"are you happy working here? is there something in your relationship with me or your job that has you upset?"

this is what my boss asked me after he told me to close the door at the end of our one on one meeting. i was pretty surprised he was asking, but also not. i don't put on a fake smile for him anymore and i don't pretend to be stellar-amazeballs-happy with the shitty stuff that goes on. but having made peace with two and a half years of shitty situations, i looked him in the eyes and said, "no. everything is fine."

everything IS fine. i'm looking for a new job and my life is getting better. i know things are getting better because i have direction again, i can do my dishes and keep my kitchen clean, i am getting out of bed earlier, i've been to the gym and i've been eating at home, and my to do list is full of things that i'm actually excited about again. i have energy and i am excited to do things after work. for two years these things have been unthinkable and my life has been a mess, but finally, at least right now, things are going so well.

i could have told him everything. or even just started with one thing. maybe if i was planning on staying here i would have. but i don't need to be friends with him. i'm professional, i get all my work done, and i'm dependable. i have expressed my concerns and my opinions all along the way, and he not only lightly but frankly and in a very straight forward way dismissed them all--i don't owe him anything, and i don't think he deserves much else. who knows, maybe now he will take me seriously as a professional person, or listen to me when i speak up.

it was almost admirable and maybe in another world touching that he would ask me, but i honestly believe things never could have turned out differently and that he will never be less of a huge asshole. i knew it was a shallow inquiry when he finished the conversation by stating more than asking, throwing it in my face in his passive aggressive way, "oh okay, so my feelings are just completely unfounded then." like a statement to me that if i wasn't going to budge then he wasn't going to give a fuck.

sorry bro. i stopped caring about the pain you cause me a long time ago. and look how much better everything is getting because of that.