i ended up watching a lot of conference. i think it was mostly for the reason that i didn't want to get caught by a coworker or family member not knowing something really obvious or important that had happened. but it stung.

a lot of feminists and now-skeptics can do this wonderful thing where they listen to a neutral or even otherwise-problematic talk and pull out soundbites that give them hope. i've discovered that i don't have the ability to do this. if i even suspect a speaker or talk of meaning ill-will, i will ignore and curse them/it entirely

i feel like i've been successful in seeing the church as a body of individual, flawed people. for a lot of people, this bolsters their testimony and helps them believe it could still be true. but for me, it has only made me more bitter and confused. i still believe the church could be more than the sum of its parts, but how could so many individual parts, individual people, be so hateful, so disappointing, so casual or unaccountable in beliefs that not only harm but destroy other people. if the church is only as good as its individuals, then how come all the individuals give up their accountability and say not "the devil made me do it" but "the church made me do it" and get away with it, having it said of them that they are good people trying their best.

the worst was hearing president eyring, someone i have always admired and looked up to, quote another apostle in saying "the prophet receives revelation for the church, the bishop for the ward, the father for the family, and the individual for himself." so, women can't receive revelation? apparently. why, president eyring, couldn't you have added "or herself." why couldn't you have fixed this one harm and prevented the violence of that sentence. why, when i've trusted you so many years, you thought nothing of this?

i want to trust the church but i just don't trust the individuals, my acquaintances, in the church. just as easily as someone could say of an acquaintance, "they don't know me so i can't fault them for saying this thing," i will think, "they don't know me so how dare they ever say this thing."

i immediately dismiss and dislike and i don't know how to look for or use the good.