in high school, i dreamed of being a manic pixie dream girl. actually, more of a hilary duff-manic pixie dream girl crossbreed. elizabethtown came out when i was 15, and i just crushed so hard on it. i loved it. i still own the movie, and while i'm now aware that it is generally considered to be a terrible movie, (yeah, and yeah) there will always be a special place in my heart for it since it meant so much to me in my life at that moment.
like, to be a manic pixie dream girl, you just make up your own fashion sense and make up your own style of life and make up your own humor and be quirky and THAT'S IT, everyone will love you and the 'right' people will float in and out of your life. you'll have transient but meaningful friends, meet-cute lovers, and a charming, artsy, tag line life. i thought that was the greatest. and i always felt like i had transient friends (until the CA group), meet-cute lovers (even including my husband), and a charming, artsy, tag line life. even if it was mostly private and i wasn't actually a MPDG, i was in my mind in the way that for some reason mattered to me.
to be fair, the combination of my introverted but comfortable personality and a vague MPDG dream did result in a positive: me having self confidence and a boldness to march to the beat of my own drum, which i don't regret. but what happens when you don't have a quirky or "you do you" impulse to act on? what happens when you just want "a d v e n t u r e" in your life (which, just wanting that makes you feel like a manic pixie dream girl) but nothing you can think of would be genuine or worth it or interesting?
blogs are dying. sometimes i still really want to write on my public blog. sometimes i want to "bring it back." there's a really toxic blog culture, but i never felt sucked into that. i genuinely enjoyed experimenting with my writing and throwing a bit of myself out there, especially as an introvert. it gave me a lot of personal satisfaction, an outlet to talk about difficult things in my life, and yes, it even egged me on. i was a really private person who had a way to make really private things public in a way that was healthy and stimulating for me. like, when i did interesting things i could write about them on my blog and it infused life into me. but now blogs are dying and life is different, i'm different. i feel like i need to hold my cards so close to my chest. all the things i could be saying or developing in myself stay bottled up or come out as unpleasant, angry rants here.
i'm in a funk in life and i have been for years, and at the times that i have the gumption and will power to move on and change everything i can't because i genuinely don't know what i want. and it was easier when i wanted to be a manic pixie dream girl.
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