this weekend i found out one of my former employees that i have written a lot about on this blog, along with her husband who also worked for the same department, is getting divorced. they were married around the same time as dh and i but that has virtually no significance to me. this is a pair of people that hit my hate list hard and easily and often. this girl was seriously the bane of my existence for several months. our work drama flowed into my personal life and caused me a lot of problems and depression. and i took a lot of that out here.
when i learned about their divorce i was completely shocked. they lost a baby together and seemed to be really into each other, even if they had really different personalities. this guy had come and personally yelled at me about how i made his wife feel several times. he always seemed overbearing to me (when she was pregnant he would bring her bags of food and tell her what to eat when, except he wasn't really nice about it), but they at least seemed pretty fused together.
something i've been thinking a lot about lately is how when something bad happens to someone, people who never really liked them or were neutral toward them suddenly act like they were friends all along and like they care so much. maybe it makes me coldhearted, but i think this is incredibly fake and maybe part of what makes people in crisis feel even more alone and i don't want to be one of those people, so i'm not going to pretend like i'm torn up for this couple when i frankly didn't think they were really good a good match and i honestly didn't even think her husband was a good person.
but something in me is aching over this. some part of me is so sad. i don't know if it's because dh and i have had our troubles, like anyone, and seeing that a marriage can really be gone that quick was sobering. i don't know if i'm aching for the version of this girl that i once connected with. like, we really used to talk. she really, really listened to me when i needed it a few times. one day when she was newly married she asked me timidly how to brown meat. we were once really vulnerable with each other.
i very consciously put my supervisor relationships over my friendships at work. i work with peers and i'm not a lot of fun. this is first because of my personality and second because the last time i did that things just went so wrong. so this may not be entirely related, but this thing happens in my life where every friend i have ends up being my enemy. this wasn't always true in college (hello lovely ladies reading this) (although it did happen with SEVERAL close college friends) and isn't true now, frankly, because i haven't made new friends after my old ones left. i don't know if it's because i'm so introverted or because i'm lazy or what but i have a really difficult time building and keeping meaningful friendships. most of the time i don't care, or at least i think i don't. i'm a perfect loner and i love my space, but sometimes i also wish i had that talent to look at someone and see the good in them. to look at someone and embrace them completely even if if you sometimes disagree with them. i guess it's not even necessarily that i want a lot of friends because socializing is really terrifying and draining to me. i just wish i was softer, more open, more fun, more trustworthy. as i've come to accept being an introvert, i'm starting to worry that i am just going to have a friendship-less life.
i think there's a dissonance in my life between caring about individual voices and humanity and generosity and then just not being a likable person. does it matter if you're generous if you're not likable? i don't know why i'm depressed about their divorce or why this is all coming out at the same time. maybe it's just that i feel ironically close to their relationship because i watched it all happen and i was so sad a person i was getting along with disappeared right before my eyes.
like, how much more could this not be about me? but it is affecting me so much.
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