my mom and i don't talk about feminism. sometimes it is on the cusp of our conversation, or implied in something we say, but we never really talk about it.

i've been pretty worried about how my mom would take my decisions about my life and my family. we went to lunch together just the two of us and she said she was going to ask me "the dreaded question." it was around the time of kate kelly and i was imagining the worst. but what she wanted to know was if i wanted to have kids but felt like i couldn't/felt trapped/felt upset because i'm working full-time. i made a comment a while back around extended family--i was complaining about something and the punch line was that i needed to provide for my family. i think maybe i was talking about wishing i could quit my job but not being able to. i think it had her worried. but when i told her i was totally fine with it and not quite ready, she was relieved and happy for me.

that was all before i knew i wanted to go to law school. i told dh how worried i was about what my parents would say. they have said harsh words about other women in my family that have worked outside the home and put off having children. i wasn't planning on telling them for a long time, or even after i had applied and if i got in. but we were visiting them recently and even though my dad had gone to bed, the rest of us were sitting around in the living room, talking, waiting for one of my brothers to get home from work at 1:30am. my mom and i were sitting on the floor. we were all so sleepy and happy. my mom told us she was going to bed and to be good but she stayed sitting there. there was a quiet lull and that's when i was into the dim room, 'i'm going to apply to law school.'

'that is a wonderful idea. i am so proud of you. you would be so great at that,' my mom said. and the relief i felt was indescribable. dh was across the floor out of my mom's sight and he gave me a thumbs up under the coffee table.

later on the same trip we were talking about the grandkids that would someday come (my parents don't have any yet). my two brothers next in age are probably both getting married next summer, and we talk about it constantly. my mom was saying how excited she was to see my brothers with their kids and started listing off predictions-- for the youngest of us three, six daughters, since he is a rough and tumble no nonsense man. for my brother just younger than me, five boys, because he is so loving and would do great with a big family. i held my breath and i knew what was coming. i was scared. and for me, she said, "two sons."

i smiled and we both knew that she was, in a way, saying that she understood and accepted me. i can't think of anyone in our extended family or extended extended family that has two kids. we are a family of big families. but i knew then that my mom understood me and that everything was going to be ok, and no one would think poorly of me, when i was ready.

these small moments have been immeasurably healing and reassuring. i can't stop thinking today about how grateful i am for my mom and for our quiet understanding.