i want to clarify a few things about being a fulfilled person.
i don't think it's impossible to have a family and do all the things i want to do. people can be parents and still do other awesome things, especially when they work together and do it their own way. i'm sure adventuring will continue well in to having a family. because i currently suffer depressive episodes and have a lot of dead space in my life, i can't imagine, with my myopic foresight, that having a family, something i'm having trouble with grasping or wanting at the moment, will ease or help that depression. i worry it will do the opposite.
i also know some people that are fulfilled by having a family, in and of itself. freak, maybe i will be one of those people some day. but because of above mental struggles, i worry about adding other human beings to the mix.
fin.
taking less out of life
i have been crushing hard on american hustle since i saw it. i am reading this interview with one of the actors and the director, and they had this conversation:
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
C.K.: Well, when you and I first talked about this, you told me the sort of world of it and who I was playing and how he fit in, and my feeling was that this guy was the only person who was not having these problems that the other characters were having. My guy doesn't have layers. He doesn't have to figure out how much of himself to use or how to call another person out. He just does what he's supposed to do. It's interesting because I was watching the movie while my kids were doing their homework, and when it was over, I said, "I'm so relieved that I don't break laws. I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about the shit that these people in the movie are wrestling with." That's probably why I had a good time playing that guy—I think he felt that way, too. It's like, "You people are nuts. You're not supposed to be doing any of these things that you're doing. None of this is okay. You're supposed to be yourself, be honest, follow the law, and take less out of life."
RUSELL: Take less out of life?
C.K.: Yeah. You're not supposed to become something else so you can get more. You're supposed to stay you and get through as yourself, because at least then you can count on that, and you don't have to ask yourself who you are half the time. So my guy was a lot simpler to play. It was good playing with Bradley because he is so unhinged and laser-like and passionate, and it's really fun to be somebody's roadblock. He's burning in every scene, and I'm simply saying, "No, you can't do this"—it's making him crazy.
when i read this, i as just like, 'holy f--, yes.'
husband and i were walking in a furniture store last saturday, just for fun. (we went to home depot, too.) we have had this hard on about our dream house and about putting some life back into our dreams. we are both really motivated, dream-oriented people, but have both been feeling so dead. we're here for a few more years--he is finishing school--and we don't have a lot of options until then. but there are so many things we would do. move to a big city. quit our jobs and take a risk. risk it all for the sake of an adventure. instead of spontaneous, we are both kind of dying inside. i feel my options and the things i dreamed of--degrees, promotions, art, travel, exploration--slipping away, trying to figure out how to fit in kids and a family. the more i think about, the less urgent and less true to myself it feels to rush in to having a family.
in the furniture store we spent the most time by the desks, talking about exactly what our home offices would look like and what we wanted to do. 'i'm really scared,' i said. 'if i just start having kids and doing the home life thing, i'm just going to become more depressed. we're supposed to start having a family and have kids, but we won't get anything we want if we do that.'
i'm scared. i'm terrified. is it really better to become a mom soon and be a lifeless, beaten down woman? don't i owe it to myself, my husband, and my some-day kids to be full of life and to be a fulfilled person?
going to the movies is therapy for me. i interpreted c.k.'s version of 'being yourself' and not having to 'ask yourself who you are' as being traditional, sticking to the plan, doing the quiet thing and letting your ambitions go. LDS culture says that putting off having a family for personal pursuits is damningly selfish, but i don't know if i'll survive if i don't. in LDS culture, men and women take less out of life in order to become fathers and mothers, to selflessly create, sustain, and protect their families.
i want to do it some day. but if i do it now i won't survive. i want to stretch myself, go out on a limb, and get a little crazy. i don't want to be a drone, and i don't think being one guarantees you heaven. i don't want to be terrifyingly conservative and boring and take less out of life to ensure something i don't think you get by being boring or conservative.
suits
a man at work with older still-at-home children is currently going through a divorce. someone asked him how he is doing and he hesitantly started commenting, sardonically, on how he's doing.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
'one of my bishopric guys tried to buy me a suit last weekend,' he said.
the guy he was talking to, who is currently a stake president, said, 'ah! well maybe they're going to call you to something where you'll need a suit!'
'no,' he said, 'they won't. i can't do any of the callings that you need a suit for now.'
'oh, yes you can!' the president said, smiling but obviously a little horrified.
'no. i can't,' he said.
it broke my heart for him and for all of those who are shut out of leadership roles in the church for things like sex or marital status. why is that a thing? his life in the church is forever demoted, unless he marries again.
open door policy
i just realized that my boss won't close his door when we have meetings because i have a vagina.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
generally, he has a rule that he closes his door when he has a regular one on one meeting with one of his direct reportees. he won't answer his phone, either. to his credit, he is a very dedicated and very intentional man. but we were talking in his office and people kept interrupting us, as they usually do, and someone said, 'sorry to interrupt! but your door was open, i guess.' to which he said, 'well............ we don't need it closed.' and i just realized all of the sudden that his policy is different with me than with all of our male colleagues.
this can really be for only three reasons:
1 - he doesn't trust himself to not do something sketchy, or what he perceives as sketchy, which i guess fits in nicely with the mormon boy opposite sex relationship phobia.
2 - he thinks i will try something.
3 - he wants to avoid the appearance of evil, which is a crock. maybe he thinks he's protecting me.
mostly, all three reasons creep me out. and it's pretty sexist and kind of unprofessional.
no womenz colorz plz
boss: "we switch colors every time so we can tell it's the updated version of the document. maybe we should do pink next!"
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
co-worker (man): "oh, that'd be cool!"
me: "pink would be great."
boss: "i'm joking."
co-worker: "i'd be ok with it!"
boss: "i'm not okay with it."
co-worker: "well our football team wears pink wristbands and sometimes other things to show support and stuff--"
boss: "oh, so that's why we're not winning."
(super awkward silence. no courtesy laughs for you, boss)
body
full hippie transformation is well under way.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
i don't really know how it happened, but i am obsessed with everything local, everything organic, everything to do with holistic nutrition and healing with food. i don't feel like i've ever been this uppity before, but now i feel like i will die without my organic shampoo, conditioner, detangler, soap (SO good!), mascara, lip balm, sweat shirts, for crying out loud, the list goes on. i found this company around the same time i got obsessed with this blog, and it was just all downhill (uphill?) from there.
then on top of that, a couple weeks ago husband and i got our blood test results back from when we applied for life insurance (approved, woo!). my cholesterol is actually not bad, just barely high, but my liver is in serious trouble. your liver takes toxins and fat out of your food, so when it is overloaded it essentially turns into a toxic glob of fat. which is disgusting. and that's about where i'm at. it was humbling and wonderful to get our results, and to see what i could work on. i've been focusing on food for my liver (leafy greens, garlic, grapefruit, lemon, beets, etc) and it has been so empowering. i bought carrots and beets and kept the greens to saute or eat in a salad. really, who does that. i hardly recognize myself. but it feels so good to have change.
for a while i went from having cravings to having no appetite at all. it was great that i wasn't wanting fast or greasy food anymore, but i also didn't really want anything. i still took it as a good sign; progress. now i am slowly looking at vegetables and thinking, 'wow, that looks amazing.'
i am obsessed with resetting my body. today i am fasting. a 24 hour fast is long enough to allow your cells to start receiving the benefits of fasting, and pretty effectively resets all your insides. after i fast i'm going to go for a brown rice/quinoa and veggies based diet for a few days. some other things i am obsessed with right now:
-hot baths with fresh grated ginger (wrap up in a blanket for at least an hour afterward to prolong the health benefits)
-drinking a warm glass of water with freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning
-taking a minced clove of garlic--yep, straight up; zaps bugs and illnesses
-kale chips
i want food to be my medicine. especially as i start exercising again. i want it to count. i want a strong body. i want to get in shape and rejuvenate before i have children. i want the long road. last time i lost weight, i had exercise pegged, but i never quite got into eating as healthy as i could have. now i'm starting with the reverse, and i think it's going to be wonderful.
meals and groceries
lady: "what are you guys doing for christmas?"
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
me: "oh we're just heading to my husband's parents' house for a couple of days."
lady: "oh, great, so you'll just help with the meals there?" (dafuq? thankfully she continued before i could answer) "i wish my kids would invite us to their house sometimes. they'll bring food, but you know, my one son married a girl that can't cook to save her life. she is mortified when she has to prepare anything for someone. and i just told him, 'i am so sorry.'"
this is coming from a lady who is having my boss take groceries home (hour drive) to give to her son ("he's not married") who lives in the same town, because he apparently can't take care of himself?
shit my grandparents say
"can gay people hold the priesthood?" (me from the back seat: "absolutely they can.") "can they go through the temple? i guess i heard that once."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
"i love nativities. but when it starts getting to the fisher price nativities or black or other people nativities, i don't groove on it. because that's not what He really looked like."
(to my now RM brother) "were afro-american or black or whatever people receptive to the gospel?"
"one of the recent popular news stories is about a man who decided he was a woman and left his family and made.. 'the change' i guess. so there's this woman sitting in priesthood now. and the only place that he doesn't have control is the church, because they won't change his record from 'male to 'female." (giggles uncontrollably.) "it's amazing the kind of stuff we have to put up with these days." "we've got the 'him,' 'her,' and 'it's' categories."
father's blessing
i just got back from a few-days' stay at my parent's house, and right before i left this morning my dad asked me if i would like a father's blessing.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
just his asking was very emotional, obviously. he is doing astonishingly well, even while he has been on chemo. his brain has been clear. but his mri to gauge how the treatments have gone is coming up soon and it could change everything. even with all the good that is happening, i try to stay calm and realistic. everything could change in a moment. he could still pass away for little to no reason. it is very tender around our house and the moments are precious.
of course i accepted the blessing, and he laid his hands upon my head in my parents' bedroom. my mom was the only other person there.
he told me how proud they were of me, and how pleased they were to have a daughter like me. so many tears. and then the blessing took a turn. my dad said that i have many talents, but that i have talents i have not yet discovered, and that i should keep searching for them. he acknowledged how much i love to study--and that, indeed, heavenly father has told us that "knowledge is important," but that i should work to keep my beliefs in line with those of the church, and study only good things.
i realize blessings are sacred, and i am no less grateful that he gave me one, but i felt a little taken aback. when he talked about "talent" i still need to discover i had the unmistakable impression that he was talking about motherhood. my parents were among those that made no delay in having children, because that's what counsel was coming from the church at the time--"don't wait." i feel this has worked out beautifully in their lives, and have no doubt that they made it a very serious and well thought out decision. but i have only been married a year and a half and the jokes about grandkids are becoming more frequent, but only on my side of the family and mostly from my mom and grandma. it just makes me so uncomfortable. my body is clearly not ready for a baby, and if they knew my mind, they would understand why i want to wait and keep working on myself and my emotional health.
as for studying things that are in line with the church, i feel that my views are in line with the Savior, even if they are not in line with the church. i think very deeply and very long about what i consider serious topics for a church that (mostly) encourages us to question and dig. and really, my parents don't know what my beliefs are. i'm sure they would be in strong disagreement, and so i am grateful it has never come up (very much on purpose i'm sure). but it also makes me sad because i have very specific reasons and feel, more and more, that i have a reason for believing what i believe. i feel they are very assumptive and understandably scared, due to family circumstances.
at the end of the blessing, i was just underwhelmed. very underwhelmed. i do not have children and am not considering having children at this time. i do study a lot, but, as much as i complain, i more often err on the side of my traditional upbringing than on the "scholarly" or "worldly" side of the debate. i cherish my very spiritual, very "yes i will" upbringing at the same time i am wary of it. there are good experiences and teachings there--ones that keep me in the gospel--but my parents are imperfect people just as any people are. i can tell when i am coming to a conclusion and feeling the spirit and when i'm upset or not yet quite settled in my decision.
i guess what i'm saying is that i found the blessing to be as equally unhelpful as many of my church lessons, many of the general conference talks, much of the traditional lds advice i get. i need spiritual guidance for the life i'm having right now. i have serious questions about the church and heaven and my heavenly parents. i am beginning to wonder if i have mild bipolar tendencies (which run in my family) and have anxiety attacks that increase with intensity. i need to know how to do well at work. i need to know how to fuel my body and mind. i need and crave spiritual guidance on these areas of my life, the ones that are happening right now, but sightings are far between. this counsel is not available to me, if it exists.
i love my dad. the blessing is a beautiful memory. but it also made me very sad.
things said recently in my office
"yeah, you could be macklemore for halloween, that would be hilaaarious. except, macklemore is sooooo gay, you know? so i don't know."
"oh good! my friend's new boyfriend wears his garments. so maybe he can help her get active again."
"but we found out that the actor who plays peeta is like, involved with this thing to help teens discover their sexuality, so [my husband] said 'no, i am definitely not being him for halloween,' but i was like, no, it's the actor that does that, not the character peeta."
"they shouldn't hire professors who have english as a second language. i know medical words are already hard to pronounce, but we had to ask him to write it on the board because no one could understand what he was saying."
"she is literally retarded. she had brain cancer so they literally took out part of her brain. she is so annoying. good for you that you survived cancer, but just no."
get me oooooooout.
"oh good! my friend's new boyfriend wears his garments. so maybe he can help her get active again."
"but we found out that the actor who plays peeta is like, involved with this thing to help teens discover their sexuality, so [my husband] said 'no, i am definitely not being him for halloween,' but i was like, no, it's the actor that does that, not the character peeta."
"they shouldn't hire professors who have english as a second language. i know medical words are already hard to pronounce, but we had to ask him to write it on the board because no one could understand what he was saying."
"she is literally retarded. she had brain cancer so they literally took out part of her brain. she is so annoying. good for you that you survived cancer, but just no."
get me oooooooout.
all the mormon ladiez
when we taught our first sunday school lesson, there were a lot of humbling surprises for me. like how much everyone got where i was coming from. (our lesson was on the martin and willie handcart companies, and our role in 'rescuing' people, including less actives, which obviously is a touchy subject in my mind.) people were so receptive. sitting on the edges of their seats. contributing awesome stories.
but i will tell you who was not on the edge of their seat: the sisters. seeing a bored, even sleepy, even sleeping person in your class is hard for any teacher, but of all the people in the class, the women were the ones who were yawning, leaning all over their husbands, and looking at the floor.
i was very taken aback. of course there were exceptions, especially one awesome sister who has spoken very openly about depression and about 'why don't we talk about certain things in the church? not everyone is ok' (and also the bishop's wife). and on the other side, one guy was definitely not so interested. but still, the image of those women is burned in to my mind. i didn't succeed in making eye contact with them for an entire 45 minutes. in general, i would say mostly men spoke, even though i taught the majority of the lesson (hubby worked that morning and we didn't exactly prepare the night before).
i am really scared. i think the church might be making their women trivial by trivializing them (see here benevolent sexism, women on a pedestal, relief society meeting being all rainbows and flowers). in my adult lds life, i am developing the same frustration i had as a youth: the youth wanted refreshments, to play around, to be entertained, to spend a lot of money on activities. i wanted more lessons and activities about the savior or about service. the relief society sisters want to socialize, make crafts, not make activities too involved, not talk about anything too hard, mainly talk about how great motherhood is and find ways to make motherhood more bearable. i want more activities about testimonies, being christ-like, and following his ways. now, both of these things are okay in moderation, and of course women, like men, need to be uplifted and to bond, but there is serious, spiritual heavy lifting to be done that is just not being done. for one example, women aren't being frankly called to repentance for gossiping in the relief society general session. lds women love to gossip. the gossip of other women has hurt me more in my wards than anything else. no one talks about it, though, because then they'd be speaking 'harsh' things to their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. no one is protecting men's hearts from taking the sting of being called to repentance (although i do wish they would chastise the men less for pornography and wife beating), so why are women being held back because of it?
in my exploration of ordain women, i have thought about what my reaction would be if i suddenly qualified to be ordained, as well as what it would be like. i blatantly reject the notion that men need the priesthood because, essentially, otherwise they would be lazy or sinful (so sexist). but i do think there is something to be said for the more tangible responsibility it gives your worthiness. i think that if i held the priesthood, i would guard my thoughts and actions much more carefully. i think that old idea of 'make sure you are worthy because you could need to give a blessing any second' would make a big impact on me.
i know i should still be christ-like. i know i should still be charitable, a good listener, a generous person--all the things christ was. but knowing your access to god's power is available to you, but only if you're worthy, is just different. it is for me, at least. i wish i had that reason to watch myself. i wish i had an obligation. i wish i had the goal.
but i will tell you who was not on the edge of their seat: the sisters. seeing a bored, even sleepy, even sleeping person in your class is hard for any teacher, but of all the people in the class, the women were the ones who were yawning, leaning all over their husbands, and looking at the floor.
i was very taken aback. of course there were exceptions, especially one awesome sister who has spoken very openly about depression and about 'why don't we talk about certain things in the church? not everyone is ok' (and also the bishop's wife). and on the other side, one guy was definitely not so interested. but still, the image of those women is burned in to my mind. i didn't succeed in making eye contact with them for an entire 45 minutes. in general, i would say mostly men spoke, even though i taught the majority of the lesson (hubby worked that morning and we didn't exactly prepare the night before).
i am really scared. i think the church might be making their women trivial by trivializing them (see here benevolent sexism, women on a pedestal, relief society meeting being all rainbows and flowers). in my adult lds life, i am developing the same frustration i had as a youth: the youth wanted refreshments, to play around, to be entertained, to spend a lot of money on activities. i wanted more lessons and activities about the savior or about service. the relief society sisters want to socialize, make crafts, not make activities too involved, not talk about anything too hard, mainly talk about how great motherhood is and find ways to make motherhood more bearable. i want more activities about testimonies, being christ-like, and following his ways. now, both of these things are okay in moderation, and of course women, like men, need to be uplifted and to bond, but there is serious, spiritual heavy lifting to be done that is just not being done. for one example, women aren't being frankly called to repentance for gossiping in the relief society general session. lds women love to gossip. the gossip of other women has hurt me more in my wards than anything else. no one talks about it, though, because then they'd be speaking 'harsh' things to their mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends. no one is protecting men's hearts from taking the sting of being called to repentance (although i do wish they would chastise the men less for pornography and wife beating), so why are women being held back because of it?
in my exploration of ordain women, i have thought about what my reaction would be if i suddenly qualified to be ordained, as well as what it would be like. i blatantly reject the notion that men need the priesthood because, essentially, otherwise they would be lazy or sinful (so sexist). but i do think there is something to be said for the more tangible responsibility it gives your worthiness. i think that if i held the priesthood, i would guard my thoughts and actions much more carefully. i think that old idea of 'make sure you are worthy because you could need to give a blessing any second' would make a big impact on me.
i know i should still be christ-like. i know i should still be charitable, a good listener, a generous person--all the things christ was. but knowing your access to god's power is available to you, but only if you're worthy, is just different. it is for me, at least. i wish i had that reason to watch myself. i wish i had an obligation. i wish i had the goal.
unharmed
i have never had blood drawn, ever, in my life. i have never been in any kind of an accident. other than several appropriately bad cases of the fever or stomach flu, the most traumatic thing that has happened to my body was having my ears pierced.
i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.
i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.
exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.
i hate going to the dentist. this is the only regular physical "trauma" in my life. i get so nervous that i shake uncontrollably. once a nurse asked me while we were waiting for the dentist if i wanted a blanket. i said yes, but of course i was not cold and the blanket did not help.
i was thinking about my dad and one specific incident a few years ago. he was cycling when he was hit by a fedex truck (which we now call deadex). my mom told me recently that while he was in the hospital after the accident, the doctors pulled her aside and told her that they didn't think he was fighting very hard to stay here. she plead and forcefully leveled with my dad's unconscious body. soon after that he began showing signs of life and eventually fully recovered. i imagine she gave him many of the same pep talks during his battles with cancer. my dad has been through a lot--multiple broken bones, mild muscular dystrophy, many accidents, an unusually high number of cases of pneumonia--and now he is a cancer survivor.
exposure is what builds immunity. i am grateful for a life of health and am not sure whether my unscathed life has contributed to my fear of pain or if my fear of pain has kept me out of trouble. but i am deeply troubled and worried the older i get that when something finally happens to me, i won't be able to cope on a mental and physical level, and that i may not know how to fight to survive.
please, for goodness sake
my husband has often laughed with me about / listened to me talk about how i want to go ballistic on my boss because of his unbelievably passive aggressive communication style.
for example, if there is a mistake in my data entry, he will say something like this: "it's the weirdest thing... this line was entered as 'tkj' several times in this sheet but it's supposed to be 'tkh' so it's causing an error in the report i'm doing. i don't know what could have happened, but i just thought i'd point it out to you."
ok... i am the only one who creates this report. OBVIOUSLY i just made a typo. could you please just say, 'megan, you entered this as 'tkj', could you be careful to enter it as 'tkh' in the future?' i mean, if you're really going to even go that anal in the first place, when it was obviously just an oversight that happened one time?
today there was a lunch meeting that i did not attend. a few hours later he came up to me and said, "did you get a chance to grab something to eat?" no, i did not, i had already eaten. "oh, ok. well, we'll probably have to clean that up...................." then he stares in to space as though he is having an epiphany about our responsibility in cleaning up the food, and then walks away abruptly. (this is not an exaggeration.)
i knew then that he was possibly asking me to clean it up, but i knew for sure when he came up another few hours later and said, "i think i am just going to have the custodians take care of it... would that be ok?" sure, that'd be great. because it's their job. and you never actually asked me to do it so i'm not sure why you're asking my permission.
i once overheard him talking with his boss about a difficult situation. my boss suggested that "perhaps you could just make an innocuous comment!" as if this would solve everything and he wouldn't risk stepping on anyone's toes. at that moment, it was the hardest thing of my life not to run over and shout NOOOO.
for example, if there is a mistake in my data entry, he will say something like this: "it's the weirdest thing... this line was entered as 'tkj' several times in this sheet but it's supposed to be 'tkh' so it's causing an error in the report i'm doing. i don't know what could have happened, but i just thought i'd point it out to you."
ok... i am the only one who creates this report. OBVIOUSLY i just made a typo. could you please just say, 'megan, you entered this as 'tkj', could you be careful to enter it as 'tkh' in the future?' i mean, if you're really going to even go that anal in the first place, when it was obviously just an oversight that happened one time?
today there was a lunch meeting that i did not attend. a few hours later he came up to me and said, "did you get a chance to grab something to eat?" no, i did not, i had already eaten. "oh, ok. well, we'll probably have to clean that up...................." then he stares in to space as though he is having an epiphany about our responsibility in cleaning up the food, and then walks away abruptly. (this is not an exaggeration.)
i knew then that he was possibly asking me to clean it up, but i knew for sure when he came up another few hours later and said, "i think i am just going to have the custodians take care of it... would that be ok?" sure, that'd be great. because it's their job. and you never actually asked me to do it so i'm not sure why you're asking my permission.
i once overheard him talking with his boss about a difficult situation. my boss suggested that "perhaps you could just make an innocuous comment!" as if this would solve everything and he wouldn't risk stepping on anyone's toes. at that moment, it was the hardest thing of my life not to run over and shout NOOOO.
it's not happening
i bought new cross trainers, bought a new sports bra, new socks, i have been pumped for zumba for days and it starts in 1 hour.
am i going? i definitely don't think so. and i can't explain why.
even without zumba, i had an awesome evening planned. i miss my husband when he's at work but i also love the time to go where i want, do what i want. my plans included: go to the library. go to rocky mountain chocolate factory. buy some new pants. relax, have an awesome healthy dinner, and enjoy my art history reading. take a nice long bath and look at real simple.
what have i done so far? sat in front of the computer. just like i have been doing since 8am.
why does this happen?
am i going? i definitely don't think so. and i can't explain why.
even without zumba, i had an awesome evening planned. i miss my husband when he's at work but i also love the time to go where i want, do what i want. my plans included: go to the library. go to rocky mountain chocolate factory. buy some new pants. relax, have an awesome healthy dinner, and enjoy my art history reading. take a nice long bath and look at real simple.
what have i done so far? sat in front of the computer. just like i have been doing since 8am.
why does this happen?
"don't use an iud because it's not as easy to start having kids when you feel like you should"
i wish i hadn't listened to my mom about birth control. i wish i had gotten the iud i wanted. i wish she would have listened to me a little more, or that i would have spoken up a little more.
when i have my babies, i want to do it in a freestanding birth center. and i want a doula. i think that is the most hippie thing i have ever said. but, even if i change my mind, i am going to stand up for what i want.
when i have my babies, i want to do it in a freestanding birth center. and i want a doula. i think that is the most hippie thing i have ever said. but, even if i change my mind, i am going to stand up for what i want.
thanks obama!
what blows my mind about people who criticize supporters of obamacare is that they don't seem to realize that supporters have thought about possible 'negative effects' and still believe it is worth the effort. that maybe they are willing to receive a little less health care, if that happens, to help more people--or whatever the argument is. if i give any indication of support for obamacare, or try to talk about the good things that will happen, people look at me like i'm stupid. the costs. the cuts on coverage. yadda. do you not see me, a young and brand new professional, newly married, with kids in the future, with ALL of my assets and investments up in the air, and you think that i haven't thought about that?
i also do not understand why people are mad at obama instead of being upset with the insurance companies and medical providers--they are the ones pushing and keeping prices up. i know little about the medical system or about insurance companies, but i do feel like people will not give a potentially better healthcare system a chance because there is sacrifice in the short term. these things take time, and the insurance and medical communities will chill out over time or change completely, but people will not give up what they've had, even if it might help people less fortunate. i also understand that doctors go through tons of schooling and of course i'm grateful for that, but it concerns me that young med school students (guys, mostly) are very concerned about having the six+ figure lifestyle they thought they were getting when they could live comfortably for less. i understand that the practice itself has to make enough to survive, but i just feel like there must be options.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i find the whole conversation very frustrating.
i also do not understand why people are mad at obama instead of being upset with the insurance companies and medical providers--they are the ones pushing and keeping prices up. i know little about the medical system or about insurance companies, but i do feel like people will not give a potentially better healthcare system a chance because there is sacrifice in the short term. these things take time, and the insurance and medical communities will chill out over time or change completely, but people will not give up what they've had, even if it might help people less fortunate. i also understand that doctors go through tons of schooling and of course i'm grateful for that, but it concerns me that young med school students (guys, mostly) are very concerned about having the six+ figure lifestyle they thought they were getting when they could live comfortably for less. i understand that the practice itself has to make enough to survive, but i just feel like there must be options.
maybe i don't know what i'm talking about, but i find the whole conversation very frustrating.
o rly?
i really like most of the full-time guys i work with. they are good guys. but sometimes they just get me. in talking about a week-long leadership conference some of them attended, they talked about how surprised they were with the group they ended up with.
they talked about a "young lady of color" who is from the bronx, and how surprised they were at "how smart she was" and what a good job she did for their team on their powerpoint.
then they talked about a guy with "a scraggly mustache and beard" who had graduated from a fine arts school "but" was really, really smart--probably the smartest guy there.
then they said how they learned not to judge people by their "looks."
cool story guys.
they talked about a "young lady of color" who is from the bronx, and how surprised they were at "how smart she was" and what a good job she did for their team on their powerpoint.
then they talked about a guy with "a scraggly mustache and beard" who had graduated from a fine arts school "but" was really, really smart--probably the smartest guy there.
then they said how they learned not to judge people by their "looks."
cool story guys.
omnipotence and selfishness
one of my employees (medicaid) was talking today about her experience taking a philosophy class to fulfill a GE. on the first day of class, they were discussing reasons people give for not believing in god. someone brought up the argument that if he existed, he wouldn't let bad things happen to us, which led someone to comment that he doesn't have power to do anything he wants. "for example," the guy said, "he can't make a triangle a square."
this girl said she was so taken aback. she acknowledged that philosophy majors like to play devil's advocate and question everything, but she felt like it was crossing a line. she said it bothered her so much that if something like it came up again, she was going to raise her hand and tell them to stop. she wondered how they could say it when the scriptures "literally say" that god is "all powerful."
i thought this was fascinating. i feel very strongly that there are very set laws in the universe. call them laws of nature or of science or whatever. i believe god follows them just as all of us do. there are laws, processes, and organization to the matter of the universe and i believe gods become gods when they have a perfect knowledge of those laws and are perfectly obedient to them. i believe that this is why they have "all power." i think it's interesting that religion and science have been at odds for so long, in human terms. in my mind, science is, in a way, perfect religion. i think they are both governed by obedience. in religion, we become like god as we are obedient to the commandments of our heavenly parents. (not temporary, relative, cultural commandments, mind you, but a combination of the broad law of love, generosity, acceptance, and the specific ordinances and covenants god has prearranged. which starts to look a lot like a worship in mind of a great universal goodness seen more in eastern religions.) in science, all matter follows the laws of nature. the elements are perfectly obedient, and we are not. this brings up complicated questions, like what about when jesus commanded the sea to be calm? i think we talk about the elements obeying godly command because we do see that power as all powerful, but i think in reality they just abide by the same laws, speak the same languages, have a mutual respect and power, the way electrons automatically know how to interact. or perhaps there is a principle of human spirit ruling over the non-animated elements, a more advanced, "spiritual" meaning of "stewardship over the earth." yes, godliness is submitting to and obeying these laws, but they give gods power, rather than take it away. (isn't that an lds thought anyway? that obedience frees us from being powerless?) heavenly father has also told us that there are things he himself can't do (for example, "change", or he wouldn't be a god, or take away someone's agency, or he wouldn't be a god), so the idea of his all powerfulness is inherently complicated.
i digress.
one of my other employees then shared how they were talking in her psychology class about hedonism and similar concepts. she said she had never thought about doing good for others in order to return to god as making that original good act inherently selfish. she said she began thinking of the most fundamental thing she could: why do i love god? she said she thought of many different reasons, but they were all centered around her: "because he loves me." "because of all he does for me." etc. they talked at a little length about different reasons for why they love god.
again, fascinating, and my first reaction was that selfishness isn't always bad. i know that goes against a slew of modern general conference talks, and i know it says in the scriptures to lose our lives to find them. i also do believe that selfishness is at the root of all sin (which makes sin much simpler in my mind but also disqualifies a lot of acts that orthodox lds people would see as sinful as not actually so) but also that the human, and especially lds version, of sin is culturally imperfect (i haven't studied enough to say if it's scripturally sound). i think it is ok that are on an inherently selfish internal quest to find out what god is, what our relationship is, and what that means to us. (this search, obviously, is not so simple as the traditionally packaged and bowed lds answer.) we are told that exaltation is a family matter achieved with sealings, but that salvation is specifically individual. it is an inherently selfish journey of selflessness.
i also thought a lot about where love for god--or for anything--comes from. my first thought was that it's culturally learned, because christians are taught that god loves us and we love him too. however, i thought more about agnostics or more specifically people who have never heard of god. if someone was raised without any indication or idea of god (if this is psychologically possible), would they yearn to know god (assuming god exists)? i feel like, yes. this is kind of impossible because everyone on earth has heard of some kind of god; however, there are stories of people who don't believe in religion or have chosen not to be religious but still feel like something's missing. i think the easiest answer for this, in lds terms, is the light of christ. there is still some kind of spiritual experience that we don't understand, that comes from time to time when we're listening. i think, ultimately, that love comes from the spirit or is the spirit, which we always have access to as humans (and probably as intelligences, too). when parents have a child, they (usually) love it instantly and without reason. psychological studies have shown that there is a literal, chemical reaction that happens (or should happen, at least within the mother) when a baby is born (although these chemicals are blocked by some of the drugs hospitals use on childbearing women........but this is a whole 'nother post), but, as per above, isn't science just religion? i think we will find that the spiritual is the scientific and that we love god because there is a permanent, eternal relationship and intensely spiritual (and yes, even "scientific", which is easy to argue when our relationship with our biological parents is scientific) connection there.
i didn't tell them any of this, even though they vaguely, indirectly, kind of asked when the second girl said "so if either of you think of an answer"... because, seriously, who would just say this shit? me (and not me), i'm weird like that.
this girl said she was so taken aback. she acknowledged that philosophy majors like to play devil's advocate and question everything, but she felt like it was crossing a line. she said it bothered her so much that if something like it came up again, she was going to raise her hand and tell them to stop. she wondered how they could say it when the scriptures "literally say" that god is "all powerful."
i thought this was fascinating. i feel very strongly that there are very set laws in the universe. call them laws of nature or of science or whatever. i believe god follows them just as all of us do. there are laws, processes, and organization to the matter of the universe and i believe gods become gods when they have a perfect knowledge of those laws and are perfectly obedient to them. i believe that this is why they have "all power." i think it's interesting that religion and science have been at odds for so long, in human terms. in my mind, science is, in a way, perfect religion. i think they are both governed by obedience. in religion, we become like god as we are obedient to the commandments of our heavenly parents. (not temporary, relative, cultural commandments, mind you, but a combination of the broad law of love, generosity, acceptance, and the specific ordinances and covenants god has prearranged. which starts to look a lot like a worship in mind of a great universal goodness seen more in eastern religions.) in science, all matter follows the laws of nature. the elements are perfectly obedient, and we are not. this brings up complicated questions, like what about when jesus commanded the sea to be calm? i think we talk about the elements obeying godly command because we do see that power as all powerful, but i think in reality they just abide by the same laws, speak the same languages, have a mutual respect and power, the way electrons automatically know how to interact. or perhaps there is a principle of human spirit ruling over the non-animated elements, a more advanced, "spiritual" meaning of "stewardship over the earth." yes, godliness is submitting to and obeying these laws, but they give gods power, rather than take it away. (isn't that an lds thought anyway? that obedience frees us from being powerless?) heavenly father has also told us that there are things he himself can't do (for example, "change", or he wouldn't be a god, or take away someone's agency, or he wouldn't be a god), so the idea of his all powerfulness is inherently complicated.
i digress.
one of my other employees then shared how they were talking in her psychology class about hedonism and similar concepts. she said she had never thought about doing good for others in order to return to god as making that original good act inherently selfish. she said she began thinking of the most fundamental thing she could: why do i love god? she said she thought of many different reasons, but they were all centered around her: "because he loves me." "because of all he does for me." etc. they talked at a little length about different reasons for why they love god.
again, fascinating, and my first reaction was that selfishness isn't always bad. i know that goes against a slew of modern general conference talks, and i know it says in the scriptures to lose our lives to find them. i also do believe that selfishness is at the root of all sin (which makes sin much simpler in my mind but also disqualifies a lot of acts that orthodox lds people would see as sinful as not actually so) but also that the human, and especially lds version, of sin is culturally imperfect (i haven't studied enough to say if it's scripturally sound). i think it is ok that are on an inherently selfish internal quest to find out what god is, what our relationship is, and what that means to us. (this search, obviously, is not so simple as the traditionally packaged and bowed lds answer.) we are told that exaltation is a family matter achieved with sealings, but that salvation is specifically individual. it is an inherently selfish journey of selflessness.
i also thought a lot about where love for god--or for anything--comes from. my first thought was that it's culturally learned, because christians are taught that god loves us and we love him too. however, i thought more about agnostics or more specifically people who have never heard of god. if someone was raised without any indication or idea of god (if this is psychologically possible), would they yearn to know god (assuming god exists)? i feel like, yes. this is kind of impossible because everyone on earth has heard of some kind of god; however, there are stories of people who don't believe in religion or have chosen not to be religious but still feel like something's missing. i think the easiest answer for this, in lds terms, is the light of christ. there is still some kind of spiritual experience that we don't understand, that comes from time to time when we're listening. i think, ultimately, that love comes from the spirit or is the spirit, which we always have access to as humans (and probably as intelligences, too). when parents have a child, they (usually) love it instantly and without reason. psychological studies have shown that there is a literal, chemical reaction that happens (or should happen, at least within the mother) when a baby is born (although these chemicals are blocked by some of the drugs hospitals use on childbearing women........but this is a whole 'nother post), but, as per above, isn't science just religion? i think we will find that the spiritual is the scientific and that we love god because there is a permanent, eternal relationship and intensely spiritual (and yes, even "scientific", which is easy to argue when our relationship with our biological parents is scientific) connection there.
i didn't tell them any of this, even though they vaguely, indirectly, kind of asked when the second girl said "so if either of you think of an answer"... because, seriously, who would just say this shit? me (and not me), i'm weird like that.
a lot has changed in a little
our talks went well. really well. we wrote them the morning we gave them (12:30 church), which i don't feel even 1% guilty about. people act like you won't be able to access the spirit on such short notice, or give a good talk if you hadn't studied it for a week or more, but then they also tell missionaries what an honor it is to be able to speak with little to no preparation, to speak from the heart and to always have a little something prepared.
i was really surprised at what come out in my talk. it was genuinely me, even with where i'm at with everything. completely honest: i was more nervous about bearing my testimony at the end than i was about giving the talk. i didn't want to get up there and say something i didn't believe, or that i didn't feel like saying. and i didn't, but i feel like i still bore a strong, powerful testimony.
we are now sunday school teachers. i find this ironic and weird. and i'm a little afraid of what i'll say up there. our being called doesn't have anything to do with how the talks went, but i do feel very encouraged. i am actually happy to be called to teach sunday school, and i think i knew ever since we got the phone call that that's what it was.
when i taught relief society a few years ago, i was going through some really rough stuff, and already pulling away from my ward and byu religion but also what i had grown up with, on a large scale for the first time. i felt incredibly nonreligious 90% of the week, but when i would sit down to write my lessons, i knew that i could teach by the spirit and i knew that if i prayed for it the spirit would touch those who heard my lesson. there was no question in my mind. i feel like that's the same spirit in which i wrote my talk, and the spirit again came, strongly. husband and i were talking about this the other day--people in the church act like if you do one wrong thing, you lose the spirit and you can't get it back until you've gone through arduous processes. and i understand this is a principle of repentance, and i really believe in repentance. but it has been at the dark times in my life that i felt the spirit the strongest and felt the most direct connection with heaven. when i am dropping f bombs and generally swearing like a sailor, and then giving a powerful talk the next hour, feeling the spirit more than i have in months, it is a really strange but kind of comforting experience. it's reshaping the way i think about the spirit and making me wonder what is really at the heart of everything. i am grateful for the opportunity to be a sunday school teacher because i can experience this spirit on a regular basis. i don't believe the lord holds back the spirit from teachers who honestly want to teach well. and while i realize that may be more for the good of the audience than the teacher, it's no doubt that the teacher benefits by it. i did as a relief society teacher, and i know i will now.
i am still pulling away in some ways, even if i am feeling closer to heaven in others. lately i am struggling mostly with garments. besides the fact that it is still deathly hot, and that i have gained weight in the past year, making them more tight and uncomfortable, i do believe they are an outward showing of what i believe. i have a very honest desire to go back to the temple and see what's there. re-see it. i really want to go back and wear my garments there, in worship and honestly seeking to understand why the temple is such a pinnacle of LDS faith.
over the long weekend husband and i stopped in victoria's secret. even if i did wear garments all the time, a girl's still gotta have something for when TOM visits, and i was needing new undies. i told myself this was a very reasonable and started picking stuff out. my respect and love for my husband has grown a lot in regards to his respecting my decisions. i am very grateful to him. we feel very differently about garments--and about feminism, and about a lot of the things on my mind--but he has never made me feel bad about wearing or not wearing them. as i picked out underwear, i think both he and i knew i would really be wearing them more than just when i needed to wear a pad. but he knows how i feel, and to his credit, he grabbed my lovely batch of panties, took them to the register, and paid for them himself.
more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.
more than anything, i want to start from basics. i feel like unlearning can be as important (or more important) as learning. i feel like i have unlearned a lot of harmful things, and i want to steer back towards believing and being active and engaging as i do believe we are meant to. i want to see what is at the very bottom line of my testimony, and build on that.
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