i have this issue where i get really upset about things at work and then sometimes can't calm down about it for hours (or days, depending on the thing).
boss is always telling me to go ahead and take care of things and that i don't need to check with him. (isn't that my job anyway? to take care of things so he has more time? and shouldn't anything i can resolve under no circumstance need to go through him, especially when they don't involve him at all?) then a tiny thing will happen that catches him off guard (an email conversation that happened while he was on vacation, in this case), and i get ten minute phone calls lecturing me on how to do things (always exactly what i have already done). today the lecture ended with him asking me not to embarrass him anymore. his exact words were, 'does this make sense what i'm saying? it will save us embarrassment, do you see that?"
sorry you're not caught up but everyone else knows what's going on and i already did everything you just asked me to do.
this is why i frequent ksl.com/jobs.
pollution
utah: "all this polution sucks! don't worry everyone, once we get a storm, or some kind of precipitation, all of our pollution will be swept away to somewhere else! then for a little while it won't be so bad."
me: seriously, what the freak. how about reducing pollution or finding alternative energy sources instead of just pumping out disgusting shiz and waiting for a snow storm. where is the accountability?
me: seriously, what the freak. how about reducing pollution or finding alternative energy sources instead of just pumping out disgusting shiz and waiting for a snow storm. where is the accountability?
also
every virgin lds bride needs an anonymously gifted vibrator for her wedding. i am sick of hearing lds women defending the idea that, by nature, men want/need sex more than women do, and that they enjoy it much more. every human has a different sex drive, but the degree to which female sexuality isn't even acknowledged is terrifying.
girly girls
i'm in the office alone this morning and have been thinking about medicaid, even though she is not here. (by the way, great news! all of the terrible employees that were here when i started/have made my life a waking night terror have officially left! i got all new employees for christmas, and it was perfectly underwhelming and quiet around here.)
when i met her she was quirky, definitely a tom boy, would wear shorts and an athletic shirt to work, and her hair would be wet because she'd just gone to the gym. she would just talk non-stop about basketball and the fun things she did with her family. we connected over weddings and mother in laws and i actually always enjoyed talking to her.
then she fell in love with her future doctor bigot husband and they got married right away. now, a year later, she is a completely different person. she wears maxi skirts and gets eyelash extensions. she has ombre hair that is always curled and usually has a barrette. she always has three purses/bags for all her stuff and talks nonstop about her husband's grad school, eventual career, his classes, his hardships, how he's always studying, how obama has ruined the medical career, the cute deals she finds on craigslist, puppies, babies, and how they want to go to the carribean with their friends for med school.
it all really started when they lost their premature, unexpected baby to heart complications; she wrote about it on her blog, and it went as viral as something like that will get in utah valley. she became obsessed with blogging--about dressers, about cookies, about smoothies. she told us she had spent hours and days designing her blog. her husband got her a really nice camera on her birthday and she rejoiced that there wouldn't be 'bad' pictures on her blog anymore.
long gone is the girl i connected with semi-well. i didn't know then that she thought gay people were 'gay because they got bored with regular sex and had to do something more exotic to stay satisfied.' i didn't know that she would spout endlessly about the evils of obama, and especially welfare, and then get medicaid a year later. i didn't know yet how much she hated feminists, and hadn't heard her go on and on about how 'they obvoiusly just don't understand the gospel.'
or, she wasn't that person yet. i have often wondered where people who believe as she does come from, and now i have seen it happen in front of my eyes. as much anxiety as she has given me, i worry about the girl i used to know. i wonder if she would have ever been like this if it weren't for the husband she chose and the blog that got big. she is a 100% different person.
women should choose who they are, and really it's no one's business. watching this whole thing go down, though, has been the weirdest, saddest experience.
when i met her she was quirky, definitely a tom boy, would wear shorts and an athletic shirt to work, and her hair would be wet because she'd just gone to the gym. she would just talk non-stop about basketball and the fun things she did with her family. we connected over weddings and mother in laws and i actually always enjoyed talking to her.
then she fell in love with her future doctor bigot husband and they got married right away. now, a year later, she is a completely different person. she wears maxi skirts and gets eyelash extensions. she has ombre hair that is always curled and usually has a barrette. she always has three purses/bags for all her stuff and talks nonstop about her husband's grad school, eventual career, his classes, his hardships, how he's always studying, how obama has ruined the medical career, the cute deals she finds on craigslist, puppies, babies, and how they want to go to the carribean with their friends for med school.
it all really started when they lost their premature, unexpected baby to heart complications; she wrote about it on her blog, and it went as viral as something like that will get in utah valley. she became obsessed with blogging--about dressers, about cookies, about smoothies. she told us she had spent hours and days designing her blog. her husband got her a really nice camera on her birthday and she rejoiced that there wouldn't be 'bad' pictures on her blog anymore.
long gone is the girl i connected with semi-well. i didn't know then that she thought gay people were 'gay because they got bored with regular sex and had to do something more exotic to stay satisfied.' i didn't know that she would spout endlessly about the evils of obama, and especially welfare, and then get medicaid a year later. i didn't know yet how much she hated feminists, and hadn't heard her go on and on about how 'they obvoiusly just don't understand the gospel.'
or, she wasn't that person yet. i have often wondered where people who believe as she does come from, and now i have seen it happen in front of my eyes. as much anxiety as she has given me, i worry about the girl i used to know. i wonder if she would have ever been like this if it weren't for the husband she chose and the blog that got big. she is a 100% different person.
women should choose who they are, and really it's no one's business. watching this whole thing go down, though, has been the weirdest, saddest experience.
clarification on last post
i want to clarify a few things about being a fulfilled person.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
taking less out of life
i have been crushing hard on american hustle since i saw it. i am reading this interview with one of the actors and the director, and they had this conversation:
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
C.K.: Well, when you and I first talked about this, you told me the sort of world of it and who I was playing and how he fit in, and my feeling was that this guy was the only person who was not having these problems that the other characters were having. My guy doesn't have layers. He doesn't have to figure out how much of himself to use or how to call another person out. He just does what he's supposed to do. It's interesting because I was watching the movie while my kids were doing their homework, and when it was over, I said, "I'm so relieved that I don't break laws. I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about the shit that these people in the movie are wrestling with." That's probably why I had a good time playing that guy—I think he felt that way, too. It's like, "You people are nuts. You're not supposed to be doing any of these things that you're doing. None of this is okay. You're supposed to be yourself, be honest, follow the law, and take less out of life."
RUSELL: Take less out of life?
C.K.: Yeah. You're not supposed to become something else so you can get more. You're supposed to stay you and get through as yourself, because at least then you can count on that, and you don't have to ask yourself who you are half the time. So my guy was a lot simpler to play. It was good playing with Bradley because he is so unhinged and laser-like and passionate, and it's really fun to be somebody's roadblock. He's burning in every scene, and I'm simply saying, "No, you can't do this"—it's making him crazy.
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
suits
a man at work with older still-at-home children is currently going through a divorce. someone asked him how he is doing and he hesitantly started commenting, sardonically, on how he's doing.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
open door policy
i just realized that my boss won't close his door when we have meetings because i have a vagina.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
no womenz colorz plz
boss: "we switch colors every time so we can tell it's the updated version of the document. maybe we should do pink next!"
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
body
full hippie transformation is well under way.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
meals and groceries
lady: "what are you guys doing for christmas?"
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)