place. my family talks about how respectful it was and how much closure it provided them. i kind of wish i could have been there to see it happen. i think of how doctors are supposed to say "so and so is dead" instead of using some euphemism like "not here anymore" to help the loved ones come to terms with the death, and it's not that i think i have a problem with that. i think i know he's gone. but i think it would have been an important human rite. then again, as the biggest worrier and as someone who lies awake all night over the smallest things, perhaps it's good i wasn't.
when we arrived at the house that night it was already like nothing had happened. we actually met the family at my brothers' soccer game--they wanted to play to honor their dad. there was some other family there. the first night was very painful because of what i think must be a natural phenomenon, which happened with dh's mom as well when his dad passed. all i wanted was my mom, but all she wanted was other people. it felt completely isolating and jarring, but i can't blame her. how, in one of the biggest moments of your life, are you supposed to be there for your kids? a widow needs company and maybe not to give company. as painful as it was i took comfort knowing dh had felt that way too and that hopefully it would pass.
one of the things that hurt me was that my mom never told me directly how my dad had died. i overheard her telling it in a whisper to her sister and that's how i know what happened. it's not that i wished for her to relive it again and again, but it was difficult that i was never given a direct history of how it went.
i tried to let it go and countered by asking mom if i could go to the funeral home with her and her mom and sister, whom she had invited, the next day in order to finalize the funeral details. she of course agreed. it was a pretty short and to the point meeting (the funeral home actually kind of offered my mom a job because of how organized and professional she was, "by the book," and i don't think they were really kidding), but it was good to be included and to go. it provided a lot of closure.
we spent quite a few days at the house after and it was very healing.
when we returned for the funeral it was a crazy trip. we had a private graveside service with family only. there were no talks or "church stuff" as my dad had said, and no clergy. it was wonderful and so natural to my dad. my grandpa conducted the service.
the main part of the service was that all the adults in the family got a rose and got to go up front, say something about dad, and then put their flower on the casket. everyone shared memories and said goodbye. in advance our immediate family talked a lot about how they didn't think they would say anything. it turned out that my brothers gave very beautiful thoughts, especially the one in particular who was the oldest at home and went through night after night after night of worrying over and listening for my dad and taking care that he was okay until he passed.
in the end, i was the only person who didn't say something. honestly i never even considered saying something. it was a funeral fit for my father and it was fitting to both of us that i didn't need to say anything. i spent a moment at the casket until i could speak and said, "bye dad," as i put my rose on top.
afterward everyone who mentioned it said the same thing: "it's okay. he knows what you meant." "he knows what was in your heart." i thought it was pretty thoughtless and unguided. i said exactly what i meant to say--goodbye. i had thought i would try to be stoic during the funeral and let it pass, as i had let everything pass, but instead i let myself feel it. i cried openly and really mourned and felt every thing. so, i was a mess the entire time. but it's not like i got to the casket and choked. it was strange how much they didn't get it, but also pointedly irrelevant.
i got what i needed, which was to say goodbye to my dad.
but if you ever find yourself in the situation, don't speak for someone's dead loved one. even if you're their mom. people mourn in unexpected ways, but they mourn in a very personal way and exactly how they mean to. and mourning, perhaps more than any other human experience, doesn't need framing or narration.
after everyone had a chance to share dh sang my mom and dad's song with the guitar and i read my dad's testimony he had written for the occasion, and we were done. i say this as a naive person who wasn't involved in the heartache my parents went through, but the funeral was beautiful in that my dad had helped plan it--down to the last details.
we went straight to the luncheon at the church and my tampon leaked on my white dress and the rest of that is history. it was kind of an easy out and while we were all in a good mood at the luncheon it was nice to leave without having to say goodbye to anyone (at the graveside a hug line formed--twice). the party my mom always said she would have not surprisingly never really happened--we all kind of went home and napped and fizzled out. the extended family eventually all fizzled out too and the rest of us, the core of us, were left for a time to ourselves.
my brother got engaged that weekend and life moves on surprisingly quickly. my other brother and his wife lost their sweet baby. things are rolling on and i don't know that it's really quite hit me yet, the depth of the despair and the realization of what is lost. on the day he died i was talking to my mom about how we were so focused on the cancer and the hospice for so long until the end that once it was all over there was kind of this realization that he was more than a cancer patient. he was so much more than that and so much had happened before cancer happened. at least for me, i didn't realize until it happened that i still needed to mourn my dad and not just a cancer patient.
i'm sure more of that will come. we haven't been back to my mom's since the funeral and that time will soon come. i am glad we are all close together and we can fold into the holidays and let this, too, pass over us. there is still a lot left i have to feel.
and, i miss my dad.
life trudges on.
i plan to write about my dad soon, but i can't yet.
law school is looming larger and larger. i know we are weird about religion here but i will still say that i have felt blessed through all of this. i know i never could have done it if i wasn't able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and wake up from my situational depression, but the necessary people i had to pull into my life have been like beacons. and, they are all women! what are the chances that a recovering and sometimes defensive feminist living in one of the most conservative parts of the country would get to work with a female professor, a female pre law advisor, and a female lsat instructor.
my lsat instructor told us to email her at any time of the day or night with any questions, no matter how specific, and that should would get back to us as soon as she could. she was quite the opposite of me--she has a science and a law degree and has a math brain for sure. but her tough love gave me so much.
my pre law advisor is wonderful and fields all of my long, worried, intense emails. i have had trouble getting time off work to go in to meet with her after taking so much time off when my dad died and since i'm currently having a mini melt down about the lsat she offered to come to my desk where i work this afternoon and discuss my options with me. i can't believe how above and beyond she has gone for me. the first time i met her i explained that i really just needed to know if law school was even plausible and if i could do it and she put her hands on the desk and said, "yes. megan listen to me, seriously. you. can. do. this."
and my professor was kind, understanding, and honest--everything you need someone who recommends you to be. if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't have a letter of rec from a professor, because all the other professors retired.
so amidst the studying and fighting through all this i feel so much love and support.
if there is one lesson i have learned this year it's that you have to ask for what you need. because when you do, your detractors shrink and people you may not even know will come to bat for you.
speaking of detractors... work sucks ass more than ever. long story. but i have a job interview tomorrow for a position my managing director invited me to apply for. also a long, long story... but i have a ridiculously strong application and a good reason to think they'll hire me if i don't mess up the interview. the managing director is retiring and he literally told me this is his last ditch effort to get me out of here before he retires. (he is and has always been wonderful and a strong supporter of me). despite it all, i am trying not to get my hopes up, but who knows--it could totally happen. after years of struggle and job searching, i could have a job literally given to me. wouldn't that be seriously the most ridiculous and ironic thing?
ps - my guilty pleasure lately is watching sex and the city. i know a lot of people would say this makes me a bad feminist and inside i'm like "don't tell me how to feminist!!!" but then i watch it by myself in the night so no one knows, so what does that tell you.
i plan to write about my dad soon, but i can't yet.
law school is looming larger and larger. i know we are weird about religion here but i will still say that i have felt blessed through all of this. i know i never could have done it if i wasn't able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and wake up from my situational depression, but the necessary people i had to pull into my life have been like beacons. and, they are all women! what are the chances that a recovering and sometimes defensive feminist living in one of the most conservative parts of the country would get to work with a female professor, a female pre law advisor, and a female lsat instructor.
my lsat instructor told us to email her at any time of the day or night with any questions, no matter how specific, and that should would get back to us as soon as she could. she was quite the opposite of me--she has a science and a law degree and has a math brain for sure. but her tough love gave me so much.
my pre law advisor is wonderful and fields all of my long, worried, intense emails. i have had trouble getting time off work to go in to meet with her after taking so much time off when my dad died and since i'm currently having a mini melt down about the lsat she offered to come to my desk where i work this afternoon and discuss my options with me. i can't believe how above and beyond she has gone for me. the first time i met her i explained that i really just needed to know if law school was even plausible and if i could do it and she put her hands on the desk and said, "yes. megan listen to me, seriously. you. can. do. this."
and my professor was kind, understanding, and honest--everything you need someone who recommends you to be. if it wasn't for her, i wouldn't have a letter of rec from a professor, because all the other professors retired.
so amidst the studying and fighting through all this i feel so much love and support.
if there is one lesson i have learned this year it's that you have to ask for what you need. because when you do, your detractors shrink and people you may not even know will come to bat for you.
speaking of detractors... work sucks ass more than ever. long story. but i have a job interview tomorrow for a position my managing director invited me to apply for. also a long, long story... but i have a ridiculously strong application and a good reason to think they'll hire me if i don't mess up the interview. the managing director is retiring and he literally told me this is his last ditch effort to get me out of here before he retires. (he is and has always been wonderful and a strong supporter of me). despite it all, i am trying not to get my hopes up, but who knows--it could totally happen. after years of struggle and job searching, i could have a job literally given to me. wouldn't that be seriously the most ridiculous and ironic thing?
ps - my guilty pleasure lately is watching sex and the city. i know a lot of people would say this makes me a bad feminist and inside i'm like "don't tell me how to feminist!!!" but then i watch it by myself in the night so no one knows, so what does that tell you.
dear brother:
so. you're going to have a baby. i dreamt about you and your probably weeks old child last night after you called me to let me know. you may or may not ask me at this big turning point in your life why i haven't had kids; i could see it being something you would ask. we come from very different points of view in life right now, and in case you ask, i want to write out my thoughts first and give you an answer that is kind to both of us.
there is a reason dh and i aren't having kids right now (and it's not that we're selfish). for me, it is a matter of responsibility, which breaks into two basic parts.
the first one is the responsibility of providing for a child. i don't want to be boring and talk about the economy, but that stuff is real. it is really important to me to be secure financially--even if that security was just a stable plan--and to be secure in my marriage before having kids. i'm a very independent person and believe self efficiency, in every way, is more important than almost anything. beyond physical needs, there is a voyage of going from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife and it begins, not ends, on your wedding day. it also comes at a steep cost which many find worth it, but not all. while i have learned and am learning better than to judge any person and their choice, it has been a powerful experience for me to realize that as an empowered and secure woman in my mid-twenties on her way to law school, i don't feel ready, and that surely that must mean there are a grand host of to-be parents who weren't ready and--for belief or for duty or for religion or for whatever reason--decided to press on and be parents. it's easy to say that a person can't ever be ready to have kids and that it's just a step you take. but i think there's a difference between i don't know if i'm ready and i am NOT ready, which is what i feel. which leads me into my next point.
the second one is a responsibility of providing for myself. when i got married, people--especially people in the church--started treating me differently. it's extremely hard to explain it, but one good example of it is that if someone in the ward had a question for me, they would ask sam rather than getting in touch with me. there was an unspoken understanding that he was now in charge of me, but that wasn't how our relationship was and i hadn't consented to it. in general, people were treating me in a way that i hadn't consented to be treated. honestly, it was shattering and sent me into depression. i was the same person as i was the day before i got married, but now it was like i lived in a different universe. people i had never discussed cooking with were asking me what i was making for dinner. it caused me to reevaluate everything and is what led me to be a feminist. one of those expected things was having kids. i was suddenly expected to adore kids, want kids, talk about kids all the time, and be crazy about kids, make the focus of everything i did being a mom--which i wasnt--and i didn't feel that way. it made me realize that my agency is important.
when i imagine explaining this to you in person i imagine you replying with: "that's sad." that the husband is the head of the household and that there are certain implications of getting married. you are of a very conservative vein and if that works for you, that is great. but for me personally, it was the only way to be true to how i felt about myself and how i thought god felt about me. you might say that having children is a temple covenant and the only way to self actualization. i would reply that there are many, many things we don't know about temple covenants and that there are innumerable ways to give service in this life. after all, those who are becoming dads and especially moms are often then not becoming doctors, humanitarian workers, lawyers, scientists, astrologists, engineers, authors, theologians, and politicians.
this would be the end of my spiel. there are some things i won't say to you. to be frank, you seem to have married into money so i'm guessing money isn't an issue for you. but with only one semester of college, no career plans, and a partner who isn't nearly finished with school and will need further schooling to work in her field, i am concerned for what may be your decreased opportunities. i mean, for heaven's sake, the two of you haven't paid rent a single day of your marriage yet. especially in a feminist relationship with both partners on board, certainly school is very doable and financial security is (hopefully) attainable even with kids. but something i learned the hard way is that even a small decision drastically changes your entire life, and you can never go back. in this situation you've chosen, you will have to fight hard, and i know you will. but it is already such a hard battle to have kids. you have to provide emotionally. i am worried that your new marriage--you've only been married for three months and things may seem great but you can't understand what will come.
i told you on the phone how excited i was for you, and i meant it. i've had a hard time saying that to our cousins, especially, because it wasn't true at all. but i could hear the excitement in your voice. i hope everything works out and you have this joy, if it's what you want. i'm sure mom will be excited. it is weird to have a flurry of life happening right after dad's passing, with an engagement and now a baby. but we press on and perhaps that is the best way to honor him. everyone deserves their agency, and you deserve anything that will make you happy.
so. you're going to have a baby. i dreamt about you and your probably weeks old child last night after you called me to let me know. you may or may not ask me at this big turning point in your life why i haven't had kids; i could see it being something you would ask. we come from very different points of view in life right now, and in case you ask, i want to write out my thoughts first and give you an answer that is kind to both of us.
there is a reason dh and i aren't having kids right now (and it's not that we're selfish). for me, it is a matter of responsibility, which breaks into two basic parts.
the first one is the responsibility of providing for a child. i don't want to be boring and talk about the economy, but that stuff is real. it is really important to me to be secure financially--even if that security was just a stable plan--and to be secure in my marriage before having kids. i'm a very independent person and believe self efficiency, in every way, is more important than almost anything. beyond physical needs, there is a voyage of going from boyfriend/girlfriend to husband/wife and it begins, not ends, on your wedding day. it also comes at a steep cost which many find worth it, but not all. while i have learned and am learning better than to judge any person and their choice, it has been a powerful experience for me to realize that as an empowered and secure woman in my mid-twenties on her way to law school, i don't feel ready, and that surely that must mean there are a grand host of to-be parents who weren't ready and--for belief or for duty or for religion or for whatever reason--decided to press on and be parents. it's easy to say that a person can't ever be ready to have kids and that it's just a step you take. but i think there's a difference between i don't know if i'm ready and i am NOT ready, which is what i feel. which leads me into my next point.
the second one is a responsibility of providing for myself. when i got married, people--especially people in the church--started treating me differently. it's extremely hard to explain it, but one good example of it is that if someone in the ward had a question for me, they would ask sam rather than getting in touch with me. there was an unspoken understanding that he was now in charge of me, but that wasn't how our relationship was and i hadn't consented to it. in general, people were treating me in a way that i hadn't consented to be treated. honestly, it was shattering and sent me into depression. i was the same person as i was the day before i got married, but now it was like i lived in a different universe. people i had never discussed cooking with were asking me what i was making for dinner. it caused me to reevaluate everything and is what led me to be a feminist. one of those expected things was having kids. i was suddenly expected to adore kids, want kids, talk about kids all the time, and be crazy about kids, make the focus of everything i did being a mom--which i wasnt--and i didn't feel that way. it made me realize that my agency is important.
when i imagine explaining this to you in person i imagine you replying with: "that's sad." that the husband is the head of the household and that there are certain implications of getting married. you are of a very conservative vein and if that works for you, that is great. but for me personally, it was the only way to be true to how i felt about myself and how i thought god felt about me. you might say that having children is a temple covenant and the only way to self actualization. i would reply that there are many, many things we don't know about temple covenants and that there are innumerable ways to give service in this life. after all, those who are becoming dads and especially moms are often then not becoming doctors, humanitarian workers, lawyers, scientists, astrologists, engineers, authors, theologians, and politicians.
this would be the end of my spiel. there are some things i won't say to you. to be frank, you seem to have married into money so i'm guessing money isn't an issue for you. but with only one semester of college, no career plans, and a partner who isn't nearly finished with school and will need further schooling to work in her field, i am concerned for what may be your decreased opportunities. i mean, for heaven's sake, the two of you haven't paid rent a single day of your marriage yet. especially in a feminist relationship with both partners on board, certainly school is very doable and financial security is (hopefully) attainable even with kids. but something i learned the hard way is that even a small decision drastically changes your entire life, and you can never go back. in this situation you've chosen, you will have to fight hard, and i know you will. but it is already such a hard battle to have kids. you have to provide emotionally. i am worried that your new marriage--you've only been married for three months and things may seem great but you can't understand what will come.
i told you on the phone how excited i was for you, and i meant it. i've had a hard time saying that to our cousins, especially, because it wasn't true at all. but i could hear the excitement in your voice. i hope everything works out and you have this joy, if it's what you want. i'm sure mom will be excited. it is weird to have a flurry of life happening right after dad's passing, with an engagement and now a baby. but we press on and perhaps that is the best way to honor him. everyone deserves their agency, and you deserve anything that will make you happy.
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