on friday dh was offered and hired or a full time job--his boss's job. so, pretty much our eyes are dollar signs right now.

except, it's so much more than that. we are doing well. we are both tooting along. after we got married, it was a year of just being in a dark place. then the next year genuinely dark things were happening in our lives. and now we are coming out of it a little bit and it feels so good. like, maybe this is just what feeling okay and being normal adult humans feels like. but we are so much happier. (at least, i am.)

it wasn't until a few months ago that i realized that what was missing in my life was time alone, time spent actually looking at myself and being like "okay who the f is there?" my senior year of college i was doing amazingly well. i lost a ton of weight and had finally come into my own as an english student and was excelling at work and freak i got a job before i even graduated. and then graduating, getting married, and starting work full time sent me to this twisty place.

i have always been kind of dysfunctional in romantic relationships and i was possessive and i let my life revolve around my marriage. and marriage is important but like dude if you're not doing anything else in life then you're not worth being married to, and i just didn't get that. i just hadn't really made plans to be a person after graduating. (not like i knew what to expect.) maybe waiting those two years f'ed me up (tho i don't regret waiting for him). maybe it's just that i never learned in my 4-year high school relationship to grow the f up and be an adult about things, because i just didn't have to. all i know i that whatever good thing i was coming into when i graduated college quickly left me.

but right now, this moment is delicious. the holidays are coming. some of my evenings will be free for me to spend at the gym, at the movies, in a good book, or wherever i please. we are going to get out of debt. we are doing everything our own way. some people don't get that but we are both doing things that are so right for us.

i am so happy. thank you to my friends who stuck with me when i was so lost.